I try to live my life in the open… mostly.

I try to be open to myself, open to the world, open to people.  I try not to hide who I am here.

But I still have been having a very difficult time getting to know other people in my real life.  In the past I have often felt very disconnected, cut off, unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. In short, I often felt LONELY.

Loneliness is not necessarily being ALONE

In the past I believed (wrongly) that my worth as a woman was determined by my ability to get a man. When I was with someone I gave up everything I was to try and be who that person wanted, whether that was “me” or not, and this often led me choosing men that were not compatible and with the men I was with treating me poorly (or maybe they wanted someone who would put up with their bullshit and they looked for the compliant, people-pleasing girls who would do ANYTHING for them??).   When I was not attached to a man I didn’t feel like I fit into the world – social life was very much a “couples” arena where the single people were gawked at as there was something “wrong” with them – and I would become desperate to find SOMEONE to like me.

I was pretty and lively and wonderful, but I believed boyfriends (and husband) who told me that I wasn’t – ugly, plain, boring, bitchy, frigid, slutty, fat, scrawny, flat-chested, stupid, moron, useless, unlovable… — because I based my worth on what the men in my life told me, and with how much I pleased them.  I was TERRIFIED of “ending up alone”.

I’m not going to go on about the hows and whys of getting into abusive relationships here – if you have been unlucky enough to find yourself involved in an abusive situation you know how hard it is to explain why you not only didn’t SEE it but why it was so freaking hard to get OUT of once you were in – but I do believe that the isolation that was caused by being involved in domestic/partner abuse helped solidify the pattern of jumping from one man to the next to the next in hopes that THIS relationship would magically be different, that it would be that perfect thing that fulfilled me.

Instead I went through one relationship after another that just left me HURT, confused, unloved, and profoundly LONELY. I put up with being called names, being told I was unlovable, useless, frigid, unloving, unkind, and that I wanted to be abused*.
*the ironic part was that while he was telling me that I WANTED to be abused, I was trying to get away from the “perfect” way he was treating me that I thought was abuse and HE thought was how a real loving, respectful relationship was supposed to be!

I would go from ONE abusive relationship that left me feeling lonely and unfulfilled to ANOTHER abusive, lonely, unfulfilling relationship… filling my life with the trying to make someone else love me enough to make me believe I was worthy.

And then something CHANGED

It’s hard to pin point WHAT exactly changed. I was with TheNoodle (R ), so it wasn’t like I was really a single woman who learned to be happy with her singlehood.  All I remember was a gradual sense of dissatisfaction with the way things were going with TheNoodle and trying to determine if this was really what I wanted in my life, if this was going to be “as good as it gets” was it gonna be better than being alone.

A radical change happened there, did you see it?  I was looking to see what I wanted out a relationship, and I actually balanced the idea of being ALONE against being stuck in yet another unfulfilling relationship!

I started to look at what I had in my life, my goals, my dreams… my potential. For the first time in my life I looked at how the relationship I found myself in with TheNoodle and placed it against the life I wanted to make for myself. And in EVERY aspect of my life I was better off WITHOUT TheNoodle — financially, socially, physically, sexually, spiritually, emotionally, with my family, with friends, with the kids, intellectually. He wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t violent… but he wasn’t worth the time and energy I put into him.

I started to realize that I was truly FREE to make my life my own, and to make it all I dreamed for myself and my children. I was no longer held back, I could make things HAPPEN if I wanted them to…

But not with TheNoodle holding me back.

I wanted to own a home.

I wanted to travel.

I wanted a good relationship with my kids.

I wanted to explore my spirituality.

I wanted to try new flavours, recipes, activities, experiences.

I wanted to be active

I want to LIVE my life. I want to EXPERIENCE. I want to PARTICIPATE in my life. I want to CONNECT, SHARE, and EXPERIMENT.

And when I stood back and really LOOKED at what I had gotten myself into with TheNoodle? Well… it was not gonna get me anywhere near the life I wanted.

And after thinking about it for MONTHS I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted a relationship with him:

He wasn’t good enough for ME, it had nothing to do with me not being good enough for HIM.

