Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Becoming Visible again

April29
The draw of the internet, at least for me, has always been that it has allowed me to be both visible and safely invisible.
 
At least for the most part.
 
Unless I accidentally give out my real phone number to people who threaten to send me dead rats via Canada Post* (which, in case you are wondering, really REALLY pisses Canada Post off… they do not approve of dead rats in the mail. I’m not sure they approve of LIVE rats all that much either… but if you label the box “careful, live animal” I think they will take it. But I haven’t tested the waters on that one yet)… and thus become somewhat transparent.
 
Being an online being means that I can be both out there — after all I write a blog (or three), do a podcast (ocassionally), write a diary, have a facebook page (not that I do a lot there), post pictures on Flickr, have an account on almost ANY messenger program you can name (its true), Twitter, and play WoW (not often anymore, though) — and at the same time stay relatively hidden — I lurk on other blogs and diaries, I don’t really do a lot of chattering on FaceBook, I don’t actively hunt down friends on messengers, I am shy about commenting on blogs, diaries, facebook, Flickr or Twitter, I am afraid of promoting my blogs or podcasts, and I generally lay pretty low.
 
While I like attention from other people, while I CRAVE the feedback that comes from being able to be more visible, I am still worried, a lot of the time, to draw any attention to myself.
 
My friends can tell you this about me: I have a “thing” about contacting people. I feel very uncomfortable about reaching out, even to “my” people (to use a Serin-ism). I have a phone, but its only a cell phone. I no longer have a home phone… even though long distance would be cheaper. Why? Because I can’t justify having a home phone and a cell phone when I barely use my cell.
 
Calling people makes me nervous. I’m getting better… but I still have a lot of issues actually reaching out to people other than Reg and Serin (who was the unfortunate recipient of my most recent growth due to Rapport training, back in September)… and even then I am really nervous dialing either of them.
 
I prefer to remain hidden, in plain sight. Its a weird mixture of being invisible and yet seen…
 
On the internet people only see what you let them see, they only have as much access to you as you allow (for the most part).
 
I write online (visible) but I don’t comment a lot on other blogs (invisible), other people’s facebook pages (invisible), or on OD (invisible). I have a facebook page (visible) but I have it locked down against a few people (invisible). I do not check out Reg’s facebook page (invisible) and I try not to make a lot of comments on his status or such things (invisible) because I kinda worry about the comments that will come from his large number of female friends about having a girlfriend (I’m kinda worried I’m not pretty enough for him sometimes).
 And then I wonder my no one comments on my blog (being SEEN), OD (SEEN), Flickr Page (SEEN), or FaceBook (SEEN). I wonder why no one responds to me, friends me, contacts me or wants to chat, subscribe, email… and on and on and on.
 
Because (and this is IMPORTANT here so take NOTES) there is a difference between being VISIBLE and being SEEN…
 
Being visible is there, you’re there, you’re not actively HIDING, but you are not actively seeking out other people either. Its like having a phone but not giving anyone your number.
 
Being SEEN is making your prescence KNOWN to other people. And its UNCOMFORTABLE. Its going against the grain of “being seen but not heard” that my mother was so found of saying (children should be SEEN but not HEARD)… It goes against the way I have lived, never making demands for attention and always meeting my OWN needs rather than ask for what I needed from other people.
Being SEEN takes a lot of courage for some people. It means that we have to admit that we are out here, that we are more than just passive participants in the social network, but that we are active and vital and that we are open to not only the positive feedback but also the REJECTION that can come from not only openning yourself up as see-able, but to also be INTERACTIVE as a whole person responding in a social environment SEEN!!
 
Rejection is SCARY shit.
 
It is the reason that in school I didn’t speak up in class a lot (until university, when I was the ONLY person who talked) — I didn’t want to be humilated if I was wrong. I was afraid to be SEEN as intelligent.
 
It is the reason I don’t seek out new social groups – I don’t want to be rejected for not being “cool enough”….
 
It is the reason I don’t comment on other blogs – because who really wants to make their presence known only to be asked “why did you think I would be interested in what YOU have to say?”
 
It is the reason I don’t note other open diaries – I don’t want to bother people.
 
Its the reason I don’t phone up my boyfriend or friends when I am lonely – I am afraid that I am an intrusion into their busy and interesting lives and I don’t want to be an obligation.
 
