I wanted to change my relationships for the better, how am I doing?

 In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The third of these areas, my relationships, was motivated by not only the realization that my love life was in toilet and I wanted to dump theNoodle, but also because my relationships with my self, my spirituality, my kids, and my friends was suffering (partly BECAUSE of my relationship with theNoodle), and I wanted to make a mindful change.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How I am making changes:

This was the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am STILL afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I am being gentle with myself, and going slowly with this stuff.

What have I done?

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been.  YES
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.  YES
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class YES
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone – I have now completed the 8 week support group, and have started individual counseling for myself as well as my daughter.
• Join online groups for things that interest me (again, consciously of my time budget and financial budget) – I am doing the 52 weeks to Awesome and I have been participating in Jamie Ridler’s Happiness Book send around (although it was rushed a bit by the move)
•  

Things I am still working on doing better:

• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependent on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

New things that I am working towards:

• Reading and writing/journaling more.
• Seeing the new face of my family – just because I am no longer actively involved in a traditional nuclear family doesn’t mean that the kids and I are not a “family”
• Getting comfortable with taking back my maiden name (and the fact that my kids now have a different family name)
• Setting boundaries for healthy relationships
• Making out a list of “what I want in a partner” and “deal breakers” for any future relationships
• Joining the UU church in my area
• 52 Weeks to Awesome (even though I am behind)
• Sacred Journey
• Goddess Leonie’s 2010 Planner!

The BIG Change:

As I became aware of what I really wanted in my life, I realized a great deal about the way I was allowing TheNoodle to trample all over EVERY aspect of my life – nothing exsists in a vacuum, and the negativity that was theNoodle (and his kids) was starting to affect not only ME but my kids. Now that I am no longer “dating” theNoodle I have noticed:

• I am sleeping WAY better
• My  spending has been way less – I am no longer having to feed 3 extra people every week, I’m not calling long distance as much
• I am happier with MYSELF
• I am spending more time with my kids

Partially due to the end of this relationship, I have decided that, for the time being, I just don’t have the room in my life to date.  I want to spend some time getting used to being SINGLE before I jump out there again and fall into the same patterns. I want to know who I am, I want to know WHAT I want in a relationship, and I want to be aware of how I want to be treated.  I am no longer LONELY… I don’t NEED a man… and until I get to a place where I am ready to seek out and work on a HEALTHY relationship I don’t really NEED one either.

I have to admit that part of me is unsure about dating again as a single mother. There are very active double standards when it comes to single fathers and single mothers and dating – single mothers tend to have to worry more about things like predatory men, how her dating will affect her relationship with her children, how to balance dating and family, and how other people see her.  I am not looking for a replacement father for my children – they don’t NEED another father figure. I am not looking for a new husband – I am not sure if I am ready to go down the aisle again, or if I will EVER want to remarry. I don’t want someone to look after me – I’m quite capable of taking care of things myself (no matter what theEx thinks).

Right now I just can’t imagine finding interest in dating again… although I am sure that there will come a time that I will want that type of relationship again. And I have to admit that the “failure” of the relationship with theNoodle has soured me on the idea of online dating and dating after divorce, at least for the time being.

So, for now I’m focusing on my relationships with MYSELF and my kids… and the other stuff will come as it will later on. When I feel more ready for love, I will open myself UP to love… but when I do I will remember:

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships

My NEW AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children. I WILL a break from my love life to reflect on what I want for my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.

So… here we are at the end of the week.

Let’s recap how this week went:

The Bad Stuff

Officially breaking off my relationship with R.
 SOOO much harder than I expected, given that I was pretty much “girding my loins” (snicker) to do just this for the last few weeks as I realized that we
1) viewed our relationship very differently,
2) were going in pretty much OPPOSITE directions, and
3) I was almost CERTAIN that R had been seeking out another relationship behind my back for a few months and I DIDN’T CARE.

