Randomly I participate in Jamie Ridler’s Wishcasting Wednesday meme. Sometimes I intend to do it, and forget. Sometimes I just don’t really have a concrete answer. Sometimes life just gets in the way…

So… this week’s question is:

What do you wish to have?

I notice, once I have written it down (or typed it out) that it isn’t “what do you wish you had?”… it’s not a regret, it’s not yearning, it’s looking forward to gaining something that isn’t there YET…

Profound

So what do I wish to HAVE?

1. Family.  I don’t feel particularly close to any of my family, and that’s something I don’t really know how to change.  Because I am not exactly the kind of woman my mother wanted in a daughter, I have not felt love and support growing up that fostered my innate desire to explore and take leaps of faith. While they aren’t necessarily bad, my family has not really been there for me through the worst of my divorce or after and I have ended up feeling completely abandoned.  I wish to have “family”, even not-biologically related people who stood in for family – a set of people that I felt I belonged with and who cared and supported me and whom I cared and supported, a set of people who I knew would not “I told you so” when I took risks that didn’t pan out.
2. Family (part 2). Ever since I left theEx I have felt a lack. I always wanted to be married and have children, and a part of me felt like leaving the marriage (even an abusive one) was giving up half of what I was and half of my dreams.  Since I only have joint custody, there are weeks I don’t get to see (or talk to) my children while they are with theEx, which stresses me more than the lack of life partner. It isn’t a “GOAL”, in that I don’t think that I would do anything JUST to remarry or cohabitate with someone else, but it’s something I do wish to have… someday. To have someone I love to be there at the end of the day, to raise children with someone as an equal and cared for part of a nuclear family… I wish to have a life partner and children.
3. Passion/Purpose.  I know that it’s out there… somewhere… but I have to find it. I know that there HAS to be something I am good at, good enough at something that I can make a career out of it, or good enough at something that it’s all I want to do. I’m just not sure what that is… yet. I want to have the peace of mind that comes with knowing why I am here…

What do YOU wish to have?

 With my divorce finalized, I have come to realize that the relationship with theEx has not only legally changed, but is ripe for a complete overhauling of the rules of engagement. While the rules have slowly been changing since I made the momentous step of walking out of our marital home and it has been difficult to create a sense of my complete independence from the role I played for so long.

The relationship with theEx was abusive. Verbally and emotionally theEx would use guilt and threats to subdue me and make me feel as small and unimportant as he could. Whenever I tried to create a boundary he would push through and stomp out my efforts. While most people would think that it would be easier to get away from someone who was “just” emotionally and verbally abusive than someone who hit you that’s not true.

 The was weakened boundaries for myself. Since standing up for myself, making my own decisions and trusting MYSELF were often triggers for abuse from theEx (because control was important to him) I avoided those behaviours. He could control me, and he wanted to keep that control, and anything the questioned his control/authority caused him to REMIND me who “kept” me (same with the Stalker) using care and money as a reason and induce feelings that I would have to stay.

When I broke loose and started looking at things clearly for the first time it was pretty obvious to me that I needed to decide FOR ME what was and was not acceptable. I needed to have boundaries so I could become the person I was meant to be.

I Needed to Build a Sanctuary of ME

I had to come to a place in my life where I felt safe to explore myself.

That might sound strange to some people, but the effort of avoiding negative emotions from things around me had stopped me from really finding out who I was. I hadn’t had space of my own, previously, where I felt I was free to unfurl my wings…

The first thing I did was to realize that I needed both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL space I needed time to make my home my OWN space. I wanted to sleep by myself, I wanted to do my own podcast by myself, I wanted to worship alone, I wanted to cook for myself, I wanted to parent my children alone, I wanted to watch tv, do needlework, read, write, blog, bathe…I wanted to taste life and EXPERIENCE things without having to please someone else or SHARE every single experience with someone.

