Instigator….
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I currently own over 20 blank books. I have decided that I need to start keeping a daily journal again, and what better way to do this than in one of the multitude of blank journals I own? I am gonna take pictures and see if anyone out there is interested enough to give an opinion on which I should use!
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Obviously I can blog. I am going to keep up with the blog. And I am gonna try to translate SOME of the blogging into my scrapbooking. I have started an “Embrace the Suck” scrapbook all about myself and the things that make me tick. This will be featured mostly on the Embrace the Suck Project blog, along with my attempts to knit and sew
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Back to the Podcast!
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More hobbies… but the part that I need to work on is to get OUT THERE and be with other people.
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Take my kids travelling (Toronto this year)
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RELAX and play more with crafts and stuff…
NO! He didn’t!!!!….
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all nice about how much he had changed, how things were going good but how he missed our friendship and how he was sorry for his past behaviour and was “ready to try being friends again”
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whining about how things went wrong and why I was wrong in letting these things stop me from seeing how great he was to me
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sad posts about how much he missed me and how he wasn’t “right” without me in his life, how he didn’t want to live and how it was bad because I was just so mean to him after all he had done for me (notice, here, that he brings up things I didn’t ask for or even KNOW about all the time)
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attacking emails about my serious flaws (lack of empathy, not listening enough, not caring enough for the things he did for me and how much he did without being asked and without me KNOWING (creepy), not trusting) and how I wasn’t perfect and how I needed to be told (by him) all the things that no one else in my life would ever tell me
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piles of shit about how much he felt I had to work on, all the things I needed to think about and do differently, how much I was failing at everything in my life, and how we could be perfect together
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back to the apologetic emails promising he was “done” with that and that he had had his say and that he was ready to be friends again…
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how horrible it was that I dated and slept with the FireFighter,
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how horrible FireFighters were AS PEOPLE,
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how dating “strangers” was akin to self-harm and self-destruction
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that having “fun” in the sexual sense was abusive towards myself
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how I was going to be abused by yet another man because it was my pattern (obviously)
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that I was likely infected with something because of the relationship with the FireFighter
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that i HAD TO stop seeing the FireFighter (it actually came down to a “Promise me that you won’t see him again… PROMISE ME… PROMISE ME!!!! type thing)
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how I was doing it to get back at him
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how I was going to lose my children because I was going down a path that wasn’t “good” for any of us
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how he loved me anyway… but he couldn’t continue to “be with” me because I was putting him at risk (um… #1. how does it risk YOU, since I have pretty much stated that I never EVER want to sleep with you EVER again? #2. safe sex? #3. NOT YOUR BUSINESS)
Geis
A geis is a traditional Gaelic term defined as “an idiosyncratic taboo whether of obligation or prohibition, similar to being under a vow or spell”
When I first started on my path I made a vow that I would keep sacred secrets, and as asked to do so by true friends through my life. I have kept my geis sacred to this day. I have only had the geis invoked 2 times in my life, both prohibitions laid upon me by people I considered true friends. Both friends have now walked out of my life, in very different ways… and yet I will have not let go of the geis.
Do you let go of a sacred promise, when a friendship ends? I can’t let go. I have let go of the friends, when the friendships past through the veil, and yet there are these things, these sacred ties that bind me. I have promised. I will not break that. No matter what.
And through these promises I have kept silent portions of my life, memories that Only I hold. I have (and will never) speak of them or write of them. I have never recorded them in pictures or words, never written in a diary, not even a paper journal. These things are too precious, too raw for that kind of examination.
Why do I keep the promises, after they no longer hold meaning for anyone but me?
I suppose it is because I feel the mystery of the situation. Someone cared enough about this, to ask me to promise to keep their trust in this way. And as long as the knowledge is not that of harm to them or another person, as long as there is no threat against me, I will not speak or write in any way until such a time that my geis is lifted.
And I know it never will be.
There is no way.
And so I keep my words safe and my memories of my dear friends close, and I silently bless the trusts that I hold so dear.
I think on these promises, every year at this time. I take time to think on things of the past year and make sure that I have done everything to protect my trust. It hurts no one to keep the silence, and yet it connects me to a more sacred duty.
And so I hold my silence ever more…
Acceptance (the Final stage)
This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.
My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.
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