Frozen Nowhere

I Want to change my RELATIONSHIPS for the better

What I realized was hurting me:

The last 10 years have been, essentially, LONELY. If I were to pick a theme/word for the last decade of my life, it would be “Loneliness”. And while I understand that life changes, and people fade out of your life, feeling isolated and alone HURTS.

I lost touch with my friends because I got myself wrapped up in my relationship with theEx. Some of it was normal “just falling in love and starting a life together” stuff that people go through with new relationships. Some of it was due to intense disapproval of my friends (and family) by theEx – and to avoid the constant…

2007 was a year of FREEDOM — freedom from abuse, freedom from my husband, freedom from a toxic work environment, and freedom from former expectations of who I was.

2008 was a year of HEALING — healing from the abuse, healing from financial turmoil, healing from fear, healing anxiety, and healing my soul.

2009 has been a year of GROWTH — growing more financially stable, moving towards goals, growing as a family of 3 instead of 4(as with x) or 5 (when we lived with my parents), growing more comfortable with who I am now, and moving upwards and onwards

This year has been about change and movement forward. It has been about getting back out there, getting back writing,…

I have a confession to make:

I’m not doing well lately.

I have been trying to hide it, trying to put a happy face on, trying to ignore all the things that feel like they are falling down around me while I try to shore up everything at once, trying to believe that I can do this on my own without even the merest sense of friendship or support coming my way.

It’s not working for me (shock, awe, gasps of horror).

I mean, trying to do it all on my own has likely not been working for me for YEARS (and I say this honestly, I was doing it all on my own BEFORE I even considered leaving my

…

What if…
 
yesterday was one of those days where it kinda felt like nothing was going right:

• TheEx emailed me asking what the heck was going on with the divorce, and why he hadn’t received anything to sign yet.
• Had to email the lawyer (and his supervisor) regarding the fact that he had continually let me down and failed to respond to inquiries
• Babysitter let me know that my son is STILL avoiding eating almost everything by spitting things out in the toilet (not puking it up, JUST spitting)
• went to get the computer that I have picked out for the kids to use (I need to get BoyChild more into

…

Four days Away…

I want to write about the first vacation I took my kids on.

I want to write about my time with Serin.

I want to write.

But…

Well… previous attempts at detailing previous trips to visit with Serin have been rather… well…. boring. Not that that is an unusual thing, it seems that I have issues with trying to find my “voice” in my writing. I write too much detail, I try to keep the good snippets alive by writing out EVERY LAST boring thing, I never seem to have any point, and the entries seem to be endless blathering nonsense that no one cares about.

And with the struggles of the last 2 years, leaving my…