I’m sitting at work listening to the howl of the wind as my province falls into yet another late winter storm pounds the wall and window beside me. I can feel the draught from under the door and the cracks in the window. It’s freezing here (0C) and it’s hard to believe that just yesterday it was +18C (although with the ever present wind)… we’ve been promised or threatened with up to 20cm of snow… and from the chill and the sound of the wind it’s not unlikely either.

This week has been a total mish-mash of ups and downs and weirdness and unexpected twists and turns…

The bad Stuff

NO ME TIME.

Seriously, I felt like I was booked all week with things. While I generally LIKE to keep busy on the weeks I don’t have the kids, I was also really hoping to have a portion of time to myself this week to get a bunch of cleaning, organizing and unpacking done around the house. Unfortunately with the Easter break messing with the joint custody schedule, the last month I have not had more than 1 weekend at a time without the kids (instead of 2 weekends)… and every weekend they are with ME I have been chauffeuring them to various social obligations.

This week I was booked and most days I didn’t get home until 9pm… so a lot of the cleaning and things that I wanted to do didn’t get done, and I have the kids for the next 2 weekends (and then I only get HALF a weekend when they go to their dad’s LATE for a 1 week “visit”) so some of those things will have to wait for a bit longer.

Don’t get me WRONG, I prefer to have my kids with me… but there are just some things that are easier to do without having to worry about having the kids underfoot. I am hoping, though, that we can get the basement In some sort of order over these 2 weeks so that we can use it as a craft/family area and not just a clutter catcher J.

Weather

Today we are having a “late season” storm. I wish I could easily convey the noise of the wind smashing its fury against the wall and window of my office. I wish I could explain the sleet pelting against the windows, the feeling of being yanked and buffeted about by the wind.

Suffice it to say, things are a bit out of sorts here. I am at work, desperately wishing to get the LAST piece of information I need so I that I can pack up and retreat home before the highway between my work and my home are officially closed. I have spent the day listening to the fury outside and dealing with out-of-sorts engineers and construction workers who have been unexpectedly trapped in our city for the weekend because the highways THEY need to travel ARE closed.

I just want to go home and not have to worry about the anger of the late season storm right now.

Wanting a break

The last few weeks I have just been wanting to get away from it all… but since I moved I have barely had a day to myself to get done what I need to do! So I have been trying to figure out when I can get away and visit Sunil out in the no-so-wilds of Toronto again… I needs me some BIG books.

Things I am not sure how to respond to

The Noodle

Earlier this week I was contacted by the Noodle via FaceBook message. I was shocked that he would bother to contact me at all, given that we haven’t really talked much more than 3 or 4 text messages passed back and forth after I moved (because he still had a set of my keys for the old place).  I had the impression that he had really not been all that interested in me as a date OR a person.

He pointed out that he had visited my blog (which I knew he knew about) and that I had seemed very much more BITTER than I had led him to believe, which had lead him to believe that either I hated him or that I was a very angry and bitter woman.

While I felt disturbed by the way things went, and how much I tried to make this work with him, I took away from it not anger or resentment but what I could have done differently and also what I learned about MYSELF and what I wanted in not only a relationship, but out of my life.

But his feelings are his feelings. He felt that I was bitter. I felt that I had misread a situation and that I should have done better. He felt I was angry. I felt hurt that I misunderstood what we had to be a real relationship when he felt it was casual– and the interpretation of the term that way really hurt my heart.

I was not sure, given the wording of the message, what he was asking for (or had wanted to ask for), but I asked if he would want to go out for “coffee” sometime. I had appreciated the part he had played in my life, and what lessons I learned about who I was and what I wanted… and thanked him for that.

I’m not sure what to think about the situation. In the intervening 2 months since we dissolved our association with each other I have realized how I should have been more forthright and upfront about what I wanted, even when I changed my mind, and clear about my own boundaries.

My response stated all I wanted to say about the ending and my self-recrimination for how things went. It was a catalyst to further understanding of my patterns and what I really want, and that isn’t a bad thing, whether this finalizes any contact we ever have or not.

The good…

(Because I am hoping to sneak away early today for safety reasons, I better make this pretty brief)

In no particular order:

Started an art journal online workshop thing with DirtyFootprints Studio. I have wanted to do this sorta thing for a LONG time, and so when this came up I felt the desire to JUMP and start. I haven’t had a lot of time, yet, to do this stuff… but its not a time sensitive type thing so I am not gonna stress. So far I have only managed to glop colour and gel medium onto 1 page… but I have lots of time yet.

My own HOME! Yes, a LOT of the rooms are still “builder beige” and I really detest that colour, but I am slowly making the space my own. I have So many ideas, just not sure how to get them done. I have started to realize that I need some power tools and some basic know-how… but I don’t have to ask permission and I can do what I need to do to make this place MINE. I can’t express how HAPPY I am as I  walk through my house at night, to realize that this is all MINE and its okay if I change things.

Secret vegetarianism. The weeks that I do not have the kids, I have found that more often than not I eat a mostly vegetarian diet. I am loving cooking things that are less reliant on meats and more flavour based… and I’m looking into going more either vegetarian and cutting down on meats.

My kids will be home in a few minutes, so I am gonna post this and go…

Have a great weekened everyone

Tags: as-I-see-it, communication, good and bad, noodle, relationships