I try to live my life in the open… mostly.

I try to be open to myself, open to the world, open to people.  I try not to hide who I am here.

But I still have been having a very difficult time getting to know other people in my real life.  In the past I have often felt very disconnected, cut off, unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. In short, I often felt LONELY.

Loneliness is not necessarily being ALONE

In the past I believed (wrongly) that my worth as a woman was determined by my ability to get a man. When I was with someone I gave up everything I was to try and be who that person wanted, whether that was “me” or not, and this often led me choosing men that were not compatible and with the men I was with treating me poorly (or maybe they wanted someone who would put up with their bullshit and they looked for the compliant, people-pleasing girls who would do ANYTHING for them??).   When I was not attached to a man I didn’t feel like I fit into the world – social life was very much a “couples” arena where the single people were gawked at as there was something “wrong” with them – and I would become desperate to find SOMEONE to like me.

I was pretty and lively and wonderful, but I believed boyfriends (and husband) who told me that I wasn’t – ugly, plain, boring, bitchy, frigid, slutty, fat, scrawny, flat-chested, stupid, moron, useless, unlovable… — because I based my worth on what the men in my life told me, and with how much I pleased them.  I was TERRIFIED of “ending up alone”.

I’m not going to go on about the hows and whys of getting into abusive relationships here – if you have been unlucky enough to find yourself involved in an abusive situation you know how hard it is to explain why you not only didn’t SEE it but why it was so freaking hard to get OUT of once you were in – but I do believe that the isolation that was caused by being involved in domestic/partner abuse helped solidify the pattern of jumping from one man to the next to the next in hopes that THIS relationship would magically be different, that it would be that perfect thing that fulfilled me.

Instead I went through one relationship after another that just left me HURT, confused, unloved, and profoundly LONELY. I put up with being called names, being told I was unlovable, useless, frigid, unloving, unkind, and that I wanted to be abused*.
*the ironic part was that while he was telling me that I WANTED to be abused, I was trying to get away from the “perfect” way he was treating me that I thought was abuse and HE thought was how a real loving, respectful relationship was supposed to be!

I would go from ONE abusive relationship that left me feeling lonely and unfulfilled to ANOTHER abusive, lonely, unfulfilling relationship… filling my life with the trying to make someone else love me enough to make me believe I was worthy.

And then something CHANGED

It’s hard to pin point WHAT exactly changed. I was with TheNoodle (R ), so it wasn’t like I was really a single woman who learned to be happy with her singlehood.  All I remember was a gradual sense of dissatisfaction with the way things were going with TheNoodle and trying to determine if this was really what I wanted in my life, if this was going to be “as good as it gets” was it gonna be better than being alone.

A radical change happened there, did you see it?  I was looking to see what I wanted out a relationship, and I actually balanced the idea of being ALONE against being stuck in yet another unfulfilling relationship!

I started to look at what I had in my life, my goals, my dreams… my potential. For the first time in my life I looked at how the relationship I found myself in with TheNoodle and placed it against the life I wanted to make for myself. And in EVERY aspect of my life I was better off WITHOUT TheNoodle — financially, socially, physically, sexually, spiritually, emotionally, with my family, with friends, with the kids, intellectually. He wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t violent… but he wasn’t worth the time and energy I put into him.

I started to realize that I was truly FREE to make my life my own, and to make it all I dreamed for myself and my children. I was no longer held back, I could make things HAPPEN if I wanted them to…

But not with TheNoodle holding me back.

I wanted to own a home.

I wanted to travel.

I wanted a good relationship with my kids.

I wanted to explore my spirituality.

I wanted to try new flavours, recipes, activities, experiences.

I wanted to be active

I want to LIVE my life. I want to EXPERIENCE. I want to PARTICIPATE in my life. I want to CONNECT, SHARE, and EXPERIMENT.

And when I stood back and really LOOKED at what I had gotten myself into with TheNoodle? Well… it was not gonna get me anywhere near the life I wanted.

And after thinking about it for MONTHS I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted a relationship with him:

He wasn’t good enough for ME, it had nothing to do with me not being good enough for HIM.

He wasn’t worth my time and attention, my care, or my money. I could no longer JUSTIFY the mental, physical, emotional or FINANCIAL burden that he (and his kids) had become on my life.

