I wanted to change my living arrangement, how am I doing?

 In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The first of these areas, the area I had already started working on (and which started me realizing that I wanted more than a new home) was that I wanted to move from where I was living and into a healthier environment for myself and my kids.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How am I making this change?

I have actually completed the moving phase of this goal.  I haven’t been able to get in touch with the former Landlords to return the keys to the suite (again, I never really knew WHERE they lived to mail things back, and they aren’t local enough for me to drop things off) so that is still up in the air, but I have moved everything to the new place and I have cleaned and done the necessary repairs on the old place.

What have I completed?

I have left the negative situation

I have completed my obligation to the former landlords

I have started the process of making the house my own

What still needs to be done?

• While the kids’ rooms have been painted, there wasn’t enough time in the schedule to paint my bedroom, the living room, or the kitchen the way I wanted to. While I realize that it will be much harder to accomplish painting these rooms now that the furniture is in it, I would still like to get ONE room painted this year.
• The kitchen needs a bit of work (ie, an island and hutch) to make it workable. I didn’t realize how little counter space there was in this place and so I need to remedy this, especially since a good 25% of the available space is taken up with my coffeemaker!
• I need to unpack the boxes in the basement and organize our craft/family/movie room. I also need to fix the light downstairs.
• Put up pictures. Seriously, I haven’t had my pictures of my kids, my family, my friends, or my needle works put up for over 4 years. I OWN this place, I can put up what I want!
• I want to make a “Céad Míle Faílte”
• I need to get a coat rack and more door mats, with 2 kids I am finding that the mat I have is not quite big enough, and right now there are coats and shoes and boots all over the place!
• Decorate the kids’ rooms – the GirlChild has a canopy of sorts I am attempting to put up, the BoyChild needs a few decorations as well (I’m hoping to come up with a few interesting “video game” theme things), the Ikea lamps need to be attached to the walls. Glow-in-the-Dark stencils need to be applied J

MY (updated) Affirmation!

 I WILL make my home mine. I WILL create a space that reflects OUR FAMILY. I WILL finally put up my pictures and needleworks. I WILL showcase my spirituality. I WILL alter my environment to create ease of use. I WILL bring in whimsy. I WILL NOT care what anyone else thinks of my decisions, as this is MY space. So I will.

Some days it just feels like I am not fully equip to live in normal society.  There are a LOT of days where I feel IMMENSE and IMMEASUREABLE (although, let’s admit it I still TRY to measure it, I measure everything) guilt over the decisions I made in the past few years – right OR wrong – and how horribly I have “broken” things.

Every SINGLE day I deal with a litany of complaints from ALL arenas about my children. Either theEx is complaining because of expenses associated with the children or having to deal with some issue with that the kids are having, or it’s GirlChild’s teacher complaining about how GirlChild BEHAVES. And a lot of the issues are placed squarely on ME.

Yes. My children have some issues.  But they are fucking CHILDREN, they are going through a fucking LOT of crap in their lives, and it is NOT 100% MY FAULT. And the sooner people realize that blaming things on their mother only makes things worse for EVERYONE the better off we will all be.

Because of the pressure of trying to make EVERYTHING the way EVERYONE else in the world wants it to be, I have started counseling. There is just SO much pressure to make the kids “perfect”…

You know what? I wonder what they mean by PERFECT.

My kids:

BoyChild is a sensitive sort that has been dealing with issues surrounding not feeling like he belongs anywhere. The first 4 years of school he attended 4 different elementary schools, so he’d make friends and then we’d move… and so more than ANYTHING he wants to be part of something, to fit IN with someone. He’s a child that wants to be loved and cared about and ACCEPTED. 

It’s been hard, for sure.

BoyChild has definitely been desperate to fit in. He wants to be accepted by everyone around him – adults and children alike – and the problem is that some of the people we find in our lives will just NEVER accept him. That’s a hard thing for a child. Hell, that’s a hard thing for a lot of ADULTS. And its VERY hard for me, as his mother, to watch him struggle to be liked and accepted and still fall short. There are just some situations and some people that you can’t gain acceptance from… hard truth.

GirlChild is an anxious child. She has a lot of trouble focusing and following direction, especially when she doesn’t feel secure with the adults in her environment. That’s partly what her counselor seems to think, and I can see it being close to the truth. She isn’t WILLFULLY ignoring the “rules”, she’s asking for attention without knowing what she needs. Unfortunately, breaking the rules gets her in trouble, and getting in trouble with the adults makes her feel LESS secure and MORE scattered and LESS sure of her abilities and MORE likely to break the rules because she needs to feel SECURE.

