I love…

… the newly painted green of my bedroom.

…the warmth of a kitty cat

…circles, spirals, dots, swirls

…greens, blues, indigos

…brown eyed susans on the side of the highway.

…calla lilies, roses, lilacs

…aurora borealis shining overhead at night

… being held by one who cares

…holding my children in my arms

…having a home of my own

…being part of a family, even a broken one.

…travelling, something I NEVER thought I would love when I was younger (and more naïve).

…baking and cooking (just not doing the dishes).

…trying new foods (as long as they are fish and peanut free)

…arts and crafts

…frogs

…taking pictures

… creating art

I have been doing a lot of thinking of what things I love to do, as I am still on an exquisite exploration of my me-ness. Part of this has been looking at things that I enjoy, that feed my soul, and incorporating things I love into my life to make things feel fuller. It’s something that I have regretted not spending time on in my past, because I often did the “womanly” thing and put the needs of others before myself… and I lost a lot of time learning what I do and do not like/enjoy by ignoring myself.

While I am not exactly SINGLE anymore (I am in a committed non-live in relationship) I do not want to walk down that path again, which is exactly why I am trying to use this time in my life to find out exactly what I want, like, and NEED for myself outside of my relationships with any other people.  Too soon life changes and I might not get the time or have the ability to explore or have alone time like I do now.  I don’t want to wait forever to try new things, especially knowing that my partner is NOT at all interested in trying new things with me.

While I love Reg very much, I just can’t see him being willing to take a trip somewhere new, go to an opera or ballet, take a class with me, or try a new kind of food… he just wouldn’t do it and I know from experience that there isn’t a point in pulling someone along to things they seriously do NOT want to try… it’s about as pleasant as taking a cat for a walk.

So… part of my process is trying things out on my own, for me. Not needing another person to be with me, to share things with me (although, yes, it is much more fun when you get to have an adventure with someone you love). It’s part of my process of being SINGLE (because I am not married to him, even if I am committed to seeing if this is what we both want out of life) and finding the places I can compromise my yearning for new, adventurous things with the idea of having a life partner who is there for me for the long haul, everyday type events that are truly important.

I don’t know if I will marry again, or cohabitate with anyone… that’s the future and one that’s too uncertain to speculate on.  I am planning my life for ME… and if someone else fits into it on the way that’s great (I know that my kids fit into it already, since they are part of my whole life)… but if they don’t I’m no longer going to be the kind of girl who gives up everything she is and dulls down her existence because of a man…

Never again…

So, while I have time to decide the path I want to take I am doing all I can to enjoy my life. If that means having a glass of wine with dinner, so be it (Reg is a complete teetotaler) even if my SO doesn’t share the pleasure. If I want to go out and try something new, I am willing to invite my S.O along, but I am not longer willing to forgo things just because they don’t WANT to come along for the ride.  I will no longer allow someone else tell me I CANNOT do something just because they do not want to do it…

So I have decided that I am going to try and implement a plan of action for my life:

• Take at least one class a year to learn something I love
  • Last year it was Irish dance, this year I will continue with Irish dance and if I can afford it I will take Tae Kwon Do with my son as well
  • Take myself on at least one small trip every year (within reason)
  • Save at least $100 a month into a savings account
    • By cutting cable back to basic or tier 1, my internet phone to basic, and my internet to high speed light and managing my cell plan better
    • Taking lunches instead of buying lunches for work
    • Cutting down grocery costs
    • Cutting energy costs  as much as possible (running only full loads of laundry, changing to energy efficient lights, unplugging things that are not critical when not in use)
    • Pay down my debts within 2 years (mortgage excluded J)
      • All GST, bonuses and tax refunds go to pay down debt
      • No incurring new debts
      • Pay off credit cards and consolidating into the line of credit which has a significantly lower interest
      • Move towards super secret plans J

In the mean time I will EXPERIENCE my life more…

Any tips/hints/suggestions to doing that? What do you do to EXPERIENCE life fully?

I have been thinking a lot, lately, of my personal power and how little of it I OWN.