But losing the “girlfriend” status also meant being officially “single” again, which is something that I am not entirely comfortable being.  AND… all the things that he had agreed to help me with for my move, not gonna happen.

Anxiety, Nightmares and living in a situation that constantly triggers me.  
Like many people who have overcome abusive situations, I have things that can trigger anxiety in me. One of my BIGGEST triggers is being around MALE people who are under the influence of something (drugs or alcohol)… especially if I don’t KNOW the men in question. So imagine how hard it is for someone like me to live in a house where the people living ABOVE me party almost EVERY night!  Yes, my upstairs neighbors have friends over almost EVERY night and they always drink. The drunks like to invade common areas – the hallway between our suites, the laundry room, the back yard – and play ‘games’ such as writing rude things on my car, deflating my tires, and trying to open the door to my suite. I don’t know these people at all, and I don’t appreciate feeling like someone is going to walk in on me at any time, so my level of anxiety has been SUPER high lately, leading to panic attacks, headaches, and nightmares.

GENERAL ACK stuff

Divorce STILL not done
Yep, I am still waiting on my lawyer to finish this up. I am to sign the official affidavit on Monday, though. Then theEx has to sign it and it goes to the court. Or at least that is what I was told the last time. This is ack-some because:

1. theEx has been allowed to continue to intimidate me and use money to control me through out this process, with my lawyer doing nothing to stop it other than to say “document it” (I have been, thanks, you didn’t TAKE my documentation!!)
2. I want to pay off the debt that my lawyer has caused, but I only want to have to do it ONCE so I am waiting on final billing, which won’t happen until the divorce papers come back.
3. I can see theEx trying to play douche-bag games with me over child support, since he’s trying to do it NOW, and forcing me to incur MORE legal debt

So, yeah, ACK.

MOVING STUFF
Like I said before, R had agreed to help me do a few things around my current place to help me get ready to move, and they aren’t really things I know how to do on my own. And I don’t own necessary TOOLS to do these things either. So, between having to hire someone to help me repair a doorframe, and likely having to beg more people to help me paint and move big heavy things, this move is looking a little more stressful than it was before.

I have SO much to pack and declutter, I have to pick out colours for rooms, I have to pick out a washer/dryer set and a few pieces of furniture I don’t have… just a list of a bunch of stuff…

Kids going to their Fathers for 2 weeks
 While this DOES give me time to get some cleaning, decluttering and packing done, I really HATE when they are with him. Since he’s an abusive, self-centred person I can’t imagine him as a very good father (he wasn’t involved when we were together), and he’s on the shared custody kick only to punish me and to minimize the amount of child support he pays. He also refuses to let them call me when they are there, which makes the ache that they are gone worse…

The GOOD STUFF

The Being Single Again
Yes, the being single again is part of the un-joyous suck part of this week… but it is also a HUGE RELIEF. Since I had become aware that things were not good with R (about a month ago) there were a lot of things that I realized I needed to decide FOR MYSELF.  Being with R meant:

• Not being able to go out for a nice meal that wasn’t a hamburger or pizza (the only 2 meals the man eats)
• Becoming a teetotaler  – I’m not a big drinker, but having the OPTION once in a while without being made to feel like I was clubbing baby seals would have been nice
• Being stressed about disciplinary issues with his kids – whether  it was my children feeling ignored or his kids hitting or R threatening the children with spankings, there was a lot of stress surrounding the parental roles
• Never having a mature relationship

Being single again means being MYSELF for ME, and learning to be me instead of trying to impress some man. Maybe I’m late to the party, but I finally figured it out : If I have to pretend to be someone else to have a man like me, then he’s not someone I want to be with.

Being single means not having to think about what someone ELSE might need in my house. Being single means I can play MY music and do my writing and MY hobbies and not have to worry about entertaining someone else all the time.  It means making MYSELF feel good about things and not always second guessing what someone else wants.

Good Bye “R”… have a good life…

New Practices!!

