Randomly I participate in Jamie Ridler’s Wishcasting Wednesday meme. Sometimes I intend to do it, and forget. Sometimes I just don’t really have a concrete answer. Sometimes life just gets in the way…

So… this week’s question is:

What do you wish to have?

I notice, once I have written it down (or typed it out) that it isn’t “what do you wish you had?”… it’s not a regret, it’s not yearning, it’s looking forward to gaining something that isn’t there YET…

Profound

So what do I wish to HAVE?

1. Family.  I don’t feel particularly close to any of my family, and that’s something I don’t really know how to change.  Because I am not exactly the kind of woman my mother wanted in a daughter, I have not felt love and support growing up that fostered my innate desire to explore and take leaps of faith. While they aren’t necessarily bad, my family has not really been there for me through the worst of my divorce or after and I have ended up feeling completely abandoned.  I wish to have “family”, even not-biologically related people who stood in for family – a set of people that I felt I belonged with and who cared and supported me and whom I cared and supported, a set of people who I knew would not “I told you so” when I took risks that didn’t pan out.
2. Family (part 2). Ever since I left theEx I have felt a lack. I always wanted to be married and have children, and a part of me felt like leaving the marriage (even an abusive one) was giving up half of what I was and half of my dreams.  Since I only have joint custody, there are weeks I don’t get to see (or talk to) my children while they are with theEx, which stresses me more than the lack of life partner. It isn’t a “GOAL”, in that I don’t think that I would do anything JUST to remarry or cohabitate with someone else, but it’s something I do wish to have… someday. To have someone I love to be there at the end of the day, to raise children with someone as an equal and cared for part of a nuclear family… I wish to have a life partner and children.
3. Passion/Purpose.  I know that it’s out there… somewhere… but I have to find it. I know that there HAS to be something I am good at, good enough at something that I can make a career out of it, or good enough at something that it’s all I want to do. I’m just not sure what that is… yet. I want to have the peace of mind that comes with knowing why I am here…

What do YOU wish to have?

I often feel like the ONLY parent in the universe who has kids who are struggling. Maybe I’m just the ONLY PARENT IN THE UNIVERSE who will admit that their kids aren’t perfect angels? Maybe I’m the only parent willing to say “hey, listen, I’m struggling to find a way to help my kids”…

Or maybe my kids ARE the only ones who have “issues” as yet undetermined?

Whatever the case, 90% of my interaction with the school/teachers* has been relatively NEGATIVE in nature. It seems more often than not I am being asked to explain WHY one or the other (or both) of my children are having problems.  I am frustrated. I have no set of peers to talk to, I have no other contact with other parents whose kids MIGHT be having learning problems, or social problems, or emotional problems.  I am given to believe that my children’s issues are unique in the school and in the realm of parenting.

Part of the problem, let’s just face it now, is that they live in 2 different places**. As much as the lawyers and courts want to divide them equally, this IS affecting them. Do they have a choice? No. And so they struggle to go back and forth. And we struggle to find a balance… and I struggle NOT to pull them in 2 but STILL maintain my OWN boundaries , rules, and traditions without theEx telling me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

My son struggles to find a way to make friends, to fit into the world he finds himself in. He struggles to be what everyone ELSE thinks a 9 year old boy should be – how he should interact with his friends and peers, what he talks about, how he talks, what kinds of behaviours he exhibits when he’s angry or sad or frustrated or lonely. And we struggle to make sense of their rules and the way other kids are allowed to treat him and how adults interact with him. And it breaks my heart that, for the most part, we find more cruelty than kindness being directed at him from adults AND kids alike.

My daughter is struggling to make it in a world that she doesn’t feel quite comfortable in. She struggles to feel good about herself. She struggles to control her world. She struggles to understand what everyone wants from her. She struggles with self esteem and self worth issues. She struggles to learn to read as fast as her peers. And we struggle trying to find out what causes her issues to flare up, why somedays she can do the work and the next day she can’t. And the only thing that I can determine is the way that people speak to her – when she has positive interactions with me or her father, her babysitter, or her teachers she feels like she can do it, but if she gets snarled at or snapped at or (I certainly HOPE it’s no longer happening without my knowledge!!) spanked or punished by adults around her, she feels that she is stupid and can’t do things. It breaks my heart that we she (and I) find so many mean words directed at her.

