I try to live my life in the open… mostly.

I try to be open to myself, open to the world, open to people.  I try not to hide who I am here.

But I still have been having a very difficult time getting to know other people in my real life.  In the past I have often felt very disconnected, cut off, unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. In short, I often felt LONELY.

Loneliness is not necessarily being ALONE

In the past I believed (wrongly) that my worth as a woman was determined by my ability to get a man. When I was with someone I gave up everything I was to try and be who that person wanted, whether that was “me” or not, and this often led me choosing men that were not compatible and with the men I was with treating me poorly (or maybe they wanted someone who would put up with their bullshit and they looked for the compliant, people-pleasing girls who would do ANYTHING for them??).   When I was not attached to a man I didn’t feel like I fit into the world – social life was very much a “couples” arena where the single people were gawked at as there was something “wrong” with them – and I would become desperate to find SOMEONE to like me.

I was pretty and lively and wonderful, but I believed boyfriends (and husband) who told me that I wasn’t – ugly, plain, boring, bitchy, frigid, slutty, fat, scrawny, flat-chested, stupid, moron, useless, unlovable… — because I based my worth on what the men in my life told me, and with how much I pleased them.  I was TERRIFIED of “ending up alone”.

I’m not going to go on about the hows and whys of getting into abusive relationships here – if you have been unlucky enough to find yourself involved in an abusive situation you know how hard it is to explain why you not only didn’t SEE it but why it was so freaking hard to get OUT of once you were in – but I do believe that the isolation that was caused by being involved in domestic/partner abuse helped solidify the pattern of jumping from one man to the next to the next in hopes that THIS relationship would magically be different, that it would be that perfect thing that fulfilled me.

Instead I went through one relationship after another that just left me HURT, confused, unloved, and profoundly LONELY. I put up with being called names, being told I was unlovable, useless, frigid, unloving, unkind, and that I wanted to be abused*.
*the ironic part was that while he was telling me that I WANTED to be abused, I was trying to get away from the “perfect” way he was treating me that I thought was abuse and HE thought was how a real loving, respectful relationship was supposed to be!

I would go from ONE abusive relationship that left me feeling lonely and unfulfilled to ANOTHER abusive, lonely, unfulfilling relationship… filling my life with the trying to make someone else love me enough to make me believe I was worthy.

And then something CHANGED

It’s hard to pin point WHAT exactly changed. I was with TheNoodle (R ), so it wasn’t like I was really a single woman who learned to be happy with her singlehood.  All I remember was a gradual sense of dissatisfaction with the way things were going with TheNoodle and trying to determine if this was really what I wanted in my life, if this was going to be “as good as it gets” was it gonna be better than being alone.

A radical change happened there, did you see it?  I was looking to see what I wanted out a relationship, and I actually balanced the idea of being ALONE against being stuck in yet another unfulfilling relationship!

I started to look at what I had in my life, my goals, my dreams… my potential. For the first time in my life I looked at how the relationship I found myself in with TheNoodle and placed it against the life I wanted to make for myself. And in EVERY aspect of my life I was better off WITHOUT TheNoodle — financially, socially, physically, sexually, spiritually, emotionally, with my family, with friends, with the kids, intellectually. He wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t violent… but he wasn’t worth the time and energy I put into him.

I started to realize that I was truly FREE to make my life my own, and to make it all I dreamed for myself and my children. I was no longer held back, I could make things HAPPEN if I wanted them to…

But not with TheNoodle holding me back.

I wanted to own a home.

I wanted to travel.

I wanted a good relationship with my kids.

I wanted to explore my spirituality.

I wanted to try new flavours, recipes, activities, experiences.

I wanted to be active

I want to LIVE my life. I want to EXPERIENCE. I want to PARTICIPATE in my life. I want to CONNECT, SHARE, and EXPERIMENT.

And when I stood back and really LOOKED at what I had gotten myself into with TheNoodle? Well… it was not gonna get me anywhere near the life I wanted.

