When I was a teenager I believed that the right man would be out there, waiting for me. I believed that he would be right for me, no matter what, and I would know who he was and it would be happily ever after.

In high school I dated Jace. We dated for 2 years. We were best friends and lovers. We fought like cats and dogs. We loved each other, but we both knew that in the end we were not “meant” for each other. I moved on and dated other people and married theEx, Jace moved on and dated other people and married. We drifted apart.

In my “senior” or grade 12 year and through the first few years of university I dated ColdBlood. We were not friends, we were lovers. He was cold and calculating, distant, moody, and punitive. I believed I loved him, I believed he loved me. I fell into the cycle of abuse with him, forgiving his outbursts and violent mood swings because of his mental illness and because he promised it would never happen again. I believed he was “THE ONE” and so I was shattered when I walked away from him.

Immediately after leaving ColdBlood I started dating theEx. I was a shattered shell of a woman, believing that there was still some WHITE KNIGHT who would “save” her from the world. I thought that TheEx was that person. He was in turns loving and caring and then insulting and demanding. I believed I was broken and unlovable, and was lucky to have ANYONE interested in me. But the insults, jealousy, demands and utter disregard for my feelings, interests or family got to me and I left.

I jumped from theEx to the LAST person he had accused me of cheating with (and really, I likely wouldn’t have even given this person any sort of consideration if theEx hadn’t been blown away with insane jealousy… I would have likely stayed under his roof, under his control, and continued on the way we had been, but MONTHS before I even left him he started in on me about how Stalker was “eyeing” me and how he didn’t like how he talked to me in the 10 minutes that we attended a FUNDRAISER for my work!!!!)as soon as I left. Again the Stalker was a “White Knight”, come to rescue me from an unhappy marriage. But red flags, verbal and written “shit bombs” and other warning signs chased me away from him within a year…

And I immediately started online dating. I met and dated several men. The Fireman, the Teacher, the Business man… very few men made it to the second date stage. Then there was Reg – aka The Noodle.

At first we seemed to have a lot in common — but it soon became apparent that the things he had said were largely to impress me and not really an accurate reflection of who he was or what he was interested in

In the end I stopped trying, and when he made the move to sever ties I jumped at the chance and haven’t looked back.

 Life is too short to be tied to someone who makes you miserable.

So I have decided to take a break from the dating scene.

Yes, I realize that, given my age it means that I am l likely to be single for the rest of my life… or at least for a VERY long time. I’m good with that, because I realize (maybe late in the game) that I’d rather be alone than with someone incompatible or WRONG for me.

With this in mind, I have been putting some thought into a “dating manifesto” of sorts, for when I feel like I might be ready or willing to look for another relationship.