My attitude changed for the better

Instead of focusing every night on how lonely I was and how upset I was that TheNoodle wasn’t honouring my feelings and needs in the relationship, I was actively doing things that I enjoyed. Instead of worrying about talking to him I was happy about being left to think for myself. Instead of wanting to see him, I found myself unhappy when he and his kids asked to visit and take up my precious free time.

I let it go.

I let go the idea that to be happy and fulfilled i NEEDED a relationship with a man.

I let go the idea that I couldn’t do things for myself, with myself, and by myself and feel “right”.

I started to focus on becoming comfortable with me.

I made a commitment to MYSELF to change the things in my life that I wasn’t happy with, and make them MINE again.

I’m not always SURE… but I know a few things right now:

• I am taking a sabbatical from dating/relationships to work on finding my OWN light
• I am focusing on my relationships with myself, my kids and my Gods
• I need time ALONE to focus on my own private work
• Sometimes the best thing I can do is housework or solitary chores
• I know when I need to be with others, I know when I need to work on solitary things
• Its okay to be a “Heartless Bitch” and enforce healthy boundaries

One thing I learned, long ago, is that all action starts with the idea… the thought-form that you transform through pure will and guts to produce something physical. Sometimes, though, I think that my professor (all those long long years ago) missed something essential.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Change is epiphany motivated, that spiritual call or push or yearning that gets you thinking about WHY things are the way they are. It has always been the brilliant flashes out of nowhere, the soul sparks, and the sudden realizations that have lead to determining what lead to the state of affairs in which you find your life. They are the tiny squiggles of pure happiness as you realize new ways of looking at and doing things that guide you in the direction of change.

Cause and Effect are not always CLEAR in our lives

It is easy to get so caught up in EVERYTHING that we miss the connections between parts of our lives. Consequences sometimes feel like “karma” – the actions seem far removed from the resulting effect – and we keep doing the same things over and over. The patterns are created in our lives, road maps and recipes for activities, and it isn’t until something gives us pause to reflect that we see how these rote actions really affect us.

When a pattern starts causing a problem we seek answers

As long as things seem to be working away as we expect them to (good OR bad) we don’t pay attention to the patterns and assumptions that we make about ourselves, our choices, or our lives. It’s not always immediately clear that we are doing the same things over and over in our lives, causing the same things to happen over and over, until we finally notice “this has happened before”.

Epiphanies are sometimes described as lightning bolt moments, something so life altering that we just have to sit up and take notice. But epiphanies can be gentle, tiptoe to awareness, tap on the shoulder, a gentle hug or a shift of awareness that sidles up to you and infuses you with a need. They are our soul’s way of telling us that we need to slow down and take a look at what’s happening – and if all else fails our souls will try the “burning bush” approach that will DEFINITELY get our attention.

Sometimes we don’t accept the news until it beats us over the head with the obvious stick.

Lately my life has been ruled by a lot of sudden epiphanies – some subtle nudges, others more of the beat-over-the-head obviousness type – which have radically changed my personal life direction. I recognized that for years I have been rushing through my life, stressing about the things that I thought really mattered, trying desperately to make myself fit in SOMEWHERE… ANYWHERE, and I was so busy trying to cram the square-peg of my life into the round holes around me, that I wasn’t aware that I had tried the same thing over and over, always with eerily similar results.

What is that quote that everyone uses? Oh, yeah:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. (Albert Einstein) 

No wonder it was “crazy making” I was unconsciously leading myself around in circles, starting and ending in the same spots, and yet kicking myself for the very fact that I had not gotten anywhere. Every repeat of the pattern brought the similar results, and every time I would curse my “luck”… and then do it again.

Until, sitting with myself and listening to my soul-voice one night, I realized that there was a PATTERN there, and that I wasn’t learning my lesson and changing what I was doing. I realized that I was drifting through my life thinking that I had not been making decisions or choosing a path, but unconsciously I was just living out a pattern over and over…

AND GETTING THE SAME MISERABLE RESULTS!

Awareness of a pattern is just the FIRST step. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that noticing that there is a pattern at work is the same as solving the issue! It’s not as simple as that!