And after thinking about it for MONTHS I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted a relationship with him:

He wasn’t good enough for ME, it had nothing to do with me not being good enough for HIM.

He wasn’t worth my time and attention, my care, or my money. I could no longer JUSTIFY the mental, physical, emotional or FINANCIAL burden that he (and his kids) had become on my life.

My attitude changed for the better

Instead of focusing every night on how lonely I was and how upset I was that TheNoodle wasn’t honouring my feelings and needs in the relationship, I was actively doing things that I enjoyed. Instead of worrying about talking to him I was happy about being left to think for myself. Instead of wanting to see him, I found myself unhappy when he and his kids asked to visit and take up my precious free time.

I let it go.

I let go the idea that to be happy and fulfilled i NEEDED a relationship with a man.

I let go the idea that I couldn’t do things for myself, with myself, and by myself and feel “right”.

I started to focus on becoming comfortable with me.

I made a commitment to MYSELF to change the things in my life that I wasn’t happy with, and make them MINE again.

I’m not always SURE… but I know a few things right now:

• I am taking a sabbatical from dating/relationships to work on finding my OWN light
• I am focusing on my relationships with myself, my kids and my Gods
• I need time ALONE to focus on my own private work
• Sometimes the best thing I can do is housework or solitary chores
• I know when I need to be with others, I know when I need to work on solitary things
• Its okay to be a “Heartless Bitch” and enforce healthy boundaries

Some days it just feels like I am not fully equip to live in normal society.  There are a LOT of days where I feel IMMENSE and IMMEASUREABLE (although, let’s admit it I still TRY to measure it, I measure everything) guilt over the decisions I made in the past few years – right OR wrong – and how horribly I have “broken” things.

Every SINGLE day I deal with a litany of complaints from ALL arenas about my children. Either theEx is complaining because of expenses associated with the children or having to deal with some issue with that the kids are having, or it’s GirlChild’s teacher complaining about how GirlChild BEHAVES. And a lot of the issues are placed squarely on ME.

Yes. My children have some issues.  But they are fucking CHILDREN, they are going through a fucking LOT of crap in their lives, and it is NOT 100% MY FAULT. And the sooner people realize that blaming things on their mother only makes things worse for EVERYONE the better off we will all be.

Because of the pressure of trying to make EVERYTHING the way EVERYONE else in the world wants it to be, I have started counseling. There is just SO much pressure to make the kids “perfect”…

You know what? I wonder what they mean by PERFECT.

My kids:

BoyChild is a sensitive sort that has been dealing with issues surrounding not feeling like he belongs anywhere. The first 4 years of school he attended 4 different elementary schools, so he’d make friends and then we’d move… and so more than ANYTHING he wants to be part of something, to fit IN with someone. He’s a child that wants to be loved and cared about and ACCEPTED. 

It’s been hard, for sure.

BoyChild has definitely been desperate to fit in. He wants to be accepted by everyone around him – adults and children alike – and the problem is that some of the people we find in our lives will just NEVER accept him. That’s a hard thing for a child. Hell, that’s a hard thing for a lot of ADULTS. And its VERY hard for me, as his mother, to watch him struggle to be liked and accepted and still fall short. There are just some situations and some people that you can’t gain acceptance from… hard truth.

GirlChild is an anxious child. She has a lot of trouble focusing and following direction, especially when she doesn’t feel secure with the adults in her environment. That’s partly what her counselor seems to think, and I can see it being close to the truth. She isn’t WILLFULLY ignoring the “rules”, she’s asking for attention without knowing what she needs. Unfortunately, breaking the rules gets her in trouble, and getting in trouble with the adults makes her feel LESS secure and MORE scattered and LESS sure of her abilities and MORE likely to break the rules because she needs to feel SECURE.

There isn’t much I can do.

Or is there?

My counselor put this belief to the test: 

Do I validate their feelings? Sure I support them, but I really LISTEN to how they are feeling and teach them that how they feel is ACCEPTABLE?

