One thing I learned, long ago, is that all action starts with the idea… the thought-form that you transform through pure will and guts to produce something physical. Sometimes, though, I think that my professor (all those long long years ago) missed something essential.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Change is epiphany motivated, that spiritual call or push or yearning that gets you thinking about WHY things are the way they are. It has always been the brilliant flashes out of nowhere, the soul sparks, and the sudden realizations that have lead to determining what lead to the state of affairs in which you find your life. They are the tiny squiggles of pure happiness as you realize new ways of looking at and doing things that guide you in the direction of change.

Cause and Effect are not always CLEAR in our lives

It is easy to get so caught up in EVERYTHING that we miss the connections between parts of our lives. Consequences sometimes feel like “karma” – the actions seem far removed from the resulting effect – and we keep doing the same things over and over. The patterns are created in our lives, road maps and recipes for activities, and it isn’t until something gives us pause to reflect that we see how these rote actions really affect us.

When a pattern starts causing a problem we seek answers

As long as things seem to be working away as we expect them to (good OR bad) we don’t pay attention to the patterns and assumptions that we make about ourselves, our choices, or our lives. It’s not always immediately clear that we are doing the same things over and over in our lives, causing the same things to happen over and over, until we finally notice “this has happened before”.

Epiphanies are sometimes described as lightning bolt moments, something so life altering that we just have to sit up and take notice. But epiphanies can be gentle, tiptoe to awareness, tap on the shoulder, a gentle hug or a shift of awareness that sidles up to you and infuses you with a need. They are our soul’s way of telling us that we need to slow down and take a look at what’s happening – and if all else fails our souls will try the “burning bush” approach that will DEFINITELY get our attention.

Sometimes we don’t accept the news until it beats us over the head with the obvious stick.

Lately my life has been ruled by a lot of sudden epiphanies – some subtle nudges, others more of the beat-over-the-head obviousness type – which have radically changed my personal life direction. I recognized that for years I have been rushing through my life, stressing about the things that I thought really mattered, trying desperately to make myself fit in SOMEWHERE… ANYWHERE, and I was so busy trying to cram the square-peg of my life into the round holes around me, that I wasn’t aware that I had tried the same thing over and over, always with eerily similar results.

What is that quote that everyone uses? Oh, yeah:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Albert Einstein) 

No wonder it was “crazy making” I was unconsciously leading myself around in circles, starting and ending in the same spots, and yet kicking myself for the very fact that I had not gotten anywhere. Every repeat of the pattern brought the similar results, and every time I would curse my “luck”… and then do it again.

Until, sitting with myself and listening to my soul-voice one night, I realized that there was a PATTERN there, and that I wasn’t learning my lesson and changing what I was doing. I realized that I was drifting through my life thinking that I had not been making decisions or choosing a path, but unconsciously I was just living out a pattern over and over…

AND GETTING THE SAME MISERABLE RESULTS!

Awareness of a pattern is just the FIRST step. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that noticing that there is a pattern at work is the same as solving the issue! It’s not as simple as that!

Once a painful pattern (because, obviously, if the pattern is working FOR us there is much LESS need to delve into what it is doing) becomes obvious to our conscious minds, it is necessary to observe the history of this pattern in our lives. Although this might sound like a waste of time, after all you now SEE that there is a pattern of behavior there, but reviewing past behavior not only reinforces the pattern in your mind, but might actually lead back to when the pattern STARTED.

For me the biggest epiphanies happen once I notice WHERE a pattern started and HOW I can do things differently. There isn’t much point in seeing a pattern if you are just going to keep repeating it because you don’t fully understand WHY you do things the way you do? The whole point is to see what needs to or can be done differently, make the change, and see the different results.

So how DO you go about finding the source of the pattern?

