… I wondered what was up and thought about emailing, but then decided against it.

… I watched the sky cloud up and worried the rain would come again

…I watched the sun break through and hoped things would be okay again

…I emailed my lawyer’s boss, wondering if my lawyer had quit working for them or why he never so much as responded “got the info” the three times I sent it to him

…I wandered through my office and watched the remodel, not being able to consistently work at my station

…I loved the idea of running off somewhere for a vacation this summer

… I listened to the quiet hum of the water cooler/heater in the office after everyone left.

…I thought of writing, started, deleted, and started again

…I allowed myself a brief moment of hope for my future – for a family and partner (even with discipline issues) for love, and for companionship – without fear that I wasn’t good enough for that.

…I thought of packing up the painful stuff and sending it off.

…I wondered why she didn’t tell me they wanted to go on vacation or that she didn’t think she wanted to take care of my kids anymore, leaving me in a lurch with no warning scrambling for a summer schedule.

…I wondered if I would visit with her this summer before she went away again.

…I dreamed of space.

…I picked out the colour for a room of my own.

…I dared to hope that things were changing.

…I got angry at yet another delay.

…I realized now wasn’t the time, that the time might never really come.

…I set in motion a dream.

… I realized that my words are my power…

and then I fell down a flight of stairs… banged my butt and hip and shoulder down EVERY step…

Tomorrow is gonna hurt

I have been thinking a lot, lately, of my personal power and how little of it I OWN.

You see… I wasn’t raised to believe that girls had any real power. Girls were supposed to be delicate, fragile, powerless creatures. We were things protected by the fierceness of our fathers, our brothers, our boyfriends, our husbands… without all these wonderful POWERFUL males to encompass our soft fragility we would be nothing.

What a load of BULLSHIT.

Yet, for YEARS I didn’t question this notion of male power. It was taken for granted, in my upbringing, that I would follow the Path that my family wanted for me – I would dutifully get my high school education, go to university and get a suitable degree in a nice cushy area of generalized “Arts and Sciences”, find a suitable man from a good, upstanding family, marry, have children and go on to continue the lines.  In my early years my grandmothers taught me the “womanly arts” – knitting, sewing, baking, cooking, gardening, cleaning, needlework – and the ways of female society. I hated it.

I was dragged to church to learn obedience and faith. I was dragged to learn to fear the male POWER that the Christian God represented and to learn (apparently) that this same power resided in not only the ministers of God, but all males — and that someday, if I was “good enough” I would be lorded over by a husband who would have ultimate say over me.

GAG ME.

Early on in my career as a woman (pretty much right after menarche) I rejected Christianity and the ideal of a Patriarchal God-Being that preferred men to women.  I out rightly denied the tenets of Christianity in my first attempt to “find myself” in my teens… and ultimately became a Wiccan.

You’d think that having rejected the God-Man-Power Triumph-ariate (yes, I made that word up) I would have awoken to my own powerful nature. But while I rejected the Male-God-Power-Over bullshit in favour of a more balanced Male-Female-Power-Sharing spiritual ideal I never quite made the mental leap to intimate relationships being equal partnerships…

In SPIRITUALITY I was willing to raise and celebrate my own power, yet I continued to life my mundane life as if my gender identity meant I needed to be cared for and protected and lorded over by the Godhead of a male figure. I continued in my social life, to believe that I needed to have a boyfriend and eventually a husband, to fulfill the female destiny and to take my place in society.

UTTER. FUCKING. BULL. SHIT.

What can I say, hindsight IS 20/20,what I can see standing on the fallout of 36 years of life shows me that I had the power all along, I was just afraid to use it. And what was more, that someone, somewhere KNEW that girls had power, and tried to teach the impressionable ones (like myself) that wanted to please, that in order to  have a place in the world they needed a MAN to hold them up.