I don’t know that I do.

Yes, that’s a HUGE failing on my part. But I believe it is something that I can recover from.

In January I mentioned things that I wanted to change in my life, and one of them was changing my parenting style – not to something that fits what OTHER people want from my children,  but to the parenting style *I* always WANTED to follow (but was prevented by the situation in which I lived and survived up until this point).

So far, I have been making slow changes in this area… but obviously there is more I can be doing.

My children, by virtue of their lives, need more acceptance and care and less strict, harsh, discipline. They are still hurting from things. And trying to “make them LEARN” through recrimination, disapproval, and spanking doesn’t work. I know this.

I know that BOTH my kids flourish and behave better when they are praised for the good they do, rather than being told they are “bad” or being spanked. When they are praised they bloom, they want more, and they REACH for it. When they are told only how bad they are being, how much they do wrong they wilt, they give up and they quit caring about the rules and the consequences.

I know how they feel…

It’s the same feeling that I had in my marriage, where I felt nothing I did RIGHT ever mattered, so why should I try? I was gonna get in trouble, no matter what I did, nothing I did was going to be rewarded, I was stupid, ugly, useless, a bitch, cold, unlovable, dumb, unwanted…

I don’t want my kids getting THAT message.

I have been uncomfortable with the idea of spanking my children for a LONG time… and yet, for quite a while I bent to the wills of those around me, those people telling me that if I didn’t want my children to become “brats” (or other hideously nasty labels) I needed to spank them to get the message through to them.  I don’t believe this. I have never believed that spanking was necessary. And yet, I spanked, and (worse) I allowed other people to spank my children.

When I had my babies I wanted to be an attachment parent – I breast fed, on demand, until they self-weened; I co-slept with them (BoyChild until  he was  1, GirlChild until she was 6 months); I wore them; I was anti-ferber/cry-it-out; I made my own babyfood; I delayed bottle feeding (pumped milk) and introducing solids – but I was vetoed on some things (cloth diapering and homeschooling) that I wanted to do.  TheEx did not agree about the attachment parenting thing. He was more than willing to leave the kids with his parents for hours (or days),  he objected to the kids sleeping in bed with us because he felt he was disturbed more with the fussing and feeding routine when we were in bed with him, and he definitely did not want the “stink or expense” of cloth diapering. The idea of homeschooling was completely out of the question since I had to agree to work outside the home when I had GirlChild.

But I let the opinions of other people, even people who really had no real right to a solid opinion on my parenting or my children, influence me.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about raising kids, and they don’t hesitate to share that with you whether you want it or NOT.

No more.

I have decided that I am going to try to focus on my OWN parenting, and not listen to what I need to do to be a “good” parent or what the kids need to be like to be “good” kids.  I am listening to my heart.

Yes, my kids have issues. Yes, they don’t always listen, they don’t always pay attention, they don’t always OBEY… but they are small people who deserve to be encouraged, not discouraged.

I am committing myself to finding the way that is right for US to be a family, to be HAPPY.

I’m gonna try not to stress that people don’t like my kids. I’m gonna find people who DO like them, and surround myself with family-positive people who will encourage me to parent positively and accept my children for who they are NOW instead of withholding love until they meet some artificial ideal.

The ideas of my ex – punishment, control, obedience – are being left behind…

This is the story of how I am feeling right now…

I am overwhelmed right now.

 I feel like I can’t possibly get it all done, I don’t have the tools (as in power tools and implements) to get things fixed and take things apart and just making sure things are the way they need to be for me to get them OUT of the house.  I need to take apart both beds that the kids are in now – which were put together with electric drills. I need to take apart the futon I sleep on to get it out of my room. I need to take apart the desk in my room. I need to touch up paint. I need to replace a doorframe. I need to take down blinds/shades. I need to disassemble things to be returned.

