I’m not doing well lately.

It’s not working for me (shock, awe, gasps of horror).

Getting here has been a hard road and, despite the fact that sometimes I am a total mess, I am immensely PROUD of myself for making it happen.

1. I have a job where I am (relatively) respected and which I earn a decent salary
2. I have control over my fiances — money coming in and money going OUT are no longer a mystery to me. I can set a goal and be sure to have the ability to get to it, at least financially, without having someone dip into the accounts. Any mistakes are MINE alone.
3. I have spaces that I can meet my own needs as well as the needs of my family.
   • I have an altar space (thanks to Goddess Leonie and Lisa Baldwin for the Divine Declutter eCourse) and also Kyeli of the Freak Revolution for helping me see that its SAFE to do this)
   • I have FURNITURE that works for me.
   • I have a space to meditate
   • my kids have spaces of their own (including building space, creating space, storing space, playing space, and learning space)
4. I speak up for myself (sometimes) when I feel I am not being treated fairly, rather than just being a “good girl” and keeping the peace. I have a LONG way to go with this, obviously, but it IS starting albeit tentatively
5. My body is now my own (mostly)… I have pierced my nose, I have started to choose what my STYLE might be, and I’m starting to allow myself to feel “part-of” my body. Yes, I am still nervous about making changes
6. I am becoming self-aware.

I feel, very much, like I just “woke up” from a nightmare

I refused to THINK that it was abuse, because the thought scared me too much.

I missed having FRIENDS

I want to start living in connection.

I have to admit it… I’m in a slump lately.

Things just haven’t seemed… right… for a few weeks and I have been struggling, valiantly and not so valiantly in randomized patterns, to try and figure out what it IS that is “not right”…

Lack of Support is a huge slice of Unhappy Pie

It is certainly something that i have been aware of for months, if not years… always at the back of my mind, niggling and squiggling at my consciousness.

I was (and still am) a sensitive child. I wanted the safe, secure, loving relationship that I saw with my friends and their families. I wanted to be WANTED in the family unit.

I felt rejection a lot as a child. I became a lonely, withdrawn child who played primarily alone, progressed into a lonely, shy teenager who had very few friends, and bloomed into a very introverted and anxious adult who wanted nothing more than to be accepted and wanted.

I just want to be WANTED somewhere…

The problem is that I became a person even I didn’t want or love. I internalized the rejection that came from outside and I started to tear myself down from the inside. I was a shell, seeking someone to pour love into me, to fill me up and give me purpose.

Love… all we need is love…

I turned to boys to try to find love and acceptance. I allowed boys (because they certainly were not MEN) to abuse me emotionally, verbally, sexually, spiritually, financially, and physically if they “loved” me. I wanted so much to be worthy of something that I didn’t worry about whether those I was seeking love/approval FROM were WORTHY OF ME.

I was a statistic

When people wonder WHY a girl or woman stays with someone who talks to her like she is a child – I was that woman

When people wonder why a girl or woman doesn’t leave the first time a man hits her – I was that woman

When they ask how “stupid” a girl has to be to give all her money to a man – I was that woman

When people shake their heads at women or girls who allow their partners to scare them out of talking to family and friends or going out socially – I was that woman

When people are shocked to hear about a woman staying with someone who cheats on her and then turns around and accuses HER of making him do it (or of doing it herself) – I was that woman

When someone states that THEY would never allow someone to tell them what to do with THEIR bodies if THEY were pregnant – I was almost that woman…

I was a statistic.

My inner child wanted so much to belong and be loved that she would put up with any kind of mistreatment (because she truly BELIEVED she had done something to DESERVE it) to be something for someone.

Until the day I snapped.

The snap was a surprise to me (and my husband) because I had been ignoring the feelings of dissatisfaction and bubbling anger and resentment towards my marriage for years. True, things originally started to unravel about the time I found out I was pregnant with GirlChild and the resultant conversations and whispered “truths” that surrounded the decision I made to keep her, but the actually SNAP happened 5 years later when the promises of changes and “trying” never materialized and I realized that I did NOT need a man to fill me up and tear me down anymore.

And

I

LEFT

I did something that was so terrible in my mind, the thing that I had always feared theEx would do to me when he realized I was not worthy of his greatness — I gathered up the things that I felt were mine, I bundled up my children and a few possessions, and I walked out of the marital home.

I left.

Even to this day (2.5 years later) the thought of how much courage it took for me to stand up to someone who hurt and belittled and controlled both my life and the lives of our children and who used sex and money to hurt or bribe me into compliance, and who manipulated and twisted and hurt me in so many ways…

I’m amazed that I did it.

And now I’m in the process of unlearning all the hurtful patterns I have learned through my life. I’m waking up to new possibilities in how to relate not only to myself and my family, but to others in my life. I am reaching out, risking rejection, and hoping to make connections with the wider world.

