Frozen Nowhere

I’m having a hard time writing lately. Things are feeling… hard… right now. I am distracted, trying to keep so many “balls in the air” in so many aspects of my life.

It’s hard to talk about things, even here, because I know that my words will be judged.  I appreciate people READING/Listening to my words, but there are some times when I do not necessarily need the FEEDBACK on my decisions, just the support that I am doing things the way I need to do them.

That being said… I have things that I want to get off my mind that don’t necessarily need the judgment of minds outside me (although support is okay, I don’t necessarily need “shoes” thrown (to use a Havi-Brook-ism) right now)…

1. Divorce

Amazingly enough, the order of divorce has FINALLY been signed by a judge, meaning that I will legally be no longer married (according to the Government of Canada) 31 days from that date. For those keeping track, the divorce judgment was issued April 15, 2010, and so I will be legally divorced as of May 16, 2010.

I don’t know how to feel about it.  My emotions are all over the place with the finality of the ending of my marriage.  I am:

• Relieved that this part is over
• Frustrated with the way things were handled
• Upset that I failed
• Happy that I made it through, relatively unscathed
• Annoyed that theEx continues to try and muddy the issues and play games with support
• Intimidated by theEx with regards to his constant badgering me to see how he’s the one presenting things “fairly” while I am being greedy
• Disappointment with the “death” of a life I wanted – married with kids and a home
• Realization that I am better off (emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, socially) without theEx
• Unsure
• Self-loathing because I feel that he might be right in labeling me “greedy” for asking the lawyers to review the support documents rather than (yet again) agreeing with what he wants and sees as “fair”
• Proud of standing up to him and his bullying
• Afraid of the debt from enforcing my child support order
• Disappointed in theEx for trying to bully me out of support for our kids, when he makes THREE TIMES what I do
• Afraid. Afraid that I have been wrong. Afraid that the ex is right and that my asserting my NOW COURT GIVEN RIGHTS is “greedy” or “selfish” or will cause issues later on
• Virtuous. I did things right. I didn’t play dirty. I got out without bankrupting myself, and I asked for LESS THAN I was due from theEx and STILL made it through.
• ANGRY that even though I make 50-75% LESS than theEx he feels the need to constantly tell me that he can’t “live” on what he earns if he is required to pay support
• Guilt that he is “struggling” and feels that it is MY fault that he isn’t able to make his ends meet
• Frustration that I feel angry and guilty and a bit superior to him when he could definitely live within his means, rather than try to force me to give in and let him pay less and less…

 

2. CHILD SUPPORT ISSUE

There is a question of outstanding child support for 2009 on the table.  It shouldn’t be a shock to him, but he is trying to control the situation outside of talking to the lawyers. This is simply something he is struggling with, and getting DESPERATE trying to get me to agree with his interpretation of “fair”.

Most conversations go like this:

X: I had to wait to file taxes. I needed to be sure I had the money.

Me: I just need the forms.

X: I will get the forms when they come. But you DO see how it is unfair to have my income viewed at $X this year? They are counting it TWICE!! That’s not fair.

Me: I am not going to offer an opinion on that right now.

X: but it isn’t FAIR! 

Me: I do not know the tax and support laws/guides for this. Ask your lawyer, she’ll know.

X: But she charges me for every 2 min phone call! I can’t AFFORD that! But you can SEE its not fair this way! I can TELL Lawyer that my income is $Y and your income as $T and she will tell us what should have been paid.

Me: I am not agreeing or disagreeing. I don’t know the rules and I do not feel comfortable agreeing with you on this.

X:You’re being GREEDY!!! I have to live too you know…(much blah blah whining and email abuse about how I’m ruining him inserted here)

The funny part of this is that theEx makes THREE times what I make in a year. THREE TIMES. I don’t feel sorry for him. I don’t AGREE with him. I don’t DISAGREE with him, for the record.

I agreed to have it reviewed and dealt with… by SOMEONE ELSE, someone NOT theEx, someone who KNOWS about these things, is to look at both sets of documents and give us the answer…

I want to be protected.

3. LOVE LIFE

I haven’t wanted to write about this because I had enough of the negative reactions from people when I mentioned that I had been contacted by the Noodle.   And even worse when I mentioned that I RESPONDED to him

I got reactions that ranged from supportive but cautious to outright hostile about the Noodle. While I respect that things did not necessarily go very well between the Noodle and I, the ending was pretty much a letting go and stepping back away, not a blow out fight.  Responding to the message on FaceBook, then chatting on MSN, and talking on the phone??? Those were 100% my choices to make and didn’t affect anyone other than me and my children, and, those people are MY responsibility and no one else’s.

While there was perhaps a grain of trying to protect me from hurt, the vehemence of the proclamation that even talking to the Noodle again was “stupid” and that he was just going to “use” me again was a little disconcerting to me. Yes, the relationship went off the rails pretty early on – mostly due to lack of communication, stress of divorces (both of us were completing divorce processes), and child rearing pressures … but in the end only I know what I want and do not want in my life…

I wrote truly about the previous part of the relationship. The last day I saw him was January 1. The last time I talked to him was January 5 when I called to wish him a happy birthday. We drifted apart via MSN on January 12, and he had made it clear that he just hadn’t been interested in fighting for a future.

So I was shocked to hear from him 3 weeks ago. At first I wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, but I was willing to listen, I was open to at least a friendship. I wasn’t about to pretend that nothing happened, I wasn’t able to just ignore the fact that I had felt very isolated and alone and unwanted in the relationship for most of the time we were “together”. I couldn’t ignore the things I had done wrong, but I couldn’t brush aside the lack of willingness to care and nurture a relationship on his side either.

In the end I decided, FOR MYSELF, to give the relationship another shot. There are changes in the way things are going to go – I am not hosting weekends at my place, we’re not getting the kids together yet, the focus (whether anyone else agrees or not) is on the Noodle and I (not on our lives as single parents) and we’re communicating regularly. And even though people would rather I just stay single and focus only on my kids and my cats, I know that my life path isn’t necessarily going to follow the “approved” path that everyone ELSE wants for me…

So… there you have it: My divorce has been signed and I will be officially, legally single again as of May 16^th, I am still avoiding agreeing with theEx on back support issues, and I am once again dating the Noodle…

Any questions???

Tags: as-I-see-it, communication, divorce, feelings, relationships, The Noodle, TheEx