With my divorce finalized, I have come to realize that the relationship with theEx has not only legally changed, but is ripe for a complete overhauling of the rules of engagement. While the rules have slowly been changing since I made the momentous step of walking out of our marital home and it has been difficult to create a sense of my complete independence from the role I played for so long.

The relationship with theEx was abusive. Verbally and emotionally theEx would use guilt and threats to subdue me and make me feel as small and unimportant as he could. Whenever I tried to create a boundary he would push through and stomp out my efforts. While most people would think that it would be easier to get away from someone who was “just” emotionally and verbally abusive than someone who hit you that’s not true.

 The was weakened boundaries for myself. Since standing up for myself, making my own decisions and trusting MYSELF were often triggers for abuse from theEx (because control was important to him) I avoided those behaviours. He could control me, and he wanted to keep that control, and anything the questioned his control/authority caused him to REMIND me who “kept” me (same with the Stalker) using care and money as a reason and induce feelings that I would have to stay.

When I broke loose and started looking at things clearly for the first time it was pretty obvious to me that I needed to decide FOR ME what was and was not acceptable. I needed to have boundaries so I could become the person I was meant to be.

I Needed to Build a Sanctuary of ME

I had to come to a place in my life where I felt safe to explore myself.

That might sound strange to some people, but the effort of avoiding negative emotions from things around me had stopped me from really finding out who I was. I hadn’t had space of my own, previously, where I felt I was free to unfurl my wings…

The first thing I did was to realize that I needed both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL space I needed time to make my home my OWN space. I wanted to sleep by myself, I wanted to do my own podcast by myself, I wanted to worship alone, I wanted to cook for myself, I wanted to parent my children alone, I wanted to watch tv, do needlework, read, write, blog, bathe…I wanted to taste life and EXPERIENCE things without having to please someone else or SHARE every single experience with someone.

I (started to) disentangle myself from a toxic relationship. Some of the elements of control and guilt and verbal abuse that I experienced in past relationships were violently waving red flags:

• being made to feel “selfish” or guilty via email for not agreeing to what the other wanted
• being made to feel pressured to share/hide my spirituality
• finding “gifts” on my doorstep intended to woo/buy/guilt me into response
• text messages/emails threatening me if I didn’t respond immediately
• attacks for my blog/diary/journals

While it was hard to leave theEx, realizing that the Stalker was just as bad wasn’t as hard. Part of realizing what I wanted in my life necessitated cutting out what I didn’t want, no matter what the other person wanted. Realizing that things were heading down a road I no longer wanted to walk, I choose to walk away. Saying that, the cutting of ties was harder than just saying that I was done. All told, I had to screen email, change locks, change my phone number and resist reacting to the threats, pleas, angry outbursts, drunk texts/calls, and viscious attacks on my blog for 6 months before I felt I could let down my guard and feel SAFE again.

 I went through a massive decluttering. I threw away/recycled/donated/gifted items that were in my home that no longer spoke of who I was. I was no longer Mrs. TheEx, after all. I was no longer bound by his rules for asthetic and status objects!

 I made room in my space for ME. I cleaned. I reflected. I enjoyed. I created sacred space for myself to shine through.

I modified my living arrangements to fit my lifestyle. The biggest thing I did was stop renting and make the jump to purchasing my own townhouse. Yes, I gave up savings, but it gave me a way out of an insecure and increasingly unlivable situation with my upstairs neighbors and a deadbeat landlord. Which lead to…

 Making lifestyle changes to fit the person I was becoming. For the first time in my life I started to really think about what I wanted my life too look like — present, near future, distant future — and I started to create a plan to get there. That meant having to make hard decisions in my life– what things I valued the most, what financial goals I wanted to meet, what interpersonal goals I wanted, what kind of relationship did I want to have with my family/kids/friends/partner/self — and start to make the necessary changes.

Setting Boundaries

Building the boundaries (for me) was a process of getting to a space and time when I was able to be secure enough in my environment to start working not just to survive but to thrive as a person. Realizing, for the first time, that my life didn’t need to be lived to please or appease another person, that I could make my own decisions without having to justify or ask permission, was a truly NEW experience for me.

I feel like a new person.

I have started to change my relationship with my (now finally truely EX) ex-husband. I would like to say that I have become an expert on setting boundaries with him and maintaining them. I would be lying if I told you that.

Like all people who are used to getting their own way, setting boundaries with theEx has had the unfortunate effect of causing theEx to… well… to throw “temper tantrums” and exhibit bullying, abusive behaviour. And, just as his past behaviour would scare me into bowing to his demands or appeasing him, I have often felt the express “need” to give in to his demands, felt guilty, felt like a shitty mother, worried about my abilities to “make it”, and accepted blame for actions that were not MINE.

I have sometimes FAILED to stand up to him and defend my boundaries. I have continually taken on responsibility for his feelings, his reactions, and his needs, at the detriment of my OWN feelings, needs, or rights. Little by little I am unpacking the words he uses, the feelings that are evoked, and what my rights REALLY are. Little by little I am building stronger boundaries with him. Little by little I am gaining personal space and letting go of the fears that gave him control over me in the past.

I am standing firm.

 My relationship with theEx has to change. And that means that his role in my life has to change:

• I will no longer be afraid of him, since he no longer holds any power over me. While I was married to him I was economically tied to him (and his spending habits), but now I am financially free from his BS. The most he can threaten to do is take me to court for not “cooperating” with him the way he wants me to… and at the worst they will charge me money and uphold the status quo because I am a good parent (albeit strict) and a healthy person
• I will no longer accept responsibility for his financial fuckery. It is a well known fact amoungst the people who know theEx that he spends money faster than he earns it. But his spending now has nothing to do with me. NOTHING. His legal expenses are his problem and I am not going to remediate his costs (I can’t trust him enough to deal with him without legal assistance) or negotiate to keep his costs low at my expense. His child support payments are the MINIMUM required by the courts… I have never asked for more than was legally owed.
• I will no longer allow the guilt or blame. I realize that theEx exercised control over me by making me feel “not good enough” because it made him more secure knowing that I was insecure, and the easiest way to make me insecure was to make me question if I was being good enough by making me feel guilt for something I haven’t done or blame for something I supposedly HAD done.
• I will no longer accept control from outside me. I will no longer worry about meeting arbitrary demands and deadlines. Since there is nothing he can really do to me if I fail to live up to his expectations, I will make the conscious effort to put a stop to his expectation that I will drop everythign to answer his calls or respond to his emails immediately. Unless someone is sick, injured or dying there is no reason he should expect me to jump to respond to his demands. Again, he has nothing he can do, other than throw a temper tantrum.
• I will not allow him to corner me. I will not enter his home, I will not invite him into mine. We have no real reason to socialize together, and I have nothing I want to “talk” to him about that desperately, and its usually a code for wanting to pressure me into some sort of clandestine agreement when HE says it…

I imagine my personal sanctuary being fortified by my “rules” — I build a door by not letting him have power over me, I create a peephole when I view but don’t respond to his “urgency” via phone or email, I create myself a piggy bank when I control only MY spending issues and stop enabling his, I create a fence when I keep him out of my home, and I create a MOAT (full of karmasharks) when I take away his power to use guilt and blame…

What do you see when you create boundaries to keep toxic people out of your life?