You see… I wasn’t raised to believe that girls had any real power. Girls were supposed to be delicate, fragile, powerless creatures. We were things protected by the fierceness of our fathers, our brothers, our boyfriends, our husbands… without all these wonderful POWERFUL males to encompass our soft fragility we would be nothing.

What a load of BULLSHIT.

Yet, for YEARS I didn’t question this notion of male power. It was taken for granted, in my upbringing, that I would follow the Path that my family wanted for me – I would dutifully get my high school education, go to university and get a suitable degree in a nice cushy area of generalized “Arts and Sciences”, find a suitable man from a good, upstanding family, marry, have children and go on to continue the lines.  In my early years my grandmothers taught me the “womanly arts” – knitting, sewing, baking, cooking, gardening, cleaning, needlework – and the ways of female society. I hated it.

I was dragged to church to learn obedience and faith. I was dragged to learn to fear the male POWER that the Christian God represented and to learn (apparently) that this same power resided in not only the ministers of God, but all males — and that someday, if I was “good enough” I would be lorded over by a husband who would have ultimate say over me.

GAG ME.

Early on in my career as a woman (pretty much right after menarche) I rejected Christianity and the ideal of a Patriarchal God-Being that preferred men to women.  I out rightly denied the tenets of Christianity in my first attempt to “find myself” in my teens… and ultimately became a Wiccan.

You’d think that having rejected the God-Man-Power Triumph-ariate (yes, I made that word up) I would have awoken to my own powerful nature. But while I rejected the Male-God-Power-Over bullshit in favour of a more balanced Male-Female-Power-Sharing spiritual ideal I never quite made the mental leap to intimate relationships being equal partnerships…

In SPIRITUALITY I was willing to raise and celebrate my own power, yet I continued to life my mundane life as if my gender identity meant I needed to be cared for and protected and lorded over by the Godhead of a male figure. I continued in my social life, to believe that I needed to have a boyfriend and eventually a husband, to fulfill the female destiny and to take my place in society.

UTTER. FUCKING. BULL. SHIT.

What can I say, hindsight IS 20/20,what I can see standing on the fallout of 36 years of life shows me that I had the power all along, I was just afraid to use it. And what was more, that someone, somewhere KNEW that girls had power, and tried to teach the impressionable ones (like myself) that wanted to please, that in order to  have a place in the world they needed a MAN to hold them up.

So, here I sit… resting on the baggage of 36 years of experience on this earth, and what do I see clearly:

• Everyone, from my grandmothers to the school system to the formalized religious institutions, was AFRAID of the power that I held. Instead of teaching our girls to embrace their powerful natures as much as our boys, our culture seems to have tried to deny us the power.  Men hold power, women cower. Despite how far we have supposedly come, there are still people teaching their daughters to FEAR being FIERCE, SELF EMPOWERED PEOPLE, and I was one of those daughters!
• The abuse I suffered from theEx came about because, right from the beginning of the relationship, I handed him not only the right to use HIS power but MY power as well. I would never have accepted the “I am your husband, I have the RIGHT to make the final decisions” bullshit if I hadn’t BELIEVED he had in some ineffable, inalienable RIGHT given to him by virtue of his owning a fucking PENIS! This belief in this could be explained by virtue of upbringing and culture, but more than that I need to OWN the fact that I never once scrutinized these things or challenged the way they were.
• The best way for ME to change the world, is for me to change MY world. That means CHALLENGING the things I take for granted and NOT letting the world wash over me as “the way it is”.
• I can start now, challenge the way things are and find the way they work best FOR ME without it bringing down the whole of the fabric of society.
• And for THAT matter, the idea that we have to follow certain customs or norms in order to maintain this fabric of society? That’s another load of bullshit.