• Yoga! I have been checking out yoga videos from the library and trying them out. I still haven’t found consistent time to do them, and I am working on that, but I’m trying. Even my cat is getting into yoga!
• Reading before bed! For the last few years reading was a luxury for vacations without the kids. But now that the kids are getting older, there seems to be a lot more time for reading. I bought a $6 lamp from Walmart a few weeks ago, and since then I have reinstated the reading before going to sleep ritual that I had practiced for most of my life (but left behind when I left theEx).
• Nightly Tarot draw! Okay, so there are times, especially this week, when I have forgotten to pull a card, but since January 1 I have been pulling one to three cards from my deck and reading up on the symbols and meanings. Interestingly enough the last card I pulled (Weds night) was the Death card!! If you know about the Tarot, and Paganism, you know that this isn’t necessarily a bad omen… and it really spoke about what I needed right then.
• Soulful awareness! I am starting to slow down and really think about what resonates with me – from what I want to eat to what I want to read to what colours to choose for my new home, being aware of how things affect me and the effects they have on energy around me is really profound.
• Journaling! Not as much as I want, but I’m getting better with at least writing down 5 to 6 lines per night. Someday I will want to know how I felt about this period in my life, and how I got to be so spiritually aware…
• Meditation! Every night before I go to sleep I have been using guided meditations to oven myself to self-love and balancing my chakras!
• Trying new recipes! The weeks that I don’t have the kids (and some that I do) I try out new recipes that I think *I* will like! Being sick of burgers, chicken fingers, and other “kid” foods, I have started to try new tastes and flavours!

Realizing that I am NOT alone
For years I had lived the belief that theEx had every right, as a husband, to treat me the way he did, and that it was my PERCEPTION of the normal husband role that caused me to fail in our marriage. I had several counselors through my marriage (including my marriage counselor) and after assure me that what I went through was abusive, that even though theEx will tell everyone in the universe that I was a horrible wife, mother, and woman, the truth of the matter is that I had every right to decide that enough abuse was enough and to walk away instead of induring it.

To that end I found a group in the city that provides a support group for women who have gone through ALL KINDS of domestic violence. While it is sad to note that there are that many of us living this way, it is nice to know that I am not crazy, that I’m not just a whiner for leaving someone who controlled and ignored the needs of his family.

It’s also nice to know that there are bloggy people out there who care about someone they have never met! When I posted about feeling alone the night that my relationship officially dissolved, I got quite a few people mention the blog community. While I am still very new, and I don’t have much reach, it is nice to know that there are SOME people out there. And then when I was feeling low, I got assistance from a Twitter pal: @Fabeku, who shared with me some wonderful and healing sacred sound recordings that I can’t wait to try out tonight!!

Tonight I am going to make the most of the fact that I have the night off  (even though I miss the kids). I am going to clean my kitchen, then make myself a lovely chickpea and greens stir fry with couscous for supper,  maybe I’ll pick up a nice white wine and have a glass, light a candle, and have a bath…

Have a good weekend… whoever you are out there!!!

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to show some interest.

So, through type, the way the relationship started, it ended. With a whimper, not a bang. There was no fighting, no tears, no harsh words or recriminations. It just wasn’t anymore and we both knew it hadn’t BEEN for months. 

ALONE again

There were no tears. I didn’t expect any. After all, he hadn’t called much, he had stopped texting me months ago. I was feeling used and unwanted and I knew I had to end it. And yet, at the point of ending, when it truly hit home that he didn’t have any interest in fighting to stay with me? It hurt… a lot.

I sat, alone, on my couch staring at the closed computer, wishing desperately that I could run off and be supported by a friend or two.  But there is not one friend out there I knew I could call to ease the pain.

Not one.

Not one person who would listen and hold me.

Not one person I could call on the phone.

Not one person who would even be mildly supportive via text.