I don’t believe that my behavioral patterns are rooted in my DNA, or that they are a foregone conclusion set about at the moment of my birth by some divine plan. As a student of the social sciences I know that we are creatures of both nature (DNA, hormones, etc) and nurture (past, family, society) that sometimes makes untangling the knots of patterns extraordinarily difficult. Not IMPOSSIBLE, just difficult.  Sometimes it isn’t necessary to go all the way back, sometimes it is. Sometimes we need to understand the traumas that led to choosing to do things one way or another… sometimes it’s enough to know that there IS a pattern and that it has been repeating itself so that we can move on.

For myself, the process of finding the patterns (and the pattern sources) involves writing.

• I journal,
•  I blog,
•  I scribble madly,
•  I consult the tarot (and note it down),
•  I look back at past journal entries and blog posts,
• I ask friends and family.
• I make mind maps.
• I draw connections between words.
•  I create networks in my books… and pathways in my neural networks.
• I draw timelines.
•  I note trends in events.
• I use calendars to visualize time and events
• I note how I react to other people (journaling)

And I see how things relate, what events are similar every time (therefore part of the pattern), and which things vary (and therefore either part of other patterns or not necessary for the pattern). I then FEEL my way through the pattern, to see where the “red flags” came up, and what they were, and how they felt.

It is a process of trusting yourself, even retroactively.

And I see what happened, over and over. It hits me. Not just intellectually, but emotionally and, often, physically. And I suddenly BELIEVE the pattern is real.

Because I believe I can find patterns I also believe I can change the patterns.

The realization of what needs to change, what has been going wrong, and that you really can change  the pattern is the grain of the epiphany (an epiphany seed, if you will). For me (and YMMV) the power of the epiphany is not so much in the new realization, as in the new realization that THINGS CAN CHANGE… that the force of Will (mindful determination/intention) can change things in my life.

I am not powerless to a force greater than myself… not for MOST things anyway.

I am working on myself and finding my way through the maze of things I want to change in my life. Right now there are days where it seems NOTHING is right at all, where all I see are the patterns staring me straight in the face and telling me “you can’t change who you are”. I’m working on self-empowerment, and it’s a long and difficult process.

My patterns have controlled me in the past, but they don’t control me anymore.

 I have patterns. I have a lot of patterns. Some days the thought of fighting against the tangle of the patterns scares the crap out of me, some days I feel so beaten down that I can barely get out of bed,  some days I want nothing more than someone to tell me they love me (and mean it, not just say it because they feel they should.

Other days I feel like I can do ANYTHING, that I can change my world for the better. That I can find love, within myself and from another person, that I can better myself and my world, that I can be a change in the world and that the changes I need to make aren’t as hard as they appeared yesterday.

It’s all a journey… (and that’s an epiphany TOO)

 What I feel needs to be changed: I want to live a more conscious life

What I realized was hurting me

Having spent the holiday/fallow season (Samhain to Yule, for those non-Pagans) in a lot of conscious thought about my life, as it was, and what I wanted to go forward… I have realized a LOT about the patterns that I fall into in my life. And the biggest pattern, by far, is not OWNING my own journey in this life.

I have been a passenger in my life!

And that CAN’T be good.

What I mean by this is this – I avoided making my own decisions many times. Why? That’s really the question here. Sometimes I did it because it seemed that other people knew what I needed more than I did. Sometimes I did it to please someone significant in my life. Sometimes I did it because it was easier. Sometimes I did it because I wanted to avoid conflict and pain. Sometimes I did it because I felt that I was unlovable and I should be accepting of whatever came my way, even if it didn’t fit me. Sometimes I did it because I didn’t feel like I could do it on my own.

It was WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

I drifted through life. I didn’t take control or speak up until it was too late. I thought that I was being intelligent, watching and waiting out the decisions of others, taking time to decide what to do. But this had never really worked well for me. I felt unheard, I felt uncomfortable in my own life…

I have made decisions retroactively rather than proactively and I have spent more time repairing my life from the mistakes that I watched happen when I faded out of my own life 

• I went to university (and took out loans) not knowing what I wanted to do
• I married a man because he asked me
• I accept relationships that are lacking
• I gave up my spirituality
• I handed over control of my finances without protest

The answers were always inside of me. I knew that things FELT wrong, I just didn’t allow myself to become conscious of what was wrong and what *I* wanted… I kept myself busy, I kept allowing people to tell me that what I was wanting/feeling was wrong, and I told MYSELF lies to explain why what I felt was wrong.

