This is the story of how I am feeling right now…

I am overwhelmed right now.

 I feel like I can’t possibly get it all done, I don’t have the tools (as in power tools and implements) to get things fixed and take things apart and just making sure things are the way they need to be for me to get them OUT of the house.  I need to take apart both beds that the kids are in now – which were put together with electric drills. I need to take apart the futon I sleep on to get it out of my room. I need to take apart the desk in my room. I need to touch up paint. I need to replace a doorframe. I need to take down blinds/shades. I need to disassemble things to be returned.

I feel like I can’t get it all done, I just don’t have the time. With only 24 hours in a day, and 8 of them sleeping, and about 10 of them at work, and 2 or 3 taken up with after work activities and obligations, I often feel like I am about 10 steps behind. I feel panicky.

I feel like I don’t know what to do. I need to pack. I need to clean. I need to go through cupboards and shelves and closets (again) and pack what I want to take and toss/donate what I don’t have a use for anymore.  I need to organize. I need to plan. I need to get boxes. I need to get containers.

I need to arrange assistance. I need to make sure that the people who have said they will help WILL help, and won’t back out at the last minute, leaving me in a lurch. I need to have a backup in case they DO leave me in a lurch. I simply CANNOT move heavy things myself…

I need to shovel the walk, I need to clean out the parking area. I need to make sure they stay clear (and not covered in dog shit) so that it is as easy as possible for anyone who might be persuaded to help me to move to HELP me move.

I need to arrange someone to move my satellite dish. I need to arrange someone to install internet. I need to let the utilities know I am moving.

I need to clean things. I need to get all the food out of the fridge and freezer and clean the whole thing. I need to wash the floors and the cupboards and behind the stove. I need to sweep and mop and scrub… and I need to get it done BEFORE my landlords come in to inspect.

I need to survive until this can be done… I need a way to move things in such a way that I can still clean…

I need to provide pictures to my landlords BY MONDAY so they can get new tenants.

I need to find a way to feed my family while I am in the process of moving, balancing out the amount of dishes we make and therefore the mess in the kitchen, but also being aware that eating out will blow the budget that is BARELY balanced now.  I can’t keep making food and cleaning over and over while trying to get everything done at home and outside the home.

I need to wash everything. I need to arrange for help. I need help. I so TOTALLY need help.  And I have been told that there is no point in asking my family, because my mother booked her vacation in Arizona before I move and therefore needs to work all that week AND has to babysit my brother’s cat.

I need to pick colours for the rooms. I need to pick which rooms are the highest priority in case I need to change my move plans to get the big things moved out and so I can clean the current place before I have to be out. I need to remember that while it might be easier to get things done in the new place before there is furniture in the rooms, it is also absolutely ESSENTIAL that I get the stuff moved to the new place, and if that means having to not do as much in the new place as I wanted, so be it. I can’t afford to pay another month’s rent to get it all done…

I need to get things done. I need to stop being afraid. I need to know that it will be okay. I need to know that I am supported and that it isn’t impossible. I need boxes. I need movers… I need safety.

I need to sleep without fear for one night. Just one.

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to show some interest.

So, through type, the way the relationship started, it ended. With a whimper, not a bang. There was no fighting, no tears, no harsh words or recriminations. It just wasn’t anymore and we both knew it hadn’t BEEN for months. 

ALONE again

There were no tears. I didn’t expect any. After all, he hadn’t called much, he had stopped texting me months ago. I was feeling used and unwanted and I knew I had to end it. And yet, at the point of ending, when it truly hit home that he didn’t have any interest in fighting to stay with me? It hurt… a lot.

I sat, alone, on my couch staring at the closed computer, wishing desperately that I could run off and be supported by a friend or two.  But there is not one friend out there I knew I could call to ease the pain.

Not one.

Not one person who would listen and hold me.

Not one person I could call on the phone.

Not one person who would even be mildly supportive via text.

 The dark thoughts started to take over:

I am utterly and completely alone in this world now. I mean, I have my cats, and I have my kids… but I have to be strong for THEM, I am their support network they are not there to be mine. That makes the feeling of emptiness all the harder to face, somehow. I can’t crumble, because there won’t be anyone there to help pick up the pieces, and my kids NEED me. Without them I might as well not exist anymore… and that really is the truth of the matter now.

Not one person, besides my children, would miss me if something bad happened to me. It could be 2 weeks before anyone cared to seek me out, if anything happened. I’d bet that my cats would just happily chew on me… after all, my daughter tells me I am made of meat.

Only a few days ago there was someone who might have pretended to care. I know he didn’t, not really, not anymore… but the illusion was there

There is no illusion anymore.  

R is no longer someone who would care for me, who I could call. He no longer wanted me. And there was emptiness in my soul, there was a pain in my heart, there was gloom. There was utter and complete loneliness in the darkness and quiet in my house. Sitting in the dark and quiet feeling desperate to talk to SOMEONE, realizing that there was no one I could think of that I could lean against right now.

I felt disconnected from everyone.

I know that this is my own fault, not knowing quite how to make friends with new people, not knowing how to connect to people, how to stay connected… for being so introverted and hidden and afraid that now I am alone in a big, wide, TERRIFYING world, when what I need is support and caring and to be touched and connected to again.

My loneliness is MY fault

I don’t know how to change any faster than I am! I am unhappy feeling friendless. I am unhappy being disconnected from the larger community… and I know this feeling is motivating me to CHANGE how I approach social situations.

I can’t hide so much. So much of my life has been lived in fear – afraid of being punished, afraid of being “bad”, afraid to rock the boat, afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to be rejected – and it has been very hard to overcome my natural desire to hide who I really AM. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what everyone ELSE wants from me that my own MEness has been pushed aside in hopes that THIS time I’m doing it right.

But you know what? I’m okay the way I am.  Sure there are things I want to change, ways I want to grow… but I’m a good person and maybe, just maybe, if I let people see ME they might like me.  And if they don’t like me, then they aren’t my RIGHT PEOPLE (thanks Havi).

I don’t have to be a teetotaler to be “good enough” or “spiritual enough” (thanks Pace!), it only matters WHY I choose to drink or not drink

If I want a tattoo I can get one, there is nothing wrong with being a “freak”… freaks are some of the greatest people I have met so far (and just having a tattoo doesn’t make one a freak…) (Thanks Pace AND Kyeli).

If I want to write, who cares if I suck? If I am silly sometimes does that mean I can never be serious? If I get hurt, if I cry, if I am terrified… is that really such a bad thing? Can’t I reach out when I feel this low without worrying that asking for help will be annoying or bothersome to someone? And if it is, do I really want people like that in my life?

I just don’t know where to START!!

• I write, but I don’t know if anyone reads (is anyone OUT THERE?? And if you are, do you know how to get my analytics to work? Or how to upgrade my WordPress since it keeps nagging me to do it?)
•  I try to comment on other blogs, although for the most part I am a lurker mostly because I read on RSS feed rather than visiting blogs.
• I am involved in Boy Scouts,
• I’m taking a dance class,
• I joined a support group (Beyond Abuse),
•  I think I got talked into a local writer’s group.

Any other ideas of how to build relationships (both online and offline) that are flexible and inexpensive?

I cannot survive ALONE anymore. I am a social creature…