OOOh… what a great question!!

I have to note that I haven’t been spending a lot of time doing things I enjoy lately. It seems that whenever I have a free moment I have been getting things done – cleaning, cooking, preparing, organizing, rearranging, working – and so when I first read this I was all  like “ooh, fold the laundry and sweep the floors”…

While I can fully recognize that I need a certain level of tidiness and housework to be done in order to have a sense of all around well being, I also need to recognize that I should not allow the guilt of what isn’t done to keep me from doing things that make me feel ALIVE.  These 2 needs constantly pull me in opposite directions, and I need to make peace and make space for each of them in my life.

How I wish to spend some time… the PRACTICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time every week going through my house for items of clutter, and releasing them into the “wild” – donating them to charity, selling them on Kijiji, throwing them away, or otherwise getting them out of my house and home space.
• I wish to spend some time every month going through recipes as well as my pantry and freezer, and making up “make ahead” meals for myself and my children so that we can stop relying on eating out so often.
• I wish to spend some time each week CLEANSING my space and making it into a reflection of ME.

How I wish to spend some time… the WHIMSICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time with each of the colours of the rainbow… I want to get intimate with colours in all varieties – spreading them out in my art journal – and release the fear of being too bold or brash or other negative words.
• I wish to spend some time journaling every day, before my kids get up or after they go to bed.
• I wish to spend more time UNPLUGGED.
• I wish to spend some time submerged in an experience every month.

What do YOU wish to spend some time doing?

I seem to have fallen silent here lately, and that’s a shame because I feel like I have things to write about but not the time to write them (work has kicked up a notch and after a day on the computer I have no desire lately to spend more time online)… I assume this is a summer thing, as there are other things I am better able to do while the season is at least somewhat pleasant.

So… the question Jamie asks this week is :

What do you wish to send LOVE to?

As weird as it might seem, I wish to send love to my SELVES :

•  I wish to love the unloved child-self that never felt like she was “enough” for her family 
•  I wish to send love to my wife-self so that she can understand that it was necessary and RIGHT to have left her abusive marriage for something better. I wish for her to love herself because she was strong enough to leave, instead of hating herself for staying so long or not staying longer.
• I wish to send love to my mother-self so that she forgives herself for not the mistakes she (and wife-self) has made with the kids. I wish for her to understand that kids want her TIME and ATTENTION, not objects and clutter and detritus. I want her to forgive the “imperfections” and “issues” that other people point to in her children, and help her to see the beautiful shining souls that are just waiting to come forth in her children. I want her to love what she does do instead of hating herself for the things she can’t do. 
•  I wish to send love to my lover self so she understands that to love someone doesn’t mean to lose the self in him or allow him to walk all over her 
•  I wish to send love to my future self, so she can see that the “mistakes” of her life were fated necessity… I wish her to love the journey and to continue seeking the path because Present-Self doesn’t wish to give up trying to find her place in the world 
•  I wish to love my Present-Self. I wish to love myself, because I should. I wish to accept myself. I wish to keep cheering for myself even though I feel LOST. I wish to forgive my “flaws” and love me no matter what anyone else thinks.
• I wish to send love to my Creator-me so that she can understand that being creative is NOT about being PERFECT, it’s a fundamental need I have, and there is no “right” and “perfect” wasy to do it, nor is there an easy way to get through other than to try and try and try…

I also wish to send LOVE to:

•  My children, so they would always know that even when I am hard on them, even when I don’t give them everything they want, I love them and am willing to sacrifice to make them happy, healthy and well rounded.
• My family so they will someday be able to love and accept my life choices.
• My friends, whom I don’t get to talk to or see often due to time, energy, or distance.
•  The friends I have yet to meet, knowing that someday I will love them, its just a waiting time now.

It’s that time again, time to wishcast… come, join us at Jamie Ridler’s site

What do you wish for your space?

Since I have just moved into my own home, and I have been trying to get things all set up. I have never really had a place that was MINE. I lived with my parents, I rented, and I lived with theEx, and I rented. This is the first place that I have lived that I do NOT need to ask permission to change things around.  And yet, I hesitate to make many changes… the only rooms that were modified were the kids’ rooms, and even putting my needlework on the wall was a big step.