Its the reason I stayed in a marriage that made me feel like I was not a real person who was genuinely cared about and loved by her husband – because the idea of not having someone, at the end of the day was scarier (at the time) than having ever aspect of my life controlled.
 
But being AFRAID to be SEEN meant I didn’t really LIVE!
 
When I didn’t speak out in class I didn’t get noticed by anyone. I didn’t get the opportunity to voice the thoughts that I had in my head, and I didn’t give anyone else the chance to see me as more than the shy girl in the back. When I started to speak up in university classes I became a full member of the class, I was seen as someone who KNEW their stuff and I was invited into groups and sought out for my opinion. I was SEEN.
 
When I didn’t talk to other people or try to go out and find groups who shared my interests I succumbed to loneliness. Once I started to seek out others — other mommies, other Pagans, other singles, other needleworkers, other knitters, other WRITERS — I started to create connections that enabled me to further venture both into who I was and OUT to different ideas and opinions that made me a more genuine and deeper person. I was SEEN and I SAW myself.
 
When I don’t comment on other blogs I force MY blog to remain invisible. When I do comment, occasionally other people come to check out MY blog too… and once in a while they might leave a comment. And that gives me a chance to learn about new blogs to read… So I am SEEN and I get to SEE other people too!
 
When I don’t note other diaries on OD I don’t give people the feedback that (maybe) THEY are looking for.
 
When I don’t call my friends I don’t give them a chance to SEE that sometimes I need them… and I don’t get to know what is really going on. Sometimes THEY are feeling the same way I am, that they can’t just call someone up because everyone ELSE is busy. I am SEEN by my friends and I am better able to SEE them clearly too..
 
When I stayed in a marriage that made me unhappy I was, quite simply, not living. I had given my power to someone else, had handed over the my intrinsic right to have friends, go out, have hobbies, and be a social tour de force in my own life. I allowed fear of being alone to make me feel like I had no power to make my life what I wanted it to be. I allowed someone else to determine what I needed, and by doing so I lost a HUGE amount of who I was. Once I realized that I no longer recognized the woman in the mirror, that I no longer had essential connections to my family, I no longer had any friends of my own, I knew I had to leave. Leaving allowed me to start to allow myself to be visible, and through reaching out and learning to date again I have become able to be SEEN…
 
I am fighting my way back through invisibility now… back to being merely visible to being genuinely SEEN as a human being…
 
And sometimes I think that’s what all of us are doing…
 
 
______________________________________________________
* for the record, I only did this ONE time… and the person who threatened to send me a dead rat was none other than Serin, who is now one of my closest (but far away) friends. I seem to have forgiven him his penchant for sending weird things through the mail. Mostly, though, he’s all talk when it comes to mail, so there is no real threat in all his bluster…
 
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

Too cold to be ALIVE

March10
Here it is, early March 2009, and it is STILL deep in the COLD COLD weather that we have been plagued with since the snow started falling in December.
 
It was -38C when I got up.
 
BEFORE the windchill, that is.
 
This winter has consistently been below -25c… and that’s been a problem for everyone and everything in my life.
 
Work: I work for a construction company. Our vehicles (never mind our men) does not work well when the temperatures are below -25c. That means that a lot of jobs are put off and delayed when the weather is as cold as it is. And with the economy slowing down somewhat (although not as much HERE as in other areas my company works) we can’t afford to slow down too much.
Add to that the fact that, as the guys slow down, MY work slows down. And I can’t afford to be laid off or cut back either, not when I am facing having debts piled onto me in the next week or so.
 
Kids: Because it has been so cold there have been very few days when the kids have been able to go outside to play in the snow. Its not like Canadian kids don’t KNOW about cold weather (or that Canadian parents can’t bundle the kids properly) but when its that cold there is no point in spending 10 minutes bundling everyone up for the 5 minutes that you can tolerate the cold and the wind before your skin starts to freeze.
 
Many days this winter the days were so cold that exposed flesh would have frozen in a minute or less.
 
You’d think, wouldn’t you, that given the common weather conditions around here (even on “good” winters) that they would have more indoor playgrounds, events and activities at REASONABLE prices for a wide variety of ages.
 
But they don’t. Not really.
The one indoor “Playground” is unacceptable — the staff is disinterested, its dirty most of the time, things are broken, and because the focus of the staff who ARE there is to sell overpriced food and to supervise birthday parties, issues come up with younger kids being picked on or trampled by older kids because they are all trying to play in the same area (there is a baby area, but that’s for 2 and under)… and every time we go there it costs me $15 to get in and around $10 in food/snacks or games. 
 