So, here I sit… resting on the baggage of 36 years of experience on this earth, and what do I see clearly:

• Everyone, from my grandmothers to the school system to the formalized religious institutions, was AFRAID of the power that I held. Instead of teaching our girls to embrace their powerful natures as much as our boys, our culture seems to have tried to deny us the power.  Men hold power, women cower. Despite how far we have supposedly come, there are still people teaching their daughters to FEAR being FIERCE, SELF EMPOWERED PEOPLE, and I was one of those daughters!
• The abuse I suffered from theEx came about because, right from the beginning of the relationship, I handed him not only the right to use HIS power but MY power as well. I would never have accepted the “I am your husband, I have the RIGHT to make the final decisions” bullshit if I hadn’t BELIEVED he had in some ineffable, inalienable RIGHT given to him by virtue of his owning a fucking PENIS! This belief in this could be explained by virtue of upbringing and culture, but more than that I need to OWN the fact that I never once scrutinized these things or challenged the way they were.
• The best way for ME to change the world, is for me to change MY world. That means CHALLENGING the things I take for granted and NOT letting the world wash over me as “the way it is”.
• I can start now, challenge the way things are and find the way they work best FOR ME without it bringing down the whole of the fabric of society.
• And for THAT matter, the idea that we have to follow certain customs or norms in order to maintain this fabric of society? That’s another load of bullshit.

So… also looking back, things I wish that I had known these truths:

• Have a man if you want, but don’t be afraid to leave him.
• You have the right to change your mind, even in love.
• Divorce is not failure.
• No one has the right to abuse you physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, financially or sexually.
• Protect your body from harm but if someone does you harm SPEAK UP and don’t be ashamed for THEIR actions.
• You don’t need to get married; you can choose to get married.
• Love is not something to be hoarded or something that only one group of people is allowed to celebrate.
• Babies are a blessing, not a curse. Don’t marry for the sake of children.
• Never quit learning, and don’t ever let anyone tell you learning something is a waste.

Now is the time for me to Challenge the status quo and come into my power…

I hope it’s not too late for me….

Jamie Riddler asks us this week: What do you wish to NOURISH?

There are 3 things that I wish to nourish right now:

1. 1. Sovereignty – the quality of not caring what other people think of your YOUNESS. With my struggles of coming into my own, I want to nourish and nurture the blossoms of my sovereignty. I have had to make a few visceral decisions lately that are going to be hard for me to stand up for. They are right for me, in the way that leaving the abuse was right for me, and I need to own these decisions. I have a feeling that some people might not be necessarily happy with my decisions, but I know these decisions are right for MY life and MY path… even if no one understands or supports me.  I know what is right for me, and I am not going to accept criticism because my life doesn’t fit into someone else’s plan for me…
2. 2. My Voice – this goes along with the Sovereignty thing in a way. My voice is the way I express myself, and how I write. For the past year I have been pretty inundated with reading the kind of blogs that have one unifying thought – passion based entrepreneurship. I have been trying to focus myself and discover myself and find my passion and what my DESTINY is… blah blah blah blah…  What I really want, RIGHT NOW, is to find my voice again and not worry so much about how everyone else did that and made enough to not work 9-5 (hell, I work 8-5!! 9-5 would be SWEEET)… I want to nurture the emerging VOICE in my writing, and leave behind the WORRY of trying to pay my bills with my writing. I’m not there yet… and that’s okay. It’s EVEN okay if I never get THERE…
3. Friendships – Not unusually I am finding myself greatly lacking in friendships right now. I would like to cultivate more friendships, both online and off. I want to find people who are interested in friendship and which have common interests with me…

So that’s my wish for the week

Years ago, when I would have identified myself first and foremost as a Wiccan*, I came across something called the Celtic Tree Sign… sort of a Celtic Pagan Astrology thing. I don’t know if it was real, or yet another thing created by those displaced European Pagans who desperately wanted to connect with something, and so looked back to their supposed Celtic roots. But there it was, another “what is your sign, what does your tree say about you” and I remember that every iteration of this “tree sign” thing I came up with the same, damned tree…

The WILLOW

My concept of a willow was that of the obsequious “weeping willow” a droopy sad looking tree that fairly oozes the idea of self pity and “oh, woe is me”. I associate it with a WEAK, mopey, quality of self-reflection that gets one stuck in the “what’s wrong with me” thinking.  It was of a tree that was whipped about in the wind, never standing solid against the storms being thrown at me…

This is what the Celtic Tree Sign says about Willow:

“If you are a Willow sign, you are ruled by the moon, and so your personality holds hands with many of the mystical aspects of the lunar realm. This means you are highly creative, intuitive (highly psychic people are born under the sign of the Willow) and intelligent. You have a keen understanding of cycles, and you inherently know that every situation has a season. This gives you a realistic perspective of things, and also causes you to be more patient than most tree signs. With your intelligence comes a natural ability to retain knowledge and you often impress your company with the ability to expound on subjects from memory. Willow Celtic tree astrology signs are bursting with potential, but have a tendency to hold themselves back for fear of appearing flamboyant or overindulgent. It is your powers of perception that ultimately allow your true nature to shine, and what leads you to success in life.”