We struggle to find a place in the world, when we feel completely alone. And, let’s face it… chances are if I feel completely alone in this world, chances are that I am (ironically) NOT the only one feeling this way.  I sometimes think that if I could find other single mothers struggling with joint custody arrangements or single mothers dealing with kids who are having trouble adjusting to living in 2 places or ANY mother who can acknowledge that her kid isn’t superior at EVERYTHING and –gasp—they also have issues learning math or reading or writing or fitting it… if I could find others like ME we could support each other.
My children are neither MONSTERS nor PROBLEMS. They are loving, caring, sensitive, human beings that deserve as much love, caring, respect, and understanding as anyone else does. So why children with learning difficulties, social difficulties, or emotional difficulties are treated more like animals than human beings is a mystery to me. It is this paradox that hurts them so much – they are told that everyone deserves to be treated well, but they are treated poorly by the adults around them, and they then treat OTHER people badly, in a vicious never-ending cycle.  

Last year I went to parent/teacher meeting to discuss the fact that my son seems to have some issues that the school board thinks are PROBLEMS. He has a hard time reading, his fine motor skills are less developed than they would like, and his social behavior is not where they WANT it to be at his age. He has trouble reading other people’s body language. He has issues with his memory (he needs more repetitions than his “average” classmate). He doesn’t respond “normally” to the behavior of other kids around him – he gets frustrated easily, his feelings get hurt “too much”, he tries too hard to get others to like him. The warning I was given by the school psychologist and teachers?

If he doesn’t learn to read social cues correctly, if he doesn’t learn to respond to other people the way everyone else does, he will continue to be rejected by his peers… AND HE WILL BE AT RISK TO START DOING DRUGS OR BECOME SUICIDAL!!

Here I was being told that he was SO FAR off the “norm” that if he wasn’t corrected now he was going to do drugs or kill himself?

It made me wonder, what message are they sending to kids? If they don’t speak to the WHOLE group about respecting the differences of others, they are perpetuating the cruelty of bullying. If they can’t foster compassion for someone who might be struggling because of illness, difference, or situation, they are contributing to the problem. Blaming the child(ren) who are struggling makes it worse – it tells THEM that they aren’t good the way they are, it invalidates THEIR feelings, lowers their expectations, and diminishes THEIR small victories. Blaming the parents doesn’t help either – it makes us feel isolated, diminishes the praise we give to our children, undermines what we do to keep them going and keep them trying.

I keep thinking that life would be so much BETTER for everyone if we stopped deciding how to make everyone FIT in, stopped encouraging the status quo, STOPPED HURTING people who are different, and supported each other and our differences. I know how much better I would feel going to the school or talking to the teachers if, instead of telling me how horrible the lives of my children will be if they don’t start fitting into the mold,

• they celebrated the small victories that the kids have overcome.
• If instead of giving up after 5 minutes and letting the kid fail, there was a way to SUPPORT the parents and their willingness to HELP at home?
• Offer RESOURCES to not only the children, but the parents/family.
• Maybe, just maybe, offering insight into activities that the kids are struggling with in school and letting the parents/family/guardians know of alternative approaches or places to go?
•  Maybe having different approaches offered at different schools so that kids who are visual learners can be taught that way, and kids who are kinesthetic learners are taught more that way, kids who respond better to hands on approaches get hands on lessons, kids who catch on easier if they do a lot of repetition GET the chance to have a lot more repetition before being forced onto the next lesson?
• TEACHING kids to do things that aren’t necessarily NATURAL (like forming letters) instead of leaving them to figure it out their own way (only to get frustrated when their methods are not as fast as the correct ones)?
• Telling the parents what their kids ARE doing well at? And if there isn’t ANYTHING the child does well… then maybe looking not at the child as the problem, but the teaching methods sometimes?