NOT WORTH IT, really.
 
Other choices that we have available:
  • Malls — too much temptation to buy stuff
  • movies — HORRIBLY expensive
  • the university grounds — have to be quiet
  • swimming — this can be expensive as well
 
And so the kids have been going stir crazy, at home, at the babysitter’s, and at school they are kept indoors with no relief in sight.
 
RGG: Poor RGG has been suffering from a lingering cold or something for the past month or so that he just can’t seem to kick. Then again HIS kids have been sick on and on all winter (mine really haven’t been), and he works at an elementary school, so he’s constantly exposed to colds and flus and things so he never really has a chance to fight anything off — he gets one thing and he is already run down and he gets exposed to the next and the next. 
 
I’m glad I’m not working as a teacher (laugh).
 
On top of it he has been complaining about having gained some winter weight which he can’t get off (I haven’t really noticed any problem, jsyk)…
 
Me: Well… I’m having breathing issues that seem to be wholely unrelated to illness (I haven’t gotten “sick” since BoyChild gave me the stomach crud back in September) — i haven’t had a sore throat, cough, or real congestion all winter. What I HAVE had, though, has been issues breathing — asthma attacks.
 
The cold snaps that we have been having tend to cause inflamation. And although I have been taking my steroid inhaler (when I remember it), I have found that the constriction from this inflammation makes my chest hurt… and it makes breathing a chore, which makes everything I do a chore… and even the rescue inhaler doesn’t always work well enough to relieve the stress.
 
Added to this is the fact that during the winter the dust and pet dander and things are trapped in the house and no fresh air is able to get in because MOST (if not all) of the windows have a layer of ICE over them preventing them from being able to be openned.
 
And, being around the dust and smoke (from the neighbors upstairs), breathing unusually cold air, being exposed to illnesses (and having to take preventative medications for that)… and the emotional roller coaster of the divorce and a new relationship…
 
I have had more asthma attacks this year than ANY other year that I can remember.
 
At least, despite MY kids being sick, RGG’s kids being sick, and RGG being sick (and being exposed to several colds and flus this way) I have managed to fight off all the respitory illnesses that would make the asthma just so much worse.
 
Like, going to the hospital and having to deal with a breathing treatment type worse…
 
Not that RGG didn’t almost send me this past weekend… (I have the best boyfriend, he actually cares about things like this)… Like I said, he and my kids were “concerned” about the HUGE asthma attack I had on Saturday at the hockey game that thankfully I got under control before they could force me to go to the ER.
 
But, yeah… I’ve got cabin fever AND the cold dry weather makes it harder for me to breathe, having the kids going nuts makes me feel anxious to get out and DO things, and the level of dust and cat hair in the house causes all sorts of nasty triggers to happen to me…
 
Not to mention that having to find ways to entertain everyone, drive everywhere, and keep the house warmer than normal has had a bit of an effect on my budget…
 
I’m OVER winter.
 
And I say that right now knowing full well that the next step (climate wise) will be MELTING, which will bring a new level of allergens up from under the snow and thus likely causing me to have asthma and “hayfever” (watery eyes, sneezing, wheezing, coughing, sinus pressure and pain and even migraines) symptoms from snow mold…
 
But I can’t take any more -40!!! I just CAN’T!
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

I think I’m getting an ulcer

March10

Either that or I’m in danger of becoming homicidal.

Why, you may ask?


It all comes down to working with men and how little they THINK about things before they promise them.

I’m not sure if this is all men, or just the particular group… but its been a pattern with all men in my life so far — they make promises that they expect the WOMEN in their lives to fulfill without EVER considering what it is that they are asking or expecting.

My job makes me want to scream most days.

So far this week has been hell…

Why?

Because my manager sets unrealistic expectations for my performance and makes promises that I have to fulfill, without letting me KNOW about them.

For example:

Part of my job is to make sure that when workers come from other branches to do work on our sites that I book accomodations for them.

Great.

But there are only a finite number of hotel and motel rooms IN the city. And sometimes there are events that have the city completely booked up.

