When I was a teenager I believed that the right man would be out there, waiting for me. I believed that he would be right for me, no matter what, and I would know who he was and it would be happily ever after.
In high school I dated Jace. We dated for 2 years. We were best friends and lovers. We fought like cats and dogs. We loved each other, but we both knew that in the end we were not “meant” for each other. I moved on and dated other people and married theEx, Jace moved on and dated other people and married. We drifted apart.
In my “senior” or grade 12 year and through the first few years of university I dated ColdBlood. We were not friends, we were lovers. He was cold and calculating, distant, moody, and punitive. I believed I loved him, I believed he loved me. I fell into the cycle of abuse with him, forgiving his outbursts and violent mood swings because of his mental illness and because he promised it would never happen again. I believed he was “THE ONE” and so I was shattered when I walked away from him.
Immediately after leaving ColdBlood I started dating theEx. I was a shattered shell of a woman, believing that there was still some WHITE KNIGHT who would “save” her from the world. I thought that TheEx was that person. He was in turns loving and caring and then insulting and demanding. I believed I was broken and unlovable, and was lucky to have ANYONE interested in me. But the insults, jealousy, demands and utter disregard for my feelings, interests or family got to me and I left.
I jumped from theEx to the LAST person he had accused me of cheating with (and really, I likely wouldn’t have even given this person any sort of consideration if theEx hadn’t been blown away with insane jealousy… I would have likely stayed under his roof, under his control, and continued on the way we had been, but MONTHS before I even left him he started in on me about how Stalker was “eyeing” me and how he didn’t like how he talked to me in the 10 minutes that we attended a FUNDRAISER for my work!!!!)as soon as I left. Again the Stalker was a “White Knight”, come to rescue me from an unhappy marriage. But red flags, verbal and written “shit bombs” and other warning signs chased me away from him within a year…
And I immediately started online dating. I met and dated several men. The Fireman, the Teacher, the Business man… very few men made it to the second date stage. Then there was Reg – aka The Noodle.
At first we seemed to have a lot in common — but it soon became apparent that the things he had said were largely to impress me and not really an accurate reflection of who he was or what he was interested in
In the end I stopped trying, and when he made the move to sever ties I jumped at the chance and haven’t looked back.
Life is too short to be tied to someone who makes you miserable.
So I have decided to take a break from the dating scene.
Yes, I realize that, given my age it means that I am l likely to be single for the rest of my life… or at least for a VERY long time. I’m good with that, because I realize (maybe late in the game) that I’d rather be alone than with someone incompatible or WRONG for me.
With this in mind, I have been putting some thought into a “dating manifesto” of sorts, for when I feel like I might be ready or willing to look for another relationship.
My Manifesto
….Or, dating requirements and Rules
- EDUCATION. I need a man who has completed a degree. I don’t care what in, but he has to have successfully completed a degree in some field – and within a reasonably average (aka 4-6 years) amount of time. It might seem snobbish to some, but it does show that someone can follow through on something that is not necessarily EASY to do, and complete it successfully.
- WELL READ. I am a reader. I am a writer. I read and I write, and I need someone who can appreciate the beauty of that. I need a man that enjoys reading books and reads for fun and education. Someone who reads will not only be more likely to have shared interests and education, but will be someone who I can carry on a conversation with.
- BALANCED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. This one is a bit different, I guess. I need to be with someone who has hobbies/interests of their own – things they enjoy doing before we meet — but that are not obsessive (therefore balanced). I can appreciate someone who is interested in sports, as long as they don’t have their ass glued to a couch or bar stool for EVERY SINGLE SPORTING EVENT EVER CREATED. I can appreciate someone who is a fan of something; as long as they realize that the universe does NOT revolve around their fandom.
- SHARED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. Obviously I want to find someone who has SOMETHING in common with me, who enjoys the kinds of things that I enjoy. Not EVERY interest or hobby has to be identical to mine though.
- WILLINGNESS TO BE INTERESTED IN MY THINGS. I take it as a given that I will try to show some interest in his thing… I like to learn new things and I am at least WILLING to make an effort. I tried to like theEx’s music, I tried to understand the appeal of WoW for the Stalker (and I did come to enjoy it after a while), I tried to understand the appeal of football and hockey when I was with Noodle… but not ONE of them ever showed any interest or willingness to be present for things I was interested in. I do not think it is unreasonable that, if I attend football games or hockey games or go to movies that my SO is interested in, that he tries to attend a play, a musical, an opera, or a “chick flick” for me.