What was REALLY wrong was not listening to MY INTUITION.

How was this hurting me?

I have been drifting in my life for years. I have felt as if I have no power, that I am the “victim” of my life. Gods how I hate that term and that mindset!! But nonetheless I felt inactive in my cocoon, observing and not participating and letting things happen to me…

The waking up was a painful (re)birth (and as someone who has endured through the labour of 2 children, I can honestly say it was a different by similar birthing) of my self…

On Samhain it came to me… that niggly little feeling that SOMETHING was going to change, that I needed to OPEN myself up to it now and that things would NEVER EVER be the same (but its okay, its gonna be mostly WELCOME change, my soul whispered, don’t be afraid).

I opened a tiny crack in my armor, and started the spiritual labour of change. Suddenly instead of being a meek victim or passive passenger in the important areas of my life I was looking at things with a critical eye –

• Did I want to relate to my children this way? Could I find another way to relate to them that didn’t make me feel like crying on the floor every night? Could I find a way that we could BE a family? Could I find another system of communication with them?
• Did I want to live in this basement suite forever? Could I find a way to get out – either to find another more suitable living space or a home of my own? What would it take to get a home of my own? Did I qualify for a mortgage? If I didn’t qualify, what would it take for me to get to that place in 2 years?
• Where did all my friends go? How can I make more connections? Where can I find support through this time? Who can I turn to, when I don’t have unlimited funds to take courses and classes? How can I reconnect with the friends I used to have? How can I make NEW friends?
• What am I interested in? What happened to all my hobbies that I used to have? Do I really enjoy the activities that I am doing? What other activities would I really like to explore? Is there a way to incorporate my kids into new activities so that I don’t have to worry about babysitters?
• What am I eating? Why am I buying Coca-Cola so much when I don’t drink it and I don’t allow my children to drink it? Why am I catering to the tastes of someone else so much? Why can’t I try new combinations of flavours? What new foods can I try? Can I find a balance between budget and interest?
• What am I spending on? Why am I going over budget so often? Is there a way to control that? Why am I catering to another person rather than making sure that my needs are met first? Why am I spending on <insert item>, what need is that filling? Do we really need X now or can it be put off? Does this enrich me or take away from me?
• What calls to me spiritually? What makes my soul sing? What is just window dressing? What do I believe? What works for me? What isn’t working for me? How can I share things with others without fear? Why should I have to be afraid to share my spirituality?
• Why am I putting up with being treated this way? What do I want in a romance? Why shoudl I put up with my lawyer’s behaviour? Why am I accepting the intimidation from theEx? Why am I so afraid of being alone that I let my boyfriend decide what I get out of a relationship? Why am I allowing myself to be used? Why can’t I say NO? 

I feel the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth.  Question after question flooded through me and seized my thoughts. I opened myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am going to start making changes

I have been making a lot of changes already, riding the  wave of the storm within my soul to its inevitable conclusion…

• I left the country!!
• I met Pace and Kyeli
• and Hayden Tompkins
• and Lynnivere
• and Michelle Russell
• and Marty Whitmore
• and Megan Morris!!
• And a bunch more that shook my world in good ways!
• (and I don’t think I did THAT badly talking to new people!)
• !! I started working on my spiritual path!!
• I applied for (and qualified) for a mortgage and bought a townhouse and made plans to move!
• I looked at myself inside without being afraid!
• I looked at my HEART seriously!!
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I stopped worrying what theEx was doing or feeling responsible
• I took control of my divorce case and made sure my lawyer LISTENED to me
• I admitted that my marriage was abusive
• I admitted I wanted a LOVING relationship
• I threw myself into dance
• I signed up for a support group
• Somehow I got finagled into joining a writing group
• I started on a (quiet) spiritual exploration (which I plan to talk about over HERE soon)

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it.