Add to that the fact that my manager doesn’t TELL me that people are coming up or HAVE come up before they call to ask where they are staying for the night (never mind that I didn’t KNOW they were there, how many are up here, when they are leaving or WHAT DAMNED job they are working on!!!) and then these guys (CONSTRUCTION WORKERS) get PISSY at me because I have nothing for them ready!!

Yesterday was no exception.

On friday I had heard that 2 guys were coming up for a training session and a job, so I proactively called around and got 2 rooms for them for Monday night. I asked around for Tuesday as well, but was told that the city was booked up.

I told this to my manager on friday. I had rooms for 2 guys for Monday but the rest of the week I couldn’t get them booked in the city, but I had appointments on friday afternoon and I had to go early.

Monday morning I was told that we had 3 guys up from the other provincial branch. Note that I had booked TWO guys — Guy1 and Guy2 — but had no forewarning for Guy3.

Manager says that Guy2 is going home after the training session because it is too cold out to work (our machinery breaks when pushed at -30, it was colder than that).

I changed the hotel booking so that I had booked Guy1 and replaced the booking for Guy2 with Guy3.

Later in the day Guy2 comes sauntering in from the training session he was on… and Manager tells him that he can stay up here and work for the duration of the week and that I will “look after him” for the week.

So… I scramble around trying to find a place for Guy2 to stay after having given his room to Guy3 at the request of Manager.

I start phoning around the city only to find that there is a huge concert event AND 2 conferences going on and there isn’t a room to be found IN the city.

But now Manager wants to keep Guy1 and Guy2 up here to work, given that if they go home they won’t have any work to do and we don’t have enough guys for the work we have. Nothing is said about Guy3, whom I asked Manager about a few times.

CoWorker and I started phoning all the hotels, motels and bed and breakfast accomodations in all the small downs surrounding the city looking for TWO SEPARATE rooms for TWO men (because under their union agreement they have the RIGHT to request separate accomodations any time they have to be put up in hotels). I asked Manager if Guy3 was staying and if I needed three rooms rather than 2 rooms, but I was told TWO rooms over and over.

At 10 to 5pm CoWorker manages to find a place that has 2 rooms available Tuesday night through Friday morning and we book the rooms.

Cut to tuesday morning….

I am 5 minutes late for work, I have a throbbing sinus headache and my chest is constricted with asthma related issues, and I’m not in a good mood. I come in to say hello to Manager and I am asked what the accomodations are for the three guys.

Um. You said TWO rooms. CoWorker and I booked TWO rooms. I reminded him that I had asked if he needed THREE rooms, and if Guy3 was staying the week with the other 2… but Manager got angry and told me to get out of his office he was ‘having a mad’.

So was I, by this point.

So Manager says “well, we’ll send them all home then” and tells me to cancel the rooms that we do have booked.

I’m not stupid enough to DO that (thank the gods) because I know full well that he’s still intending to send Guy1, Guy2 and Guy3 to work.

And sure enough, they all come in to ask about accomodations. With Manager, CoWorker, Guy 2, and Guy 3 standing there with Foreman and DD I explain that I have booked rooms in SmallTown for Guy1 and Guy2, but that I was not aware that Guy3 was staying this week. Guy3 looks at me and tells me that he was there last night, and I explain, again, that I had asked if he was staying and I was told no, but I will do my best to get him a room somewhere so he can stay too…

And Guy1 starts bitching at me because the NICE room that he stayed in the night before had been booked as a NON-SMOKING room and that he NEEDED a smoking room and that “next time you book things for me book only smoking room”…

(((breathe)))

So all morning I phone around the small towns looking for any place within reasonable distance to the city that might have room for Guy3.

And I don’t find anything.

At 2pm I get a call from Foreman. He asks where Guy3 is staying, because they are shutting down the job and coming back and he wants to know where to drop Guy3 off. And I tell him, that I haven’t found anything for him yet and I am still trying to find ANYWHERE for him to go because I haven’t been given enough time to get things in order.

And I get attitude, because obviously phoning half the hotels and motels in the province trying to get a SMOKING, single room when there is are 1) Huge concert events going on in the city, 2) there are trades conferences going on in the city, and 3) none of the hotel contacts I have can find spare rooms in their networks is so freaking easy that I must be an idiot because I can’t do it.

I hung up on them.

I don’t have to deal with verbal abuse, actually.

And I keep calling around and looking online, hoping that if I change nights or somethign I can find a place to book for at least PART of the week for this guy. And I’m in the process of trying to find partial accomodations for Guy3 when the men return.