- SPIRITUAL BELIEFS. I don’t want someone who calls themselves a Christian just because they figure that’s what it is if you aren’t something else (as much sense as that makes). If you don’t know the core beliefs of your religion, you aren’t really part of that religious tradition. I don’t want someone who wants to just go along with whatever someone else tells him to believe, either… I want someone who knows what they believe and believes it because it works for them.
- ACCEPTANCE OF DIFFERENCE. Because I don’t expect to find someone who is Pagan/Wiccan or follows my spiritual beliefs, it is important that whomever I date is open to accepting the rights of other people to choose traditions, beliefs, or spiritual paths that are different than what they hold. I could not tolerate someone who feels that they have the answers for ANYONE other than themselves about any lifestyle, cultural, spiritual, or personal choice… someone who cannot accept people the way they are WITHOUT judging them as “wrong” (or misguided or uninformed or… ANYTHING negative) is likely someone who will not be happy with me (or anyone else) who is “different”.
- SENSE OF ADVENTURE. Again with the openness thing, I need a person who isn’t afraid to try new things and open to learning about new things. I can’t imagine being stuck in a relationship with ANOTHER man who was closed to the idea of trying any new food, going to any new activity, learning about anything, or unwilling to consider travelling. I love learning about new things, trying new things, and having new experiences, so it is vital that any person I partner with will also value these things.
- ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE. With so many past relationships there was a decidedly one-sided communication flow – I called, texted, and did all the work to make sure that we communicated regularly. Going forward I will let my partner know what I expect and need in terms of communication (I like to talk regularly on phone and I really like getting texts at least once a day, even just to say “hi!!”) if that person can’t or won’t communicate consistently they obviously aren’t right for me.
- FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY. It is important to me to be financially responsible myself, so I expect the same in any partner I have. That doesn’t mean I necessarily need a man who makes a large income, but that I expect that he would be able to pay all his bills (and on time), and support himself without living beyond his means. If he has kids, I’d expect that he promptly paid his child support and didn’t complain about it all the time, whine about his ex being a “gold digger” for having requested child support, or moan about having to buy things for his children that they need. I know that everyone has times when things aren’t necessarily perfect in their lives, I got behind! But if he gets behind or has a set back that he has a plan to get back on track…
- NOT MISERLY. Yes, I expect my SO to willingly, lovingingly, and spontaneously GIVE me things to show he cares. I do this for those I care about, I expect that any man I date for any significant amount of time (longer than 3 months) will also be caring and giving in this way.
- NO LOANS. I will NOT EVER loan anyone sums of money. Not even “temporarily” (ie, a few weeks/months) to get back on their feet. I don’t object to buying things, taking turns paying for things, but a man who asks for someone they aren’t married to or related to to bail them out, that’s a HUGE red flag.
RULES FOR DATING ME!
- 1. Show up on time.
- Wear clean clothes and be well groomed.
- Be willing to go out and do things, even if it is only going for a walk and talking.
- I will not “PUT OUT” automatically at the three date mark. I don’t know who made up this arbitrary “rule” for dating (is it just for dating past your 20s? after divorce?) but it just isn’t happening. I am not going to have sex with someone until I know if they are really someone I want to spend a serious amount of time with. I know that will limit my “choices” but if someone is only looking for a woman willing to give them the three dates and then fuck them, well I don’t think EITHER of us has the right person.
- If you want a second date, you have to be willing to make the effort to PHONE me. Not text, not chat online… CALL and invite me out. I am not going to be a booty call. After learning that one the hard way (wince) I now realize that calling a woman is a sure sign of actual INTEREST.
- If you aren’t polite to others around, if you make off colour comments, slurs, or are just disrespectful I will not go out with you again.
- 7. You will not meet my children until I deem that you are someone I want in my life for while.
- I will not tolerate abuse of any kind… including verbal “teasing” that is derogatory in nature.
- I will not automatically “love” you. I have been too hasty in the past and so now I am less willing to make statements of emotion. Also know that, should you profess love it does not get you a free pass to ignore, abuse, or mistreat me in any way.
- I am not going to give up my spiritual beliefs for you or anyone.
- 11. I am not going to give up my hobbies/interests for anyone
- If you are at my home I control what is on MY TV. If you really MUST watch something desperately, ask or don’t come over. I am willing to compromise, but you have to be willing to watch my things as well.
- If you want to impress me there are three good ways to do that:
- WRITE me something – a card, a poem, a letter
- COOK for me (and no, bbqing a hamburger doesn’t count)
- SHARE an activity with me, more points if it is something NEW that neither of us have done before
That’s what I have so far…
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