I (started to) disentangle myself from a toxic relationship. Some of the elements of control and guilt and verbal abuse that I experienced in past relationships were violently waving red flags:

• being made to feel “selfish” or guilty via email for not agreeing to what the other wanted
• being made to feel pressured to share/hide my spirituality
• finding “gifts” on my doorstep intended to woo/buy/guilt me into response
• text messages/emails threatening me if I didn’t respond immediately
• attacks for my blog/diary/journals

While it was hard to leave theEx, realizing that the Stalker was just as bad wasn’t as hard. Part of realizing what I wanted in my life necessitated cutting out what I didn’t want, no matter what the other person wanted. Realizing that things were heading down a road I no longer wanted to walk, I choose to walk away. Saying that, the cutting of ties was harder than just saying that I was done. All told, I had to screen email, change locks, change my phone number and resist reacting to the threats, pleas, angry outbursts, drunk texts/calls, and viscious attacks on my blog for 6 months before I felt I could let down my guard and feel SAFE again.

 I went through a massive decluttering. I threw away/recycled/donated/gifted items that were in my home that no longer spoke of who I was. I was no longer Mrs. TheEx, after all. I was no longer bound by his rules for asthetic and status objects!

 I made room in my space for ME. I cleaned. I reflected. I enjoyed. I created sacred space for myself to shine through.

I modified my living arrangements to fit my lifestyle. The biggest thing I did was stop renting and make the jump to purchasing my own townhouse. Yes, I gave up savings, but it gave me a way out of an insecure and increasingly unlivable situation with my upstairs neighbors and a deadbeat landlord. Which lead to…

 Making lifestyle changes to fit the person I was becoming. For the first time in my life I started to really think about what I wanted my life too look like — present, near future, distant future — and I started to create a plan to get there. That meant having to make hard decisions in my life– what things I valued the most, what financial goals I wanted to meet, what interpersonal goals I wanted, what kind of relationship did I want to have with my family/kids/friends/partner/self — and start to make the necessary changes.

Setting Boundaries

Building the boundaries (for me) was a process of getting to a space and time when I was able to be secure enough in my environment to start working not just to survive but to thrive as a person. Realizing, for the first time, that my life didn’t need to be lived to please or appease another person, that I could make my own decisions without having to justify or ask permission, was a truly NEW experience for me.

I feel like a new person.

I have started to change my relationship with my (now finally truely EX) ex-husband. I would like to say that I have become an expert on setting boundaries with him and maintaining them. I would be lying if I told you that.

Like all people who are used to getting their own way, setting boundaries with theEx has had the unfortunate effect of causing theEx to… well… to throw “temper tantrums” and exhibit bullying, abusive behaviour. And, just as his past behaviour would scare me into bowing to his demands or appeasing him, I have often felt the express “need” to give in to his demands, felt guilty, felt like a shitty mother, worried about my abilities to “make it”, and accepted blame for actions that were not MINE.

I have sometimes FAILED to stand up to him and defend my boundaries. I have continually taken on responsibility for his feelings, his reactions, and his needs, at the detriment of my OWN feelings, needs, or rights. Little by little I am unpacking the words he uses, the feelings that are evoked, and what my rights REALLY are. Little by little I am building stronger boundaries with him. Little by little I am gaining personal space and letting go of the fears that gave him control over me in the past.

I am standing firm.

 My relationship with theEx has to change. And that means that his role in my life has to change:

• I will no longer be afraid of him, since he no longer holds any power over me. While I was married to him I was economically tied to him (and his spending habits), but now I am financially free from his BS. The most he can threaten to do is take me to court for not “cooperating” with him the way he wants me to… and at the worst they will charge me money and uphold the status quo because I am a good parent (albeit strict) and a healthy person
• I will no longer accept responsibility for his financial fuckery. It is a well known fact amoungst the people who know theEx that he spends money faster than he earns it. But his spending now has nothing to do with me. NOTHING. His legal expenses are his problem and I am not going to remediate his costs (I can’t trust him enough to deal with him without legal assistance) or negotiate to keep his costs low at my expense. His child support payments are the MINIMUM required by the courts… I have never asked for more than was legally owed.
• I will no longer allow the guilt or blame. I realize that theEx exercised control over me by making me feel “not good enough” because it made him more secure knowing that I was insecure, and the easiest way to make me insecure was to make me question if I was being good enough by making me feel guilt for something I haven’t done or blame for something I supposedly HAD done.
• I will no longer accept control from outside me. I will no longer worry about meeting arbitrary demands and deadlines. Since there is nothing he can really do to me if I fail to live up to his expectations, I will make the conscious effort to put a stop to his expectation that I will drop everythign to answer his calls or respond to his emails immediately. Unless someone is sick, injured or dying there is no reason he should expect me to jump to respond to his demands. Again, he has nothing he can do, other than throw a temper tantrum.
• I will not allow him to corner me. I will not enter his home, I will not invite him into mine. We have no real reason to socialize together, and I have nothing I want to “talk” to him about that desperately, and its usually a code for wanting to pressure me into some sort of clandestine agreement when HE says it…

I imagine my personal sanctuary being fortified by my “rules” — I build a door by not letting him have power over me, I create a peephole when I view but don’t respond to his “urgency” via phone or email, I create myself a piggy bank when I control only MY spending issues and stop enabling his, I create a fence when I keep him out of my home, and I create a MOAT (full of karmasharks) when I take away his power to use guilt and blame…

What do you see when you create boundaries to keep toxic people out of your life?

I’m having a hard time writing lately. Things are feeling… hard… right now. I am distracted, trying to keep so many “balls in the air” in so many aspects of my life.

It’s hard to talk about things, even here, because I know that my words will be judged.  I appreciate people READING/Listening to my words, but there are some times when I do not necessarily need the FEEDBACK on my decisions, just the support that I am doing things the way I need to do them.

That being said… I have things that I want to get off my mind that don’t necessarily need the judgment of minds outside me (although support is okay, I don’t necessarily need “shoes” thrown (to use a Havi-Brook-ism) right now)…

1. Divorce

Amazingly enough, the order of divorce has FINALLY been signed by a judge, meaning that I will legally be no longer married (according to the Government of Canada) 31 days from that date. For those keeping track, the divorce judgment was issued April 15, 2010, and so I will be legally divorced as of May 16, 2010.

I don’t know how to feel about it.  My emotions are all over the place with the finality of the ending of my marriage.  I am:

• Relieved that this part is over
• Frustrated with the way things were handled
• Upset that I failed
• Happy that I made it through, relatively unscathed
• Annoyed that theEx continues to try and muddy the issues and play games with support
• Intimidated by theEx with regards to his constant badgering me to see how he’s the one presenting things “fairly” while I am being greedy
• Disappointment with the “death” of a life I wanted – married with kids and a home
• Realization that I am better off (emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, socially) without theEx
• Unsure
• Self-loathing because I feel that he might be right in labeling me “greedy” for asking the lawyers to review the support documents rather than (yet again) agreeing with what he wants and sees as “fair”
• Proud of standing up to him and his bullying
• Afraid of the debt from enforcing my child support order
• Disappointed in theEx for trying to bully me out of support for our kids, when he makes THREE TIMES what I do
• Afraid. Afraid that I have been wrong. Afraid that the ex is right and that my asserting my NOW COURT GIVEN RIGHTS is “greedy” or “selfish” or will cause issues later on
• Virtuous. I did things right. I didn’t play dirty. I got out without bankrupting myself, and I asked for LESS THAN I was due from theEx and STILL made it through.
• ANGRY that even though I make 50-75% LESS than theEx he feels the need to constantly tell me that he can’t “live” on what he earns if he is required to pay support
• Guilt that he is “struggling” and feels that it is MY fault that he isn’t able to make his ends meet
• Frustration that I feel angry and guilty and a bit superior to him when he could definitely live within his means, rather than try to force me to give in and let him pay less and less…

2. CHILD SUPPORT ISSUE

There is a question of outstanding child support for 2009 on the table.  It shouldn’t be a shock to him, but he is trying to control the situation outside of talking to the lawyers. This is simply something he is struggling with, and getting DESPERATE trying to get me to agree with his interpretation of “fair”.