There isn’t much I can do.

Or is there?

My counselor put this belief to the test: 

Do I validate their feelings? Sure I support them, but I really LISTEN to how they are feeling and teach them that how they feel is ACCEPTABLE?

I don’t know that I do.

Yes, that’s a HUGE failing on my part. But I believe it is something that I can recover from.

In January I mentioned things that I wanted to change in my life, and one of them was changing my parenting style – not to something that fits what OTHER people want from my children,  but to the parenting style *I* always WANTED to follow (but was prevented by the situation in which I lived and survived up until this point).

So far, I have been making slow changes in this area… but obviously there is more I can be doing.

My children, by virtue of their lives, need more acceptance and care and less strict, harsh, discipline. They are still hurting from things. And trying to “make them LEARN” through recrimination, disapproval, and spanking doesn’t work. I know this.

I know that BOTH my kids flourish and behave better when they are praised for the good they do, rather than being told they are “bad” or being spanked. When they are praised they bloom, they want more, and they REACH for it. When they are told only how bad they are being, how much they do wrong they wilt, they give up and they quit caring about the rules and the consequences.

I know how they feel…

It’s the same feeling that I had in my marriage, where I felt nothing I did RIGHT ever mattered, so why should I try? I was gonna get in trouble, no matter what I did, nothing I did was going to be rewarded, I was stupid, ugly, useless, a bitch, cold, unlovable, dumb, unwanted…

I don’t want my kids getting THAT message.

I have been uncomfortable with the idea of spanking my children for a LONG time… and yet, for quite a while I bent to the wills of those around me, those people telling me that if I didn’t want my children to become “brats” (or other hideously nasty labels) I needed to spank them to get the message through to them.  I don’t believe this. I have never believed that spanking was necessary. And yet, I spanked, and (worse) I allowed other people to spank my children.

When I had my babies I wanted to be an attachment parent – I breast fed, on demand, until they self-weened; I co-slept with them (BoyChild until  he was  1, GirlChild until she was 6 months); I wore them; I was anti-ferber/cry-it-out; I made my own babyfood; I delayed bottle feeding (pumped milk) and introducing solids – but I was vetoed on some things (cloth diapering and homeschooling) that I wanted to do.  TheEx did not agree about the attachment parenting thing. He was more than willing to leave the kids with his parents for hours (or days),  he objected to the kids sleeping in bed with us because he felt he was disturbed more with the fussing and feeding routine when we were in bed with him, and he definitely did not want the “stink or expense” of cloth diapering. The idea of homeschooling was completely out of the question since I had to agree to work outside the home when I had GirlChild.

But I let the opinions of other people, even people who really had no real right to a solid opinion on my parenting or my children, influence me.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about raising kids, and they don’t hesitate to share that with you whether you want it or NOT.

No more.

I have decided that I am going to try to focus on my OWN parenting, and not listen to what I need to do to be a “good” parent or what the kids need to be like to be “good” kids.  I am listening to my heart.

Yes, my kids have issues. Yes, they don’t always listen, they don’t always pay attention, they don’t always OBEY… but they are small people who deserve to be encouraged, not discouraged.

I am committing myself to finding the way that is right for US to be a family, to be HAPPY.

I’m gonna try not to stress that people don’t like my kids. I’m gonna find people who DO like them, and surround myself with family-positive people who will encourage me to parent positively and accept my children for who they are NOW instead of withholding love until they meet some artificial ideal.

The ideas of my ex – punishment, control, obedience – are being left behind…

I am starting to panic

No, seriously, I’m not sure if I can “get ‘er done” and get everything moved.  It feels like there is SO much to do and I don’t know if I can get it all completed in time.

This is the first time I will be moving on my own with minimal help.

The first time without a “partner” to assist in packing and cleaning and arranging things (although I did all the logistics)

The first time without family assistance

The first time I need to deal with 2 homes at once – moving stuff out , doing repairs, and cleaning the old place while painting and setting up a new place.

The first time I will OWN a place on my own

And I haven’t even started packing

You heard me, I haven’t started packing yet.

I intended to do a bunch of it this past weekend… but things didn’t work out that way. Friday found me exhausted from being kept awake late by the neighbors and then woken up AGAIN by same neighbors at 4am when they decided to turn their music UP… I was a walking zombie Friday at work.

Added to that, the stress seemed to finally catch up with me and I ended up with the beginning of a UTI. I plain didn’t feel like trying to find boxes and drag everything out and pack it up.