I feel like I can’t get it all done, I just don’t have the time. With only 24 hours in a day, and 8 of them sleeping, and about 10 of them at work, and 2 or 3 taken up with after work activities and obligations, I often feel like I am about 10 steps behind. I feel panicky.

I feel like I don’t know what to do. I need to pack. I need to clean. I need to go through cupboards and shelves and closets (again) and pack what I want to take and toss/donate what I don’t have a use for anymore.  I need to organize. I need to plan. I need to get boxes. I need to get containers.

I need to arrange assistance. I need to make sure that the people who have said they will help WILL help, and won’t back out at the last minute, leaving me in a lurch. I need to have a backup in case they DO leave me in a lurch. I simply CANNOT move heavy things myself…

I need to shovel the walk, I need to clean out the parking area. I need to make sure they stay clear (and not covered in dog shit) so that it is as easy as possible for anyone who might be persuaded to help me to move to HELP me move.

I need to arrange someone to move my satellite dish. I need to arrange someone to install internet. I need to let the utilities know I am moving.

I need to clean things. I need to get all the food out of the fridge and freezer and clean the whole thing. I need to wash the floors and the cupboards and behind the stove. I need to sweep and mop and scrub… and I need to get it done BEFORE my landlords come in to inspect.

I need to survive until this can be done… I need a way to move things in such a way that I can still clean…

I need to provide pictures to my landlords BY MONDAY so they can get new tenants.

I need to find a way to feed my family while I am in the process of moving, balancing out the amount of dishes we make and therefore the mess in the kitchen, but also being aware that eating out will blow the budget that is BARELY balanced now.  I can’t keep making food and cleaning over and over while trying to get everything done at home and outside the home.

I need to wash everything. I need to arrange for help. I need help. I so TOTALLY need help.  And I have been told that there is no point in asking my family, because my mother booked her vacation in Arizona before I move and therefore needs to work all that week AND has to babysit my brother’s cat.

I need to pick colours for the rooms. I need to pick which rooms are the highest priority in case I need to change my move plans to get the big things moved out and so I can clean the current place before I have to be out. I need to remember that while it might be easier to get things done in the new place before there is furniture in the rooms, it is also absolutely ESSENTIAL that I get the stuff moved to the new place, and if that means having to not do as much in the new place as I wanted, so be it. I can’t afford to pay another month’s rent to get it all done…

I need to get things done. I need to stop being afraid. I need to know that it will be okay. I need to know that I am supported and that it isn’t impossible. I need boxes. I need movers… I need safety.

I need to sleep without fear for one night. Just one.

I am starting to panic

No, seriously, I’m not sure if I can “get ‘er done” and get everything moved.  It feels like there is SO much to do and I don’t know if I can get it all completed in time.

This is the first time I will be moving on my own with minimal help.

The first time without a “partner” to assist in packing and cleaning and arranging things (although I did all the logistics)

The first time without family assistance

The first time I need to deal with 2 homes at once – moving stuff out , doing repairs, and cleaning the old place while painting and setting up a new place.

The first time I will OWN a place on my own

And I haven’t even started packing

You heard me, I haven’t started packing yet.

I intended to do a bunch of it this past weekend… but things didn’t work out that way. Friday found me exhausted from being kept awake late by the neighbors and then woken up AGAIN by same neighbors at 4am when they decided to turn their music UP… I was a walking zombie Friday at work.

Added to that, the stress seemed to finally catch up with me and I ended up with the beginning of a UTI. I plain didn’t feel like trying to find boxes and drag everything out and pack it up.

And then I had to run out to the Scout camp on Saturday night to go to campfire for my BoyChild because his father had only agreed to let BoyChild GO if he didn’t have to do anything other than drop him off and pick him up (and BoyChild wanted to go and for some reason hoped his father would care enough to come and participate with all the other parents at the campfire event… he doesn’t know his father very well, does he?). So in order to not make BoyChild feel like no one cared about him, I trucked my sorry (and SORE) ass out in the snow to the middle of nowhere to be there for my kid.