My Manifesto
….Or, dating requirements and Rules

1. EDUCATION. I need a man who has completed a degree. I don’t care what in, but he has to have successfully completed a degree in some field – and within a reasonably average (aka 4-6 years) amount of time.  It might seem snobbish to some, but it does show that someone can follow through on something that is not necessarily EASY to do, and complete it successfully.
2. WELL READ. I am a reader. I am a writer. I read and I write, and I need someone who can appreciate the beauty of that. I need a man that enjoys reading books and reads for fun and education.  Someone who reads will not only be more likely to have shared interests and education, but will be someone who I can carry on a conversation with.
3. BALANCED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. This one is a bit different, I guess. I need to be with someone who has hobbies/interests of their own – things they enjoy doing before we meet — but that are not obsessive (therefore balanced). I can appreciate someone who is interested in sports, as long as they don’t have their ass glued to a couch or bar stool for EVERY SINGLE SPORTING EVENT EVER CREATED. I can appreciate someone who is a fan of something; as long as they realize that the universe does NOT revolve around their fandom.
4. SHARED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. Obviously I want to find someone who has SOMETHING in common with me, who enjoys the kinds of things that I enjoy. Not EVERY interest or hobby has to be identical to mine though.
5. WILLINGNESS TO BE INTERESTED IN MY THINGS. I take it as a given that I will try to show some interest in his thing… I like to learn new things and I am at least WILLING to make an effort. I tried to like theEx’s music, I tried to understand the appeal of WoW for the Stalker (and I did come to enjoy it after a while), I tried to understand the appeal of football and hockey when I was with Noodle… but not ONE of them ever showed any interest or willingness to be present for things I was interested in. I do not think it is unreasonable that, if I attend football games or hockey games or go to movies that my SO is interested in, that he tries to attend a play, a musical, an opera, or a “chick flick” for me.
6. SPIRITUAL BELIEFS. I don’t want someone who calls themselves a Christian just because they figure that’s what it is if you aren’t something else (as much sense as that makes). If you don’t know the core beliefs of your religion, you aren’t really part of that religious tradition.  I don’t want someone who wants to just go along with whatever someone else tells him to believe, either… I want someone who knows what they believe and believes it because it works for them. 
7. ACCEPTANCE OF DIFFERENCE. Because I don’t expect to find someone who is Pagan/Wiccan or follows my spiritual beliefs, it is important that whomever I date is open to accepting the rights of other people to choose traditions, beliefs, or spiritual paths that are different than what they hold. I could not tolerate someone who feels that they have the answers for ANYONE other than themselves about any lifestyle, cultural, spiritual, or personal choice… someone who cannot accept people the way they are WITHOUT judging them as “wrong” (or misguided or uninformed or… ANYTHING negative) is likely someone who will not be happy with me (or anyone else) who is “different”.
8. SENSE OF ADVENTURE. Again with the openness thing, I need a person who isn’t afraid to try new things and open to learning about new things. I can’t imagine being stuck in a relationship with ANOTHER man who was closed to the idea of trying any new food, going to any new activity, learning about anything, or unwilling to consider travelling. I love learning about new things, trying new things, and having new experiences, so it is vital that any person I partner with will also value these things.
9. ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE. With so many past relationships there was a decidedly one-sided communication flow – I called, texted, and did all the work to make sure that we communicated regularly. Going forward I will let my partner know what I expect and need in terms of communication (I like to talk regularly on phone and I really like getting texts at least once a day, even just to say “hi!!”) if that person can’t or won’t communicate consistently they obviously aren’t right for me.
10. FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY. It is important to me to be financially responsible myself, so I expect the same in any partner I have. That doesn’t mean I necessarily need a man who makes a large income, but that I expect that he would be able to pay all his bills (and on time), and support himself without living beyond his means. If he has kids, I’d expect that he promptly paid his child support and didn’t complain about it all the time, whine about his ex being a “gold digger” for having requested child support, or moan about having to buy things for his children that they need. I know that everyone has times when things aren’t necessarily perfect in their lives, I got behind! But if he gets behind or has a set back that he has a plan to get back on track…
    1. NOT MISERLY. Yes, I expect my SO to willingly, lovingingly, and spontaneously GIVE me things to show he cares. I do this for those I care about, I expect that any man I date for any significant amount of time (longer than 3 months) will also be caring and giving in this way.
    2. NO LOANS. I will NOT EVER loan anyone sums of money. Not even “temporarily” (ie, a few weeks/months) to get back on their feet. I don’t object to buying things, taking turns paying for things, but a man who asks for someone they aren’t married to or related to to bail them out, that’s a HUGE red flag.

RULES FOR DATING ME!

1. 1.       Show up on time.
2. Wear clean clothes and be well groomed.
3. Be willing to go out and do things, even if it is only going for a walk and talking.
4. I will not “PUT OUT” automatically at the three date mark. I don’t know who made up this arbitrary “rule” for dating (is it just for dating past your 20s? after divorce?) but it just isn’t happening. I am not going to have sex with someone until I know if they are really someone I want to spend a serious amount of time with. I know that will limit my “choices” but if someone is only looking for a woman willing to give them the three dates and then fuck them, well I don’t think EITHER of us has the right person.
5. If you want a second date, you have to be willing to make the effort to PHONE me. Not text, not chat online… CALL and invite me out. I am not going to be a booty call. After learning that one the hard way (wince) I now realize that calling a woman is a sure sign of actual INTEREST.
6. If you aren’t polite to others around, if you make off colour comments, slurs, or are just disrespectful I will not go out with you again.
7. 7.       You will not meet my children until I deem that you are someone I want in my life for while.
8. I will not tolerate abuse of any kind… including verbal “teasing” that is derogatory in nature.
9. I will not automatically “love” you.  I have been too hasty in the past and so now I am less willing to make statements of emotion. Also know that, should you profess love it does not get you a free pass to ignore, abuse, or mistreat me in any way.
10. I am not going to give up my spiritual beliefs for you or anyone.
11. 11.   I am not going to give up my hobbies/interests for anyone
12. If you are at my home I control what is on MY TV. If you really MUST watch something desperately, ask or don’t come over. I am willing to compromise, but you have to be willing to watch my things as well.
13. If you want to impress me there are three good ways to do that:
    1. WRITE me something – a card, a poem, a letter
    2. COOK for me (and no, bbqing a hamburger doesn’t count)
    3. SHARE an activity with me, more points if it is something NEW that neither of us have done before