Once a painful pattern (because, obviously, if the pattern is working FOR us there is much LESS need to delve into what it is doing) becomes obvious to our conscious minds, it is necessary to observe the history of this pattern in our lives. Although this might sound like a waste of time, after all you now SEE that there is a pattern of behavior there, but reviewing past behavior not only reinforces the pattern in your mind, but might actually lead back to when the pattern STARTED.

For me the biggest epiphanies happen once I notice WHERE a pattern started and HOW I can do things differently. There isn’t much point in seeing a pattern if you are just going to keep repeating it because you don’t fully understand WHY you do things the way you do? The whole point is to see what needs to or can be done differently, make the change, and see the different results.

So how DO you go about finding the source of the pattern?

I don’t believe that my behavioral patterns are rooted in my DNA, or that they are a foregone conclusion set about at the moment of my birth by some divine plan. As a student of the social sciences I know that we are creatures of both nature (DNA, hormones, etc) and nurture (past, family, society) that sometimes makes untangling the knots of patterns extraordinarily difficult. Not IMPOSSIBLE, just difficult.  Sometimes it isn’t necessary to go all the way back, sometimes it is. Sometimes we need to understand the traumas that led to choosing to do things one way or another… sometimes it’s enough to know that there IS a pattern and that it has been repeating itself so that we can move on.

For myself, the process of finding the patterns (and the pattern sources) involves writing.

• I journal,
•  I blog,
•  I scribble madly,
•  I consult the tarot (and note it down),
•  I look back at past journal entries and blog posts,
• I ask friends and family.
• I make mind maps.
• I draw connections between words.
•  I create networks in my books… and pathways in my neural networks.
• I draw timelines.
•  I note trends in events.
• I use calendars to visualize time and events
• I note how I react to other people (journaling)

And I see how things relate, what events are similar every time (therefore part of the pattern), and which things vary (and therefore either part of other patterns or not necessary for the pattern). I then FEEL my way through the pattern, to see where the “red flags” came up, and what they were, and how they felt.

It is a process of trusting yourself, even retroactively.

And I see what happened, over and over. It hits me. Not just intellectually, but emotionally and, often, physically. And I suddenly BELIEVE the pattern is real.

Because I believe I can find patterns I also believe I can change the patterns.

The realization of what needs to change, what has been going wrong, and that you really can change  the pattern is the grain of the epiphany (an epiphany seed, if you will). For me (and YMMV) the power of the epiphany is not so much in the new realization, as in the new realization that THINGS CAN CHANGE… that the force of Will (mindful determination/intention) can change things in my life.

I am not powerless to a force greater than myself… not for MOST things anyway.

I am working on myself and finding my way through the maze of things I want to change in my life. Right now there are days where it seems NOTHING is right at all, where all I see are the patterns staring me straight in the face and telling me “you can’t change who you are”. I’m working on self-empowerment, and it’s a long and difficult process.

My patterns have controlled me in the past, but they don’t control me anymore.

 I have patterns. I have a lot of patterns. Some days the thought of fighting against the tangle of the patterns scares the crap out of me, some days I feel so beaten down that I can barely get out of bed,  some days I want nothing more than someone to tell me they love me (and mean it, not just say it because they feel they should.

Other days I feel like I can do ANYTHING, that I can change my world for the better. That I can find love, within myself and from another person, that I can better myself and my world, that I can be a change in the world and that the changes I need to make aren’t as hard as they appeared yesterday.

It’s all a journey… (and that’s an epiphany TOO)

What I feel needs to be changed: I want to change my approach to Spirituality

What I realized was hurting me:

In the most basic sense of the word I have isolated myself from my spirituality, and I feel the keen loss and the “calling home” sense. I have to admit that it has been a LONG time since I was an active participant in my spiritual path…

I have never felt anything profound and glorious and sparkly from the “Status Quo” religions of my life –The traditional churches left me feeling… empty. At 17 I started reading everything I could find on Wicca and started putting things into practice on my own. I dedicated myself, found others of like mind, joined a local coffee meet, and started writing for a Canadian Pagan publication. I continued to celebrate on my own and with the Pagan community from the age of 17 through 23, when I got married…

to the eldest son of a FUNDAMENTALIST PENTACOSTAL Christian Minister

I thought that theEx was okay with my religion but as soon as we got engaged and started to outwardly live together it became clear that he wasn’t comfortable with me being “different. My altars were put away, my statues were taken off the mantel, all books were hidden, my pentacle necklace and earrings were replaced by crosses, and none of my friends from the Pagan community were to invited to the wedding or reception.