He wasn’t worth my time and attention, my care, or my money. I could no longer JUSTIFY the mental, physical, emotional or FINANCIAL burden that he (and his kids) had become on my life.

My attitude changed for the better

Instead of focusing every night on how lonely I was and how upset I was that TheNoodle wasn’t honouring my feelings and needs in the relationship, I was actively doing things that I enjoyed. Instead of worrying about talking to him I was happy about being left to think for myself. Instead of wanting to see him, I found myself unhappy when he and his kids asked to visit and take up my precious free time.

I let it go.

I let go the idea that to be happy and fulfilled i NEEDED a relationship with a man.

I let go the idea that I couldn’t do things for myself, with myself, and by myself and feel “right”.

I started to focus on becoming comfortable with me.

I made a commitment to MYSELF to change the things in my life that I wasn’t happy with, and make them MINE again.

I’m not always SURE… but I know a few things right now:

• I am taking a sabbatical from dating/relationships to work on finding my OWN light
• I am focusing on my relationships with myself, my kids and my Gods
• I need time ALONE to focus on my own private work
• Sometimes the best thing I can do is housework or solitary chores
• I know when I need to be with others, I know when I need to work on solitary things
• Its okay to be a “Heartless Bitch” and enforce healthy boundaries

Some days are hard

 Last week, knowing my current relationship was in the toilet, realizing that I would have to have “the talk” I found my stomach in knots and my self esteem tanking. I was avoiding his calls, I was not at all interested in talking to him online or in person, and I was finding myself RELIEVED that he had found something better to do than waste my time by deciding that he and his daughters would come and stay with me.  I was soundly in denial about how BADLY this relationship went and why I allowed it to continue on for SO freaking LONG…

Last week, I was feeling alone and unwanted… and more than a bit scared to admit to myself that  I wanted OUT of my relationship. I am a 35 year old single mother! I work full time hours! I volunteer ! I take classes! I write! I am a great person!! Why was I so afraid to start over and try to find someone worth my time, energy, and my warm generous nature?

Last week I was GLAD that R “manned up” and told me he didn’t want to see me anymore (not in so many words, mind you it was more like “we’ve been drifting and… you know where this is going”) after me asking him, after me asking him for 6 months just to be honest with me about whether he was still interested or not. For the record, I knew that he lost interest in me almost the day he first said “I love you” to me… his actions spoke of neglect and fear from that point on, making me feel confused and insecure.  But he would never tell me that he wasn’t interested in a relationship anymore.

A week ago I found relief in the fact that R finally admitted that to him this had been “casual”… and that the feelings that I had been denying for so long had been RIGHT if I had only listened to them a year ago!

Still the hard won out that night, the feeling of relief was washed away by the sting of FINALLY knowing the truth of the situation. I felt lied to. I felt deceived. I felt… USED. I felt like once more I had allowed a man to walk all over me for acceptance and companionship. And to realize that, in reality, I had not gotten even the most basic companionship with R, he had only stayed with me for what he thought he could get out of me:

• he gave things only grudgingly out of obligation
• In a year we went on maybe 4 dates, tops.  
• I was a hotel and daycare centre for him.
• He rarely contributed.
• He rarely showed any thought about my feelings.
• He freely took from me and never gave in return

Why did I stay with someone who used me as a hotel and daycare service? Who only called when he wanted me to do something for him? Who never complimented me? Who ignored me constantly? Who never once did something nice for me, just to let me know they cared??? What the HELL was I thinking?

I excused his thoughtless behavior over and over – he was stressed about his ex-wife wanting custody of HER children back; he was stressed because he didn’t have as much money as he wanted to have; he was stressed because he wasn’t getting child support; he was stressed because he was going through a hard divorce; he was stressed because his daughters are horribly behaved – and I took his word that he never meant to be thoughtless it just never occurred to him to that he was not doing right by me.

Until the night he told me that, this whole fucking year of my life HE considered our relationship “just casual”…

 I didn’t MISS him, because there hadn’t been anything to miss!

