Long ago, around 20 years or so, I had a dream.
It wasn’t a glamorous dream. It wasn’t a glittery dream. It wasn’t a blazing, take over the world dream. It wasn’t something that would get me lauded in halls of fame or infamy…
It was just a dream, a goal, a Path.
Somewhere on the Path I laid down my pack, sighed in resignation, and took another road. I took a road that was touted as “Better” and “Leading to Success” and “Stable”… I took the Path that made my family happy, “oh look, she’ll have a career, she’ll be able to look after her self!” and made my (now ex) husband happy, “oh thank God she will get a job that will PAY for the lifestyle I want without being an embarrassment to me”… and that made everything think I was a sensible, mature, adult…
I walked away from the Path that led to my dream – it was too “uncertain”, there was “no money in it”, it was too “new agey, woo woo”… and no one believed I could “make anything of” myself in that career.
I would like to say I actually TRIED to make the new Path work, but my heart wasn’t in it. I tried my hardest to veer off the Path, to show those who had pooh-poohed my dream SEE that I wasn’t meant to be an office drone. But I was good at school, and I made my way successfully through a program by finding the few things that were interesting enough to potentially work towards.
My heart wasn’t in it. Instead of planning a grand career that would take theEx and I to wonderful new heights of wealth (or debt the way he spent) I was planning a family and a simple, happy, impossible (since we had different ideas of this) life with children and a SMALL, modest home. While my husband wanted the grand dream home, 2 cars, all the toys and trinkets, I wanted FAMILY and love and a partner who would be part of my life.
I sabotaged my marriage. I got pregnant early on the new Path to my career and had to slow down and then mere weeks before I was to finally graduate, at the beginning of a Gods-Honest CAREER path, I chose to have my daughter rather than take the brass ring. With that choice to parent rather than follow the Path set for me, the death knell rang on my marriage.
Now… 3 years out of my marriage, 7 years out of school, 10 years out from the original divergence I am starting to wonder – what was so WRONG about the original DREAM that everyone steered me down the other Path?
Why can’t I find a way, even 10 years late, to follow a dream? Maybe my dream won’t make me wealthy… but its probably not destined to drive me to the poor house either. Perhaps I won’t be wildly successful, but I might be at peace with MYSELF and who and what I am. Maybe I will disappoint those who love me… but maybe they will learn that they don’t always know what is best for me?
There is nothing really WRONG in becoming the person I want to be – even after a 10 year detour.
Tags: as-I-see-it, dreams, goals
I think all lifetimes have their detours. It’s not too late by any means.
I don’t think its ever too late. The life you wish for yourself sounds lovely. I think that too many people get caught up on the exteriors of life when if that stuff isn’t feeding your soul-its useless.
I think it’s nuts that your ex was disappointed that you started a family rather than going for a typical college/career path — sounds like he just wanted money and lots of it and didn’t care much about family and legacy. I’m sorry you had to go through a divorce, but I think you are finally going to find yourself, which is better for the human race overall than being a clone — especially once you find your niche and contribute the way God wants you to in your very specific way with your specific gifts. I must admit I haven’t read enough of your blog to know whether or not you are a believer, but I think for anyone looking to move into their gift(s) the most expedient path is via a true relationship with their Maker.