That’s what I have so far…

What do you think? What are your deal breakers or REQUIREMENTS?

It seems this week is all about taking a break from things that no longer enrich you, or which you actively DISLIKE doing. For this week’s wishcasting Wednesday, Jamie Ridler asked “What do you wish to take a break from?” and  for  Zen Thursday, Goddess (and hopefully now MAMA GODDESS!!!) Leonie asked the Zen Goddesses to make a list of 5 things that we don’t like doing and stop doing one of them. Because these are so similar I decided that I will deal with them together.

What do I wish to take a break from?

I want a break from feeling guilty about how my ex is “surviving” with the burden of child support – and because I now know how much he actually made (and let me tell you, the number is approximately FOUR TIMES what I made) last year, I really can’t see myself feeling sorry for him. Yes, I am asking for ADDITIONAL child support for the year… but I’m ONLY asking for what the court and HE agreed to – the TABLE amount of support  OFFSET based on our ACTUAL incomes. I’m asking for a ONE TIME ADJUSTMENT because he earned 50% more income than he estimated. I’m enforcing the agreement that we entered into, which was that we would review and revise the payments based on the actual income rather than the estimated income.

I can no longer feel guilty for his poor spending and debt habits. I can no longer allow him to make excuses why he shouldn’t have to live up to his end of our contract, and be taken to task for every little thing by him. We DIVIDED the “marital” debts that he racked up after I left him when I didn’t have access to the accounts AND I had written agreement that they were 100% his. I was STILL required to take and absorb his spending there – EQUALLY, but with THREE TIMES LESS INCOME! I have pulled myself out of the hole my marriage to him and this divorce process had put me in. I have recovered, and I make a LOT less than he does. I can’t continue to “subsidize” him by forgiving his debts for him forever – we agreed with our lawyers and entered into a contract and I will NOT feel guilty for enforcing my RIGHTS for my children.

I am taking a break from feeling RESPONSIBLE for the issues of my EX!

I am also wishing to take a break from the “dating” thing.  I went from theEx to the Stalker to online dating.  These were all experiences I had to go through to get where I am now, to understand what it is that I am and what I need in my life. And I know this for sure: I do not want to jump back into the dating scene right now…

It’s not that I don’t want to eventually have another relationship, or that I don’t want to ever marry again. But I realized that I need to really look at what it is that I want out of this – is it to go out and have fun? Meet new people? Find a mate? Just have sex? – and outline my dating rules for MYSELF. After dating the Noodle, giving up other opportunities to focus on someone who basically stomped all over what he said he wanted, what I stated I wanted, and decided it was all just casual (ie, a sexual  relationship) I know I could do better, and that I want BETTER. I

I am taking a break from MINDLESSLY DATING…

And 5 Things that I do that I don’t LIKE doing!