And then I had to run out to the Scout camp on Saturday night to go to campfire for my BoyChild because his father had only agreed to let BoyChild GO if he didn’t have to do anything other than drop him off and pick him up (and BoyChild wanted to go and for some reason hoped his father would care enough to come and participate with all the other parents at the campfire event… he doesn’t know his father very well, does he?). So in order to not make BoyChild feel like no one cared about him, I trucked my sorry (and SORE) ass out in the snow to the middle of nowhere to be there for my kid.

That’s how I roll, yo!

And Sunday… well… I wanted to REST because I hadn’t slept well and I hadn’t felt well…. I just wanted downtime.

I should have booked myself off from all other obligations and found boxes and packed. But I didn’t.

So I have to find a way to find boxes between my full time job, evening activities and obligations, housework, and parenting this week. Which I am thinking won’t be easy to do because this week I have something each evening – Scouts, Dance,  counseling appointment, support group, kids – so unless boxes fall from the sky or I purchase banker boxes I will have to wait until the weekend to start packing…

And that’s not ALL I have to do, I still have to:

• Change my address for all my accounts and things
• Get my satellite service moved
• Get internet hooked up in my house
• Choose paint colours
• Figure out when people can bring deliveries
• Disassemble things which can’t fit out the doors of the old place
• Fix doors and paint issues in the old place

And OMG taxes need to be done… and things need to be dealt with.

I don’t feel qualified to do this stuff on my own. I don’t feel like I should be solitary, but I am. I feel like I need family,  I need care and love and being part of a group that will actually work with me. Sometimes, in the dead of night, I realize that I am truly alone in a world that is dark and scary. Where I thought I would have someone to have and to hold, I have cats who only want to be fed or to trip me in the dark.

I am glad to be single right now, don’t get me wrong. The alternatives would be theEx (abusive and distant), the Stalker (hoarder and clingy, also live the cycle of abuse), or Reg (totally tuned out of life), and I am happier without any of them. I am happier without being told what to do or think or say or be or eat or feel. I am happier doing my crafty things and being active (when its not too cold out) than sitting around gaining weight and watching tv. I am happier spending my time and energy on my children, rather than on being the perfect little wifey . I am happy with my mild clutter and clean spaces rather than facing the potential of dealing with a hoarder on a daily basis.

I look forward to having a home of my own and having MY tastes and style front and center. I want to explore who I am and what I am, and have that show in my space.

But sometimes, late at night, I wish I had someone to hug. I wish I had someone to help haul crap with me.  I wish that there was someone out there who could accept me for me…

I wish it didn’t feel “too late” for a 35 year old mother of 2… sometimes its just 2am inside my mind.

In the light of day I know it will all be okay. Not because I am stronger than I think (I am) or because there will be something magical that happens to pull it off at the last minute (there might be)… but because it has to be.

I just can’t seem to slow down time to give me more space …

 What I feel needs to be changed: I want to live a more conscious life

What I realized was hurting me

Having spent the holiday/fallow season (Samhain to Yule, for those non-Pagans) in a lot of conscious thought about my life, as it was, and what I wanted to go forward… I have realized a LOT about the patterns that I fall into in my life. And the biggest pattern, by far, is not OWNING my own journey in this life.

I have been a passenger in my life!

And that CAN’T be good.

What I mean by this is this – I avoided making my own decisions many times. Why? That’s really the question here. Sometimes I did it because it seemed that other people knew what I needed more than I did. Sometimes I did it to please someone significant in my life. Sometimes I did it because it was easier. Sometimes I did it because I wanted to avoid conflict and pain. Sometimes I did it because I felt that I was unlovable and I should be accepting of whatever came my way, even if it didn’t fit me. Sometimes I did it because I didn’t feel like I could do it on my own.

It was WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

I drifted through life. I didn’t take control or speak up until it was too late. I thought that I was being intelligent, watching and waiting out the decisions of others, taking time to decide what to do. But this had never really worked well for me. I felt unheard, I felt uncomfortable in my own life…

I have made decisions retroactively rather than proactively and I have spent more time repairing my life from the mistakes that I watched happen when I faded out of my own life 

• I went to university (and took out loans) not knowing what I wanted to do
• I married a man because he asked me
• I accept relationships that are lacking
• I gave up my spirituality
• I handed over control of my finances without protest

The answers were always inside of me. I knew that things FELT wrong, I just didn’t allow myself to become conscious of what was wrong and what *I* wanted… I kept myself busy, I kept allowing people to tell me that what I was wanting/feeling was wrong, and I told MYSELF lies to explain why what I felt was wrong.

