Alone
Last night my relationship with R ended.
I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.
ALONE
It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together. He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to show some interest.
So, through type, the way the relationship started, it ended. With a whimper, not a bang. There was no fighting, no tears, no harsh words or recriminations. It just wasn’t anymore and we both knew it hadn’t BEEN for months.
ALONE again
There were no tears. I didn’t expect any. After all, he hadn’t called much, he had stopped texting me months ago. I was feeling used and unwanted and I knew I had to end it. And yet, at the point of ending, when it truly hit home that he didn’t have any interest in fighting to stay with me? It hurt… a lot.
I sat, alone, on my couch staring at the closed computer, wishing desperately that I could run off and be supported by a friend or two. But there is not one friend out there I knew I could call to ease the pain.
Not one.
Not one person who would listen and hold me.
Not one person I could call on the phone.
Not one person who would even be mildly supportive via text.
The dark thoughts started to take over:
I am utterly and completely alone in this world now. I mean, I have my cats, and I have my kids… but I have to be strong for THEM, I am their support network they are not there to be mine. That makes the feeling of emptiness all the harder to face, somehow. I can’t crumble, because there won’t be anyone there to help pick up the pieces, and my kids NEED me. Without them I might as well not exist anymore… and that really is the truth of the matter now.Not one person, besides my children, would miss me if something bad happened to me. It could be 2 weeks before anyone cared to seek me out, if anything happened. I’d bet that my cats would just happily chew on me… after all, my daughter tells me I am made of meat.
Only a few days ago there was someone who might have pretended to care. I know he didn’t, not really, not anymore… but the illusion was there
There is no illusion anymore.
R is no longer someone who would care for me, who I could call. He no longer wanted me. And there was emptiness in my soul, there was a pain in my heart, there was gloom. There was utter and complete loneliness in the darkness and quiet in my house. Sitting in the dark and quiet feeling desperate to talk to SOMEONE, realizing that there was no one I could think of that I could lean against right now.
I felt disconnected from everyone.
I know that this is my own fault, not knowing quite how to make friends with new people, not knowing how to connect to people, how to stay connected… for being so introverted and hidden and afraid that now I am alone in a big, wide, TERRIFYING world, when what I need is support and caring and to be touched and connected to again.
My loneliness is MY fault
I don’t know how to change any faster than I am! I am unhappy feeling friendless. I am unhappy being disconnected from the larger community… and I know this feeling is motivating me to CHANGE how I approach social situations.
I can’t hide so much. So much of my life has been lived in fear – afraid of being punished, afraid of being “bad”, afraid to rock the boat, afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to be rejected – and it has been very hard to overcome my natural desire to hide who I really AM. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what everyone ELSE wants from me that my own MEness has been pushed aside in hopes that THIS time I’m doing it right.
But you know what? I’m okay the way I am. Sure there are things I want to change, ways I want to grow… but I’m a good person and maybe, just maybe, if I let people see ME they might like me. And if they don’t like me, then they aren’t my RIGHT PEOPLE (thanks Havi).
I don’t have to be a teetotaler to be “good enough” or “spiritual enough” (thanks Pace!), it only matters WHY I choose to drink or not drink
If I want a tattoo I can get one, there is nothing wrong with being a “freak”… freaks are some of the greatest people I have met so far (and just having a tattoo doesn’t make one a freak…) (Thanks Pace AND Kyeli).
If I want to write, who cares if I suck? If I am silly sometimes does that mean I can never be serious? If I get hurt, if I cry, if I am terrified… is that really such a bad thing? Can’t I reach out when I feel this low without worrying that asking for help will be annoying or bothersome to someone? And if it is, do I really want people like that in my life?
I just don’t know where to START!!
- I write, but I don’t know if anyone reads (is anyone OUT THERE?? And if you are, do you know how to get my analytics to work? Or how to upgrade my WordPress since it keeps nagging me to do it?)
- I try to comment on other blogs, although for the most part I am a lurker mostly because I read on RSS feed rather than visiting blogs.
- I am involved in Boy Scouts,
- I’m taking a dance class,
- I joined a support group (Beyond Abuse),
- I think I got talked into a local writer’s group.
Any other ideas of how to build relationships (both online and offline) that are flexible and inexpensive?
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Well, I, for one, am reading. So at least your words are rreaching *someone*
You’re doing a lot in the physical world to reach out and make contacts, and that’s a good thing. In the virtual world, you’re making new friends via Twitter and your blog, so that’s good.
