Becoming a Willow
Years ago, when I would have identified myself first and foremost as a Wiccan*, I came across something called the Celtic Tree Sign… sort of a Celtic Pagan Astrology thing. I don’t know if it was real, or yet another thing created by those displaced European Pagans who desperately wanted to connect with something, and so looked back to their supposed Celtic roots. But there it was, another “what is your sign, what does your tree say about you” and I remember that every iteration of this “tree sign” thing I came up with the same, damned tree…
The WILLOW
My concept of a willow was that of the obsequious “weeping willow” a droopy sad looking tree that fairly oozes the idea of self pity and “oh, woe is me”. I associate it with a WEAK, mopey, quality of self-reflection that gets one stuck in the “what’s wrong with me” thinking. It was of a tree that was whipped about in the wind, never standing solid against the storms being thrown at me…
This is what the Celtic Tree Sign says about Willow:
“If you are a Willow sign, you are ruled by the moon, and so your personality holds hands with many of the mystical aspects of the lunar realm. This means you are highly creative, intuitive (highly psychic people are born under the sign of the Willow) and intelligent. You have a keen understanding of cycles, and you inherently know that every situation has a season. This gives you a realistic perspective of things, and also causes you to be more patient than most tree signs. With your intelligence comes a natural ability to retain knowledge and you often impress your company with the ability to expound on subjects from memory. Willow Celtic tree astrology signs are bursting with potential, but have a tendency to hold themselves back for fear of appearing flamboyant or overindulgent. It is your powers of perception that ultimately allow your true nature to shine, and what leads you to success in life.”
Maybe I’m wrong about the willow.
Have you ever seen a willow, truly SEEN one? A willow bends in the storm, the flexibility that allows it to adapt but not break. It sits on the edge of the marshy wetlands (the emotional aspect?) and thrives without drowning. Even the WEEPING willow, the sorrowful member of this tribe, can both reach for the sky and touch the ground!
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Recently I have been thinking of who I am… and what I am… I started this blog for the purpose of finding my voice and finding myself and finding my true strength.
For years I got caught up with what other people thought of me – I was caught in the reflective pool, gazing at myself and wondering why I wasn’t happy and how I could become what other people wanted me to be – and I never once even CONSIDERED doing something counter to that.
I graduated high school and immediately went to university. Was I ready? NO. But I went because it was what was expected of me. What did I WANT to do? I wanted to travel somewhere, but I felt that I wasn’t permitted by my upbringing (until I was 32 I never went ANYWHERE outside my city BY MYSELF) and so I did what I thought I should do.
I dated men that I knew were acceptable to my family – they had good earning potential and good family – and never considered anything other than the headlong trip into marriage. Was I ready? NO. Did I love the man I married? NO, but I was too afraid to say “no” to a proposal because that was what I was groomed to do, get married and have children. While I wanted children, I didn’t necessarily want the man I married.
Even leaving the abuse was hard because of the expectations surrounding the image of who I was… I was a wife, I was a mother, and to those outside my home, I had a good husband and a “good deal”. I was miserable. I felt that I had grown up too soon after university, been pushed to get a job when my kids were too young (therefore not getting to be the kind of mother I wanted to be) and leaving an abusive husband necessitated that I work more to provide for the kids and pay the lawyer to get divorced.
I should have been free to be who I wanted to be once I was free of the Ex’s bullshit, but I wasn’t. I lived with my parents, so I was careful to be what they felt was “good enough”. I lived under threat from theEx of him taking my children or cutting child support, so I played the role of “good girl”. I dated the person he accused me of leaving him for, because I might as well do the crime since I already paid for it!
Not once have I considered, first and formost, about what *I* wanted in my life.
Until recently, that is. I always worried more about what others would THINK if I did this or that or the other thing. Not how I would feel about myself, but what OTHER people would think or say, or god forbid, DO to me if I did what I wanted, said what I needed, or admitted to what I really wanted to do in my life…
That is absolute BULLSHIT.
I am a 36 year old woman. I have a job that pays my bills. I have a car that is paid off. I have very little debt. I have enough to make my bills. I have retirement savings. I know my limits. I know my rights now, and I know what the Ex can and cannot do to me if he disapproves of my life style.
I am an adult. I do NOT need anyone’s permission for the choices I make in my life. I do not have to cower (anymore) for not loving my husband, for fighting against him to have my daughter, for choosing to leave my marriage, for the mistakes I have made in the process of my divorce.
I do NOT need permission from anyone to live my life the way I want it. Not to save or spend, travel or stay, love or leave, hold or release… My life is for me and my kids and whomever I choose to share it with – not my ex husband, not my ex-stalker, not friends, not employer or coworkers, not my parents, not my extended family – and if people choose not to agree with the things I do, then that’s okay.
Maybe I am learning from Willow… before I saw willow’s ability to bend as a weakness… now I see that being able to adapt and change, to stay grounded and rooted while the storm has whipped about me, is a strength. I see the ability to live with emotions and not be overwhelmed, to reflect on the patterns and cycles in life as a BENEFIT and a BLESSING…
I know, now, that I can grow towards the sky while still staying in touch with the grounding emotions and intuition that allow me to grow to my full potential. More than being rooted to my past, I am able to draw on my awareness of the emotional side of things to soften my approach and allow me to bend and whip about without breaking. I’m learning that what I thought was a weakness (my ability to feel and share my feelings with others) is really able to be a strength as I ground myself through my awareness of not only my foundation but my emotions.
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THE GIGGLE Mail around Group
A long time ago, after a long and arduous project, I tracked down the VP and offered him my head. I apologized for the mistakes I’d made, for leading a good team down a rat-hole and I told him that I was completely prepared if there were any consequences that needed someone to take responsibility.
When he was finished laughing at me, he pointed out a long list of things that I’d accomplished, for myself, for the company, for my team, and for him. And I had no idea of any of it.
I’m not sure it’s quite the same thing, it’s more about being taught that our perception of ourselves is vastly harsher than anybody else’s view of us.
But yeah, I think it’s important that a person stand up for themselves, and you take your friend’s input as information, but you are the ruler of yourself, and you have to make the choices that support that self. And if you have to tell your friends, family, or me to go (bleep) themselves, then do it. I can’t guarantee I’ll like or agree with it, but I’ll respect you for having the presence to stand up for yourself.