Why I need to change:

I need to let myself BLOOM.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

MY affirmation!:

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a plan to afford the Shiva Nata Starter Kit from Havi Brooks. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.

1. what I feel needs to be changed,
2. what I realized was hurting me
3. how it was hurting me
4. how I am going to start making changes
5. why I need to change
6. Affirmations for change to happen

Okay, so there is a interesting internet meme thing that has been going on in the blogs that I have been reading lately, and since I’m having a craptacular day, feeling really bad about a bunch of stuff and worried about a bunch MORE, I have decided I’m gonna play along….

So here it is, in all its wonderous forms:

1. for the ground to dry up. Seriously, the yard at work looks like a swamp and I am tired of cleaning up mud in the office and from my car and off my clothes!! Added to this wonderousness is the fact that the city/town is doing construction on the ONLY road to access the office, and I’m a bit worried that with the mud in the back of the shop being so deep my little neon is not gonna make it out of here tonight.

2. I want to go home. With the construction and the mud and the limited access in and out of here, I just wanna know that when it comes time to get out of here I will be able to GET OUT OF HERE. Seriously, it sucks not knowing if at the end of the day you will be stuck in the mud up to your axles and desperate to get home. I don’t know what will happen if I can’t get out easily… I have to get the kids and we have to get a bunch done tonight for BoyChild’s campout tomorrow night.

3. I want to feel pretty and desirable again. I want someone to CARE when I wear frilly underpants… I want my someone to APPRECIATE me in my frilly underthings. I want to dress up, go out, and be treated like I am enjoyable and desired… just once more in my life, please?

4. I want my boyfriend to want to talk to me once in a while. I don’t want to be the one doing all the phoning and chasing, I want to know that he cares about ME when i’m not there.

5. Karma sharks to get my ex husband. While I struggle to make ends meet he’s cornered me into agreeing not to seek the child support reassessment that I am entitled to (which I would have gone after by now if I had known my rights during this divorce process) thus allowing him to UNDERPAY support for the children for SIX MONTHS. Basically, he deserves something to make HIM feel powerless and small and guilty, the way he always does to ME when he intimidates and threatens me and uses guilt-nuggets to get me to “cooperate for the children” instead of standing up for my LEGAL RIGHTS. BIG FAT HUNGRY KARMA SHARKS!! I don’t expect him to ever care or understand that he should do things because they are right, I just want him to know how it feels to be intimidated and threatened.

That’s pretty much it… I want to stop being muddy, I want to know I’ll be able to get home tonight, I want to be loved and desired, I want to be missed/needed, I want my (soon to be) ExHusband to understand how his bullying makes me feel… So… how about YOU?

Last week things sorta seemed to come to a head of sorts.

I spent my days at work barely functioning, feeling panicked and fighting off tears. I spent my nights at home alone crying, trying to pull my thoughts together enough to come up with a concrete set of GOALS, a PLAN I could set in place to keep myself above water long enough to get out of the space of overwhelm. So many things seemed important and worthy goals and yet not quite the right thing to do… there were things that were more calming, which made a space out of the chaos, and yet they were not things that I knew would be worthy lifetime goals. 

I threw myself into chaos, not knowing what the answers were… and as a consequence my systems failed me. 

I failed to be able to keep up with eating regularly. I couldn’t sleep normally. I had painful, frightening panic attacks…

And yet…

I’m still standing. And that’s all I can do sometimes. 

I know that there are answers. I know that I need to rely only on myself for the answers. I need space from the chaos of Everpresent and I need to focus on what I need to nourish MY soul and the lives of myself and my children.

I need love. I need support. I need words. I need care. I need experiences. I need quiet. I need time. I need distance. I need closure. I need familiarity.