I for one have decided that life is not about how well you do in school or what your grades are… life is about connection and love and learning about the world and SHARING it with those around us. Life is not meant to be a competition… its meant to be about cooperation.

So I for one am going to focus on the small victories, the sparks of light, the hidden miracles of the everyday…

I for one am going to try and foster small people to be who they are and LOVE who they are, despite the way the world treats us…

And I’m gonna keep WRITING and hoping and trying to connect to others OUT THERE… in hopes that I am NOT the only one…

** The court won’t entertain custody hearings – because there is no reason that either of us should NOT be part of the kids lives (neither drinks, does drugs, is violent, no outstanding court issues, stable jobs, stable income, appropriate living environments) they have decided that in order NOT to waste the courts’ time or our money by having yet another contentious he said/she said case where both of us will be ordered to share the kids the way we are now. But I keep hoping that theEx will find a woman who will take him and remarry and have another family OR find a job elsewhere and move away (because I have a clear advantage in that case)…

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fifth and final (but certainly not least) of these areas was the desire to reconnect to something larger than myself out THERE. I wanted to re-visit, explore, and reconnect my soul to the Divine… even though after 12 years I wasn’t entirely SURE what I “believed” anymore…

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How have I been doing making changes?

The answer? Not at all.

The biggest thing I have let slide is looking seriously at my spirituality. Why, you may ask (go ahead, ask…)? Well… I was wondering about this too, until I reviewed how I have been feeling lately and realized I haven’t had enough solitary DOWNTIME to really sit and consider what I have been feeling or seeking or WANTING.

If I review the things I wanted to do to make changes:

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

The only thing in the list that is not a solitary practice is JOINING!! But to get to the “joining” phase I  need to do the other things. And in order to do these things, I need more than a few snatched hours alone!! This is something I have lacked for the last few years – something I either avoided or just couldn’t find a way to get the alone time or I had other obligations…

Which lead to another thing that I really needed to take a serious look at: BOUNDARIES.

Now, boundaries are likely a connecting factor with ALL the things I want to change:

• I need to set physical boundaries in terms of where I live, what is allowed within my physical space, who is allowed within my physical space, and how I decorate my home/space
• I need to set personal boundaries – for my kids, for my family, for friends, for colleagues, for people I interact with, for potential dates, for theEx – and stick to them.
• I need to set boundaries for my TIME
• I need to set boundaries for my finances
• I need to set boundaries for my journey

and as it relates to my SPIRITUALITY, I need to shore up my belief in myself in order to stand FIRM and defend my boundaries – be it not allowing theEx to corner me into discussing financial agreements best handled through the courts or telling other people “no”.

My NEW AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations.  I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.I  WILL take time for myself, with ONLY myself, and not give in to the needs of everyone else. I WILL find the spiritual in everything I do.So I will.

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fourth of these areas, the area I had just had a major epiphany about, was wanting to be more aware of the patterns in my life and to live more CONSCIOUSLY. I wanted to go from not OWNING my decisions to making mindful and meaningful decisions for myself and my family.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

The things that I was being motivated to change in my life?

• How I related and communicated with my children.
• My living environment
• Friendships, new and old
• My own interests and hobbies
• My diet and what I am feeding my children
• What I was brining into my home and spending my money on
• My spirituality
• Looking at my BOUNDARIES

I felt the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth. I am openning myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am making changes

Things I have changed!

