What I feel needs to be changed: I want to live a more conscious life

What I realized was hurting me

Having spent the holiday/fallow season (Samhain to Yule, for those non-Pagans) in a lot of conscious thought about my life, as it was, and what I wanted to go forward… I have realized a LOT about the patterns that I fall into in my life. And the biggest pattern, by far, is not OWNING my own journey in this life.

I have been a passenger in my life!

And that CAN’T be good.

What I mean by this is this – I avoided making my own decisions many times. Why? That’s really the question here. Sometimes I did it because it seemed that other people knew what I needed more than I did. Sometimes I did it to please someone significant in my life. Sometimes I did it because it was easier. Sometimes I did it because I wanted to avoid conflict and pain. Sometimes I did it because I felt that I was unlovable and I should be accepting of whatever came my way, even if it didn’t fit me. Sometimes I did it because I didn’t feel like I could do it on my own.

It was WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

I drifted through life. I didn’t take control or speak up until it was too late. I thought that I was being intelligent, watching and waiting out the decisions of others, taking time to decide what to do. But this had never really worked well for me. I felt unheard, I felt uncomfortable in my own life…

I have made decisions retroactively rather than proactively and I have spent more time repairing my life from the mistakes that I watched happen when I faded out of my own life 

• I went to university (and took out loans) not knowing what I wanted to do
• I married a man because he asked me
• I accept relationships that are lacking
• I gave up my spirituality
• I handed over control of my finances without protest

The answers were always inside of me. I knew that things FELT wrong, I just didn’t allow myself to become conscious of what was wrong and what *I* wanted… I kept myself busy, I kept allowing people to tell me that what I was wanting/feeling was wrong, and I told MYSELF lies to explain why what I felt was wrong.

What was REALLY wrong was not listening to MY INTUITION.

How was this hurting me?

I have been drifting in my life for years. I have felt as if I have no power, that I am the “victim” of my life. Gods how I hate that term and that mindset!! But nonetheless I felt inactive in my cocoon, observing and not participating and letting things happen to me…

The waking up was a painful (re)birth (and as someone who has endured through the labour of 2 children, I can honestly say it was a different by similar birthing) of my self…

On Samhain it came to me… that niggly little feeling that SOMETHING was going to change, that I needed to OPEN myself up to it now and that things would NEVER EVER be the same (but its okay, its gonna be mostly WELCOME change, my soul whispered, don’t be afraid).

I opened a tiny crack in my armor, and started the spiritual labour of change. Suddenly instead of being a meek victim or passive passenger in the important areas of my life I was looking at things with a critical eye –

• Did I want to relate to my children this way? Could I find another way to relate to them that didn’t make me feel like crying on the floor every night? Could I find a way that we could BE a family? Could I find another system of communication with them?
• Did I want to live in this basement suite forever? Could I find a way to get out – either to find another more suitable living space or a home of my own? What would it take to get a home of my own? Did I qualify for a mortgage? If I didn’t qualify, what would it take for me to get to that place in 2 years?
• Where did all my friends go? How can I make more connections? Where can I find support through this time? Who can I turn to, when I don’t have unlimited funds to take courses and classes? How can I reconnect with the friends I used to have? How can I make NEW friends?
• What am I interested in? What happened to all my hobbies that I used to have? Do I really enjoy the activities that I am doing? What other activities would I really like to explore? Is there a way to incorporate my kids into new activities so that I don’t have to worry about babysitters?
• What am I eating? Why am I buying Coca-Cola so much when I don’t drink it and I don’t allow my children to drink it? Why am I catering to the tastes of someone else so much? Why can’t I try new combinations of flavours? What new foods can I try? Can I find a balance between budget and interest?
• What am I spending on? Why am I going over budget so often? Is there a way to control that? Why am I catering to another person rather than making sure that my needs are met first? Why am I spending on <insert item>, what need is that filling? Do we really need X now or can it be put off? Does this enrich me or take away from me?
• What calls to me spiritually? What makes my soul sing? What is just window dressing? What do I believe? What works for me? What isn’t working for me? How can I share things with others without fear? Why should I have to be afraid to share my spirituality?
• Why am I putting up with being treated this way? What do I want in a romance? Why shoudl I put up with my lawyer’s behaviour? Why am I accepting the intimidation from theEx? Why am I so afraid of being alone that I let my boyfriend decide what I get out of a relationship? Why am I allowing myself to be used? Why can’t I say NO? 

I feel the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth.  Question after question flooded through me and seized my thoughts. I opened myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am going to start making changes

I have been making a lot of changes already, riding the  wave of the storm within my soul to its inevitable conclusion…

• I left the country!!
• I met Pace and Kyeli
• and Hayden Tompkins
• and Lynnivere
• and Michelle Russell
• and Marty Whitmore
• and Megan Morris!!
• And a bunch more that shook my world in good ways!
• (and I don’t think I did THAT badly talking to new people!)
• !! I started working on my spiritual path!!
• I applied for (and qualified) for a mortgage and bought a townhouse and made plans to move!
• I looked at myself inside without being afraid!
• I looked at my HEART seriously!!
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I stopped worrying what theEx was doing or feeling responsible
• I took control of my divorce case and made sure my lawyer LISTENED to me
• I admitted that my marriage was abusive
• I admitted I wanted a LOVING relationship
• I threw myself into dance
• I signed up for a support group
• Somehow I got finagled into joining a writing group
• I started on a (quiet) spiritual exploration (which I plan to talk about over HERE soon)

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it.

Why I need to change:

I need to let myself BLOOM.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

MY affirmation!:

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a plan to afford the Shiva Nata Starter Kit from Havi Brooks. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.