I often feel like the ONLY parent in the universe who has kids who are struggling. Maybe I’m just the ONLY PARENT IN THE UNIVERSE who will admit that their kids aren’t perfect angels? Maybe I’m the only parent willing to say “hey, listen, I’m struggling to find a way to help my kids”…

Or maybe my kids ARE the only ones who have “issues” as yet undetermined?

Whatever the case, 90% of my interaction with the school/teachers* has been relatively NEGATIVE in nature. It seems more often than not I am being asked to explain WHY one or the other (or both) of my children are having problems.  I am frustrated. I have no set of peers to talk to, I have no other contact with other parents whose kids MIGHT be having learning problems, or social problems, or emotional problems.  I am given to believe that my children’s issues are unique in the school and in the realm of parenting.

Part of the problem, let’s just face it now, is that they live in 2 different places**. As much as the lawyers and courts want to divide them equally, this IS affecting them. Do they have a choice? No. And so they struggle to go back and forth. And we struggle to find a balance… and I struggle NOT to pull them in 2 but STILL maintain my OWN boundaries , rules, and traditions without theEx telling me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

My son struggles to find a way to make friends, to fit into the world he finds himself in. He struggles to be what everyone ELSE thinks a 9 year old boy should be – how he should interact with his friends and peers, what he talks about, how he talks, what kinds of behaviours he exhibits when he’s angry or sad or frustrated or lonely. And we struggle to make sense of their rules and the way other kids are allowed to treat him and how adults interact with him. And it breaks my heart that, for the most part, we find more cruelty than kindness being directed at him from adults AND kids alike.

My daughter is struggling to make it in a world that she doesn’t feel quite comfortable in. She struggles to feel good about herself. She struggles to control her world. She struggles to understand what everyone wants from her. She struggles with self esteem and self worth issues. She struggles to learn to read as fast as her peers. And we struggle trying to find out what causes her issues to flare up, why somedays she can do the work and the next day she can’t. And the only thing that I can determine is the way that people speak to her – when she has positive interactions with me or her father, her babysitter, or her teachers she feels like she can do it, but if she gets snarled at or snapped at or (I certainly HOPE it’s no longer happening without my knowledge!!) spanked or punished by adults around her, she feels that she is stupid and can’t do things. It breaks my heart that we she (and I) find so many mean words directed at her.

We struggle to find a place in the world, when we feel completely alone. And, let’s face it… chances are if I feel completely alone in this world, chances are that I am (ironically) NOT the only one feeling this way.  I sometimes think that if I could find other single mothers struggling with joint custody arrangements or single mothers dealing with kids who are having trouble adjusting to living in 2 places or ANY mother who can acknowledge that her kid isn’t superior at EVERYTHING and –gasp—they also have issues learning math or reading or writing or fitting it… if I could find others like ME we could support each other.
My children are neither MONSTERS nor PROBLEMS. They are loving, caring, sensitive, human beings that deserve as much love, caring, respect, and understanding as anyone else does. So why children with learning difficulties, social difficulties, or emotional difficulties are treated more like animals than human beings is a mystery to me. It is this paradox that hurts them so much – they are told that everyone deserves to be treated well, but they are treated poorly by the adults around them, and they then treat OTHER people badly, in a vicious never-ending cycle.  

Last year I went to parent/teacher meeting to discuss the fact that my son seems to have some issues that the school board thinks are PROBLEMS. He has a hard time reading, his fine motor skills are less developed than they would like, and his social behavior is not where they WANT it to be at his age. He has trouble reading other people’s body language. He has issues with his memory (he needs more repetitions than his “average” classmate). He doesn’t respond “normally” to the behavior of other kids around him – he gets frustrated easily, his feelings get hurt “too much”, he tries too hard to get others to like him. The warning I was given by the school psychologist and teachers?

If he doesn’t learn to read social cues correctly, if he doesn’t learn to respond to other people the way everyone else does, he will continue to be rejected by his peers… AND HE WILL BE AT RISK TO START DOING DRUGS OR BECOME SUICIDAL!!

Here I was being told that he was SO FAR off the “norm” that if he wasn’t corrected now he was going to do drugs or kill himself?

It made me wonder, what message are they sending to kids? If they don’t speak to the WHOLE group about respecting the differences of others, they are perpetuating the cruelty of bullying. If they can’t foster compassion for someone who might be struggling because of illness, difference, or situation, they are contributing to the problem. Blaming the child(ren) who are struggling makes it worse – it tells THEM that they aren’t good the way they are, it invalidates THEIR feelings, lowers their expectations, and diminishes THEIR small victories. Blaming the parents doesn’t help either – it makes us feel isolated, diminishes the praise we give to our children, undermines what we do to keep them going and keep them trying.