There was remarkably LITTLE change in my life. There were no mementos to throw away. There was no jewelry or trinkets to remind me that R had shared this period of my life and very few pictures of us together. And I knew that he had even LESS to remember me by! I felt that he had missed out on a great person, but that neither of us was in the ideal situation to create a relationship on our own.

He had given all indications that he wanted to be left alone… and now he would be.

I had heard it from his friends, I had witnessed it in the way he acted to his friends, his children and to me. I just refused to acknowledge it.  Didn’t matter who the person was, he didn’t want to deal with anyone other than himself. He preferred to spend huge swaths of time tuned out watch tv or sleep while his kids were gods-only-knew where doing gods-only-knew what, and he was perfectly happy to do that no matter what anyone else thought about it.

 That night that all the turmoil, all the fight, all the RESPECT I had for this man whom I thought was “doing the best he could given the stress he was under”  just washed away and I saw just how little RESPECT he had granted to ME.

 And I sat in the dark, and I thought about these things. I thought about how I had seen the relationship and how I had tried to be there for not only R but his children. I thought about all the times I reached out to help him, but he didn’t return the favour. I thought about how often I asked for just the bare minimum, but that was too much. And I thought about all that I had given up (financially, physically, emotionally) to build a relationship with someone who saw me pretty much as a “place to stay and girl to fuck” and nothing more.

The realizations POURED out of me, the bitterness I had held back within myself for so long;  I was ANGRY about how I was treated!!!  And GODDAMMIT, I DESERVED TO FEEL ANGRY!! For once, not really caring about how other people would label my feelings, I felt ANGRY at R, I felt USED, I was BITTER, I believed I DESERVED BETTER!!

All the feelings that “good girls” don’t admit to coursed through me and out, cleansing me of this relationship.

Within 24 hours I realized how LUCKY I was. I took his numbers off my phone. I deleted him from my MSN. I took “I’m in a relationship” off FaceBook. And I still wasn’t sad.

 By Friday I was feeling like a NEW PERSON.

I dropped my kids off with theEx for his two weeks and I went out and bought myself a bottle of white wine. I came home and I cooked myself a meal that I wanted to try, with new ingredients and a bunch of new flavours. I poured myself a nice glass of cold white wine, put in a movie *I* wanted to watch, and ate my supper.  I made myself a cup of tea, ran a bath, and read a book. I wore my favourite pj’s, I watched another movie, wrote in my journal and chatted with a few friends. I went to bed when I wanted to, feeling SO happy with my life! I got up and had a shower and PUT ON MAKEUP!! I went out and purchased things for my new home. I went out for lunch and socializing with a writing group. I did my needlework. I took care of myself.

 I DID MY OWN THING

 For the first time in a year I wasn’t thinking about R or if he would call or when I would see him again, I knew he was out of my life! I didn’t care if he would disapprove of me drinking, because he no longer had the privilege of having an opinion in my life. I acknowledged my bitterness and anger about the way he handled my heart, but vowed only to be more aware and cautious “next time” I put myself out there.

 I spent time being HAPPY with myself, indulging MYSELF with the things that made my happy:

• My favourite movies
• Writing
• Reading
• Needlework
• Having a bath
• A cup of tea/ a glass of wine
• A tarot reading

So… here we are at the end of the week.

Let’s recap how this week went:

The Bad Stuff

Officially breaking off my relationship with R.
 SOOO much harder than I expected, given that I was pretty much “girding my loins” (snicker) to do just this for the last few weeks as I realized that we
1) viewed our relationship very differently,
2) were going in pretty much OPPOSITE directions, and
3) I was almost CERTAIN that R had been seeking out another relationship behind my back for a few months and I DIDN’T CARE.

But losing the “girlfriend” status also meant being officially “single” again, which is something that I am not entirely comfortable being.  AND… all the things that he had agreed to help me with for my move, not gonna happen.