What was REALLY wrong was not listening to MY INTUITION.

How was this hurting me?

I have been drifting in my life for years. I have felt as if I have no power, that I am the “victim” of my life. Gods how I hate that term and that mindset!! But nonetheless I felt inactive in my cocoon, observing and not participating and letting things happen to me…

The waking up was a painful (re)birth (and as someone who has endured through the labour of 2 children, I can honestly say it was a different by similar birthing) of my self…

On Samhain it came to me… that niggly little feeling that SOMETHING was going to change, that I needed to OPEN myself up to it now and that things would NEVER EVER be the same (but its okay, its gonna be mostly WELCOME change, my soul whispered, don’t be afraid).

I opened a tiny crack in my armor, and started the spiritual labour of change. Suddenly instead of being a meek victim or passive passenger in the important areas of my life I was looking at things with a critical eye –

• Did I want to relate to my children this way? Could I find another way to relate to them that didn’t make me feel like crying on the floor every night? Could I find a way that we could BE a family? Could I find another system of communication with them?
• Did I want to live in this basement suite forever? Could I find a way to get out – either to find another more suitable living space or a home of my own? What would it take to get a home of my own? Did I qualify for a mortgage? If I didn’t qualify, what would it take for me to get to that place in 2 years?
• Where did all my friends go? How can I make more connections? Where can I find support through this time? Who can I turn to, when I don’t have unlimited funds to take courses and classes? How can I reconnect with the friends I used to have? How can I make NEW friends?
• What am I interested in? What happened to all my hobbies that I used to have? Do I really enjoy the activities that I am doing? What other activities would I really like to explore? Is there a way to incorporate my kids into new activities so that I don’t have to worry about babysitters?
• What am I eating? Why am I buying Coca-Cola so much when I don’t drink it and I don’t allow my children to drink it? Why am I catering to the tastes of someone else so much? Why can’t I try new combinations of flavours? What new foods can I try? Can I find a balance between budget and interest?
• What am I spending on? Why am I going over budget so often? Is there a way to control that? Why am I catering to another person rather than making sure that my needs are met first? Why am I spending on <insert item>, what need is that filling? Do we really need X now or can it be put off? Does this enrich me or take away from me?
• What calls to me spiritually? What makes my soul sing? What is just window dressing? What do I believe? What works for me? What isn’t working for me? How can I share things with others without fear? Why should I have to be afraid to share my spirituality?
• Why am I putting up with being treated this way? What do I want in a romance? Why shoudl I put up with my lawyer’s behaviour? Why am I accepting the intimidation from theEx? Why am I so afraid of being alone that I let my boyfriend decide what I get out of a relationship? Why am I allowing myself to be used? Why can’t I say NO? 

I feel the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth.  Question after question flooded through me and seized my thoughts. I opened myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am going to start making changes

I have been making a lot of changes already, riding the  wave of the storm within my soul to its inevitable conclusion…

• I left the country!!
• I met Pace and Kyeli
• and Hayden Tompkins
• and Lynnivere
• and Michelle Russell
• and Marty Whitmore
• and Megan Morris!!
• And a bunch more that shook my world in good ways!
• (and I don’t think I did THAT badly talking to new people!)
• !! I started working on my spiritual path!!
• I applied for (and qualified) for a mortgage and bought a townhouse and made plans to move!
• I looked at myself inside without being afraid!
• I looked at my HEART seriously!!
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I stopped worrying what theEx was doing or feeling responsible
• I took control of my divorce case and made sure my lawyer LISTENED to me
• I admitted that my marriage was abusive
• I admitted I wanted a LOVING relationship
• I threw myself into dance
• I signed up for a support group
• Somehow I got finagled into joining a writing group
• I started on a (quiet) spiritual exploration (which I plan to talk about over HERE soon)

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it.

Why I need to change:

I need to let myself BLOOM.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

MY affirmation!:

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a plan to afford the Shiva Nata Starter Kit from Havi Brooks. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant tear downs and questions and reasons why he didn’t like so-and-so, to avoid trouble I just stopped seeing or talking to some people.

So much of “me” changed during my marriage – I changed perspectives, I lost confidence in myself, I became a mother, I dealt with intense rejection (at home and in the arena of employment), I got a second degree, I went through turmoil having my second child, I restarted working – that by the time I “woke up” from the haze of the abuse in my marriage and got myself the hell OUTTA THERE, I felt like I was a stranger to myself.