I can’t express how awesome our little blogging community is. The more they gt to know you, the more they will welcome you and feel like real, honest friends. My readers have helped me through so much, and even the loneliness that you are feeling now. So, keep reading, keep leaving comments, and watch the friendships grow
Pam, sorry to read that your relationship broke up.
I have feelings like this off and on (and they used to be on ALOT) and what has helped for me (but I’d kick you in the shins for suggesting it when i FEEL this way) is working on the relationship with myself.
When I do that – work on that, find ways to support myself – then I see other relationships differently AND sometimes see new ways/places to connect with people. I’ve met alot of friends through web sites and blogs – but the friendships have taken awhile to “build” — start out as infrequent contacts and then build to real friendships (well, i guess that’s alot like friends you’d meet down the road)…
a number of my online friendships have developed into ones that involve real-time visits. there’s hope, Pam – hang in there (take it from a former loner). Keep writing, keep contacting and connecting, keep believing!
We’ve been friends for how long, and you can’t call me? I’m sorry for whatever feedback I’ve given you that’s contributed. But you deciding that being alone was better than calling me? Have a little more faith, Pam.
You can’t upgrade your Wordpress, for that you have to talk to me. And I don’t run the upgrades right away to see if anybody starts screaming about a major bug. But your upgrade is queued up and should be done in a few minutes.
What Sunil said. Harrumph. I love you, you big silly, and I’d have talked to you for as long as you’d have wanted. I get unlimited minutes on calls to your fine country, you know.
*HUG*
Anyhow, I think you weren’t as torn up as you might have expected because you were mostly broken up with him on an emotional level already. I think it just hurts in that final sort of way when you guys decide it. I am so sorry it didn’t work out; but, I do hope that it and the lessons you learned from it, are the gateway to a really fulfilling relationship.
Your strength and independence have grown immeasurably, and I still admire you for that.
I just found you today, so I guess you can say I’m reading now. From the comments here it looks like you are not really alone. I used to be exactly where you are right now. I felt alone, but it was self-imposed lonlienss. I had people, but in my case, I didn’t feel like I should bother them.
Jay is right about this blogging community. Once you get to know ‘us’ you never have to feel alone again. It took me awhile to come out of lurking and start commenting, but I am so thankful for the friends I have made from my blog.
Keep sharing yourself here and the lonliness will fade.
Pam, I know the place you are at and I am sorry you have to go through all this pain. I don’t know what you can do, I assume everyone has to invent his or her own ways, otherwise – what would be the purpose of all that struggling? But it will change naturally, I am sure about that. No state is forever, neither the dark nor the light places. I’d say, it all oscillates back to gravity in the middle – and hopefully to a peace of mind.
What results into change for me was and still is: creating a safe place, time to let things resolve on its own, acceptance, solitude and crowds, slowing down, taking care of my resources – emotionally, time-wise, physically- and then when I have resources “left over” so to speak – testing the personal design of a unique, self-sufficient life with the knowledge I have about myself at the given moment.
I am so sorry to hear about your relationship breaking up. I am reading! And I was wondering about that. I know the feeling of feeling alone. I’ve always been very introverted and only had a few close friends. When they all moved away to further their education or their lives, I felt so alone. And when I had been sexually harassed at work, I was so alone. And my brother moved hundreds of miles away and I was more alone. And my dad passed away and I was more alone.
I have been so fortunate to have met and married the best man in the world for me. So I’m not so alone anymore. And I’ve learned so much about life from losing my father and having my friends move away. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever thought possible. I’ve learned truly that “this too shall pass”. And I’ve learned that even though those I care about live far away, I can still love them and they can still love me. And I’m slowly learning how to make new friends. And I’m learning that even when it feels like nobody cares, there are always people who care. People tend not to say that they care, but they do.
And just think, sure, you have to be the support for your kids now, but when your kids are a little older, they will absolutely be a support for you. Even though my mom was so strong for me when my dad died, I had to be strong for her too.
I’m reading. And I only know you from reading here and meeting you the once. And I care.
And I hope nothing but the best for you.
Hey Pam! I am reading too. Knew you well many years ago and feel like I know you again through your writing. Always wishing the best for you, haven’t seen you for so many years but still remember you often and would love to hear from you. If not, know that I am still forever in your corner. Good to see that you are still the amazing and unique individual that you were when we were kids. Stay strong and know that many people out there are rooting for you.
Turns out the problem with your analytics was that your theme has some missing standard bits. Hacked in the fix, check for stats tomorrow and let me know.