 The dark thoughts started to take over:

I am utterly and completely alone in this world now. I mean, I have my cats, and I have my kids… but I have to be strong for THEM, I am their support network they are not there to be mine. That makes the feeling of emptiness all the harder to face, somehow. I can’t crumble, because there won’t be anyone there to help pick up the pieces, and my kids NEED me. Without them I might as well not exist anymore… and that really is the truth of the matter now.

Not one person, besides my children, would miss me if something bad happened to me. It could be 2 weeks before anyone cared to seek me out, if anything happened. I’d bet that my cats would just happily chew on me… after all, my daughter tells me I am made of meat.

Only a few days ago there was someone who might have pretended to care. I know he didn’t, not really, not anymore… but the illusion was there

There is no illusion anymore.  

R is no longer someone who would care for me, who I could call. He no longer wanted me. And there was emptiness in my soul, there was a pain in my heart, there was gloom. There was utter and complete loneliness in the darkness and quiet in my house. Sitting in the dark and quiet feeling desperate to talk to SOMEONE, realizing that there was no one I could think of that I could lean against right now.

I felt disconnected from everyone.

I know that this is my own fault, not knowing quite how to make friends with new people, not knowing how to connect to people, how to stay connected… for being so introverted and hidden and afraid that now I am alone in a big, wide, TERRIFYING world, when what I need is support and caring and to be touched and connected to again.

My loneliness is MY fault

I don’t know how to change any faster than I am! I am unhappy feeling friendless. I am unhappy being disconnected from the larger community… and I know this feeling is motivating me to CHANGE how I approach social situations.

I can’t hide so much. So much of my life has been lived in fear – afraid of being punished, afraid of being “bad”, afraid to rock the boat, afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to be rejected – and it has been very hard to overcome my natural desire to hide who I really AM. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what everyone ELSE wants from me that my own MEness has been pushed aside in hopes that THIS time I’m doing it right.

But you know what? I’m okay the way I am.  Sure there are things I want to change, ways I want to grow… but I’m a good person and maybe, just maybe, if I let people see ME they might like me.  And if they don’t like me, then they aren’t my RIGHT PEOPLE (thanks Havi).

I don’t have to be a teetotaler to be “good enough” or “spiritual enough” (thanks Pace!), it only matters WHY I choose to drink or not drink

If I want a tattoo I can get one, there is nothing wrong with being a “freak”… freaks are some of the greatest people I have met so far (and just having a tattoo doesn’t make one a freak…) (Thanks Pace AND Kyeli).

If I want to write, who cares if I suck? If I am silly sometimes does that mean I can never be serious? If I get hurt, if I cry, if I am terrified… is that really such a bad thing? Can’t I reach out when I feel this low without worrying that asking for help will be annoying or bothersome to someone? And if it is, do I really want people like that in my life?

I just don’t know where to START!!

• I write, but I don’t know if anyone reads (is anyone OUT THERE?? And if you are, do you know how to get my analytics to work? Or how to upgrade my WordPress since it keeps nagging me to do it?)
•  I try to comment on other blogs, although for the most part I am a lurker mostly because I read on RSS feed rather than visiting blogs.
• I am involved in Boy Scouts,
• I’m taking a dance class,
• I joined a support group (Beyond Abuse),
•  I think I got talked into a local writer’s group.

Any other ideas of how to build relationships (both online and offline) that are flexible and inexpensive?

I cannot survive ALONE anymore. I am a social creature…

 What I feel needs to be changed: I want to live a more conscious life

What I realized was hurting me

Having spent the holiday/fallow season (Samhain to Yule, for those non-Pagans) in a lot of conscious thought about my life, as it was, and what I wanted to go forward… I have realized a LOT about the patterns that I fall into in my life. And the biggest pattern, by far, is not OWNING my own journey in this life.

I have been a passenger in my life!

And that CAN’T be good.

What I mean by this is this – I avoided making my own decisions many times. Why? That’s really the question here. Sometimes I did it because it seemed that other people knew what I needed more than I did. Sometimes I did it to please someone significant in my life. Sometimes I did it because it was easier. Sometimes I did it because I wanted to avoid conflict and pain. Sometimes I did it because I felt that I was unlovable and I should be accepting of whatever came my way, even if it didn’t fit me. Sometimes I did it because I didn’t feel like I could do it on my own.