So… also looking back, things I wish that I had known these truths:

• Have a man if you want, but don’t be afraid to leave him.
• You have the right to change your mind, even in love.
• Divorce is not failure.
• No one has the right to abuse you physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, financially or sexually.
• Protect your body from harm but if someone does you harm SPEAK UP and don’t be ashamed for THEIR actions.
• You don’t need to get married; you can choose to get married.
• Love is not something to be hoarded or something that only one group of people is allowed to celebrate.
• Babies are a blessing, not a curse. Don’t marry for the sake of children.
• Never quit learning, and don’t ever let anyone tell you learning something is a waste.

Now is the time for me to Challenge the status quo and come into my power…

I hope it’s not too late for me….

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fifth and final (but certainly not least) of these areas was the desire to reconnect to something larger than myself out THERE. I wanted to re-visit, explore, and reconnect my soul to the Divine… even though after 12 years I wasn’t entirely SURE what I “believed” anymore…

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How have I been doing making changes?

The answer? Not at all.

The biggest thing I have let slide is looking seriously at my spirituality. Why, you may ask (go ahead, ask…)? Well… I was wondering about this too, until I reviewed how I have been feeling lately and realized I haven’t had enough solitary DOWNTIME to really sit and consider what I have been feeling or seeking or WANTING.

If I review the things I wanted to do to make changes:

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

The only thing in the list that is not a solitary practice is JOINING!! But to get to the “joining” phase I  need to do the other things. And in order to do these things, I need more than a few snatched hours alone!! This is something I have lacked for the last few years – something I either avoided or just couldn’t find a way to get the alone time or I had other obligations…

Which lead to another thing that I really needed to take a serious look at: BOUNDARIES.

Now, boundaries are likely a connecting factor with ALL the things I want to change:

• I need to set physical boundaries in terms of where I live, what is allowed within my physical space, who is allowed within my physical space, and how I decorate my home/space
• I need to set personal boundaries – for my kids, for my family, for friends, for colleagues, for people I interact with, for potential dates, for theEx – and stick to them.
• I need to set boundaries for my TIME
• I need to set boundaries for my finances
• I need to set boundaries for my journey

and as it relates to my SPIRITUALITY, I need to shore up my belief in myself in order to stand FIRM and defend my boundaries – be it not allowing theEx to corner me into discussing financial agreements best handled through the courts or telling other people “no”.

My NEW AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations.  I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.I  WILL take time for myself, with ONLY myself, and not give in to the needs of everyone else. I WILL find the spiritual in everything I do.So I will.

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fourth of these areas, the area I had just had a major epiphany about, was wanting to be more aware of the patterns in my life and to live more CONSCIOUSLY. I wanted to go from not OWNING my decisions to making mindful and meaningful decisions for myself and my family.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

The things that I was being motivated to change in my life?

• How I related and communicated with my children.
• My living environment
• Friendships, new and old
• My own interests and hobbies
• My diet and what I am feeding my children
• What I was brining into my home and spending my money on
• My spirituality
• Looking at my BOUNDARIES

I felt the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth. I am openning myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am making changes

Things I have changed!

• I left the country!!
• I met a bunch of really cool blogger type people (but unfortunately kinda fell down with ever talking to them again, I fell into the “I’m not on their level” trap)
• I bought a townhouse
• Moved to my own house
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I threw myself into dance
• I participated in an 8 week support group
• Admitted to myself that I was not happy with theNoodle and that I wanted to be treated better

Things I am still working on:

• Not worrying what theEx will do about the support amendments
• I dealing with my divorce case and making sure my lawyer LISTENS
• Ignoring theEx’s attempts to continue his abusive behavior/control
• I admitting that my marriage was abusive
• Determining my boundaries for ME
• Changing my eating habits
• Changing my communication patterns with my kids
• Getting out and joining things I want to explore
• Working own my spirituality

Things I have yet to start (but will)

• Writing on Facing East Again
• Spiritual practice/meditation/reflection
• Creating Family Goal Plan and how we want to work towards it

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it. In

Why I need to change:

MY NEW affirmation!:

I WILL let myself BLOOM.  I will give myself time ALONE.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a PERSONAL and FAMILY Plan. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL say no to things that don’t help me meet MY goals. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.