Only to be told that Guy2 and Guy3 went out to the booked accomodations and now it is Guy1 that I have to book a room for.

GAH!!!!!

And to make matters worse now I have a bunch of guys all trying to figure out what the hell is going on… and I’m TRYING to explain to CoWorker and Manager that all is not all “well”, that we’re still needing to find one room for one guy…. now its just that Guy3 decided (after being told POINT FREAKING BLANK that HE (not Guy1) needed to return to the shop because I was STILL working on getting him a room) to scoop the room on me and cause more trouble.

And they are ALL talking over me, as usual. Making freaking demands and specific requests…

They’re lucky I haven’t taken off my boot and smacked one of them by now. I am ready to make Manager go to Canadian Tire to buy an air mattress and sleeping bag for Guy1 and he can freaking just SLEEP on the floor in the shop!!!

And Manager manages to convince Guy1 that either he shares a room with Guy3 or he goes home (and home=no work, which =NO MONEY) because there are no more rooms in the city or surrounding areas….

((((SCREAM))))

OTHER Work issues???

Policies have changed on me again from the SCM department. So all the chasing and nagging and work that I have done to get things set up so that our subcontractors can be considered contract direct service providers????

Didn’t need to do it.

3 months of chasing people to get this done because the SCM department made it a requirement or they won’t get paid for their work????

No longer necessary.

While I was out on vacation 2 weeks ago Manager lost my mailbox key.

This weekend he lost the OTHER 2 copies of the mailbox key.

Now we need to have our mailbox lock replaced and new keys made up.

Only Manger never bothered to change the name on the mailbox account from the original company (that my company bought out) and so when I went to do this change the CanadaPost Employee just gave me the look of utter confusion.

Seems I am not authorized to get the mail, either…

I just want to go home. My head hurts, my chest hurts, I want to cry and drink copious amounts of really strong coffee and veg out in front of the tv or talking to a friend.

I want to be warm and snuggled up to someone (I’ll have to settle for the cats) and not worry about work or furniture or what is going to happen tomorrow.

But that’s not my life, after all.

So I will order my satellite system and try to catch S online and have a really long hot shower and hope that the incoming warm front (apparently in a few days it will be in the positive degree range) will STOP causing my sinuses to bang loudly against my skull….

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day???

posted under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

How its going

February22
Okay… so I didn’t manage to write all that much last week, which was likely good because by the friday before I went on “vacation” I started to have shooting pains in my right wrist whenever I typed. 
And you know, when typing and writing are so vitally important to you, that kinda sucks. So for the most part I did not do any writing this week. 
Instead I spent MOST of the week with RGG and all the kids.
And you know? I’m STILL not sure with him.
I mean, I love him, and I am attracted to him and I feel really good about things with him. For the most part I haven’t tried to do a lot of communicating with him lately, just letting things go as they go, and I think that the biggest issue is that I am overthinking things with “us”…
So my goal for the next while (at least the next month as I go through the upheaval of my house selling and finalizing the divorce and attempting to figure out my taxes and stuff) I am determined to just let things happen as they happen and not push anything. Which means:
  • I am not going to be phoning him during the weeks. Now, I know that that means that I will likely not have any contact at all with him (he is saying his internet is down and his phone line is down) unless he calls me…
  • I will reply to texts, but I will not initiate them.
I went into this dating thing with no expectations, no real belief that I would meet someone special, and now I am a bit shocked at having met someone. The thing is, I know very well that we’re just in the infatuation stage now, and that things will not continue to be “good” all the time or for very much longer. I already have some signs that he might not be as interested in me as I am in him, and I do NOT want my heart broken this easily. But I am also not ready, or able, to get more serious with him than we have become. 
This is likely for the best.
So, I’m going to back off a bit and focus on the things that I need to get done in my life, and if he’s willing to continue to be there for me and with me when things are all worked out, I am sure we will have a future.
In other news:
  1. The Stalker decided to start up again. Someone gave him my phone number (and that means there is someone out there who I can’t really trust, because I only gave my number out to CLOSE friends and my landlord and family members!!). Last Sunday, while I was waiting for RGG and his daughter, C, to come over after supper, Stalker came by  my apartment with a box of stuff (none of which I needed OR wanted from him) which he dropped off on my back doorstep. THEN he texted me. And he phoned a few times. I haven’t replied to the text. I am not answering the phone when he calls. I don’t want any communication with him. I don’t want a friendship with him. I just want him to leave me alone.
  2. The Ex says he saw the Stalker drive through my back alley when he came to pick up the kids. I hope that the Stalker doesn’t think that he should confront me about my choices in my love life. I have made a police report to the effect that I have asked this person not to contact me and he has still been by my home.
  3. I was worried all week that the Stalker was watching me. For the most part it has made me feel nervous. Now I am feeling more PISSED OFF and if he tries I will be giving him a piece of my mind.
  4. The house sale has gone through. All we are waiting on is TheEx to move out. Then we assess the damages and what gets paid out and how much is left to deal with. I have decided on a plan of action with this stuff… and a back up plan too…
  5. I will be getting the remainder of the furniture from theEx. I am going to see if he will give me back my Starbucks cup collection as well. Can’t hurt to ask. It will feel GOOD to have more than 1 love seat to sit on in my house. AND it will be good to have the kids sleeping on real beds rather than air matresses as well. I have a few  more things I need to purchase, but it doesn’t seem so completely overwhelming anymore
  6. I am actually looking FORWARD to the future, rather than dreading it. I have a feeling that RGG will be in my life for at least the forseeable future, I have plans with the kids and with friends, I have goals to work towards… I know that things will be good.
Other than that… things are just plodding along. I am going to try to fill my days these next 2 weeks so I don’t feel so lonely without RGG, try to back off a bit and not be so needy (laugh), and get my life back in order. I have got to get back to the gym a bit more than I have been… :)
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