I keep thinking that life would be so much BETTER for everyone if we stopped deciding how to make everyone FIT in, stopped encouraging the status quo, STOPPED HURTING people who are different, and supported each other and our differences. I know how much better I would feel going to the school or talking to the teachers if, instead of telling me how horrible the lives of my children will be if they don’t start fitting into the mold,

• they celebrated the small victories that the kids have overcome.
• If instead of giving up after 5 minutes and letting the kid fail, there was a way to SUPPORT the parents and their willingness to HELP at home?
• Offer RESOURCES to not only the children, but the parents/family.
• Maybe, just maybe, offering insight into activities that the kids are struggling with in school and letting the parents/family/guardians know of alternative approaches or places to go?
•  Maybe having different approaches offered at different schools so that kids who are visual learners can be taught that way, and kids who are kinesthetic learners are taught more that way, kids who respond better to hands on approaches get hands on lessons, kids who catch on easier if they do a lot of repetition GET the chance to have a lot more repetition before being forced onto the next lesson?
• TEACHING kids to do things that aren’t necessarily NATURAL (like forming letters) instead of leaving them to figure it out their own way (only to get frustrated when their methods are not as fast as the correct ones)?
• Telling the parents what their kids ARE doing well at? And if there isn’t ANYTHING the child does well… then maybe looking not at the child as the problem, but the teaching methods sometimes?

I for one have decided that life is not about how well you do in school or what your grades are… life is about connection and love and learning about the world and SHARING it with those around us. Life is not meant to be a competition… its meant to be about cooperation.

So I for one am going to focus on the small victories, the sparks of light, the hidden miracles of the everyday…

I for one am going to try and foster small people to be who they are and LOVE who they are, despite the way the world treats us…

And I’m gonna keep WRITING and hoping and trying to connect to others OUT THERE… in hopes that I am NOT the only one…

** The court won’t entertain custody hearings – because there is no reason that either of us should NOT be part of the kids lives (neither drinks, does drugs, is violent, no outstanding court issues, stable jobs, stable income, appropriate living environments) they have decided that in order NOT to waste the courts’ time or our money by having yet another contentious he said/she said case where both of us will be ordered to share the kids the way we are now. But I keep hoping that theEx will find a woman who will take him and remarry and have another family OR find a job elsewhere and move away (because I have a clear advantage in that case)…

When I was a teenager I believed that the right man would be out there, waiting for me. I believed that he would be right for me, no matter what, and I would know who he was and it would be happily ever after.

In high school I dated Jace. We dated for 2 years. We were best friends and lovers. We fought like cats and dogs. We loved each other, but we both knew that in the end we were not “meant” for each other. I moved on and dated other people and married theEx, Jace moved on and dated other people and married. We drifted apart.

In my “senior” or grade 12 year and through the first few years of university I dated ColdBlood. We were not friends, we were lovers. He was cold and calculating, distant, moody, and punitive. I believed I loved him, I believed he loved me. I fell into the cycle of abuse with him, forgiving his outbursts and violent mood swings because of his mental illness and because he promised it would never happen again. I believed he was “THE ONE” and so I was shattered when I walked away from him.

Immediately after leaving ColdBlood I started dating theEx. I was a shattered shell of a woman, believing that there was still some WHITE KNIGHT who would “save” her from the world. I thought that TheEx was that person. He was in turns loving and caring and then insulting and demanding. I believed I was broken and unlovable, and was lucky to have ANYONE interested in me. But the insults, jealousy, demands and utter disregard for my feelings, interests or family got to me and I left.

I jumped from theEx to the LAST person he had accused me of cheating with (and really, I likely wouldn’t have even given this person any sort of consideration if theEx hadn’t been blown away with insane jealousy… I would have likely stayed under his roof, under his control, and continued on the way we had been, but MONTHS before I even left him he started in on me about how Stalker was “eyeing” me and how he didn’t like how he talked to me in the 10 minutes that we attended a FUNDRAISER for my work!!!!)as soon as I left. Again the Stalker was a “White Knight”, come to rescue me from an unhappy marriage. But red flags, verbal and written “shit bombs” and other warning signs chased me away from him within a year…

And I immediately started online dating. I met and dated several men. The Fireman, the Teacher, the Business man… very few men made it to the second date stage. Then there was Reg – aka The Noodle.