 TheEx slowly tried to change me by a steady formula of ridicule, humiliation, guilt, and family obligations. He was forever telling me that I would grow to see the error of my “ways”, or at least give up “this childish belief” in Wicca.

How it hurt me:

It hurt to be made to feel like a dirty little secret in my own home. I believed that this man loved me, that we were going to be partners in life, but I couldn’t stop feeling connected to Wiccan/Pagan things.

I hid my ongoing interest and participation in the Pagan community from theEx. But inevitably theEx found me out and was FURIOUS that I hadn’t really “given it up” with the threat of “when we have kids my father will use this to try and get custody if he finds out” .

I stopped going to coffees and talking to other Pagans as the pressure to be “normal” for my husband’s sake increased upon me. His career started to take off, he started to socialize more with people from work, and he didn’t want anyone to know I wasn’t “normal”.

Then I got pregnant with BoyChild. The pressure increased a hundredfold. Now, instead of ignoring me, XFIL expected me to start “towing the line” for a typical Christian wife and mother. I was no longer outside of the family structure, just a hanger-on to his son, I was now the mother of his first grandchild. I was to uphold the honor of the entire family by setting a good example attending services and being prayed over and coming into the church. TheEx continually snapped at me and threatened that if his father “found out” he had married a witch he would leave me and they would take my child from me… relying on my maternal instincts and terror in the face of someone who COULD and WOULD do anything he could to get his way…

 I fell into a deep depression. I was expected not only to attend services and rituals in a church that hurt my SOUL. I felt hopeless…

Hopeless hurts too.

I was hidden in my own home, and it was no way to live. I knew as long as I stayed I would never be free to decorate my home my own way. I would never be able to have an altar ANYWHERE in my home. I would never be free to wear personal symbols. I would not be free to discuss my opinions on religion or spirituality. I would not be free to share WHO I was and WHAT I believed with my children. I was locked inside my soul, trapped by fear of my hate-mongering xFIL coming down on me.

My Ex tried to break my spirit, but he broke our vows instead.

This 10 years of atrophied spirituality left me feeling uncertain when I was free to celebrate again. Consequently I was unable to jump right back into “Wicca” or “Paganism” and I went through a period of questioning. I had experiences with the Stalker of being pressured to be MORE Pagan and MORE open than I was ready to be, which further injured my soul, and made me further question myself. He didn’t understand, I needed to HEAL and learn to feel SAFE again.

Now I am more ready to explore what was so scary and painful for so long.

How am I going to start making changes?

Connection connection connection!!

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

I’m committing to feeling my way through this. Rather than get caught up in traditions and Paths, I am going to take a more eclectic approach and discerning what works for ME on a spiritual level. I will feed my soul what IT needs, not what makes other people happy.
 

My AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations in which I don’t automatically fall asleep. I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.So I will.

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant tear downs and questions and reasons why he didn’t like so-and-so, to avoid trouble I just stopped seeing or talking to some people.

So much of “me” changed during my marriage – I changed perspectives, I lost confidence in myself, I became a mother, I dealt with intense rejection (at home and in the arena of employment), I got a second degree, I went through turmoil having my second child, I restarted working – that by the time I “woke up” from the haze of the abuse in my marriage and got myself the hell OUTTA THERE, I felt like I was a stranger to myself.

I am seeing where fear has kept me from reaching out. I am seeing how I had internalized the abusive words, how they can float up, unbidden, and taint my new found freedoms. I am seeing how much I worry about “bothering” people, especially people I think are better than I am (my internal judgment) and how often I stop myself from asking for help, reaching out to talk to people, or joining in new activities.

I realized I have been keeping myself isolated, that I have to face the internalized judge and tell him what’s what. I isolated myself from friends. I isolated myself from family. I isolated myself from my children. I isolated myself from MYSELF. I isolated myself from the DIVINE.

How it hurts me

It HURTS to be isolated. I am the kind of person who needs balance, the extroverted introvert – the person who seeks inspiration and community, but still can enjoy time alone thinking… and needs BOTH.

