Frozen Nowhere

 What I feel needs to be changed: I want to live a more conscious life

What I realized was hurting me

Having spent the holiday/fallow season (Samhain to Yule, for those non-Pagans) in a lot of conscious thought about my life, as it was, and what I wanted to go forward… I have realized a LOT about the patterns that I fall into in my life. And the biggest pattern, by far, is not OWNING my own journey in this life.

I have been a passenger in my life!

And that CAN’T be good.

What I mean by this is this – I avoided making my own decisions many times. Why? That’s really the question here. Sometimes I…

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant…

What I feel needs to be changed: I need to change how I spend MONEY
 
What I realized was hurting me

Numbers are a difficult thing for me. I know this. This is not a surpise, not by a long shot. My whole life I have had difficulty surrounding numbers, and I have created work arounds to make it easier for me to do arithmatic. It’s not IMPOSSIBLE, obviously if I had no possible way of dealing with numbers I would NOT have 2 degrees, both of which required statistics and calculus to get through.
But hard, nonetheless.
 
It’s  hard to

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What I feel needs to be changed:    I want to change where I live.
 
What I realized was hurting me

It has been over 2 years since I lived in a home of my own, a space that I can concretely point to and say “this space, here, is MINE”. Yes, I CHOSE to walk away from the home I had owned with theEx… out of fear of reprisal, out of a feeling that this battle just wasn’t worth it — I couldn’t afford the home on my own and even then I knew that he would resist paying support until he was legallyforced to do so, but more than that the house meant more to him than it

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These are not so much resolutions as REALIZATIONS that things have to change, and that now is as good of a time as any to get started. They aren’t NEW realizations, but they have slowly been condensing in the back of my mind for months, and the significant events of the past few weeks — being preapproved for a mortgage, buying a home for myself and my children, getting the divorce closer to being finalized, Yule, Christmas Holidays, New Years, and signing Mortgage Papers — have brought together a scintillating array of facts into clarity suddenly.
 
And I will be making changes… slowly, but surely…
 
Because of the scope of this project, though, I have decided to

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