And I’ve seen another way of being

Three weeks ago I went out of my comfort zones, out of my box, out of my COUNTRY, and I visited Pace and Kyeli (of the Freak Revolution, The Usual Error, AND the Up-coming 52 Weeks to Awesome) for their (illegal in the state of Texas and apparently most of the USA) wedding.

I travelled the width of the US (almost) from Saskatoon to Austin, to visit people I had NEVER EVER met.

I had NO idea what to expect… part of me believed I would remain an outsider looking in, the way I always had. I had worried that I wouldn’t be able to let anyone inside to see the real me, that I’d either talk too much or be too shy (both horrible downfalls for me) and that I would be completely unlikeable. And how horrible would it be to be so far from home and not be able to fit in!

What I found was acceptance

I met people who I felt didn’t have a preconceived notion of how I should be. People who were open and loving and accepting, who had been where I had been, who had made it through the things that I am struggling with — they had made it through without losing their sense of self, in fact they seemed to have become more fully themselves through the very processes that I had seen tear down others around me.

Maybe they could see me despite the stucknesses and hurts that sometimes cloud the me I know I can be come?

I saw a hope for a shy, lonely woman who had become afraid to reach out…

I saw the power of connection.

I saw HOPE for connections and support and love despite not being perfect.

I saw a different way to relate to the world.

Now I have to find a way to put that into practice in my own life, a way to forge connections and not fear that I will be automatically rejected…

• sometimes you have to walk away from people
• you can’t always know what a person is like when you first meet them
• don’t respond to things that are obviously MEANT to get a reaction, I wouldn’t respond to my children acting in attention seeking negative behaviours, I shouldn’t react to adults doing it
• if a comment causes a reaction, it is best to try and sit back/evaluate why it causes that reaction. If there is a strong reaction and you can’t think clearly about it, get outside eyes to look at the situation with you
• I have every RIGHT to feel threatened by the kinds of things I have had emailed, said, and texted to me in the last few months 
• I have every right to call the police, should Stalker think that he has the absolute RIGHT to drop by to have his say “once and for all”
• once this kind of pattern starts up it won’t stop, so it is best to step away from the situation.
• Stalker needs a dictionary, because he doesn’t know the definition of “slander” –  
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      • slander
        noun
        1.	words falsely spoken that damage the reputation of another
        2.	an abusive attack on a person’s character or good name [syn: aspersion]
        verb
        1.	charge falsely or with malicious intent; attack the good name and reputation of someone;

        • so… can I slander someone, since I “alluded” to the fact that someone had been doing things that I considered “Stalker-like” behaviour? The answer is NO… the comments were made in GOOD FAITH, the fact that his behaviour is so far out of “acceptable” is not my fault, and it is not a FALSE allegation either…. NOT FALSE=NOT SLANDER!!!
• I have the right to protect myself, my interests and my children from this person
• I have the right to decide not to communicate with someone who cannot act like an adult
  • the behaviour has been, quite frankly, adolescent at BEST, and I do not need to deal with it.

• all nice about how much he had changed, how things were going good but how he missed our friendship and how he was sorry for his past behaviour and was “ready to try being friends again”
• whining about how things went wrong and why I was wrong in letting these things stop me from seeing how great he was to me
• sad posts about how much he missed me and how he wasn’t “right” without me in his life, how he didn’t want to live and how it was bad because I was just so mean to him after all he had done for me (notice, here, that he brings up things I didn’t ask for or even KNOW about all the time)
• attacking emails about my serious flaws (lack of empathy, not listening enough, not caring enough for the things he did for me and how much he did without being asked and without me KNOWING (creepy), not trusting) and how I wasn’t perfect and how I needed to be told (by him) all the things that no one else in my life would ever tell me
• piles of shit about how much he felt I had to work on, all the things I needed to think about and do differently, how much I was failing at everything in my life, and how we could be perfect together
• back to the apologetic emails promising he was “done” with that and that he had had his say and that he was ready to be friends again…

• how horrible it was that I dated and slept with the FireFighter,
• how horrible FireFighters were AS PEOPLE,
• how dating “strangers” was akin to self-harm and self-destruction
• that having “fun” in the sexual sense was abusive towards myself
• how I was going to be abused by yet another man because it was my pattern (obviously)
• that I was likely infected with something because of the relationship with the FireFighter
• that i HAD TO stop seeing the FireFighter (it actually came down to a “Promise me that you won’t see him again… PROMISE ME… PROMISE ME!!!! type thing)
• how I was doing it to get back at him
• how I was going to lose my children because I was going down a path that wasn’t “good” for any of us
• how he loved me anyway… but he couldn’t continue to “be with” me because I was putting him at risk (um… #1. how does it risk YOU, since I have pretty much stated that I never EVER want to sleep with you EVER again? #2. safe sex? #3. NOT YOUR BUSINESS)