Anxiety, Nightmares and living in a situation that constantly triggers me.  
Like many people who have overcome abusive situations, I have things that can trigger anxiety in me. One of my BIGGEST triggers is being around MALE people who are under the influence of something (drugs or alcohol)… especially if I don’t KNOW the men in question. So imagine how hard it is for someone like me to live in a house where the people living ABOVE me party almost EVERY night!  Yes, my upstairs neighbors have friends over almost EVERY night and they always drink. The drunks like to invade common areas – the hallway between our suites, the laundry room, the back yard – and play ‘games’ such as writing rude things on my car, deflating my tires, and trying to open the door to my suite. I don’t know these people at all, and I don’t appreciate feeling like someone is going to walk in on me at any time, so my level of anxiety has been SUPER high lately, leading to panic attacks, headaches, and nightmares.

GENERAL ACK stuff

Divorce STILL not done
Yep, I am still waiting on my lawyer to finish this up. I am to sign the official affidavit on Monday, though. Then theEx has to sign it and it goes to the court. Or at least that is what I was told the last time. This is ack-some because:

1. theEx has been allowed to continue to intimidate me and use money to control me through out this process, with my lawyer doing nothing to stop it other than to say “document it” (I have been, thanks, you didn’t TAKE my documentation!!)
2. I want to pay off the debt that my lawyer has caused, but I only want to have to do it ONCE so I am waiting on final billing, which won’t happen until the divorce papers come back.
3. I can see theEx trying to play douche-bag games with me over child support, since he’s trying to do it NOW, and forcing me to incur MORE legal debt

So, yeah, ACK.

MOVING STUFF
Like I said before, R had agreed to help me do a few things around my current place to help me get ready to move, and they aren’t really things I know how to do on my own. And I don’t own necessary TOOLS to do these things either. So, between having to hire someone to help me repair a doorframe, and likely having to beg more people to help me paint and move big heavy things, this move is looking a little more stressful than it was before.

I have SO much to pack and declutter, I have to pick out colours for rooms, I have to pick out a washer/dryer set and a few pieces of furniture I don’t have… just a list of a bunch of stuff…

Kids going to their Fathers for 2 weeks
 While this DOES give me time to get some cleaning, decluttering and packing done, I really HATE when they are with him. Since he’s an abusive, self-centred person I can’t imagine him as a very good father (he wasn’t involved when we were together), and he’s on the shared custody kick only to punish me and to minimize the amount of child support he pays. He also refuses to let them call me when they are there, which makes the ache that they are gone worse…

The GOOD STUFF

The Being Single Again
Yes, the being single again is part of the un-joyous suck part of this week… but it is also a HUGE RELIEF. Since I had become aware that things were not good with R (about a month ago) there were a lot of things that I realized I needed to decide FOR MYSELF.  Being with R meant:

• Not being able to go out for a nice meal that wasn’t a hamburger or pizza (the only 2 meals the man eats)
• Becoming a teetotaler  – I’m not a big drinker, but having the OPTION once in a while without being made to feel like I was clubbing baby seals would have been nice
• Being stressed about disciplinary issues with his kids – whether  it was my children feeling ignored or his kids hitting or R threatening the children with spankings, there was a lot of stress surrounding the parental roles
• Never having a mature relationship

Being single again means being MYSELF for ME, and learning to be me instead of trying to impress some man. Maybe I’m late to the party, but I finally figured it out : If I have to pretend to be someone else to have a man like me, then he’s not someone I want to be with.

Being single means not having to think about what someone ELSE might need in my house. Being single means I can play MY music and do my writing and MY hobbies and not have to worry about entertaining someone else all the time.  It means making MYSELF feel good about things and not always second guessing what someone else wants.

Good Bye “R”… have a good life…

New Practices!!