The SPACE I wish to change right now is my bedroom.

Unlike my kids’ rooms, my room has remained virtually untouched. The walls are still builder beige, and there is very little in the room – my bed (futon), a small used dresser with altar on top, a plastic Rubbermaid storage tub (functioning as a nightstand), a dog carrier that I have to return… and basket  chair (functioning as cat sleeping quarters and hair repository).  There are a few things in the closet, a few things under the bed. A few things on the floor…  But for the most part it is dull and Spartan and very uninspiring.

Because  it is such a monumental undertaking, I can’t conceive of changing everything at once… in steps I would like to see:

COLOUR. I want to replace the builder beige/grey colour with a bright deep green colour. I want to accessorize with colour on my sheets.

BLINDS. Right now I have homemade blue curtains on my window. While I love the colour and pattern of the fabric, there isn’t enough light blocking to keep the place cool in the summer or dark enough to sleep until a decent hour (like, past 5am). I would like to put in something a bit more functional.

BOOK SHELVES. I read. I read a lot. I have some books in my living room, and a bunch still packed away in my basement. But I would like to have a space in my room where I could pull a book from the shelf and read in comfort. I would actually like to have books and knick knacks neatly displayed in my room – craft books, reading books, self-help/creativity books, and journals. I am not sure if I want them bracketed to the wall or a shelving unit put up.

CREATIVE SPACE. One of the big things I would like to have is a place that I can take out and do my creative endeavors – I have been attempting to do art journaling recently, but I also enjoy: journaling, writing, knitting, cross stitch, sewing and scrapbooking. Just to have a desk where I could have my laptop and a printer stored inside – so I can write, blog and print off pictures – but which I can sit down to write journal entries, collage, scrapbook, or create art, if I want to. Something that is a desk/table, but also incorporates computer storage and craft supply storage as well. A place to sit and do things without worrying that someone will come along and judge.

SPIRITUAL SPACE. While having an altar on the 1’ x 1.5’ space on top of the dresser is okay, I would like to have a better space, perhaps out of leap-line for the feline-canadians residing in my home, to remind me of my spirit.

MUSIC. I moved my music player to the kitchen, because I like to listen to music while I cook or clean or be all domesticated… but right now I only have the ONE and I don’t like carting it up and down the stairs… so I want  a music player to go in my room (preferably an iPod dock).

FURNITURE. If I wasn’t on a strict budget of “don’t buy anything which isn’t strictly ESSENTIAL” for a while,  I would actually have FURNITURE in my bedroom. While my futon, dresser, packing tub, and chair are functional they do not engender a feeling of comfort and care.  One of my goals is to get enough out of debt and enough saved up to get a REAL freaking bed, so that the futon can be returned to its life as  a couch and guest bed. I would like to have a dresser with a mirror to do my makeup in (when I have occasion to wear it) and matching set of nightstands with lamps to read by and a real alarm clock.  I would have a Queen sized bed with a nice mattress set and sturdy wooden frame (likely sleigh bed type) and matching dresser/armoire  and 2 nightstands. I would have lamps on both night stands, and house the iPod dock/ alarm clock music player on the stand closest to the door.  I want my bed to be a space where I can read, write, sleep, cuddle, and meditate.

I want to make space that reflects ME. I wish for a space that encompasses what I am and what I like and encourages me to grow. I wish for a space that lets me let down my guard. I want a space that is MINE for once in my life… where I can create or dance or sing or meditate in peace without disturbing  anyone else. I want a space that reflects the who I was, the who I am, and the who I will become…

I’m sitting in my office, listening to the rain pelt the windows and wondering if anything is likely to seep through the crack in the window.  The day is grey and wet and slightly foggy, leaving a chilly mist wafting through the office whenever someone opens the door. There are piles of paperwork on my desk, and the ubiquitous sticky notes all over the monitor and my day timer reminding me of the ways I’m being pulled in different directions trying to get things done.