Most conversations go like this:

X: I had to wait to file taxes. I needed to be sure I had the money.

Me: I just need the forms.

X: I will get the forms when they come. But you DO see how it is unfair to have my income viewed at $X this year? They are counting it TWICE!! That’s not fair.

Me: I am not going to offer an opinion on that right now.

X: but it isn’t FAIR! 

Me: I do not know the tax and support laws/guides for this. Ask your lawyer, she’ll know.

X: But she charges me for every 2 min phone call! I can’t AFFORD that! But you can SEE its not fair this way! I can TELL Lawyer that my income is $Y and your income as $T and she will tell us what should have been paid.

Me: I am not agreeing or disagreeing. I don’t know the rules and I do not feel comfortable agreeing with you on this.

X:You’re being GREEDY!!! I have to live too you know…(much blah blah whining and email abuse about how I’m ruining him inserted here)

The funny part of this is that theEx makes THREE times what I make in a year. THREE TIMES. I don’t feel sorry for him. I don’t AGREE with him. I don’t DISAGREE with him, for the record.

I agreed to have it reviewed and dealt with… by SOMEONE ELSE, someone NOT theEx, someone who KNOWS about these things, is to look at both sets of documents and give us the answer…

I want to be protected.

3. LOVE LIFE

I haven’t wanted to write about this because I had enough of the negative reactions from people when I mentioned that I had been contacted by the Noodle.   And even worse when I mentioned that I RESPONDED to him

I got reactions that ranged from supportive but cautious to outright hostile about the Noodle. While I respect that things did not necessarily go very well between the Noodle and I, the ending was pretty much a letting go and stepping back away, not a blow out fight.  Responding to the message on FaceBook, then chatting on MSN, and talking on the phone??? Those were 100% my choices to make and didn’t affect anyone other than me and my children, and, those people are MY responsibility and no one else’s.

While there was perhaps a grain of trying to protect me from hurt, the vehemence of the proclamation that even talking to the Noodle again was “stupid” and that he was just going to “use” me again was a little disconcerting to me. Yes, the relationship went off the rails pretty early on – mostly due to lack of communication, stress of divorces (both of us were completing divorce processes), and child rearing pressures … but in the end only I know what I want and do not want in my life…

I wrote truly about the previous part of the relationship. The last day I saw him was January 1. The last time I talked to him was January 5 when I called to wish him a happy birthday. We drifted apart via MSN on January 12, and he had made it clear that he just hadn’t been interested in fighting for a future.

So I was shocked to hear from him 3 weeks ago. At first I wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, but I was willing to listen, I was open to at least a friendship. I wasn’t about to pretend that nothing happened, I wasn’t able to just ignore the fact that I had felt very isolated and alone and unwanted in the relationship for most of the time we were “together”. I couldn’t ignore the things I had done wrong, but I couldn’t brush aside the lack of willingness to care and nurture a relationship on his side either.

In the end I decided, FOR MYSELF, to give the relationship another shot. There are changes in the way things are going to go – I am not hosting weekends at my place, we’re not getting the kids together yet, the focus (whether anyone else agrees or not) is on the Noodle and I (not on our lives as single parents) and we’re communicating regularly. And even though people would rather I just stay single and focus only on my kids and my cats, I know that my life path isn’t necessarily going to follow the “approved” path that everyone ELSE wants for me…

So… there you have it: My divorce has been signed and I will be officially, legally single again as of May 16^th, I am still avoiding agreeing with theEx on back support issues, and I am once again dating the Noodle…

Any questions???

I’m sitting in my office, listening to the rain pelt the windows and wondering if anything is likely to seep through the crack in the window.  The day is grey and wet and slightly foggy, leaving a chilly mist wafting through the office whenever someone opens the door. There are piles of paperwork on my desk, and the ubiquitous sticky notes all over the monitor and my day timer reminding me of the ways I’m being pulled in different directions trying to get things done.