It was WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!

I drifted through life. I didn’t take control or speak up until it was too late. I thought that I was being intelligent, watching and waiting out the decisions of others, taking time to decide what to do. But this had never really worked well for me. I felt unheard, I felt uncomfortable in my own life…

I have made decisions retroactively rather than proactively and I have spent more time repairing my life from the mistakes that I watched happen when I faded out of my own life 

• I went to university (and took out loans) not knowing what I wanted to do
• I married a man because he asked me
• I accept relationships that are lacking
• I gave up my spirituality
• I handed over control of my finances without protest

The answers were always inside of me. I knew that things FELT wrong, I just didn’t allow myself to become conscious of what was wrong and what *I* wanted… I kept myself busy, I kept allowing people to tell me that what I was wanting/feeling was wrong, and I told MYSELF lies to explain why what I felt was wrong.

What was REALLY wrong was not listening to MY INTUITION.

How was this hurting me?

I have been drifting in my life for years. I have felt as if I have no power, that I am the “victim” of my life. Gods how I hate that term and that mindset!! But nonetheless I felt inactive in my cocoon, observing and not participating and letting things happen to me…

The waking up was a painful (re)birth (and as someone who has endured through the labour of 2 children, I can honestly say it was a different by similar birthing) of my self…

On Samhain it came to me… that niggly little feeling that SOMETHING was going to change, that I needed to OPEN myself up to it now and that things would NEVER EVER be the same (but its okay, its gonna be mostly WELCOME change, my soul whispered, don’t be afraid).

I opened a tiny crack in my armor, and started the spiritual labour of change. Suddenly instead of being a meek victim or passive passenger in the important areas of my life I was looking at things with a critical eye –

• Did I want to relate to my children this way? Could I find another way to relate to them that didn’t make me feel like crying on the floor every night? Could I find a way that we could BE a family? Could I find another system of communication with them?
• Did I want to live in this basement suite forever? Could I find a way to get out – either to find another more suitable living space or a home of my own? What would it take to get a home of my own? Did I qualify for a mortgage? If I didn’t qualify, what would it take for me to get to that place in 2 years?
• Where did all my friends go? How can I make more connections? Where can I find support through this time? Who can I turn to, when I don’t have unlimited funds to take courses and classes? How can I reconnect with the friends I used to have? How can I make NEW friends?
• What am I interested in? What happened to all my hobbies that I used to have? Do I really enjoy the activities that I am doing? What other activities would I really like to explore? Is there a way to incorporate my kids into new activities so that I don’t have to worry about babysitters?
• What am I eating? Why am I buying Coca-Cola so much when I don’t drink it and I don’t allow my children to drink it? Why am I catering to the tastes of someone else so much? Why can’t I try new combinations of flavours? What new foods can I try? Can I find a balance between budget and interest?
• What am I spending on? Why am I going over budget so often? Is there a way to control that? Why am I catering to another person rather than making sure that my needs are met first? Why am I spending on <insert item>, what need is that filling? Do we really need X now or can it be put off? Does this enrich me or take away from me?
• What calls to me spiritually? What makes my soul sing? What is just window dressing? What do I believe? What works for me? What isn’t working for me? How can I share things with others without fear? Why should I have to be afraid to share my spirituality?
• Why am I putting up with being treated this way? What do I want in a romance? Why shoudl I put up with my lawyer’s behaviour? Why am I accepting the intimidation from theEx? Why am I so afraid of being alone that I let my boyfriend decide what I get out of a relationship? Why am I allowing myself to be used? Why can’t I say NO? 

