Frozen Nowhere

Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a bit scared to admit to myself that  I wanted OUT of my relationship. I am a 35 year old single mother! I work full time hours! I volunteer ! I take classes! I write! I am a great person!! Why was I so afraid to start over and try to find someone worth my time, energy, and my warm generous nature?

Last week I was GLAD that R “manned up” and told me he didn’t want to see me anymore (not in so many words, mind you it was more like “we’ve been drifting and… you know where this is going”) after me asking him, after me asking him for 6 months just to be honest with me about whether he was still interested or not. For the record, I knew that he lost interest in me almost the day he first said “I love you” to me… his actions spoke of neglect and fear from that point on, making me feel confused and insecure.  But he would never tell me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship anymore.

A week ago I found relief in the fact that R finally admitted that to him this had been “casual”… and that the feelings that I had been denying for so long had been RIGHT if I had only listened to them a year ago!

Still the hard won out that night, the feeling of relief was washed away by the sting of FINALLY knowing the truth of the situation. I felt lied to. I felt deceived. I felt… USED. I felt like once more I had allowed a man to walk all over me for acceptance and companionship. And to realize that, in reality, I had not gotten even the most basic companionship with R, he had only stayed with me for what he thought he could get out of me:

• he gave things only grudgingly out of obligation
• In a year we went on maybe 4 dates, tops.  
• I was a hotel and daycare centre for him.
• He rarely contributed.
• He rarely showed any thought about my feelings.
• He freely took from me and never gave in return

Why did I stay with someone who used me as a hotel and daycare service? Who only called when he wanted me to do something for him? Who never complimented me? Who ignored me constantly? Who never once did something nice for me, just to let me know they cared??? What the HELL was I thinking?

I excused his thoughtless behavior over and over – he was stressed about his ex-wife wanting custody of HER children back; he was stressed because he didn’t have as much money as he wanted to have; he was stressed because he wasn’t getting child support; he was stressed because he was going through a hard divorce; he was stressed because his daughters are horribly behaved – and I took his word that he never meant to be thoughtless it just never occurred to him to that he was not doing right by me.

Until the night he told me that, this whole fucking year of my life HE considered our relationship “just casual”…

 I didn’t MISS him, because there hadn’t been anything to miss!

There was remarkably LITTLE change in my life. There were no mementos to throw away. There was no jewelry or trinkets to remind me that R had shared this period of my life and very few pictures of us together. And I knew that he had even LESS to remember me by! I felt that he had missed out on a great person, but that neither of us was in the ideal situation to create a relationship on our own.

He had given all indications that he wanted to be left alone… and now he would be.

I had heard it from his friends, I had witnessed it in the way he acted to his friends, his children and to me. I just refused to acknowledge it.  Didn’t matter who the person was, he didn’t want to deal with anyone other than himself. He preferred to spend huge swaths of time tuned out watch tv or sleep while his kids were gods-only-knew where doing gods-only-knew what, and he was perfectly happy to do that no matter what anyone else thought about it.

 That night that all the turmoil, all the fight, all the RESPECT I had for this man whom I thought was “doing the best he could given the stress he was under”  just washed away and I saw just how little RESPECT he had granted to ME.

 And I sat in the dark, and I thought about these things. I thought about how I had seen the relationship and how I had tried to be there for not only R but his children. I thought about all the times I reached out to help him, but he didn’t return the favour. I thought about how often I asked for just the bare minimum, but that was too much. And I thought about all that I had given up (financially, physically, emotionally) to build a relationship with someone who saw me pretty much as a “place to stay and girl to fuck” and nothing more.

The realizations POURED out of me, the bitterness I had held back within myself for so long;  I was ANGRY about how I was treated!!!  And GODDAMMIT, I DESERVED TO FEEL ANGRY!! For once, not really caring about how other people would label my feelings, I felt ANGRY at R, I felt USED, I was BITTER, I believed I DESERVED BETTER!!

All the feelings that “good girls” don’t admit to coursed through me and out, cleansing me of this relationship.

Within 24 hours I realized how LUCKY I was. I took his numbers off my phone. I deleted him from my MSN. I took “I’m in a relationship” off FaceBook. And I still wasn’t sad.

 By Friday I was feeling like a NEW PERSON.

I dropped my kids off with theEx for his two weeks and I went out and bought myself a bottle of white wine. I came home and I cooked myself a meal that I wanted to try, with new ingredients and a bunch of new flavours. I poured myself a nice glass of cold white wine, put in a movie *I* wanted to watch, and ate my supper.  I made myself a cup of tea, ran a bath, and read a book. I wore my favourite pj’s, I watched another movie, wrote in my journal and chatted with a few friends. I went to bed when I wanted to, feeling SO happy with my life! I got up and had a shower and PUT ON MAKEUP!! I went out and purchased things for my new home. I went out for lunch and socializing with a writing group. I did my needlework. I took care of myself.

 I DID MY OWN THING

 For the first time in a year I wasn’t thinking about R or if he would call or when I would see him again, I knew he was out of my life! I didn’t care if he would disapprove of me drinking, because he no longer had the privilege of having an opinion in my life. I acknowledged my bitterness and anger about the way he handled my heart, but vowed only to be more aware and cautious “next time” I put myself out there.

 I spent time being HAPPY with myself, indulging MYSELF with the things that made my happy:

• My favourite movies
• Writing
• Reading
• Needlework
• Having a bath
• A cup of tea/ a glass of wine
• A tarot reading

 

Tags: as-I-see-it, celebrations, changes, dating, feelings, goals, my life, RGG, updates