Frozen Nowhere

This is the story of how I am feeling right now…

I am overwhelmed right now.

 I feel like I can’t possibly get it all done, I don’t have the tools (as in power tools and implements) to get things fixed and take things apart and just making sure things are the way they need to be for me to get them OUT of the house.  I need to take apart both beds that the kids are in now – which were put together with electric drills. I need to take apart the futon I sleep on to get it out of my room. I need to take apart the desk in my room. I need to touch up paint.…

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to…

But my brain ate it.
 
So… last night, about 1:30am or 2am, I was jolted awake by the “beep-beep-beep” and rumbling buzz of my phone signaling that I had received a text message.
 
Now… I don’t know about all of YOU (all 1-6 people who have in passing read this blogity-autobiographical rambling mess that signifies my life) out there in happy-internet-blog-land… but I tend to be ASLEEP, in BED, with my 2 felines well before 1am on a weekday.
 
Why?
 
Because, dear readers (snicker) I, like many other people in their mid-30s with debt to pay off and children to keep in clothing, shoes, food, and toys, have what is colloquially called a “real job”. Which means that on weeknights

…

So… its been a while. 
 
My life kinda took a sideways slide last week, which was freaky, scary, unfortunate, and really made me not want to write anything about anything.
 
It took a LOT of talking to the people who matter the most to me, confiding in those I love, and some professional information and advice… but perspective has now been gained.
 
Things are not COMPLETELY resolved… there is still a giant question mark hanging over some aspects of my life, there are still fragments of my relationships that either can or cannot be repaired.
 
For one thing, I do not really know where I stand with RGG right now… but then again, I never

…

I’ll live… maybe…
 
This week has been the worst week that i have been able to think of since the week I left theEx and lived in fear of what was going to happen to me and my children, which was blissfully topped off by being fired without cause from the job I loved (and where I had a support network of other people who had gone through the same kind of thing)…
 
Yeah. I feel like I am in hell this week.
 
It doesn’t help that I am entirely and utterly ALONE right now. I could use a hug in the worst way, to be touched and held so that I don’t feel like I am completely unlovable.
 
Right now I

…