1. Eating/feeding my kids fast food. I admit, I have been falling back on fast food services the nights that we are running on empty. Monday nights are the worst because I have 15 minutes after I pick up the kids to feed them and get to our Monday night activity meetings, and finding a way to feed them before the meeting has been a struggle.
2. Scouts Canada leadership duties. I admit that I did volunteer to be a leader for my daughter’s Beaver Colony. I also admit that I wasn’t aware of just how much the group (which is a new area) would expect from me beyond my leadership duties. It has devolved from an enjoyable way to spend time with my children, to an anxiety producing obligation. Every week the area commissioner, ScouterP, corners me to let me know that she thinks I need to be more involved, do more, volunteer more, and train more. The thing is that I have OTHER activities and interests beyond Scouts Canada, and unlike the other leaders, I am a single parent trying to work full time and juggle her OWN interests, her children’s activities/interests, a house, a spiritual practice, and the needs of a family WITHOUT a partner to pick up the slack when I am expected to drop everything and attend just one more meeting!!! I understand that ScouterP was able to “do it all” but I’m not freaking SuperWoman here… and I don’t wanna be.
3. Obsessive cleaning. I hate the feeling that any time I have some down time I have to be cleaning my house, keeping things looking “presentable”. My home is clean ENOUGH. I maintain the cleanliness on a weekly basis – the dishes are done and the kitchen is cleaned up on an ongoing basis, laundry is done weekly, the trash is set out (although I am still catching up on the recycling as I unpack boxes)… the bathroom is cleaned weekly. The idea that I have to continuously be washing and wiping and tidying up after everyone else? ARGH!
4. Listening to what “EVERYONE” says. I have always been the “GOOD GIRL”, and that usually means that I do what is expected for GOOD girls to do. I was studious in school. I dated nice boys. I went to university and graduated. I found a suitable boy. I got married. I had children. Even in my divorce I have been a “good” girl, not asking too much, not being too bitchy, not rubbing his face in his failures while he does just that to me. But sometimes I think that I missed out on learning who I was by never rebelling against the norms. I have liked the way certain things look (piercings, tattoos) but I have been afraid to modify myself because I worry if I will be accepted. I have hidden my spirituality and scrubbed it from my home so as not to offend. When the Noodle didn’t approve of drinking socially, I stopped even sipping wine at meals!!
5. Yelling at my kids. I don’t like it, and I am trying very hard to unlearn these behaviours and find new ways that work within me. I don’t pretend, like so many people, that I have all the answers… but as the Mama I have the answers for ME and MY family. Changing the way I look at discipline and parenting, and getting OTHER people to respect my wishes, has been a struggle. I’m still working on it.

I am actually working on changing all of these things. Immediately, though, I am working on saying “NO” more to the requests of ScouterP and NOT feeling guilty for doing so. After all, when I agree to yet ANOTHER night taken for meetings and training and planning and volunteer activities they are asking me to give up things that are much more valuable to me: Time with my kids, nutritious meals, reading, helping with homework, activities that enrich MY life. I do not have infinite capacity in my life – when I say YES to yet another day long forced volunteer event I am, in effect, saying NO to family time with my children (when I have them) or saying NO to activities that *I* very much look forward to on my off time. I should be able to say “NO” without guilt or remorse and have it be accepted, and if they don’t accept that I just can’t attend something then it is THEIR problem, not mine.

I will be practicing this this week – they have planned day long events for Saturday as well as Sunday, with the regular meetings on Monday and a committee meeting on Wednesday. I have already decided that I will NOT be attending the committee meeting – I promised GirlChild to take her to a beginner scrapbook class that night and I do NOT intend to break my word.

I am seriously considering resigning from my leadership role next year. While I enjoy the activity and believe in the organization, it should not rule my entire life. Between regular Monday night meetings, monthly committee and regional meetings, training meetings, campouts, weekend activities, volunTOLD events, and other expected activities/contributions, it has been made clear to me that I am not doing ENOUGH for them. I realize that I want to add activities to MY life – Tae Kwon Do, Yoga, Nia, Bellydance –  and feeling like I am not “allowed” to pick up anything more if I can’t contribute ENOUGH to this is ridiculous.

I wanted to change my relationships for the better, how am I doing?

 In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The third of these areas, my relationships, was motivated by not only the realization that my love life was in toilet and I wanted to dump theNoodle, but also because my relationships with my self, my spirituality, my kids, and my friends was suffering (partly BECAUSE of my relationship with theNoodle), and I wanted to make a mindful change.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How I am making changes:

This was the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am STILL afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I am being gentle with myself, and going slowly with this stuff.

What have I done?