I’m waiting for the weekend… waiting to get out of the monotony of paperwork and stress and being questioned about the most minute details..

Weekends are my days to do chores, if I can get the time to do them. The problem has been GETTING THEM!  Because theEx likes to play stupid little games and fucks around with the custody schedule to suit his needs, I haven’t gotten many weekends without the kids:

• March 6-19 the kids were with me (2 weeks)
• March 19-26 the kids were with him (1 week)
• March 26-April 2 the kids were with me (1 week)
• April 2-9 the kids were with him (1 week)

And it doesn’t end there:

• April 9-24^th (because he has a business trip that takes him out of town until the 22^nd and he wants to have social time with the new girlfriend, he’s picking the kids up late)the kids are with ME ( 2 weeks +1 day so I have HALF a weekend)
• April 23-April 30 the kids are with him (1 week)
• May 1-May 14 the kids are with me… and the schedule goes back to normal

Until or unless he fucks around with it some more…  

Anyway, the point is that I haven’t had 2 weekends in a row to get things done since I moved into my house. Even the weekends that I haven’t had them has been taken up with other obligations that pull me away from spending time on my ME things. I find myself feeling anxious to get started things, but since I don’t have consistent time after work to pull things out and get started before I have to put things away again… well… I have found myself making a list of promises to myself that have to wait until I don’t have the kids. It will be at LEAST 4 weeks before I get an entire weekend without the kids. 

• I want to spread out the art supplies and do some art journaling.
• I want to paint the kitchen
• I want to paint MY room
• I want to paint the bathroom
• I want to decorate my room
• I want to go on a trip to Ontario
• I want to make bread
• I want to set up a bunch of OAMC recipes
• I want to clean out my car
• I want to reorganize my pantry
• I want to declutter and organize my basement and make it into a good play/family area
• I need to spend a weekend dragging things to be donated
• I need to spend a weekend looking for components to decorate with

Things I don’t see working WELL with the kids in tow.  I mean, they would LOVE to help paint the rooms, but it would be a giant disaster. They would like to go to Ontario again, but I want to get some stuff done out there that is not easy to do with tired kids in tow (and I want at least ONE night in my year to celebrate my freedom from their father… if I EVER FREAKING GET DIVORCED!!!).  Cleaning and reorganizing isn’t generally something they like to do, and tend to undo as fast as I can do it (by bringing dirt and junk in from outside).

Sometimes I just want a few hours in the MIDDLE of the day to myself. Yes, I get evenings after I put them to bed to do things, but I’m frazzled by then and I am not as productive.  And generally those hours are filled by cleaning up after supper dishes , sweeping the floors, rinsing out the bathroom sink, and washing clothes.

Lately I have been wanting time ALONE. I have been wanting to spend some quality time CREATING things FOR myself, by myself. I feel odd saying it. Sometimes I like having company, sometimes I miss my kids. Sometimes I need to be social and get out and be inspired.  But other times, especially lately, I kinda want to CREATE an not worry about entertaining someone else for a while. I find myself wanting to think my own thoughts without having to justify my own personal choices to anyone (no matter how much they care about me).

I want to create a personal space in my bedroom, with a small creating table and a small comfortable chair. I want a small creative space (a shelving unit to put my journals and craft supplies for easy access) to do my journaling and scrapbooking and art journaling and writing. I want a ladder bookshelf that leans against the wall where I can put books and beautiful objects. I want a DRESSER with a mirror so I can put on makeup when I want to. I want shelves on my walls to put pretties. I want to create an altar.

I need time to sit and contemplate my space and my needs without having to consider the needs of anyone that isn’t ME. That means letting go of the expectations of others. It means creating a zone that is only me. Creating a sanctuary. Creating a space that feeds MY spirit. And not having to share that with ANYONE. It means being able to take as much time as I want to get things right, without being rushed by anyone else. It means accepting that NO ONE ELSE MATTERS there…

I am feeling the desire to create, the urge to make my space my OWN, but not sure how to go about doing that.

I just know that it’s a pressure, a NEED…