At first we seemed to have a lot in common — but it soon became apparent that the things he had said were largely to impress me and not really an accurate reflection of who he was or what he was interested in

In the end I stopped trying, and when he made the move to sever ties I jumped at the chance and haven’t looked back.

 Life is too short to be tied to someone who makes you miserable.

So I have decided to take a break from the dating scene.

Yes, I realize that, given my age it means that I am l likely to be single for the rest of my life… or at least for a VERY long time. I’m good with that, because I realize (maybe late in the game) that I’d rather be alone than with someone incompatible or WRONG for me.

With this in mind, I have been putting some thought into a “dating manifesto” of sorts, for when I feel like I might be ready or willing to look for another relationship.

My Manifesto
….Or, dating requirements and Rules

1. EDUCATION. I need a man who has completed a degree. I don’t care what in, but he has to have successfully completed a degree in some field – and within a reasonably average (aka 4-6 years) amount of time.  It might seem snobbish to some, but it does show that someone can follow through on something that is not necessarily EASY to do, and complete it successfully.
2. WELL READ. I am a reader. I am a writer. I read and I write, and I need someone who can appreciate the beauty of that. I need a man that enjoys reading books and reads for fun and education.  Someone who reads will not only be more likely to have shared interests and education, but will be someone who I can carry on a conversation with.
3. BALANCED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. This one is a bit different, I guess. I need to be with someone who has hobbies/interests of their own – things they enjoy doing before we meet — but that are not obsessive (therefore balanced). I can appreciate someone who is interested in sports, as long as they don’t have their ass glued to a couch or bar stool for EVERY SINGLE SPORTING EVENT EVER CREATED. I can appreciate someone who is a fan of something; as long as they realize that the universe does NOT revolve around their fandom.
4. SHARED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. Obviously I want to find someone who has SOMETHING in common with me, who enjoys the kinds of things that I enjoy. Not EVERY interest or hobby has to be identical to mine though.
5. WILLINGNESS TO BE INTERESTED IN MY THINGS. I take it as a given that I will try to show some interest in his thing… I like to learn new things and I am at least WILLING to make an effort. I tried to like theEx’s music, I tried to understand the appeal of WoW for the Stalker (and I did come to enjoy it after a while), I tried to understand the appeal of football and hockey when I was with Noodle… but not ONE of them ever showed any interest or willingness to be present for things I was interested in. I do not think it is unreasonable that, if I attend football games or hockey games or go to movies that my SO is interested in, that he tries to attend a play, a musical, an opera, or a “chick flick” for me.
6. SPIRITUAL BELIEFS. I don’t want someone who calls themselves a Christian just because they figure that’s what it is if you aren’t something else (as much sense as that makes). If you don’t know the core beliefs of your religion, you aren’t really part of that religious tradition.  I don’t want someone who wants to just go along with whatever someone else tells him to believe, either… I want someone who knows what they believe and believes it because it works for them. 
7. ACCEPTANCE OF DIFFERENCE. Because I don’t expect to find someone who is Pagan/Wiccan or follows my spiritual beliefs, it is important that whomever I date is open to accepting the rights of other people to choose traditions, beliefs, or spiritual paths that are different than what they hold. I could not tolerate someone who feels that they have the answers for ANYONE other than themselves about any lifestyle, cultural, spiritual, or personal choice… someone who cannot accept people the way they are WITHOUT judging them as “wrong” (or misguided or uninformed or… ANYTHING negative) is likely someone who will not be happy with me (or anyone else) who is “different”.
8. SENSE OF ADVENTURE. Again with the openness thing, I need a person who isn’t afraid to try new things and open to learning about new things. I can’t imagine being stuck in a relationship with ANOTHER man who was closed to the idea of trying any new food, going to any new activity, learning about anything, or unwilling to consider travelling. I love learning about new things, trying new things, and having new experiences, so it is vital that any person I partner with will also value these things.
9. ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE. With so many past relationships there was a decidedly one-sided communication flow – I called, texted, and did all the work to make sure that we communicated regularly. Going forward I will let my partner know what I expect and need in terms of communication (I like to talk regularly on phone and I really like getting texts at least once a day, even just to say “hi!!”) if that person can’t or won’t communicate consistently they obviously aren’t right for me.
10. FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY. It is important to me to be financially responsible myself, so I expect the same in any partner I have. That doesn’t mean I necessarily need a man who makes a large income, but that I expect that he would be able to pay all his bills (and on time), and support himself without living beyond his means. If he has kids, I’d expect that he promptly paid his child support and didn’t complain about it all the time, whine about his ex being a “gold digger” for having requested child support, or moan about having to buy things for his children that they need. I know that everyone has times when things aren’t necessarily perfect in their lives, I got behind! But if he gets behind or has a set back that he has a plan to get back on track…
    1. NOT MISERLY. Yes, I expect my SO to willingly, lovingingly, and spontaneously GIVE me things to show he cares. I do this for those I care about, I expect that any man I date for any significant amount of time (longer than 3 months) will also be caring and giving in this way.
    2. NO LOANS. I will NOT EVER loan anyone sums of money. Not even “temporarily” (ie, a few weeks/months) to get back on their feet. I don’t object to buying things, taking turns paying for things, but a man who asks for someone they aren’t married to or related to to bail them out, that’s a HUGE red flag.