That’s how I roll, yo!

And Sunday… well… I wanted to REST because I hadn’t slept well and I hadn’t felt well…. I just wanted downtime.

I should have booked myself off from all other obligations and found boxes and packed. But I didn’t.

So I have to find a way to find boxes between my full time job, evening activities and obligations, housework, and parenting this week. Which I am thinking won’t be easy to do because this week I have something each evening – Scouts, Dance,  counseling appointment, support group, kids – so unless boxes fall from the sky or I purchase banker boxes I will have to wait until the weekend to start packing…

And that’s not ALL I have to do, I still have to:

• Change my address for all my accounts and things
• Get my satellite service moved
• Get internet hooked up in my house
• Choose paint colours
• Figure out when people can bring deliveries
• Disassemble things which can’t fit out the doors of the old place
• Fix doors and paint issues in the old place

And OMG taxes need to be done… and things need to be dealt with.

I don’t feel qualified to do this stuff on my own. I don’t feel like I should be solitary, but I am. I feel like I need family,  I need care and love and being part of a group that will actually work with me. Sometimes, in the dead of night, I realize that I am truly alone in a world that is dark and scary. Where I thought I would have someone to have and to hold, I have cats who only want to be fed or to trip me in the dark.

I am glad to be single right now, don’t get me wrong. The alternatives would be theEx (abusive and distant), the Stalker (hoarder and clingy, also live the cycle of abuse), or Reg (totally tuned out of life), and I am happier without any of them. I am happier without being told what to do or think or say or be or eat or feel. I am happier doing my crafty things and being active (when its not too cold out) than sitting around gaining weight and watching tv. I am happier spending my time and energy on my children, rather than on being the perfect little wifey . I am happy with my mild clutter and clean spaces rather than facing the potential of dealing with a hoarder on a daily basis.

I look forward to having a home of my own and having MY tastes and style front and center. I want to explore who I am and what I am, and have that show in my space.

But sometimes, late at night, I wish I had someone to hug. I wish I had someone to help haul crap with me.  I wish that there was someone out there who could accept me for me…

I wish it didn’t feel “too late” for a 35 year old mother of 2… sometimes its just 2am inside my mind.

In the light of day I know it will all be okay. Not because I am stronger than I think (I am) or because there will be something magical that happens to pull it off at the last minute (there might be)… but because it has to be.

I just can’t seem to slow down time to give me more space …

Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a bit scared to admit to myself that  I wanted OUT of my relationship. I am a 35 year old single mother! I work full time hours! I volunteer ! I take classes! I write! I am a great person!! Why was I so afraid to start over and try to find someone worth my time, energy, and my warm generous nature?

Last week I was GLAD that R “manned up” and told me he didn’t want to see me anymore (not in so many words, mind you it was more like “we’ve been drifting and… you know where this is going”) after me asking him, after me asking him for 6 months just to be honest with me about whether he was still interested or not. For the record, I knew that he lost interest in me almost the day he first said “I love you” to me… his actions spoke of neglect and fear from that point on, making me feel confused and insecure.  But he would never tell me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship anymore.

A week ago I found relief in the fact that R finally admitted that to him this had been “casual”… and that the feelings that I had been denying for so long had been RIGHT if I had only listened to them a year ago!

Still the hard won out that night, the feeling of relief was washed away by the sting of FINALLY knowing the truth of the situation. I felt lied to. I felt deceived. I felt… USED. I felt like once more I had allowed a man to walk all over me for acceptance and companionship. And to realize that, in reality, I had not gotten even the most basic companionship with R, he had only stayed with me for what he thought he could get out of me:

• he gave things only grudgingly out of obligation
• In a year we went on maybe 4 dates, tops.  
• I was a hotel and daycare centre for him.
• He rarely contributed.
• He rarely showed any thought about my feelings.
• He freely took from me and never gave in return

Why did I stay with someone who used me as a hotel and daycare service? Who only called when he wanted me to do something for him? Who never complimented me? Who ignored me constantly? Who never once did something nice for me, just to let me know they cared??? What the HELL was I thinking?