• Yoga! I have been checking out yoga videos from the library and trying them out. I still haven’t found consistent time to do them, and I am working on that, but I’m trying. Even my cat is getting into yoga!
• Reading before bed! For the last few years reading was a luxury for vacations without the kids. But now that the kids are getting older, there seems to be a lot more time for reading. I bought a $6 lamp from Walmart a few weeks ago, and since then I have reinstated the reading before going to sleep ritual that I had practiced for most of my life (but left behind when I left theEx).
• Nightly Tarot draw! Okay, so there are times, especially this week, when I have forgotten to pull a card, but since January 1 I have been pulling one to three cards from my deck and reading up on the symbols and meanings. Interestingly enough the last card I pulled (Weds night) was the Death card!! If you know about the Tarot, and Paganism, you know that this isn’t necessarily a bad omen… and it really spoke about what I needed right then.
• Soulful awareness! I am starting to slow down and really think about what resonates with me – from what I want to eat to what I want to read to what colours to choose for my new home, being aware of how things affect me and the effects they have on energy around me is really profound.
• Journaling! Not as much as I want, but I’m getting better with at least writing down 5 to 6 lines per night. Someday I will want to know how I felt about this period in my life, and how I got to be so spiritually aware…
• Meditation! Every night before I go to sleep I have been using guided meditations to oven myself to self-love and balancing my chakras!
• Trying new recipes! The weeks that I don’t have the kids (and some that I do) I try out new recipes that I think *I* will like! Being sick of burgers, chicken fingers, and other “kid” foods, I have started to try new tastes and flavours!

Realizing that I am NOT alone
For years I had lived the belief that theEx had every right, as a husband, to treat me the way he did, and that it was my PERCEPTION of the normal husband role that caused me to fail in our marriage. I had several counselors through my marriage (including my marriage counselor) and after assure me that what I went through was abusive, that even though theEx will tell everyone in the universe that I was a horrible wife, mother, and woman, the truth of the matter is that I had every right to decide that enough abuse was enough and to walk away instead of induring it.

To that end I found a group in the city that provides a support group for women who have gone through ALL KINDS of domestic violence. While it is sad to note that there are that many of us living this way, it is nice to know that I am not crazy, that I’m not just a whiner for leaving someone who controlled and ignored the needs of his family.

It’s also nice to know that there are bloggy people out there who care about someone they have never met! When I posted about feeling alone the night that my relationship officially dissolved, I got quite a few people mention the blog community. While I am still very new, and I don’t have much reach, it is nice to know that there are SOME people out there. And then when I was feeling low, I got assistance from a Twitter pal: @Fabeku, who shared with me some wonderful and healing sacred sound recordings that I can’t wait to try out tonight!!

Tonight I am going to make the most of the fact that I have the night off  (even though I miss the kids). I am going to clean my kitchen, then make myself a lovely chickpea and greens stir fry with couscous for supper,  maybe I’ll pick up a nice white wine and have a glass, light a candle, and have a bath…

Have a good weekend… whoever you are out there!!!

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to show some interest.

So, through type, the way the relationship started, it ended. With a whimper, not a bang. There was no fighting, no tears, no harsh words or recriminations. It just wasn’t anymore and we both knew it hadn’t BEEN for months. 

ALONE again

There were no tears. I didn’t expect any. After all, he hadn’t called much, he had stopped texting me months ago. I was feeling used and unwanted and I knew I had to end it. And yet, at the point of ending, when it truly hit home that he didn’t have any interest in fighting to stay with me? It hurt… a lot.

I sat, alone, on my couch staring at the closed computer, wishing desperately that I could run off and be supported by a friend or two.  But there is not one friend out there I knew I could call to ease the pain.

Not one.

Not one person who would listen and hold me.

Not one person I could call on the phone.

Not one person who would even be mildly supportive via text.

 The dark thoughts started to take over:

I am utterly and completely alone in this world now. I mean, I have my cats, and I have my kids… but I have to be strong for THEM, I am their support network they are not there to be mine. That makes the feeling of emptiness all the harder to face, somehow. I can’t crumble, because there won’t be anyone there to help pick up the pieces, and my kids NEED me. Without them I might as well not exist anymore… and that really is the truth of the matter now.

Not one person, besides my children, would miss me if something bad happened to me. It could be 2 weeks before anyone cared to seek me out, if anything happened. I’d bet that my cats would just happily chew on me… after all, my daughter tells me I am made of meat.