RULES FOR DATING ME!

1. 1.       Show up on time.
2. Wear clean clothes and be well groomed.
3. Be willing to go out and do things, even if it is only going for a walk and talking.
4. I will not “PUT OUT” automatically at the three date mark. I don’t know who made up this arbitrary “rule” for dating (is it just for dating past your 20s? after divorce?) but it just isn’t happening. I am not going to have sex with someone until I know if they are really someone I want to spend a serious amount of time with. I know that will limit my “choices” but if someone is only looking for a woman willing to give them the three dates and then fuck them, well I don’t think EITHER of us has the right person.
5. If you want a second date, you have to be willing to make the effort to PHONE me. Not text, not chat online… CALL and invite me out. I am not going to be a booty call. After learning that one the hard way (wince) I now realize that calling a woman is a sure sign of actual INTEREST.
6. If you aren’t polite to others around, if you make off colour comments, slurs, or are just disrespectful I will not go out with you again.
7. 7.       You will not meet my children until I deem that you are someone I want in my life for while.
8. I will not tolerate abuse of any kind… including verbal “teasing” that is derogatory in nature.
9. I will not automatically “love” you.  I have been too hasty in the past and so now I am less willing to make statements of emotion. Also know that, should you profess love it does not get you a free pass to ignore, abuse, or mistreat me in any way.
10. I am not going to give up my spiritual beliefs for you or anyone.
11. 11.   I am not going to give up my hobbies/interests for anyone
12. If you are at my home I control what is on MY TV. If you really MUST watch something desperately, ask or don’t come over. I am willing to compromise, but you have to be willing to watch my things as well.
13. If you want to impress me there are three good ways to do that:
    1. WRITE me something – a card, a poem, a letter
    2. COOK for me (and no, bbqing a hamburger doesn’t count)
    3. SHARE an activity with me, more points if it is something NEW that neither of us have done before

That’s what I have so far…

What do you think? What are your deal breakers or REQUIREMENTS?

It seems this week is all about taking a break from things that no longer enrich you, or which you actively DISLIKE doing. For this week’s wishcasting Wednesday, Jamie Ridler asked “What do you wish to take a break from?” and  for  Zen Thursday, Goddess (and hopefully now MAMA GODDESS!!!) Leonie asked the Zen Goddesses to make a list of 5 things that we don’t like doing and stop doing one of them. Because these are so similar I decided that I will deal with them together.

What do I wish to take a break from?

I want a break from feeling guilty about how my ex is “surviving” with the burden of child support – and because I now know how much he actually made (and let me tell you, the number is approximately FOUR TIMES what I made) last year, I really can’t see myself feeling sorry for him. Yes, I am asking for ADDITIONAL child support for the year… but I’m ONLY asking for what the court and HE agreed to – the TABLE amount of support  OFFSET based on our ACTUAL incomes. I’m asking for a ONE TIME ADJUSTMENT because he earned 50% more income than he estimated. I’m enforcing the agreement that we entered into, which was that we would review and revise the payments based on the actual income rather than the estimated income.

I can no longer feel guilty for his poor spending and debt habits. I can no longer allow him to make excuses why he shouldn’t have to live up to his end of our contract, and be taken to task for every little thing by him. We DIVIDED the “marital” debts that he racked up after I left him when I didn’t have access to the accounts AND I had written agreement that they were 100% his. I was STILL required to take and absorb his spending there – EQUALLY, but with THREE TIMES LESS INCOME! I have pulled myself out of the hole my marriage to him and this divorce process had put me in. I have recovered, and I make a LOT less than he does. I can’t continue to “subsidize” him by forgiving his debts for him forever – we agreed with our lawyers and entered into a contract and I will NOT feel guilty for enforcing my RIGHTS for my children.

