Yesterday…

… I worked to get my IM working, only to be told that the issue wasn’t with any of the friends on my contact lists.

… I reconnected my email accounts.

… I cried

… I realized that as much as it hurt, it was necessary to let it go.

… I left the lawyer another message.

…I decided to travel even if I had to go alone.

… I wanted to bitchslap someone.

… I wanted a change of scenery.

… I finished my book and realized Ididn’t have another.

… I realized that I didn’t have to forgive and forget, because that is not necessarily a moral “good” in my world.

…I delighted in the colour of my room.

Today…

…I yawned so hard I hurt my jaw.

… I spent 30 minutes arguing with the printer over whether or not there actually WAS a paper jam (there wasn’t, its evil).

…I decided to look into travel plans despite setbacks.

… I asked a friend forgiveness knowing that sometimes things can’t be repaired.

…I made alternate arrangements.

… I wondered at the douchery that is my ex-husband (again).

… I acted as secretary for the ex.

…I lost my patience with the lawyer (again) and am considering just settling the matter once and for all.

… I spent some time thinking about connections.

Tomorrow…

… I will decide if I want to move forward from here.

… I will broach the subject of travel.

…I will look into my heart and see if I want to forgive someone.

… I will realize that you can never go back, only forward.

…I will hope

…I will spend time being quiet

…I will no longer wait to hear your voice.

… I will make plans of my own with no conditions.

Jamie Riddler asks us this week: What do you wish to NOURISH?

There are 3 things that I wish to nourish right now:

1. 1. Sovereignty – the quality of not caring what other people think of your YOUNESS. With my struggles of coming into my own, I want to nourish and nurture the blossoms of my sovereignty. I have had to make a few visceral decisions lately that are going to be hard for me to stand up for. They are right for me, in the way that leaving the abuse was right for me, and I need to own these decisions. I have a feeling that some people might not be necessarily happy with my decisions, but I know these decisions are right for MY life and MY path… even if no one understands or supports me.  I know what is right for me, and I am not going to accept criticism because my life doesn’t fit into someone else’s plan for me…
2. 2. My Voice – this goes along with the Sovereignty thing in a way. My voice is the way I express myself, and how I write. For the past year I have been pretty inundated with reading the kind of blogs that have one unifying thought – passion based entrepreneurship. I have been trying to focus myself and discover myself and find my passion and what my DESTINY is… blah blah blah blah…  What I really want, RIGHT NOW, is to find my voice again and not worry so much about how everyone else did that and made enough to not work 9-5 (hell, I work 8-5!! 9-5 would be SWEEET)… I want to nurture the emerging VOICE in my writing, and leave behind the WORRY of trying to pay my bills with my writing. I’m not there yet… and that’s okay. It’s EVEN okay if I never get THERE…
3. Friendships – Not unusually I am finding myself greatly lacking in friendships right now. I would like to cultivate more friendships, both online and off. I want to find people who are interested in friendship and which have common interests with me…

So that’s my wish for the week

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to show some interest.

So, through type, the way the relationship started, it ended. With a whimper, not a bang. There was no fighting, no tears, no harsh words or recriminations. It just wasn’t anymore and we both knew it hadn’t BEEN for months. 

ALONE again

There were no tears. I didn’t expect any. After all, he hadn’t called much, he had stopped texting me months ago. I was feeling used and unwanted and I knew I had to end it. And yet, at the point of ending, when it truly hit home that he didn’t have any interest in fighting to stay with me? It hurt… a lot.

I sat, alone, on my couch staring at the closed computer, wishing desperately that I could run off and be supported by a friend or two.  But there is not one friend out there I knew I could call to ease the pain.

Not one.

Not one person who would listen and hold me.

Not one person I could call on the phone.

Not one person who would even be mildly supportive via text.

 The dark thoughts started to take over:

I am utterly and completely alone in this world now. I mean, I have my cats, and I have my kids… but I have to be strong for THEM, I am their support network they are not there to be mine. That makes the feeling of emptiness all the harder to face, somehow. I can’t crumble, because there won’t be anyone there to help pick up the pieces, and my kids NEED me. Without them I might as well not exist anymore… and that really is the truth of the matter now.

Not one person, besides my children, would miss me if something bad happened to me. It could be 2 weeks before anyone cared to seek me out, if anything happened. I’d bet that my cats would just happily chew on me… after all, my daughter tells me I am made of meat.

Only a few days ago there was someone who might have pretended to care. I know he didn’t, not really, not anymore… but the illusion was there

There is no illusion anymore.  

R is no longer someone who would care for me, who I could call. He no longer wanted me. And there was emptiness in my soul, there was a pain in my heart, there was gloom. There was utter and complete loneliness in the darkness and quiet in my house. Sitting in the dark and quiet feeling desperate to talk to SOMEONE, realizing that there was no one I could think of that I could lean against right now.

I felt disconnected from everyone.

I know that this is my own fault, not knowing quite how to make friends with new people, not knowing how to connect to people, how to stay connected… for being so introverted and hidden and afraid that now I am alone in a big, wide, TERRIFYING world, when what I need is support and caring and to be touched and connected to again.

My loneliness is MY fault

I don’t know how to change any faster than I am! I am unhappy feeling friendless. I am unhappy being disconnected from the larger community… and I know this feeling is motivating me to CHANGE how I approach social situations.

I can’t hide so much. So much of my life has been lived in fear – afraid of being punished, afraid of being “bad”, afraid to rock the boat, afraid to speak up, afraid to reach out, afraid to be rejected – and it has been very hard to overcome my natural desire to hide who I really AM. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what everyone ELSE wants from me that my own MEness has been pushed aside in hopes that THIS time I’m doing it right.

But you know what? I’m okay the way I am.  Sure there are things I want to change, ways I want to grow… but I’m a good person and maybe, just maybe, if I let people see ME they might like me.  And if they don’t like me, then they aren’t my RIGHT PEOPLE (thanks Havi).

I don’t have to be a teetotaler to be “good enough” or “spiritual enough” (thanks Pace!), it only matters WHY I choose to drink or not drink

If I want a tattoo I can get one, there is nothing wrong with being a “freak”… freaks are some of the greatest people I have met so far (and just having a tattoo doesn’t make one a freak…) (Thanks Pace AND Kyeli).

If I want to write, who cares if I suck? If I am silly sometimes does that mean I can never be serious? If I get hurt, if I cry, if I am terrified… is that really such a bad thing? Can’t I reach out when I feel this low without worrying that asking for help will be annoying or bothersome to someone? And if it is, do I really want people like that in my life?

I just don’t know where to START!!

• I write, but I don’t know if anyone reads (is anyone OUT THERE?? And if you are, do you know how to get my analytics to work? Or how to upgrade my WordPress since it keeps nagging me to do it?)
•  I try to comment on other blogs, although for the most part I am a lurker mostly because I read on RSS feed rather than visiting blogs.
• I am involved in Boy Scouts,
• I’m taking a dance class,
• I joined a support group (Beyond Abuse),
•  I think I got talked into a local writer’s group.

Any other ideas of how to build relationships (both online and offline) that are flexible and inexpensive?

I cannot survive ALONE anymore. I am a social creature…