Maybe I’m wrong about the willow.

Have you ever seen a willow, truly SEEN one? A willow bends in the storm, the flexibility that allows it to adapt but not break. It sits on the edge of the marshy wetlands (the emotional aspect?) and thrives without drowning. Even the WEEPING willow, the sorrowful member of this tribe, can both reach for the sky and touch the ground!
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Recently I have been thinking of who I am… and what I am… I started this blog for the purpose of finding my voice and finding myself and finding my true strength.

For years I got caught up with what other people thought of me – I was caught in the reflective pool, gazing at myself and wondering why I wasn’t happy and how I could become what other people wanted me to be – and I never once even CONSIDERED doing something counter to that.

I graduated high school and immediately went to university. Was I ready? NO. But I went because it was what was expected of me. What did I WANT to do? I wanted to travel somewhere, but I felt that I wasn’t permitted by my upbringing (until I was 32 I never went ANYWHERE outside my city BY MYSELF) and so I did what I thought I should do.

I dated men that I knew were acceptable to my family – they had good earning potential and good family – and never considered anything other than the headlong trip into marriage. Was I ready? NO. Did I love the man I married? NO, but I was too afraid to say “no” to a proposal because that was what I was groomed to do, get married and have children. While I wanted children, I didn’t necessarily want the man I married.

Even leaving the abuse was hard because of the expectations surrounding the image of who I was… I was a wife, I was a mother, and to those outside my home, I had a good husband and a “good deal”. I was miserable. I felt that I had grown up too soon after university, been pushed to get a job when my kids were too young (therefore not getting to be the kind of mother I wanted to be) and leaving an abusive husband necessitated that I work more to provide for the kids and pay the lawyer to get divorced.

I should have been free to be who I wanted to be once I was free of the Ex’s bullshit, but I wasn’t. I lived with my parents, so I was careful to be what they felt was “good enough”. I lived under threat from theEx of him taking my children or cutting child support, so I played the role of “good girl”. I dated the person he accused me of leaving him for, because I might as well do the crime since I already paid for it!

Not once have I considered, first and formost, about what *I* wanted in my life.

Until recently, that is. I always worried more about what others would THINK if I did this or that or the other thing. Not how I would feel about myself, but what OTHER people would think or say, or god forbid, DO to me if I did what I wanted, said what I needed, or admitted to what I really wanted to do in my life…

That is absolute BULLSHIT.

I am a 36 year old woman. I have a job that pays my bills. I have a car that is paid off. I have very little debt. I have enough to make my bills. I have retirement savings. I know my limits. I know my rights now, and I know what the Ex can and cannot do to me if he disapproves of my life style.

I am an adult. I do NOT need anyone’s permission for the choices I make in my life. I do not have to cower (anymore) for not loving my husband, for fighting against him to have my daughter, for choosing to leave my marriage, for the mistakes I have made in the process of my divorce.

I do NOT need permission from anyone to live my life the way I want it. Not to save or spend, travel or stay, love or leave, hold or release… My life is for me and my kids and whomever I choose to share it with – not my ex husband, not my ex-stalker, not friends, not employer or coworkers, not my parents, not my extended family – and if people choose not to agree with the things I do, then that’s okay.

Maybe I am learning from Willow… before I saw willow’s ability to bend as a weakness… now I see that being able to adapt and change, to stay grounded and rooted while the storm has whipped about me, is a strength. I see the ability to live with emotions and not be overwhelmed, to reflect on the patterns and cycles in life as a BENEFIT and a BLESSING…

I know, now, that I can grow towards the sky while still staying in touch with the grounding emotions and intuition that allow me to grow to my full potential. More than being rooted to my past, I am able to draw on my awareness of the emotional side of things to soften my approach and allow me to bend and whip about without breaking.  I’m learning that what I thought was a weakness (my ability to feel and share my feelings with others) is really able to be a strength as I ground myself through my awareness of not only my foundation but my emotions.