I am taking a break from feeling RESPONSIBLE for the issues of my EX!

I am also wishing to take a break from the “dating” thing.  I went from theEx to the Stalker to online dating.  These were all experiences I had to go through to get where I am now, to understand what it is that I am and what I need in my life. And I know this for sure: I do not want to jump back into the dating scene right now…

It’s not that I don’t want to eventually have another relationship, or that I don’t want to ever marry again. But I realized that I need to really look at what it is that I want out of this – is it to go out and have fun? Meet new people? Find a mate? Just have sex? – and outline my dating rules for MYSELF. After dating the Noodle, giving up other opportunities to focus on someone who basically stomped all over what he said he wanted, what I stated I wanted, and decided it was all just casual (ie, a sexual  relationship) I know I could do better, and that I want BETTER. I

I am taking a break from MINDLESSLY DATING…

And 5 Things that I do that I don’t LIKE doing!

1. Eating/feeding my kids fast food. I admit, I have been falling back on fast food services the nights that we are running on empty. Monday nights are the worst because I have 15 minutes after I pick up the kids to feed them and get to our Monday night activity meetings, and finding a way to feed them before the meeting has been a struggle.
2. Scouts Canada leadership duties. I admit that I did volunteer to be a leader for my daughter’s Beaver Colony. I also admit that I wasn’t aware of just how much the group (which is a new area) would expect from me beyond my leadership duties. It has devolved from an enjoyable way to spend time with my children, to an anxiety producing obligation. Every week the area commissioner, ScouterP, corners me to let me know that she thinks I need to be more involved, do more, volunteer more, and train more. The thing is that I have OTHER activities and interests beyond Scouts Canada, and unlike the other leaders, I am a single parent trying to work full time and juggle her OWN interests, her children’s activities/interests, a house, a spiritual practice, and the needs of a family WITHOUT a partner to pick up the slack when I am expected to drop everything and attend just one more meeting!!! I understand that ScouterP was able to “do it all” but I’m not freaking SuperWoman here… and I don’t wanna be.
3. Obsessive cleaning. I hate the feeling that any time I have some down time I have to be cleaning my house, keeping things looking “presentable”. My home is clean ENOUGH. I maintain the cleanliness on a weekly basis – the dishes are done and the kitchen is cleaned up on an ongoing basis, laundry is done weekly, the trash is set out (although I am still catching up on the recycling as I unpack boxes)… the bathroom is cleaned weekly. The idea that I have to continuously be washing and wiping and tidying up after everyone else? ARGH!
4. Listening to what “EVERYONE” says. I have always been the “GOOD GIRL”, and that usually means that I do what is expected for GOOD girls to do. I was studious in school. I dated nice boys. I went to university and graduated. I found a suitable boy. I got married. I had children. Even in my divorce I have been a “good” girl, not asking too much, not being too bitchy, not rubbing his face in his failures while he does just that to me. But sometimes I think that I missed out on learning who I was by never rebelling against the norms. I have liked the way certain things look (piercings, tattoos) but I have been afraid to modify myself because I worry if I will be accepted. I have hidden my spirituality and scrubbed it from my home so as not to offend. When the Noodle didn’t approve of drinking socially, I stopped even sipping wine at meals!!
5. Yelling at my kids. I don’t like it, and I am trying very hard to unlearn these behaviours and find new ways that work within me. I don’t pretend, like so many people, that I have all the answers… but as the Mama I have the answers for ME and MY family. Changing the way I look at discipline and parenting, and getting OTHER people to respect my wishes, has been a struggle. I’m still working on it.

I am actually working on changing all of these things. Immediately, though, I am working on saying “NO” more to the requests of ScouterP and NOT feeling guilty for doing so. After all, when I agree to yet ANOTHER night taken for meetings and training and planning and volunteer activities they are asking me to give up things that are much more valuable to me: Time with my kids, nutritious meals, reading, helping with homework, activities that enrich MY life. I do not have infinite capacity in my life – when I say YES to yet another day long forced volunteer event I am, in effect, saying NO to family time with my children (when I have them) or saying NO to activities that *I* very much look forward to on my off time. I should be able to say “NO” without guilt or remorse and have it be accepted, and if they don’t accept that I just can’t attend something then it is THEIR problem, not mine.