I excused his thoughtless behavior over and over – he was stressed about his ex-wife wanting custody of HER children back; he was stressed because he didn’t have as much money as he wanted to have; he was stressed because he wasn’t getting child support; he was stressed because he was going through a hard divorce; he was stressed because his daughters are horribly behaved – and I took his word that he never meant to be thoughtless it just never occurred to him to that he was not doing right by me.

Until the night he told me that, this whole fucking year of my life HE considered our relationship “just casual”…

 I didn’t MISS him, because there hadn’t been anything to miss!

There was remarkably LITTLE change in my life. There were no mementos to throw away. There was no jewelry or trinkets to remind me that R had shared this period of my life and very few pictures of us together. And I knew that he had even LESS to remember me by! I felt that he had missed out on a great person, but that neither of us was in the ideal situation to create a relationship on our own.

He had given all indications that he wanted to be left alone… and now he would be.

I had heard it from his friends, I had witnessed it in the way he acted to his friends, his children and to me. I just refused to acknowledge it.  Didn’t matter who the person was, he didn’t want to deal with anyone other than himself. He preferred to spend huge swaths of time tuned out watch tv or sleep while his kids were gods-only-knew where doing gods-only-knew what, and he was perfectly happy to do that no matter what anyone else thought about it.

 That night that all the turmoil, all the fight, all the RESPECT I had for this man whom I thought was “doing the best he could given the stress he was under”  just washed away and I saw just how little RESPECT he had granted to ME.

 And I sat in the dark, and I thought about these things. I thought about how I had seen the relationship and how I had tried to be there for not only R but his children. I thought about all the times I reached out to help him, but he didn’t return the favour. I thought about how often I asked for just the bare minimum, but that was too much. And I thought about all that I had given up (financially, physically, emotionally) to build a relationship with someone who saw me pretty much as a “place to stay and girl to fuck” and nothing more.

The realizations POURED out of me, the bitterness I had held back within myself for so long;  I was ANGRY about how I was treated!!!  And GODDAMMIT, I DESERVED TO FEEL ANGRY!! For once, not really caring about how other people would label my feelings, I felt ANGRY at R, I felt USED, I was BITTER, I believed I DESERVED BETTER!!

All the feelings that “good girls” don’t admit to coursed through me and out, cleansing me of this relationship.

Within 24 hours I realized how LUCKY I was. I took his numbers off my phone. I deleted him from my MSN. I took “I’m in a relationship” off FaceBook. And I still wasn’t sad.

 By Friday I was feeling like a NEW PERSON.

I dropped my kids off with theEx for his two weeks and I went out and bought myself a bottle of white wine. I came home and I cooked myself a meal that I wanted to try, with new ingredients and a bunch of new flavours. I poured myself a nice glass of cold white wine, put in a movie *I* wanted to watch, and ate my supper.  I made myself a cup of tea, ran a bath, and read a book. I wore my favourite pj’s, I watched another movie, wrote in my journal and chatted with a few friends. I went to bed when I wanted to, feeling SO happy with my life! I got up and had a shower and PUT ON MAKEUP!! I went out and purchased things for my new home. I went out for lunch and socializing with a writing group. I did my needlework. I took care of myself.

 I DID MY OWN THING

 For the first time in a year I wasn’t thinking about R or if he would call or when I would see him again, I knew he was out of my life! I didn’t care if he would disapprove of me drinking, because he no longer had the privilege of having an opinion in my life. I acknowledged my bitterness and anger about the way he handled my heart, but vowed only to be more aware and cautious “next time” I put myself out there.

 I spent time being HAPPY with myself, indulging MYSELF with the things that made my happy:

• My favourite movies
• Writing
• Reading
• Needlework
• Having a bath
• A cup of tea/ a glass of wine
• A tarot reading