Frozen Nowhere

Yesterday I received a comment* from Sarah Lulu in which she stated:

I don’t think you are frozen nowhere anymore …maybe you could conjur up a new title that reflects your movement instead.

I have been feeling this sort of disconnect from the blog name for a bit, but I wasn’t sure what to do with it, since I have been writing here under this name for going on 3 years now.

When I started the blog it was just another place to write. I had previously spent 10 years writing on the Open Diary, but since the privacy of that space had been violated by my then husband, my words twisted and turned and used to cause me injury……

So, since it seems that email is down (which means my missives from HQ are on hold) and it is lunchtime here in the work-a-day world, I decided to put some think-y-ness into this weeks’ Wishcast Wednesday in which Jamie Ridler asks:

What do you wish to fly free from?

I wish to fly free from SO many things lately:

• I wish to fly free from the need to work outside the home.
• I wish to fly free from the overarching financial anxiety that comes from being alone
• I wish to fly free from the feeling of loneliness
• I wish to fly free from the unreasonable expectations that people place on me – the simple fact is that

…

This couldn’t have come at a better time for me, since I have been thinking that a lot of my issues with connection have stemmed from an essential lack of confidence.

I wasn’t always this meek.

At least I don’t think I was.

I remember being told I was such a “fierce” girl, that I was going to do well in life… that I knew what I wanted and wasn’t going to let anyone else tell me that I couldn’t do that.

Who is that girl? Where did she go?

I wish for confidence in my SELF. I wish to know who I am, what I am meant to do. I wish for confidence in joining with other people. I…

It can be hard to see the energetic THINGS that we have in our lives.

We acquire more THINGS – both physical and energetic – when we are in a deficit space. The need to “fill” ourselves or to “fill” some need that we have causes us to seek out more. Some of the things we acquire fill the needs, and therefore enrich our lives.

But some of the THINGS are just an expression of the process of feeling a lack in our lives.

I know that I went through a process of gathering when I went through the process of divorce. I mostly gathered notebooks and pens and creative supplies. I tried to find an outlet for something that…

I am admitting to myself that trying to actively get rid of one thing from my house everyday has been kicking my ass.

It’s not that I am still not committed to it. It’s that it’s harder to get things done than I expected with the full time job and the full time kids, activities, and housework.

Consequently, things are sitting in my house waiting for a weekend that is slow enough for me to drag it all out to the Salvation Army. This weekend doesn’t look like it will be “the one”…

Part of my wanting to get rid of things in my home are about making more space – both physical and energetic – for the things in…