I’m waiting for the weekend… waiting to get out of the monotony of paperwork and stress and being questioned about the most minute details..

Weekends are my days to do chores, if I can get the time to do them. The problem has been GETTING THEM!  Because theEx likes to play stupid little games and fucks around with the custody schedule to suit his needs, I haven’t gotten many weekends without the kids:

• March 6-19 the kids were with me (2 weeks)
• March 19-26 the kids were with him (1 week)
• March 26-April 2 the kids were with me (1 week)
• April 2-9 the kids were with him (1 week)

And it doesn’t end there:

• April 9-24^th (because he has a business trip that takes him out of town until the 22^nd and he wants to have social time with the new girlfriend, he’s picking the kids up late)the kids are with ME ( 2 weeks +1 day so I have HALF a weekend)
• April 23-April 30 the kids are with him (1 week)
• May 1-May 14 the kids are with me… and the schedule goes back to normal

Until or unless he fucks around with it some more…  

Anyway, the point is that I haven’t had 2 weekends in a row to get things done since I moved into my house. Even the weekends that I haven’t had them has been taken up with other obligations that pull me away from spending time on my ME things. I find myself feeling anxious to get started things, but since I don’t have consistent time after work to pull things out and get started before I have to put things away again… well… I have found myself making a list of promises to myself that have to wait until I don’t have the kids. It will be at LEAST 4 weeks before I get an entire weekend without the kids. 

• I want to spread out the art supplies and do some art journaling.
• I want to paint the kitchen
• I want to paint MY room
• I want to paint the bathroom
• I want to decorate my room
• I want to go on a trip to Ontario
• I want to make bread
• I want to set up a bunch of OAMC recipes
• I want to clean out my car
• I want to reorganize my pantry
• I want to declutter and organize my basement and make it into a good play/family area
• I need to spend a weekend dragging things to be donated
• I need to spend a weekend looking for components to decorate with

Things I don’t see working WELL with the kids in tow.  I mean, they would LOVE to help paint the rooms, but it would be a giant disaster. They would like to go to Ontario again, but I want to get some stuff done out there that is not easy to do with tired kids in tow (and I want at least ONE night in my year to celebrate my freedom from their father… if I EVER FREAKING GET DIVORCED!!!).  Cleaning and reorganizing isn’t generally something they like to do, and tend to undo as fast as I can do it (by bringing dirt and junk in from outside).

Sometimes I just want a few hours in the MIDDLE of the day to myself. Yes, I get evenings after I put them to bed to do things, but I’m frazzled by then and I am not as productive.  And generally those hours are filled by cleaning up after supper dishes , sweeping the floors, rinsing out the bathroom sink, and washing clothes.

Lately I have been wanting time ALONE. I have been wanting to spend some quality time CREATING things FOR myself, by myself. I feel odd saying it. Sometimes I like having company, sometimes I miss my kids. Sometimes I need to be social and get out and be inspired.  But other times, especially lately, I kinda want to CREATE an not worry about entertaining someone else for a while. I find myself wanting to think my own thoughts without having to justify my own personal choices to anyone (no matter how much they care about me).

I want to create a personal space in my bedroom, with a small creating table and a small comfortable chair. I want a small creative space (a shelving unit to put my journals and craft supplies for easy access) to do my journaling and scrapbooking and art journaling and writing. I want a ladder bookshelf that leans against the wall where I can put books and beautiful objects. I want a DRESSER with a mirror so I can put on makeup when I want to. I want shelves on my walls to put pretties. I want to create an altar.

I need time to sit and contemplate my space and my needs without having to consider the needs of anyone that isn’t ME. That means letting go of the expectations of others. It means creating a zone that is only me. Creating a sanctuary. Creating a space that feeds MY spirit. And not having to share that with ANYONE. It means being able to take as much time as I want to get things right, without being rushed by anyone else. It means accepting that NO ONE ELSE MATTERS there…

I am feeling the desire to create, the urge to make my space my OWN, but not sure how to go about doing that.