I will be practicing this this week – they have planned day long events for Saturday as well as Sunday, with the regular meetings on Monday and a committee meeting on Wednesday. I have already decided that I will NOT be attending the committee meeting – I promised GirlChild to take her to a beginner scrapbook class that night and I do NOT intend to break my word.

I am seriously considering resigning from my leadership role next year. While I enjoy the activity and believe in the organization, it should not rule my entire life. Between regular Monday night meetings, monthly committee and regional meetings, training meetings, campouts, weekend activities, volunTOLD events, and other expected activities/contributions, it has been made clear to me that I am not doing ENOUGH for them. I realize that I want to add activities to MY life – Tae Kwon Do, Yoga, Nia, Bellydance –  and feeling like I am not “allowed” to pick up anything more if I can’t contribute ENOUGH to this is ridiculous.

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fifth and final (but certainly not least) of these areas was the desire to reconnect to something larger than myself out THERE. I wanted to re-visit, explore, and reconnect my soul to the Divine… even though after 12 years I wasn’t entirely SURE what I “believed” anymore…

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How have I been doing making changes?

The answer? Not at all.

The biggest thing I have let slide is looking seriously at my spirituality. Why, you may ask (go ahead, ask…)? Well… I was wondering about this too, until I reviewed how I have been feeling lately and realized I haven’t had enough solitary DOWNTIME to really sit and consider what I have been feeling or seeking or WANTING.

If I review the things I wanted to do to make changes:

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

The only thing in the list that is not a solitary practice is JOINING!! But to get to the “joining” phase I  need to do the other things. And in order to do these things, I need more than a few snatched hours alone!! This is something I have lacked for the last few years – something I either avoided or just couldn’t find a way to get the alone time or I had other obligations…

Which lead to another thing that I really needed to take a serious look at: BOUNDARIES.

Now, boundaries are likely a connecting factor with ALL the things I want to change:

• I need to set physical boundaries in terms of where I live, what is allowed within my physical space, who is allowed within my physical space, and how I decorate my home/space
• I need to set personal boundaries – for my kids, for my family, for friends, for colleagues, for people I interact with, for potential dates, for theEx – and stick to them.
• I need to set boundaries for my TIME
• I need to set boundaries for my finances
• I need to set boundaries for my journey

and as it relates to my SPIRITUALITY, I need to shore up my belief in myself in order to stand FIRM and defend my boundaries – be it not allowing theEx to corner me into discussing financial agreements best handled through the courts or telling other people “no”.

My NEW AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations.  I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.I  WILL take time for myself, with ONLY myself, and not give in to the needs of everyone else. I WILL find the spiritual in everything I do.So I will.

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fourth of these areas, the area I had just had a major epiphany about, was wanting to be more aware of the patterns in my life and to live more CONSCIOUSLY. I wanted to go from not OWNING my decisions to making mindful and meaningful decisions for myself and my family.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

The things that I was being motivated to change in my life?

• How I related and communicated with my children.
• My living environment
• Friendships, new and old
• My own interests and hobbies
• My diet and what I am feeding my children
• What I was brining into my home and spending my money on
• My spirituality
• Looking at my BOUNDARIES

I felt the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth. I am openning myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am making changes

Things I have changed!

• I left the country!!
• I met a bunch of really cool blogger type people (but unfortunately kinda fell down with ever talking to them again, I fell into the “I’m not on their level” trap)
• I bought a townhouse
• Moved to my own house
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I threw myself into dance
• I participated in an 8 week support group
• Admitted to myself that I was not happy with theNoodle and that I wanted to be treated better

Things I am still working on:

• Not worrying what theEx will do about the support amendments
• I dealing with my divorce case and making sure my lawyer LISTENS
• Ignoring theEx’s attempts to continue his abusive behavior/control
• I admitting that my marriage was abusive
• Determining my boundaries for ME
• Changing my eating habits
• Changing my communication patterns with my kids
• Getting out and joining things I want to explore
• Working own my spirituality

Things I have yet to start (but will)

• Writing on Facing East Again
• Spiritual practice/meditation/reflection
• Creating Family Goal Plan and how we want to work towards it

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it. In

Why I need to change:

MY NEW affirmation!:

I WILL let myself BLOOM.  I will give myself time ALONE.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a PERSONAL and FAMILY Plan. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL say no to things that don’t help me meet MY goals. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.