Only a few days ago there was someone who might have pretended to care. I know he didn’t, not really, not anymore… but the illusion was there

There is no illusion anymore.  

R is no longer someone who would care for me, who I could call. He no longer wanted me. And there was emptiness in my soul, there was a pain in my heart, there was gloom. There was utter and complete loneliness in the darkness and quiet in my house. Sitting in the dark and quiet feeling desperate to talk to SOMEONE, realizing that there was no one I could think of that I could lean against right now.

I felt disconnected from everyone.

I know that this is my own fault, not knowing quite how to make friends with new people, not knowing how to connect to people, how to stay connected… for being so introverted and hidden and afraid that now I am alone in a big, wide, TERRIFYING world, when what I need is support and caring and to be touched and connected to again.

My loneliness is MY fault

I don’t know how to change any faster than I am! I am unhappy feeling friendless. I am unhappy being disconnected from the larger community… and I know this feeling is motivating me to CHANGE how I approach social situations.

I can’t hide so much. So much of my life has been lived in fear – afraid of being punished, afraid of being “bad”, afraid to rock the boat, afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to be rejected – and it has been very hard to overcome my natural desire to hide who I really AM. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what everyone ELSE wants from me that my own MEness has been pushed aside in hopes that THIS time I’m doing it right.

But you know what? I’m okay the way I am.  Sure there are things I want to change, ways I want to grow… but I’m a good person and maybe, just maybe, if I let people see ME they might like me.  And if they don’t like me, then they aren’t my RIGHT PEOPLE (thanks Havi).

I don’t have to be a teetotaler to be “good enough” or “spiritual enough” (thanks Pace!), it only matters WHY I choose to drink or not drink

If I want a tattoo I can get one, there is nothing wrong with being a “freak”… freaks are some of the greatest people I have met so far (and just having a tattoo doesn’t make one a freak…) (Thanks Pace AND Kyeli).

If I want to write, who cares if I suck? If I am silly sometimes does that mean I can never be serious? If I get hurt, if I cry, if I am terrified… is that really such a bad thing? Can’t I reach out when I feel this low without worrying that asking for help will be annoying or bothersome to someone? And if it is, do I really want people like that in my life?

I just don’t know where to START!!

• I write, but I don’t know if anyone reads (is anyone OUT THERE?? And if you are, do you know how to get my analytics to work? Or how to upgrade my WordPress since it keeps nagging me to do it?)
•  I try to comment on other blogs, although for the most part I am a lurker mostly because I read on RSS feed rather than visiting blogs.
• I am involved in Boy Scouts,
• I’m taking a dance class,
• I joined a support group (Beyond Abuse),
•  I think I got talked into a local writer’s group.

Any other ideas of how to build relationships (both online and offline) that are flexible and inexpensive?

I cannot survive ALONE anymore. I am a social creature…

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant tear downs and questions and reasons why he didn’t like so-and-so, to avoid trouble I just stopped seeing or talking to some people.

So much of “me” changed during my marriage – I changed perspectives, I lost confidence in myself, I became a mother, I dealt with intense rejection (at home and in the arena of employment), I got a second degree, I went through turmoil having my second child, I restarted working – that by the time I “woke up” from the haze of the abuse in my marriage and got myself the hell OUTTA THERE, I felt like I was a stranger to myself.

I am seeing where fear has kept me from reaching out. I am seeing how I had internalized the abusive words, how they can float up, unbidden, and taint my new found freedoms. I am seeing how much I worry about “bothering” people, especially people I think are better than I am (my internal judgment) and how often I stop myself from asking for help, reaching out to talk to people, or joining in new activities.

I realized I have been keeping myself isolated, that I have to face the internalized judge and tell him what’s what. I isolated myself from friends. I isolated myself from family. I isolated myself from my children. I isolated myself from MYSELF. I isolated myself from the DIVINE.

How it hurts me

It HURTS to be isolated. I am the kind of person who needs balance, the extroverted introvert – the person who seeks inspiration and community, but still can enjoy time alone thinking… and needs BOTH.