I just know that it’s a pressure, a NEED…

Last week I suffered a disappointment.

Not in something that I wanted. But in my identity as a mother…

My son has been lying to me (in particular) about his homework. Yes, he has been lying to his father as well, but the fact of the matter is that he has been telling me every day for MONTHS that he has had “no homework” when, in fact he has been steadily getting farther and farther behind in his work.

Now, because the teachers have decided to allow the children to take “ownership” of their workload, my son has been coasting along without any adult intervention in this. Not once has the teacher or school indicated, to myself (or presumably to theEx) that my son was failing to complete homework or seek any indication of problems. What they did do was make some pretty strong assumptions about the situation, instead:

1. They assumed that BoyChild was incapable of being able to do the work they are assigning to him. This was decided because they have decided that he has some pretty “severe” social issues (ie, they feel he’s at risk to be ostracized by peers and therefore more likely to fail, do drugs, and/or become suicidal)
2. All his issues are being chalked up to his social issues (which, as far as I can determine, are related to the fact that he talks too much to other kids, tries too hard to fit in, and isn’t entirely able to control his emotions and sometimes gets visibly upset and weepy/angry) which they are “working on” but have yet to give any idea of what can be done at home to reinforce these practices
3. That because we are getting divorced the issues are not present in our minds, as parents, so there is no reason to be bringing it to our attention. While that might very well be an issue with theEx (who is being nothing but a douchebag to me) I have done everything I can to put my children FIRST in this situation – I have set up counseling for both of them, I have tried to give them opportunities to make friends and do things that encourage them to feel proud of themselves, sought ways to help, bought them a computer, read with them, write with them, create with them, and I spend my time WITH them instead of leaving them with someone else almost every night to do my own thing —  But I am seen as the “bad” parent here????
4. The teachers have decided that either BoyChild doesn’t care, isn’t able to do it, or that we don’t care to help him do the work. And most especially, that I am either unwilling or incapable of being a good enough parent to help my child.

What pisses ME off is that when I go to these interviews I am not taken seriously by the teachers. The last few interviews I have gone to theEx has been in tow, and when he’s there my son’s teachers defer to him (ooh… big strong ENGINEER with PROFESSIONAL credentials, he can’t do ANYTHING wrong) when I am the parent making all the effort to stay in touch with the teachers – calling on my lunch breaks, dropping everything to take calls and drive into the city to pick them up, emailing when things seem wrong, making the time to go in for their events and activities, making the baked goods for sales, REGISTERING them for school, buying supplies, and making appointments for interviews – and he’s the one that everyone thinks is a “good parent”?

It hurts… a lot. I am a way better parent than theEx, and I have been the parent that has been there for the kids since CONCEPTION, whereas he’s only really been putting in the minimal effort for 2 years since I left! I have ALWAYS been the one to be there for them, despite what has been going on in my life.

So let’s compare the parents of these children:

Myself:

• Work full time
• Have vehicle of my own
• Pay all my bills on time and most of them in full
• Have a plan to get out of debt
• Have a  home of my own
• I actively participate in activities with my kids
• I volunteer in the community
• I have decided to  stop dating in order to focus more on myself and my children
• I actively engage my children in MY life
• Take responsibility for my finances

My Ex Husband:

• Works full time
• Has vehicle of his own
• Pays bills on time
• Complains of enormous amounts of debt (including credit cards and living in his chequing overdraft)
• Has no plan to get out of debt
• Is willing to do no more than drop the kids off and pick them up from activities
• Spends every Friday and Saturday nights out dating,
• Leaves kids with his mother 2 or 3 nights per week
• Refuses to allow kids to participate in sports/activities that require parental involvement
• Wants to withdraw the kids from activities that they enjoy because it interferes with his plans  (ie Scouts,  dance) even when they are showing real self confidence in these activities
• Does not take responsibility for debt/spending issues

I’m not saying that I am a perfect parent, but I am saying that I freaking TRY. I don’t throw money at the kids or buy them video games or movies to shut them up, preferring to learn what they like and how we can do things TOGETHER. I can’t afford all the fancy things that theEx is willing to go into debt for – in car entertainment systems, 25 video games, dozens of pairs of shoes – but I give what I can, my attention, my love, my dedication, my TIME.