I am seeing where fear has kept me from reaching out. I am seeing how I had internalized the abusive words, how they can float up, unbidden, and taint my new found freedoms. I am seeing how much I worry about “bothering” people, especially people I think are better than I am (my internal judgment) and how often I stop myself from asking for help, reaching out to talk to people, or joining in new activities.

I realized I have been keeping myself isolated, that I have to face the internalized judge and tell him what’s what. I isolated myself from friends. I isolated myself from family. I isolated myself from my children. I isolated myself from MYSELF. I isolated myself from the DIVINE.

How it hurts me

It HURTS to be isolated. I am the kind of person who needs balance, the extroverted introvert – the person who seeks inspiration and community, but still can enjoy time alone thinking… and needs BOTH.

I NEED other people in my life.

• I need people who will go out with me for a coffee or a walk.
• I need to talk to other people.
• I crave being introduced to new ideas.
• I need  the energy boost that comes from getting people together for a common purpose.
• I need FAMILY – both biological and created – for myself and my children. I need community.
• I need people willing to stand beside me when I have to face down my daemons, who cheer me on when I do something that might seem incredibly small and easy, but that is mind boggling for ME.
• I need people to cheer with when good things happen in the world.
• I need people to cry with me when bad things happen.
• I need people who think enough of me to come to me when they need help.
• I need community – to feel like a piece of something bigger than myself – that is out there making the world a better place.

Right or wrong, I need a place to FIT IN and be accepted and loved, so I can accept and love myself, and so I can show others that they can be accepted and loved just the way THEY are.

I have learned I don’t work as well in isolation as I do (even part time) in community with others.

How I am going to start making changes:

This is the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I need to go slow with this, and find ways to get out there and get into situations with other adults of like mind, and find ways to do it that don’t cost me a lot of money.

I know that part of it is that I have to make some changes in my life.

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been. Perhaps finding more family friendly activities? Spending time on the weekends and holidays that they have with me going to activities that they will enjoy or that stimulate them, because there WILL be other parents there too.
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class (2 classes just combined so there are new people to get to know)
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone
• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependant on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Join online groups for things that interest me
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

Why I have to make these changes

I have to take a SERIOUS look at some relationships that are holding me back. I need to examine the dynamics and patterns that are going on, and why these types of relationships (and especially allowing people to treat me these ways) are a recurring theme in my life. There is no doubt about it… I have been passive in relationships for fear of “scaring” people away by asking for what I need out of others, for fear of being “demanding” or “high maintenance”.

I have allowed other people to make the decisions of how the relationships will go, rather than looking at things and evaluating what I want. I have always gone with the flow, thinking that, especially in romantic relationships, I was “lucky” if I found someone who could accept me… and for the most part I didn’t really consider if the men in my life were good matches for ME.

When I look back on my dating history (for the most part) NOW, I see patterns that look BAD.

• I have tended to have long term relationships for the most part. Other than 3 short term things (2 in high school, one last year) my relationships tend to last a MINIMUM of 1 year.
• I start dating someone and pretty much as soon as they show interest I stop dating others and stop considering their merits for what I want.
• I tend to “go with the flow” with what my “partner” wants – if he likes sports I put up with watching constant sports, if he doesn’t like eating Chinese food I avoid eating it, if he wants to stay in all the time and never go out and do things with me I try not to complain about it – rather than finding a partner who is willing to balance with me.

Essentially, I jump in too fast, allow the man to decide almost everything (where, when, how, what) in order to keep him, fail to get my own needs met, feel frustrated at the lack of PARTNERSHIP (because I never find men I can create a partnership WITH) and stay even after I realize that things are inadequate or that there is no future with this person.

No wonder I end up with unsatisfactory relationships!!

Of course, I am usually the one making the decision to leave the relationships too… I dump, I don’t get dumped. I mean, for the most part, the guy is getting what he wants from me, its ME that is getting the shaft so of course I would be the one that sees the need to change.

My current relationship is EXACTLY in this pattern, he hasn’t expressed any interest in continuing this relationship (ie, he has stopped chatting, texting, phoning, and spending time with me one-on-one). It’s looking like time to seriously EVALUATE this, take time to myself, and decide what it is that I want before I pursue anything further. Romantic involvement takes 2, after all.

I need to do this so I will have more energy to devote to the people who DO matter – my children, my friends, my family, ME, and my soul – and find people who CONNECT to me and ADD love and value to my life rather than insecurity and sadness. I don’t need to devote time to ANYONE (in any relationship) that doesn’t nourish me, I don’t need ANYONE who doesn’t give as much as they get…

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships as well…

My AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children than on external factors. I WILL take a good long look at how my love life is going, what I want for that aspect of my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need be. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.