I feel the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth.  Question after question flooded through me and seized my thoughts. I opened myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am going to start making changes

I have been making a lot of changes already, riding the  wave of the storm within my soul to its inevitable conclusion…

• I left the country!!
• I met Pace and Kyeli
• and Hayden Tompkins
• and Lynnivere
• and Michelle Russell
• and Marty Whitmore
• and Megan Morris!!
• And a bunch more that shook my world in good ways!
• (and I don’t think I did THAT badly talking to new people!)
• !! I started working on my spiritual path!!
• I applied for (and qualified) for a mortgage and bought a townhouse and made plans to move!
• I looked at myself inside without being afraid!
• I looked at my HEART seriously!!
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I stopped worrying what theEx was doing or feeling responsible
• I took control of my divorce case and made sure my lawyer LISTENED to me
• I admitted that my marriage was abusive
• I admitted I wanted a LOVING relationship
• I threw myself into dance
• I signed up for a support group
• Somehow I got finagled into joining a writing group
• I started on a (quiet) spiritual exploration (which I plan to talk about over HERE soon)

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it.

Why I need to change:

I need to let myself BLOOM.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

MY affirmation!:

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a plan to afford the Shiva Nata Starter Kit from Havi Brooks. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant tear downs and questions and reasons why he didn’t like so-and-so, to avoid trouble I just stopped seeing or talking to some people.

So much of “me” changed during my marriage – I changed perspectives, I lost confidence in myself, I became a mother, I dealt with intense rejection (at home and in the arena of employment), I got a second degree, I went through turmoil having my second child, I restarted working – that by the time I “woke up” from the haze of the abuse in my marriage and got myself the hell OUTTA THERE, I felt like I was a stranger to myself.

I am seeing where fear has kept me from reaching out. I am seeing how I had internalized the abusive words, how they can float up, unbidden, and taint my new found freedoms. I am seeing how much I worry about “bothering” people, especially people I think are better than I am (my internal judgment) and how often I stop myself from asking for help, reaching out to talk to people, or joining in new activities.

I realized I have been keeping myself isolated, that I have to face the internalized judge and tell him what’s what. I isolated myself from friends. I isolated myself from family. I isolated myself from my children. I isolated myself from MYSELF. I isolated myself from the DIVINE.

How it hurts me

It HURTS to be isolated. I am the kind of person who needs balance, the extroverted introvert – the person who seeks inspiration and community, but still can enjoy time alone thinking… and needs BOTH.

I NEED other people in my life.

• I need people who will go out with me for a coffee or a walk.
• I need to talk to other people.
• I crave being introduced to new ideas.
• I need  the energy boost that comes from getting people together for a common purpose.
• I need FAMILY – both biological and created – for myself and my children. I need community.
• I need people willing to stand beside me when I have to face down my daemons, who cheer me on when I do something that might seem incredibly small and easy, but that is mind boggling for ME.
• I need people to cheer with when good things happen in the world.
• I need people to cry with me when bad things happen.
• I need people who think enough of me to come to me when they need help.
• I need community – to feel like a piece of something bigger than myself – that is out there making the world a better place.

Right or wrong, I need a place to FIT IN and be accepted and loved, so I can accept and love myself, and so I can show others that they can be accepted and loved just the way THEY are.

I have learned I don’t work as well in isolation as I do (even part time) in community with others.

How I am going to start making changes:

This is the hardest of the things I want to change, because there is so much internal STUCKNESS surrounding going out and becoming KNOWN to other people again.

I am afraid. Plain and simple, all my resisting and excuses come down to that. I need to go slow with this, and find ways to get out there and get into situations with other adults of like mind, and find ways to do it that don’t cost me a lot of money.

I know that part of it is that I have to make some changes in my life.