Oh the places you will go

January20
I am happy that my life is no longer in a permanent holding pattern, and that there is an end date to this process. I am starting my life again, in a very real sense, and I am feeling so much better about things now than I did 3 years ago, 2 years ago, 1 year ago, even 6 months ago…
 
So much has changed, and, especially in the last 3 months, changed for the BETTER. I have been doing a great deal of personal WORK, quietly, privately, and with passion and enthusiasm, which is getting me over the blocks that I have been holding me back for the last few years. I have worked consistently on getting back on track with my personal goals, I have been looking into my values, I have finally let go of other people’s perceptions of me, and I am HAPPY.
 
These are the things that make me HAPPY:
  1. having my children with me
  2. watching my kittens chase each other 
  3. writing on my blog
  4. writing in a blank book
  5. water colour pencils
  6. printer that prints  photos, so I can scrapbook (when I have the time and space)
  7. having the Really Great Guy in my life
  8. my sex life :)
  9. having an idea of what will happen with the divorce
 
Divorce trumps separation…
 
The next few weeks I am sure I will have more information on the agreements from my lawyer, as they have to be written up, reviewed, and signed off by both parties (likely in triplicate or more) and then sent through the court process. I am lucky in that we agreed that the divorce will trump the separation agreement (in that I don’t have to wait for the court to process the separation agreement BEFORE I can apply for the divorce paper) and that it might be well and truely done (at least in that aspect) in a few weeks.
 
Hope springs eternal…
After that… well there is only the glorious hope that the house sells and that I can get out from under a bunch of debt… rather than walking away with more debt than I can ever support and hoping that I can avoid bankruptcy. I don’t know the liklihood of that. All I can do is hope that eventually people want to buy homes again and that there is less pressure on top of me.
 
Cry FREEDOM…
I am hopeful that there is freedom on the other front as well. I know that the person in question has a relationship right now, and I think i have made it clear that I do NOT feel that I am comfortable hearing his version of how things are going have gone, should have gone… etc. I know, from the few emails I have had from him lately (on the nice side of things) that he feels that he has been wronged because he wants a friendship and I do not want that right now, that I feel that his view of who I am and what I want, my values, my ideals and really my interests are skewed. It’s so awkward for me, because I want to believe… but the games that have been played on his side to get my attention have driven me further away from EVER wanting to talk to him again.
 
I won’t respond to him. I know better now. I just hope that the last phone conversation, in which I stated that I did not want to be his friend and that I didn’t want to talk to him would have made that clear. But I don’t think that it does.
 
I do wonder, though, what someone like that thinks they are accomplishing when they are unwanted or they start to become unwanted and they STILL push for “friendship” or something of the like? When you need space and someone doesn’t give it to you, but instead asks for you to listen to them discuss all the reasons why you are 1) a bitch, 2) wrong, 3) failing, or 4) a bad person/friend over and over… well… what does it give them?
 