I NEED other people in my life.

• I need people who will go out with me for a coffee or a walk.
• I need to talk to other people.
• I crave being introduced to new ideas.
• I need  the energy boost that comes from getting people together for a common purpose.
• I need FAMILY – both biological and created – for myself and my children. I need community.
• I need people willing to stand beside me when I have to face down my daemons, who cheer me on when I do something that might seem incredibly small and easy, but that is mind boggling for ME.
• I need people to cheer with when good things happen in the world.
• I need people to cry with me when bad things happen.
• I need people who think enough of me to come to me when they need help.
• I need community – to feel like a piece of something bigger than myself – that is out there making the world a better place.

Right or wrong, I need a place to FIT IN and be accepted and loved, so I can accept and love myself, and so I can show others that they can be accepted and loved just the way THEY are.

I have learned I don’t work as well in isolation as I do (even part time) in community with others.

How I am going to start making changes:

This is the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I need to go slow with this, and find ways to get out there and get into situations with other adults of like mind, and find ways to do it that don’t cost me a lot of money.

I know that part of it is that I have to make some changes in my life.

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been. Perhaps finding more family friendly activities? Spending time on the weekends and holidays that they have with me going to activities that they will enjoy or that stimulate them, because there WILL be other parents there too.
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class (2 classes just combined so there are new people to get to know)
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone
• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependant on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Join online groups for things that interest me
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

Why I have to make these changes

I have to take a SERIOUS look at some relationships that are holding me back. I need to examine the dynamics and patterns that are going on, and why these types of relationships (and especially allowing people to treat me these ways) are a recurring theme in my life. There is no doubt about it… I have been passive in relationships for fear of “scaring” people away by asking for what I need out of others, for fear of being “demanding” or “high maintenance”.

I have allowed other people to make the decisions of how the relationships will go, rather than looking at things and evaluating what I want. I have always gone with the flow, thinking that, especially in romantic relationships, I was “lucky” if I found someone who could accept me… and for the most part I didn’t really consider if the men in my life were good matches for ME.

When I look back on my dating history (for the most part) NOW, I see patterns that look BAD.

• I have tended to have long term relationships for the most part. Other than 3 short term things (2 in high school, one last year) my relationships tend to last a MINIMUM of 1 year.
• I start dating someone and pretty much as soon as they show interest I stop dating others and stop considering their merits for what I want.
• I tend to “go with the flow” with what my “partner” wants – if he likes sports I put up with watching constant sports, if he doesn’t like eating Chinese food I avoid eating it, if he wants to stay in all the time and never go out and do things with me I try not to complain about it – rather than finding a partner who is willing to balance with me.

Essentially, I jump in too fast, allow the man to decide almost everything (where, when, how, what) in order to keep him, fail to get my own needs met, feel frustrated at the lack of PARTNERSHIP (because I never find men I can create a partnership WITH) and stay even after I realize that things are inadequate or that there is no future with this person.

No wonder I end up with unsatisfactory relationships!!

Of course, I am usually the one making the decision to leave the relationships too… I dump, I don’t get dumped. I mean, for the most part, the guy is getting what he wants from me, its ME that is getting the shaft so of course I would be the one that sees the need to change.

My current relationship is EXACTLY in this pattern, he hasn’t expressed any interest in continuing this relationship (ie, he has stopped chatting, texting, phoning, and spending time with me one-on-one). It’s looking like time to seriously EVALUATE this, take time to myself, and decide what it is that I want before I pursue anything further. Romantic involvement takes 2, after all.

I need to do this so I will have more energy to devote to the people who DO matter – my children, my friends, my family, ME, and my soul – and find people who CONNECT to me and ADD love and value to my life rather than insecurity and sadness. I don’t need to devote time to ANYONE (in any relationship) that doesn’t nourish me, I don’t need ANYONE who doesn’t give as much as they get…

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships as well…

My AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children than on external factors. I WILL take a good long look at how my love life is going, what I want for that aspect of my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need be. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.