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been.  YES
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.  YES
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class YES
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone – I have now completed the 8 week support group, and have started individual counseling for myself as well as my daughter.
• Join online groups for things that interest me (again, consciously of my time budget and financial budget) – I am doing the 52 weeks to Awesome and I have been participating in Jamie Ridler’s Happiness Book send around (although it was rushed a bit by the move)
•  

Things I am still working on doing better:

• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependent on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

New things that I am working towards:

• Reading and writing/journaling more.
• Seeing the new face of my family – just because I am no longer actively involved in a traditional nuclear family doesn’t mean that the kids and I are not a “family”
• Getting comfortable with taking back my maiden name (and the fact that my kids now have a different family name)
• Setting boundaries for healthy relationships
• Making out a list of “what I want in a partner” and “deal breakers” for any future relationships
• Joining the UU church in my area
• 52 Weeks to Awesome (even though I am behind)
• Sacred Journey
• Goddess Leonie’s 2010 Planner!

The BIG Change:

As I became aware of what I really wanted in my life, I realized a great deal about the way I was allowing TheNoodle to trample all over EVERY aspect of my life – nothing exsists in a vacuum, and the negativity that was theNoodle (and his kids) was starting to affect not only ME but my kids. Now that I am no longer “dating” theNoodle I have noticed:

• I am sleeping WAY better
• My  spending has been way less – I am no longer having to feed 3 extra people every week, I’m not calling long distance as much
• I am happier with MYSELF
• I am spending more time with my kids

Partially due to the end of this relationship, I have decided that, for the time being, I just don’t have the room in my life to date.  I want to spend some time getting used to being SINGLE before I jump out there again and fall into the same patterns. I want to know who I am, I want to know WHAT I want in a relationship, and I want to be aware of how I want to be treated.  I am no longer LONELY… I don’t NEED a man… and until I get to a place where I am ready to seek out and work on a HEALTHY relationship I don’t really NEED one either.

I have to admit that part of me is unsure about dating again as a single mother. There are very active double standards when it comes to single fathers and single mothers and dating – single mothers tend to have to worry more about things like predatory men, how her dating will affect her relationship with her children, how to balance dating and family, and how other people see her.  I am not looking for a replacement father for my children – they don’t NEED another father figure. I am not looking for a new husband – I am not sure if I am ready to go down the aisle again, or if I will EVER want to remarry. I don’t want someone to look after me – I’m quite capable of taking care of things myself (no matter what theEx thinks).

Right now I just can’t imagine finding interest in dating again… although I am sure that there will come a time that I will want that type of relationship again. And I have to admit that the “failure” of the relationship with theNoodle has soured me on the idea of online dating and dating after divorce, at least for the time being.

So, for now I’m focusing on my relationships with MYSELF and my kids… and the other stuff will come as it will later on. When I feel more ready for love, I will open myself UP to love… but when I do I will remember:

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships

My NEW AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children. I WILL a break from my love life to reflect on what I want for my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.

I try to live my life in the open… mostly.

I try to be open to myself, open to the world, open to people.  I try not to hide who I am here.

But I still have been having a very difficult time getting to know other people in my real life.  In the past I have often felt very disconnected, cut off, unwanted, unloved, and unworthy. In short, I often felt LONELY.

Loneliness is not necessarily being ALONE

In the past I believed (wrongly) that my worth as a woman was determined by my ability to get a man. When I was with someone I gave up everything I was to try and be who that person wanted, whether that was “me” or not, and this often led me choosing men that were not compatible and with the men I was with treating me poorly (or maybe they wanted someone who would put up with their bullshit and they looked for the compliant, people-pleasing girls who would do ANYTHING for them??).   When I was not attached to a man I didn’t feel like I fit into the world – social life was very much a “couples” arena where the single people were gawked at as there was something “wrong” with them – and I would become desperate to find SOMEONE to like me.

I was pretty and lively and wonderful, but I believed boyfriends (and husband) who told me that I wasn’t – ugly, plain, boring, bitchy, frigid, slutty, fat, scrawny, flat-chested, stupid, moron, useless, unlovable… — because I based my worth on what the men in my life told me, and with how much I pleased them.  I was TERRIFIED of “ending up alone”.

