Frozen Nowhere

Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a…

 What I feel needs to be changed: I want to live a more conscious life

What I realized was hurting me

Having spent the holiday/fallow season (Samhain to Yule, for those non-Pagans) in a lot of conscious thought about my life, as it was, and what I wanted to go forward… I have realized a LOT about the patterns that I fall into in my life. And the biggest pattern, by far, is not OWNING my own journey in this life.

I have been a passenger in my life!

And that CAN’T be good.

What I mean by this is this – I avoided making my own decisions many times. Why? That’s really the question here. Sometimes I…

Inevitably sometime around this time of year SOMEONE asks me what I might want for “Christmas”*… and I always draw a blank.
 
I’m 35 years old now. No one gives me gifts (for the most part) anymore… I don’t have a husband to give me presents, and my family has pretty much decided that anything I want I can damned well buy myself. So I don’t usually get gifts anymore…
 
When I was younger I used to always have a list of things that I wanted, from the small things like boxes of paperclips (I was always an odd child) to grander things (like adventures) it was an ongoingly updated jumble in the back of whatever journal I

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Can you tell that I am crazy about this guy? I mean, right from the first time I met him in person (since we had talked online, due to family circumstances and schedules, for a month before we met, and I had already really clicked with him that way so I knew that at the VERY least we’d be friends… and I am glad that we are friends and MORE now), and we clicked right from the start. I have been so much happier with everything since I met him, and now that I think that we are committed to only seeing each other I feel so much more relaxed in my life too — I like who I am now, and I

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So… we settled in the room for a bit. Since i had spent 2 days wandering the city and not managing to hit either a Tim Hortons OR a Starbucks (even though I waited for my parents outside Tim’s for 15 mins!) G and I decided to make coffee while we got everything in order. I realized, pretty quickly, that I had forgotten GirlChild’s bathing suit at home… along with the toothbrushes and toothpaste and hairbrushes… and my contact things… so I turned on the tv for the kids, found a kid show, and trundled off into the absolutely terrifyingly COLD weather to pick up the remaining stuff from my house.
 
I grabbed everything I thought I could possibly

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