I NEED other people in my life.

• I need people who will go out with me for a coffee or a walk.
• I need to talk to other people.
• I crave being introduced to new ideas.
• I need  the energy boost that comes from getting people together for a common purpose.
• I need FAMILY – both biological and created – for myself and my children. I need community.
• I need people willing to stand beside me when I have to face down my daemons, who cheer me on when I do something that might seem incredibly small and easy, but that is mind boggling for ME.
• I need people to cheer with when good things happen in the world.
• I need people to cry with me when bad things happen.
• I need people who think enough of me to come to me when they need help.
• I need community – to feel like a piece of something bigger than myself – that is out there making the world a better place.

Right or wrong, I need a place to FIT IN and be accepted and loved, so I can accept and love myself, and so I can show others that they can be accepted and loved just the way THEY are.

I have learned I don’t work as well in isolation as I do (even part time) in community with others.

How I am going to start making changes:

This is the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I need to go slow with this, and find ways to get out there and get into situations with other adults of like mind, and find ways to do it that don’t cost me a lot of money.

I know that part of it is that I have to make some changes in my life.

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been. Perhaps finding more family friendly activities? Spending time on the weekends and holidays that they have with me going to activities that they will enjoy or that stimulate them, because there WILL be other parents there too.
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class (2 classes just combined so there are new people to get to know)
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone
• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependant on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Join online groups for things that interest me
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

Why I have to make these changes

I have to take a SERIOUS look at some relationships that are holding me back. I need to examine the dynamics and patterns that are going on, and why these types of relationships (and especially allowing people to treat me these ways) are a recurring theme in my life. There is no doubt about it… I have been passive in relationships for fear of “scaring” people away by asking for what I need out of others, for fear of being “demanding” or “high maintenance”.

I have allowed other people to make the decisions of how the relationships will go, rather than looking at things and evaluating what I want. I have always gone with the flow, thinking that, especially in romantic relationships, I was “lucky” if I found someone who could accept me… and for the most part I didn’t really consider if the men in my life were good matches for ME.

When I look back on my dating history (for the most part) NOW, I see patterns that look BAD.

• I have tended to have long term relationships for the most part. Other than 3 short term things (2 in high school, one last year) my relationships tend to last a MINIMUM of 1 year.
• I start dating someone and pretty much as soon as they show interest I stop dating others and stop considering their merits for what I want.
• I tend to “go with the flow” with what my “partner” wants – if he likes sports I put up with watching constant sports, if he doesn’t like eating Chinese food I avoid eating it, if he wants to stay in all the time and never go out and do things with me I try not to complain about it – rather than finding a partner who is willing to balance with me.

Essentially, I jump in too fast, allow the man to decide almost everything (where, when, how, what) in order to keep him, fail to get my own needs met, feel frustrated at the lack of PARTNERSHIP (because I never find men I can create a partnership WITH) and stay even after I realize that things are inadequate or that there is no future with this person.

No wonder I end up with unsatisfactory relationships!!

Of course, I am usually the one making the decision to leave the relationships too… I dump, I don’t get dumped. I mean, for the most part, the guy is getting what he wants from me, its ME that is getting the shaft so of course I would be the one that sees the need to change.

My current relationship is EXACTLY in this pattern, he hasn’t expressed any interest in continuing this relationship (ie, he has stopped chatting, texting, phoning, and spending time with me one-on-one). It’s looking like time to seriously EVALUATE this, take time to myself, and decide what it is that I want before I pursue anything further. Romantic involvement takes 2, after all.

I need to do this so I will have more energy to devote to the people who DO matter – my children, my friends, my family, ME, and my soul – and find people who CONNECT to me and ADD love and value to my life rather than insecurity and sadness. I don’t need to devote time to ANYONE (in any relationship) that doesn’t nourish me, I don’t need ANYONE who doesn’t give as much as they get…

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships as well…

My AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children than on external factors. I WILL take a good long look at how my love life is going, what I want for that aspect of my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need be. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.

1. what I feel needs to be changed,
2. what I realized was hurting me
3. how it was hurting me
4. how I am going to start making changes
5. why I need to change
6. Affirmations for change to happen