Have you ever found your perceived weakness was really your truest strength?

* I no longer primarily identify myself as Wiccan. This is a new thing that I’m starting to explore, I still identify as Pagan, but no longer want to focus on being Wiccan.

It’s that time again, time to wishcast… come, join us at Jamie Ridler’s site

What do you wish for your space?

Since I have just moved into my own home, and I have been trying to get things all set up. I have never really had a place that was MINE. I lived with my parents, I rented, and I lived with theEx, and I rented. This is the first place that I have lived that I do NOT need to ask permission to change things around.  And yet, I hesitate to make many changes… the only rooms that were modified were the kids’ rooms, and even putting my needlework on the wall was a big step.

The SPACE I wish to change right now is my bedroom.

Unlike my kids’ rooms, my room has remained virtually untouched. The walls are still builder beige, and there is very little in the room – my bed (futon), a small used dresser with altar on top, a plastic Rubbermaid storage tub (functioning as a nightstand), a dog carrier that I have to return… and basket  chair (functioning as cat sleeping quarters and hair repository).  There are a few things in the closet, a few things under the bed. A few things on the floor…  But for the most part it is dull and Spartan and very uninspiring.

Because  it is such a monumental undertaking, I can’t conceive of changing everything at once… in steps I would like to see:

COLOUR. I want to replace the builder beige/grey colour with a bright deep green colour. I want to accessorize with colour on my sheets.

BLINDS. Right now I have homemade blue curtains on my window. While I love the colour and pattern of the fabric, there isn’t enough light blocking to keep the place cool in the summer or dark enough to sleep until a decent hour (like, past 5am). I would like to put in something a bit more functional.

BOOK SHELVES. I read. I read a lot. I have some books in my living room, and a bunch still packed away in my basement. But I would like to have a space in my room where I could pull a book from the shelf and read in comfort. I would actually like to have books and knick knacks neatly displayed in my room – craft books, reading books, self-help/creativity books, and journals. I am not sure if I want them bracketed to the wall or a shelving unit put up.

CREATIVE SPACE. One of the big things I would like to have is a place that I can take out and do my creative endeavors – I have been attempting to do art journaling recently, but I also enjoy: journaling, writing, knitting, cross stitch, sewing and scrapbooking. Just to have a desk where I could have my laptop and a printer stored inside – so I can write, blog and print off pictures – but which I can sit down to write journal entries, collage, scrapbook, or create art, if I want to. Something that is a desk/table, but also incorporates computer storage and craft supply storage as well. A place to sit and do things without worrying that someone will come along and judge.

SPIRITUAL SPACE. While having an altar on the 1’ x 1.5’ space on top of the dresser is okay, I would like to have a better space, perhaps out of leap-line for the feline-canadians residing in my home, to remind me of my spirit.

MUSIC. I moved my music player to the kitchen, because I like to listen to music while I cook or clean or be all domesticated… but right now I only have the ONE and I don’t like carting it up and down the stairs… so I want  a music player to go in my room (preferably an iPod dock).

FURNITURE. If I wasn’t on a strict budget of “don’t buy anything which isn’t strictly ESSENTIAL” for a while,  I would actually have FURNITURE in my bedroom. While my futon, dresser, packing tub, and chair are functional they do not engender a feeling of comfort and care.  One of my goals is to get enough out of debt and enough saved up to get a REAL freaking bed, so that the futon can be returned to its life as  a couch and guest bed. I would like to have a dresser with a mirror to do my makeup in (when I have occasion to wear it) and matching set of nightstands with lamps to read by and a real alarm clock.  I would have a Queen sized bed with a nice mattress set and sturdy wooden frame (likely sleigh bed type) and matching dresser/armoire  and 2 nightstands. I would have lamps on both night stands, and house the iPod dock/ alarm clock music player on the stand closest to the door.  I want my bed to be a space where I can read, write, sleep, cuddle, and meditate.

I want to make space that reflects ME. I wish for a space that encompasses what I am and what I like and encourages me to grow. I wish for a space that lets me let down my guard. I want a space that is MINE for once in my life… where I can create or dance or sing or meditate in peace without disturbing  anyone else. I want a space that reflects the who I was, the who I am, and the who I will become…