Frozen Nowhere

I’m sitting in my office, listening to the rain pelt the windows and wondering if anything is likely to seep through the crack in the window.  The day is grey and wet and slightly foggy, leaving a chilly mist wafting through the office whenever someone opens the door. There are piles of paperwork on my desk, and the ubiquitous sticky notes all over the monitor and my day timer reminding me of the ways I’m being pulled in different directions trying to get things done.

I’m waiting for the weekend… waiting to get out of the monotony of paperwork and stress and being questioned about the most minute details..

Weekends are my days to do chores, if I can get the time to do them. The problem has been GETTING THEM!  Because theEx likes to play stupid little games and fucks around with the custody schedule to suit his needs, I haven’t gotten many weekends without the kids:

• March 6-19 the kids were with me (2 weeks)
• March 19-26 the kids were with him (1 week)
• March 26-April 2 the kids were with me (1 week)
• April 2-9 the kids were with him (1 week)

And it doesn’t end there:

• April 9-24^th (because he has a business trip that takes him out of town until the 22^nd and he wants to have social time with the new girlfriend, he’s picking the kids up late)the kids are with ME ( 2 weeks +1 day so I have HALF a weekend)
• April 23-April 30 the kids are with him (1 week)
• May 1-May 14 the kids are with me… and the schedule goes back to normal

Until or unless he fucks around with it some more…  

Anyway, the point is that I haven’t had 2 weekends in a row to get things done since I moved into my house. Even the weekends that I haven’t had them has been taken up with other obligations that pull me away from spending time on my ME things. I find myself feeling anxious to get started things, but since I don’t have consistent time after work to pull things out and get started before I have to put things away again… well… I have found myself making a list of promises to myself that have to wait until I don’t have the kids. It will be at LEAST 4 weeks before I get an entire weekend without the kids. 

• I want to spread out the art supplies and do some art journaling.
• I want to paint the kitchen
• I want to paint MY room
• I want to paint the bathroom
• I want to decorate my room
• I want to go on a trip to Ontario
• I want to make bread
• I want to set up a bunch of OAMC recipes
• I want to clean out my car
• I want to reorganize my pantry
• I want to declutter and organize my basement and make it into a good play/family area
• I need to spend a weekend dragging things to be donated
• I need to spend a weekend looking for components to decorate with

Things I don’t see working WELL with the kids in tow.  I mean, they would LOVE to help paint the rooms, but it would be a giant disaster. They would like to go to Ontario again, but I want to get some stuff done out there that is not easy to do with tired kids in tow (and I want at least ONE night in my year to celebrate my freedom from their father… if I EVER FREAKING GET DIVORCED!!!).  Cleaning and reorganizing isn’t generally something they like to do, and tend to undo as fast as I can do it (by bringing dirt and junk in from outside).

Sometimes I just want a few hours in the MIDDLE of the day to myself. Yes, I get evenings after I put them to bed to do things, but I’m frazzled by then and I am not as productive.  And generally those hours are filled by cleaning up after supper dishes , sweeping the floors, rinsing out the bathroom sink, and washing clothes.

Lately I have been wanting time ALONE. I have been wanting to spend some quality time CREATING things FOR myself, by myself. I feel odd saying it. Sometimes I like having company, sometimes I miss my kids. Sometimes I need to be social and get out and be inspired.  But other times, especially lately, I kinda want to CREATE an not worry about entertaining someone else for a while. I find myself wanting to think my own thoughts without having to justify my own personal choices to anyone (no matter how much they care about me).

I want to create a personal space in my bedroom, with a small creating table and a small comfortable chair. I want a small creative space (a shelving unit to put my journals and craft supplies for easy access) to do my journaling and scrapbooking and art journaling and writing. I want a ladder bookshelf that leans against the wall where I can put books and beautiful objects. I want a DRESSER with a mirror so I can put on makeup when I want to. I want shelves on my walls to put pretties. I want to create an altar.

I need time to sit and contemplate my space and my needs without having to consider the needs of anyone that isn’t ME. That means letting go of the expectations of others. It means creating a zone that is only me. Creating a sanctuary. Creating a space that feeds MY spirit. And not having to share that with ANYONE. It means being able to take as much time as I want to get things right, without being rushed by anyone else. It means accepting that NO ONE ELSE MATTERS there…

I am feeling the desire to create, the urge to make my space my OWN, but not sure how to go about doing that.

I just know that it’s a pressure, a NEED…