• I left the country!!
• I met a bunch of really cool blogger type people (but unfortunately kinda fell down with ever talking to them again, I fell into the “I’m not on their level” trap)
• I bought a townhouse
• Moved to my own house
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I threw myself into dance
• I participated in an 8 week support group
• Admitted to myself that I was not happy with theNoodle and that I wanted to be treated better

Things I am still working on:

• Not worrying what theEx will do about the support amendments
• I dealing with my divorce case and making sure my lawyer LISTENS
• Ignoring theEx’s attempts to continue his abusive behavior/control
• I admitting that my marriage was abusive
• Determining my boundaries for ME
• Changing my eating habits
• Changing my communication patterns with my kids
• Getting out and joining things I want to explore
• Working own my spirituality

Things I have yet to start (but will)

• Writing on Facing East Again
• Spiritual practice/meditation/reflection
• Creating Family Goal Plan and how we want to work towards it

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it. In

Why I need to change:

MY NEW affirmation!:

I WILL let myself BLOOM.  I will give myself time ALONE.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a PERSONAL and FAMILY Plan. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL say no to things that don’t help me meet MY goals. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.

I wanted to change my relationships for the better, how am I doing?

 In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The third of these areas, my relationships, was motivated by not only the realization that my love life was in toilet and I wanted to dump theNoodle, but also because my relationships with my self, my spirituality, my kids, and my friends was suffering (partly BECAUSE of my relationship with theNoodle), and I wanted to make a mindful change.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How I am making changes:

This was the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am STILL afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I am being gentle with myself, and going slowly with this stuff.

What have I done?

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been.  YES
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.  YES
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class YES
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone – I have now completed the 8 week support group, and have started individual counseling for myself as well as my daughter.
• Join online groups for things that interest me (again, consciously of my time budget and financial budget) – I am doing the 52 weeks to Awesome and I have been participating in Jamie Ridler’s Happiness Book send around (although it was rushed a bit by the move)
•  

Things I am still working on doing better:

• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependent on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

New things that I am working towards:

• Reading and writing/journaling more.
• Seeing the new face of my family – just because I am no longer actively involved in a traditional nuclear family doesn’t mean that the kids and I are not a “family”
• Getting comfortable with taking back my maiden name (and the fact that my kids now have a different family name)
• Setting boundaries for healthy relationships
• Making out a list of “what I want in a partner” and “deal breakers” for any future relationships
• Joining the UU church in my area
• 52 Weeks to Awesome (even though I am behind)
• Sacred Journey
• Goddess Leonie’s 2010 Planner!

The BIG Change:

As I became aware of what I really wanted in my life, I realized a great deal about the way I was allowing TheNoodle to trample all over EVERY aspect of my life – nothing exsists in a vacuum, and the negativity that was theNoodle (and his kids) was starting to affect not only ME but my kids. Now that I am no longer “dating” theNoodle I have noticed:

• I am sleeping WAY better
• My  spending has been way less – I am no longer having to feed 3 extra people every week, I’m not calling long distance as much
• I am happier with MYSELF
• I am spending more time with my kids

Partially due to the end of this relationship, I have decided that, for the time being, I just don’t have the room in my life to date.  I want to spend some time getting used to being SINGLE before I jump out there again and fall into the same patterns. I want to know who I am, I want to know WHAT I want in a relationship, and I want to be aware of how I want to be treated.  I am no longer LONELY… I don’t NEED a man… and until I get to a place where I am ready to seek out and work on a HEALTHY relationship I don’t really NEED one either.

I have to admit that part of me is unsure about dating again as a single mother. There are very active double standards when it comes to single fathers and single mothers and dating – single mothers tend to have to worry more about things like predatory men, how her dating will affect her relationship with her children, how to balance dating and family, and how other people see her.  I am not looking for a replacement father for my children – they don’t NEED another father figure. I am not looking for a new husband – I am not sure if I am ready to go down the aisle again, or if I will EVER want to remarry. I don’t want someone to look after me – I’m quite capable of taking care of things myself (no matter what theEx thinks).

Right now I just can’t imagine finding interest in dating again… although I am sure that there will come a time that I will want that type of relationship again. And I have to admit that the “failure” of the relationship with theNoodle has soured me on the idea of online dating and dating after divorce, at least for the time being.

So, for now I’m focusing on my relationships with MYSELF and my kids… and the other stuff will come as it will later on. When I feel more ready for love, I will open myself UP to love… but when I do I will remember:

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships

My NEW AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children. I WILL a break from my love life to reflect on what I want for my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.