• I have to put more focus on my family than I have been. Perhaps finding more family friendly activities? Spending time on the weekends and holidays that they have with me going to activities that they will enjoy or that stimulate them, because there WILL be other parents there too.
• Continue talking to people and getting to know the other parents and leaders in the Boy Scouts movement.
• Getting to know the other women at my Irish dance class (2 classes just combined so there are new people to get to know)
• Phone the counselor back and be put on the list for the support group, so I can get to know other women who have been through similar situations and know I’m not alone
• Comment on blogs, and keep commenting on things that interest me. I like getting comments, so I assume others like getting (positive) comments as well.
• Respond via email to people who comment on my blog! I know I like when people do this, because it makes me feel like they SEE me (and we all really want to be SEEN by people we respect, don’t we)
• Less time with people who make me feel bad about myself
• Join things that I am interested in (but this will be dependant on financial situation, budgetary constraints, and schedule)
• Join online groups for things that interest me
• Write about the things that interest me… what better way to find people with common interests
• TRY to be active on Facebook (although its difficult for me, because I am not really comfortable on that) and twitter.

Why I have to make these changes

I have to take a SERIOUS look at some relationships that are holding me back. I need to examine the dynamics and patterns that are going on, and why these types of relationships (and especially allowing people to treat me these ways) are a recurring theme in my life. There is no doubt about it… I have been passive in relationships for fear of “scaring” people away by asking for what I need out of others, for fear of being “demanding” or “high maintenance”.

I have allowed other people to make the decisions of how the relationships will go, rather than looking at things and evaluating what I want. I have always gone with the flow, thinking that, especially in romantic relationships, I was “lucky” if I found someone who could accept me… and for the most part I didn’t really consider if the men in my life were good matches for ME.

When I look back on my dating history (for the most part) NOW, I see patterns that look BAD.

• I have tended to have long term relationships for the most part. Other than 3 short term things (2 in high school, one last year) my relationships tend to last a MINIMUM of 1 year.
• I start dating someone and pretty much as soon as they show interest I stop dating others and stop considering their merits for what I want.
• I tend to “go with the flow” with what my “partner” wants – if he likes sports I put up with watching constant sports, if he doesn’t like eating Chinese food I avoid eating it, if he wants to stay in all the time and never go out and do things with me I try not to complain about it – rather than finding a partner who is willing to balance with me.

Essentially, I jump in too fast, allow the man to decide almost everything (where, when, how, what) in order to keep him, fail to get my own needs met, feel frustrated at the lack of PARTNERSHIP (because I never find men I can create a partnership WITH) and stay even after I realize that things are inadequate or that there is no future with this person.

No wonder I end up with unsatisfactory relationships!!

Of course, I am usually the one making the decision to leave the relationships too… I dump, I don’t get dumped. I mean, for the most part, the guy is getting what he wants from me, its ME that is getting the shaft so of course I would be the one that sees the need to change.

My current relationship is EXACTLY in this pattern, he hasn’t expressed any interest in continuing this relationship (ie, he has stopped chatting, texting, phoning, and spending time with me one-on-one). It’s looking like time to seriously EVALUATE this, take time to myself, and decide what it is that I want before I pursue anything further. Romantic involvement takes 2, after all.

I need to do this so I will have more energy to devote to the people who DO matter – my children, my friends, my family, ME, and my soul – and find people who CONNECT to me and ADD love and value to my life rather than insecurity and sadness. I don’t need to devote time to ANYONE (in any relationship) that doesn’t nourish me, I don’t need ANYONE who doesn’t give as much as they get…

I deserve relationships that are: LOVING, RESPECTFUL, RECIPROCAL, NURTURING, and BALANCED. I deserve, and will HAVE, relationships that give back, where I matter as much as the other person. I will have relationships with people who care about ME and not just what they can get from me, people who are willing to work on relationships… and I WILL become the kind of person who works on my necessary relationships as well…

My AFFIRMATION:

I WILL spend time being with my friends and family. I WILL focus more on my children than on external factors. I WILL take a good long look at how my love life is going, what I want for that aspect of my life and find a way to make it happen. I AM NOT afraid to start over again, if need be. I  love myself again. I WILL do things that make me happy first and foremost. I WILL reconnect with old friends who are good for me. I WILL let go of relationships that hurt me. SO IT WILL BE.