Failures and personal communication breakdown…
I think that if I had been allowed to grieve for my past — the failure of my marriage, the failure of my ideals, the reality that I am NOT a 23 year old girl anymore and I can’t just go back to being that person in ANY aspect of my life, that I have done wrong by myself and other people, and that I have fallen into something with someone who makes me UNCOMFORTABLE – I might have been more able to come back and try to be his friend after the process of grieving was worked through.
 
It isn’t that I don’t realize I did things incorrectly with Stalker… its that I felt extreme PRESSURE when I was with him, and the communication was not what EITHER of us needed.
  • I felt personally ATTACKED whenever he “confronted” me with his feelings. It was his manner of bringing things up or his tone or his sense of urgency or panic or even the fact of the words he chose. And because I felt that there was a personal attack in his communications (because, quite often there WAS), I either reacted to that, or shrunk back into myself and didn’t respond. Which pushed buttons and caused MORE of the same from him.
  • HE, on the other hand, wanted more communication on HIS schedule and was offended that I didn’t respond in a like manner or have the same set of priorities (often my children would come before him, whereas he felt that if I needed him he’d have put me before his child… one thing that always sort of bothered me. My children, being children, are not able to take care of themselves yet and so if I need to I will put off ANYONE until they are taken care of, and yes, that INCLUDES not interrupting their bedtime routine to “talk” to someone about something that is NOT an EMERGENCY, I expect adults are able to care for their own emotional needs for 30 extra minutes if need be — UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY.)
  • We didn’t share feelings, in the most basic sense of that statement. He felt one way, I did NOT feel that way. I admit it is a frustrating situation and it was accacerbated by my confusion having come out of a bad situation and decompressing from THAT situation WHILE trying to determine what to do with a NEW situation.  So, my not KNOWING how I felt about him made things WORSE because I. DID. NOT. KNOW.
    • he was in love with me, something he never hid, and from my recollection that started prior to us actually starting out on any sort of relationship. I was NOT in love with him, I was not in love with STBX, I was just in a place where I was very unsure and very confused about feelings.
      • should i have gotten involved with him? NO. 100% NO! Did I? Yes. But I warned him right off the start that I didn’t think that I was ready yet and that I felt the need to have more space.
  • When I finally realized things I was unable to put into words what was wrong, what I really thought and felt. The feelings were very new to me, as I hadn’t really felt much of anything for the entirity of the process.
  • He had expectations of me — in that I either loved or would grow to love him, and that his sacrifices for me would keep me with him. And he was hurt and ‘betrayed’ when the guilt did NOT keep me with him, and further pushed me away from him.
 
Exploration is good for the soul…
 
So, why do I even LOOK at what went wrong there?
 
Well… because I find myself in a NEW relationship, with a new man who is completely unlike anyone else I have ever dated and whom I KNOW I have shared feelings with. And I don’t want to start off with bad communication patterns. I know that I have tended to communicate on a different level or just shut off in stressful situations, and because I want this to work out, I am woking on getting my communication patterns in a better order.
 
Pam’s Life Lessons…
  • Its okay to have different priorities, as long as they are communicated effectively
  • sometimes feelings aren’t clear
  • rebound relationships happen, they suck, but they are part of life. Forgive yourself and move on
  • sometimes you just can’t please everyone, try to be the best person you can be anyway
  • you can’t always be friends with your ex… and sometimes if you CAN you will disagree about the past…
  • communication takes both parties to understand what each other needs and not force the issues out into the open
  • being forced leads to stuckification
 
 
 
 
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »
« Older Entries

This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (7 year old son, 5 year old daughter). I am a Solitary Wiccan. I am walking a Pagan Path. I am separated and going through a divorce. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path. 

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, massive multi-user online role playing games (WOW, Second Life), kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


Follow me!!


By TwitterIcon.com
Subscribe in a reader

Subscribe via email update

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

The Freak Manifesto

Click here to download your copy of the Freak Manifesto

Things I am up to right now!

52 WEEKS TO AWESOME!!!

The Next Chapter: The HAPPY BOOK
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group

Goddess Leonie’s Wonderful Goddess School!!


Click here to view more details


2010 Goddess Workbook!
Goddess Leonie's Guide to 2010 Goodness!!

Categories

Calendar Widget

March 2010
M T W T F S S
« Feb    
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031