Frozen Nowhere

… I wondered what was up and thought about emailing, but then decided against it.

… I watched the sky cloud up and worried the rain would come again

…I watched the sun break through and hoped things would be okay again

…I emailed my lawyer’s boss, wondering if my lawyer had quit working for them or why he never so much as responded “got the info” the three times I sent it to him

…I wandered through my office and watched the remodel, not being able to consistently work at my station

…I loved the idea of running off somewhere for a vacation this summer

… I listened to the quiet hum of the water cooler/heater in the office after everyone left.

…I thought of writing, started, deleted, and started again

…I allowed myself a brief moment of hope for my future – for a family and partner (even with discipline issues) for love, and for companionship – without fear that I wasn’t good enough for that.

…I thought of packing up the painful stuff and sending it off.

…I wondered why she didn’t tell me they wanted to go on vacation or that she didn’t think she wanted to take care of my kids anymore, leaving me in a lurch with no warning scrambling for a summer schedule.

…I wondered if I would visit with her this summer before she went away again.

…I dreamed of space.

…I picked out the colour for a room of my own.

…I dared to hope that things were changing.

…I got angry at yet another delay.

…I realized now wasn’t the time, that the time might never really come.

…I set in motion a dream.

… I realized that my words are my power…

and then I fell down a flight of stairs… banged my butt and hip and shoulder down EVERY step…

Tomorrow is gonna hurt