Yes, I make mistakes. I care too much, I might push too hard, I might want to fix things too desperately. I do everything in my power to be there for my kids.

And I fail.

I fail a lot.

My son won’t talk to me. He keeps secrets from me, things that hurt him, because he sees me as someone who will make him do things he doesn’t want to do (homework, chores, play with his sister) or who can’t give him what he wants (to find a new babysitter, spend more time with them on their days off, more electronic toys)… and that’s a continuing issue because its obviously a failure on my part to parent correctly if my children can’t trust me to help them fix things that are going wrong in their lives.

As I see it I have three options:

1. I can continue doing things the way I have been doing, even though they haven’t been working all that well.
2. I can give up on my kids and walk away from the whole mess, as obviously this is going to be a continual fight with theEx, the schools, counselors, lawyers and judges, and other parents to prove that despite my lack of stupid iron pinky ring, fancy job title, and extra stupid letters after my name (I have 7 letters after my name, he has 8), that I am not only AS GOOD of a parent as theEx, but that for the most part I am the one that does the parenting. Obviously his mother is a good enough substitute for a mother, and if the kids don’t like being with me why fight anymore?
3. I can change the way I do things, and keep changing, until I find a way that works for me and my kids – AND NOT WORRY about what works for theEx, the teachers, the school or anyone else because in the end they don’t live our lives and what they want should NOT interfere with our lives as a family.

The choice is obvious (to me)… since I’m not the kind of person to continually do the same thing and hope for different results (I’m not INSANE), and I’ve fought this long and hard to keep my children in my life no matter WHAT other people say, I need to change the way I do things until we get results that work for US. 

I am working on changing and because of this my mantra (of sorts has become):

Change is slow, but it is happening. If I fail to live up to my desired changes today, I will do better tomorrow. Nothing is set in stone. I can do better tomorrow.

I am working on this process, it is a process of letting go – I am letting go of the external locus of control of my life that, up until very recently, was held by theEx. I am letting go of the idea that everyone else knows what is “right” for everyone and that includes the school system, teachers, and counselors – whether they will accept it or not, they are not experts on my family, my ways, or my children, and I will no longer defer to their wishes over the wishes of myself and my children. Even theEx is only able to exert limited control over the running of my home and life, and a lot of that is only when I ALLOW him to do so.

I am tired of letting other people tell me that I am not good enough. I am tired of people comparing me to my ex only on the things that he can buy and earnings, without knowing the whole story. I’m tired of being judged by teachers, school administration, counselors, and others based on their PERCEPTION of what they THINK they know about the situation of our divorce – and based only on what theEx feels is the “TRUTH” because I have not felt it is ANY of these people’s business what happened to cause me to leave my husband. I am tired of having to explain to people why I do NOT feel comfortable having theEx at every meeting. I am tired of having to defend my right to talk to people on my OWN merit, as the children’s MOTHER rather than as a co-freaking-parent. I shouldn’t have to have a permission slip to seek medical attention or to talk to the teacher or principal if I think there is an issue.

I will no longer allow people to make me feel like a terrible mother just because that is what theEx tells them – I feed, clothe, shelter, educate, entertain, soothe, love, and nurture my children well beyond minimal requirements. I will not longer allow outsiders to make me (or my children) feel inadequate because maybe we are DIFFERENT.

I am no longer seeking the opinions of anyone else on how I OR MY CHILDREN are doing as human beings. I am no longer willing to offer opinion on how any OTHER people are doing. I am accepting that we are ALL struggling with something, we are all in the process of becoming, we are all deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt,  we all deserve to be given second chances, WE ALL DESERVE TO BE BELIEVED IN no matter what has kept us from achieving our all in the past.