I’m not going to go on about the hows and whys of getting into abusive relationships here – if you have been unlucky enough to find yourself involved in an abusive situation you know how hard it is to explain why you not only didn’t SEE it but why it was so freaking hard to get OUT of once you were in – but I do believe that the isolation that was caused by being involved in domestic/partner abuse helped solidify the pattern of jumping from one man to the next to the next in hopes that THIS relationship would magically be different, that it would be that perfect thing that fulfilled me.

Instead I went through one relationship after another that just left me HURT, confused, unloved, and profoundly LONELY. I put up with being called names, being told I was unlovable, useless, frigid, unloving, unkind, and that I wanted to be abused*.
*the ironic part was that while he was telling me that I WANTED to be abused, I was trying to get away from the “perfect” way he was treating me that I thought was abuse and HE thought was how a real loving, respectful relationship was supposed to be!

I would go from ONE abusive relationship that left me feeling lonely and unfulfilled to ANOTHER abusive, lonely, unfulfilling relationship… filling my life with the trying to make someone else love me enough to make me believe I was worthy.

And then something CHANGED

It’s hard to pin point WHAT exactly changed. I was with TheNoodle (R ), so it wasn’t like I was really a single woman who learned to be happy with her singlehood.  All I remember was a gradual sense of dissatisfaction with the way things were going with TheNoodle and trying to determine if this was really what I wanted in my life, if this was going to be “as good as it gets” was it gonna be better than being alone.

A radical change happened there, did you see it?  I was looking to see what I wanted out a relationship, and I actually balanced the idea of being ALONE against being stuck in yet another unfulfilling relationship!

I started to look at what I had in my life, my goals, my dreams… my potential. For the first time in my life I looked at how the relationship I found myself in with TheNoodle and placed it against the life I wanted to make for myself. And in EVERY aspect of my life I was better off WITHOUT TheNoodle — financially, socially, physically, sexually, spiritually, emotionally, with my family, with friends, with the kids, intellectually. He wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t violent… but he wasn’t worth the time and energy I put into him.

I started to realize that I was truly FREE to make my life my own, and to make it all I dreamed for myself and my children. I was no longer held back, I could make things HAPPEN if I wanted them to…

But not with TheNoodle holding me back.

I wanted to own a home.

I wanted to travel.

I wanted a good relationship with my kids.

I wanted to explore my spirituality.

I wanted to try new flavours, recipes, activities, experiences.

I wanted to be active

I want to LIVE my life. I want to EXPERIENCE. I want to PARTICIPATE in my life. I want to CONNECT, SHARE, and EXPERIMENT.

And when I stood back and really LOOKED at what I had gotten myself into with TheNoodle? Well… it was not gonna get me anywhere near the life I wanted.

And after thinking about it for MONTHS I came to the conclusion that I no longer wanted a relationship with him:

He wasn’t good enough for ME, it had nothing to do with me not being good enough for HIM.

He wasn’t worth my time and attention, my care, or my money. I could no longer JUSTIFY the mental, physical, emotional or FINANCIAL burden that he (and his kids) had become on my life.

My attitude changed for the better

Instead of focusing every night on how lonely I was and how upset I was that TheNoodle wasn’t honouring my feelings and needs in the relationship, I was actively doing things that I enjoyed. Instead of worrying about talking to him I was happy about being left to think for myself. Instead of wanting to see him, I found myself unhappy when he and his kids asked to visit and take up my precious free time.

I let it go.

I let go the idea that to be happy and fulfilled i NEEDED a relationship with a man.

I let go the idea that I couldn’t do things for myself, with myself, and by myself and feel “right”.

I started to focus on becoming comfortable with me.

I made a commitment to MYSELF to change the things in my life that I wasn’t happy with, and make them MINE again.

I’m not always SURE… but I know a few things right now:

• I am taking a sabbatical from dating/relationships to work on finding my OWN light
• I am focusing on my relationships with myself, my kids and my Gods
• I need time ALONE to focus on my own private work
• Sometimes the best thing I can do is housework or solitary chores
• I know when I need to be with others, I know when I need to work on solitary things
• Its okay to be a “Heartless Bitch” and enforce healthy boundaries