It seems this week is all about taking a break from things that no longer enrich you, or which you actively DISLIKE doing. For this week’s wishcasting Wednesday, Jamie Ridler asked “What do you wish to take a break from?” and  for  Zen Thursday, Goddess (and hopefully now MAMA GODDESS!!!) Leonie asked the Zen Goddesses to make a list of 5 things that we don’t like doing and stop doing one of them. Because these are so similar I decided that I will deal with them together.

What do I wish to take a break from?

I want a break from feeling guilty about how my ex is “surviving” with the burden of child support – and because I now know how much he actually made (and let me tell you, the number is approximately FOUR TIMES what I made) last year, I really can’t see myself feeling sorry for him. Yes, I am asking for ADDITIONAL child support for the year… but I’m ONLY asking for what the court and HE agreed to – the TABLE amount of support  OFFSET based on our ACTUAL incomes. I’m asking for a ONE TIME ADJUSTMENT because he earned 50% more income than he estimated. I’m enforcing the agreement that we entered into, which was that we would review and revise the payments based on the actual income rather than the estimated income.

I can no longer feel guilty for his poor spending and debt habits. I can no longer allow him to make excuses why he shouldn’t have to live up to his end of our contract, and be taken to task for every little thing by him. We DIVIDED the “marital” debts that he racked up after I left him when I didn’t have access to the accounts AND I had written agreement that they were 100% his. I was STILL required to take and absorb his spending there – EQUALLY, but with THREE TIMES LESS INCOME! I have pulled myself out of the hole my marriage to him and this divorce process had put me in. I have recovered, and I make a LOT less than he does. I can’t continue to “subsidize” him by forgiving his debts for him forever – we agreed with our lawyers and entered into a contract and I will NOT feel guilty for enforcing my RIGHTS for my children.

I am taking a break from feeling RESPONSIBLE for the issues of my EX!

I am also wishing to take a break from the “dating” thing.  I went from theEx to the Stalker to online dating.  These were all experiences I had to go through to get where I am now, to understand what it is that I am and what I need in my life. And I know this for sure: I do not want to jump back into the dating scene right now…

It’s not that I don’t want to eventually have another relationship, or that I don’t want to ever marry again. But I realized that I need to really look at what it is that I want out of this – is it to go out and have fun? Meet new people? Find a mate? Just have sex? – and outline my dating rules for MYSELF. After dating the Noodle, giving up other opportunities to focus on someone who basically stomped all over what he said he wanted, what I stated I wanted, and decided it was all just casual (ie, a sexual  relationship) I know I could do better, and that I want BETTER. I

I am taking a break from MINDLESSLY DATING…

And 5 Things that I do that I don’t LIKE doing!

1. Eating/feeding my kids fast food. I admit, I have been falling back on fast food services the nights that we are running on empty. Monday nights are the worst because I have 15 minutes after I pick up the kids to feed them and get to our Monday night activity meetings, and finding a way to feed them before the meeting has been a struggle.
2. Scouts Canada leadership duties. I admit that I did volunteer to be a leader for my daughter’s Beaver Colony. I also admit that I wasn’t aware of just how much the group (which is a new area) would expect from me beyond my leadership duties. It has devolved from an enjoyable way to spend time with my children, to an anxiety producing obligation. Every week the area commissioner, ScouterP, corners me to let me know that she thinks I need to be more involved, do more, volunteer more, and train more. The thing is that I have OTHER activities and interests beyond Scouts Canada, and unlike the other leaders, I am a single parent trying to work full time and juggle her OWN interests, her children’s activities/interests, a house, a spiritual practice, and the needs of a family WITHOUT a partner to pick up the slack when I am expected to drop everything and attend just one more meeting!!! I understand that ScouterP was able to “do it all” but I’m not freaking SuperWoman here… and I don’t wanna be.
3. Obsessive cleaning. I hate the feeling that any time I have some down time I have to be cleaning my house, keeping things looking “presentable”. My home is clean ENOUGH. I maintain the cleanliness on a weekly basis – the dishes are done and the kitchen is cleaned up on an ongoing basis, laundry is done weekly, the trash is set out (although I am still catching up on the recycling as I unpack boxes)… the bathroom is cleaned weekly. The idea that I have to continuously be washing and wiping and tidying up after everyone else? ARGH!
4. Listening to what “EVERYONE” says. I have always been the “GOOD GIRL”, and that usually means that I do what is expected for GOOD girls to do. I was studious in school. I dated nice boys. I went to university and graduated. I found a suitable boy. I got married. I had children. Even in my divorce I have been a “good” girl, not asking too much, not being too bitchy, not rubbing his face in his failures while he does just that to me. But sometimes I think that I missed out on learning who I was by never rebelling against the norms. I have liked the way certain things look (piercings, tattoos) but I have been afraid to modify myself because I worry if I will be accepted. I have hidden my spirituality and scrubbed it from my home so as not to offend. When the Noodle didn’t approve of drinking socially, I stopped even sipping wine at meals!!
5. Yelling at my kids. I don’t like it, and I am trying very hard to unlearn these behaviours and find new ways that work within me. I don’t pretend, like so many people, that I have all the answers… but as the Mama I have the answers for ME and MY family. Changing the way I look at discipline and parenting, and getting OTHER people to respect my wishes, has been a struggle. I’m still working on it.

I am actually working on changing all of these things. Immediately, though, I am working on saying “NO” more to the requests of ScouterP and NOT feeling guilty for doing so. After all, when I agree to yet ANOTHER night taken for meetings and training and planning and volunteer activities they are asking me to give up things that are much more valuable to me: Time with my kids, nutritious meals, reading, helping with homework, activities that enrich MY life. I do not have infinite capacity in my life – when I say YES to yet another day long forced volunteer event I am, in effect, saying NO to family time with my children (when I have them) or saying NO to activities that *I* very much look forward to on my off time. I should be able to say “NO” without guilt or remorse and have it be accepted, and if they don’t accept that I just can’t attend something then it is THEIR problem, not mine.

I will be practicing this this week – they have planned day long events for Saturday as well as Sunday, with the regular meetings on Monday and a committee meeting on Wednesday. I have already decided that I will NOT be attending the committee meeting – I promised GirlChild to take her to a beginner scrapbook class that night and I do NOT intend to break my word.

I am seriously considering resigning from my leadership role next year. While I enjoy the activity and believe in the organization, it should not rule my entire life. Between regular Monday night meetings, monthly committee and regional meetings, training meetings, campouts, weekend activities, volunTOLD events, and other expected activities/contributions, it has been made clear to me that I am not doing ENOUGH for them. I realize that I want to add activities to MY life – Tae Kwon Do, Yoga, Nia, Bellydance –  and feeling like I am not “allowed” to pick up anything more if I can’t contribute ENOUGH to this is ridiculous.