Finality
November19
A few years ago I made a mistake. Its a mistake I regret, but it is an indication of larger patterns in my life that I have ignored up until this point.
I see it now.
14 years ago I cut ties with a friend because I was feeling terrible about myself and worried that I was falling in love with him.
13 years ago I agreed to marry STBX, because I believed that no one else would ever care for me.
8 years ago my friend came back into my life. He was my best friend and a person that meant a lot to me.
4 years ago I “disappeared” from his life, I moved from the house I was living in and crammed into a house owned by my (Soon to be ex) Father-in-Law AND his grindingly oppressive fundamentalist Christian church where I could (and WOULD) be watched by my XFIL and XMIL and all comings and goings would (and WERE) reported dutifully back to STBX. I knew that I could no longer be a friend to this man under those conditions… and so I did what I thought was the only thing I could do… and I didn’t tell him I was moving. One day he phoned (when I was not home) and left a message saying that he was going to drop off a present for BoyChild’s birthday on my deck… at the old house where I no longer lived. And I knew, by the second message, that he was crushed to realize I no longer lived there.
I never knew if he understood the situation. He knew of so much of the control and constraints that I lived in. He knew that STBX was starting to control my every move more and more. He knew that STBX had forced me into counselling… and he knew secrets from the times that I had made the attempt to get away from STBX before. But this time I felt I couldn’t confide in him. This time I felt like he wouldn’t be able to understand my need to try to save a marriage that made me feel like an ugly, useless, unwanted, and unlovable person every day. And that is because I didn’t understand it myself…
And so I walked away. And I mourned the death of my “Self”. I lost my friends (he wasn’t the only one I was required to cut myself off from) and my spirituality (because I couldn’t be caught with things that my XFIL spoke against in his church on CHURCH PROPERTY), and my family (STBX constantly spoke against my parents and forbid my brother from visiting because he didn’t have the proper “reverance” of Christian Ministers)… And I entered the period of my “death/sacrifice” awaiting my “rebirth”.
About 1.5 years ago I was “reborn” through my choice to leave my marriage and to reclaim my “SELF” — my spirituality, sexuality, dreams, thoughts, and creativity. And I went through a period of a more settled “rebound” situation where I pretty much avoided dealing with the pain of my failure in marriage and my failures that resulted in and were caused by my marriage.
Two months ago (today) I went through a transformative session, which resulted in me coming face to face with the issues that I had avoided in my personal and spiritual life, and which set me on the path of soul searching that I think I desperately needed to be on. The results of this were spectacular and manyfold:
1. I decided that I could no longer continue to pretend that I was doing anything more than harming my spirit by staying in the rebounding relationship, and I made attempts to cull that relationship (although obviously cutting it back to “friends” wasn’t the correct way to go).
2. I joined a gym to make the effort to become more physically active (and potentially have more energy which will improve my spirit and enhance my spiritual practice) and also to get myself OUT more and away from hiding behind things that are “safe” — like the rebound relationship and the computerize socialization
3. I have forced my remaining friend to do scrapbooking with me the weeks that I do not have the kids (laugh) which gets both of us out of the house and into the glare of other females. I just have to get better at getting pictures printed for this.
4. I have joined 2 dating sites. I have started to engage people in conversation. I have started to go out and MEET people. I have socialize d in person, with people I had not met before. I had the sex. I have been having fun. I have met someone that I think I am interested in and would like to get to know better, but I am not sure if that is something I should be ready to do yet (although, I am armed with the full knowledge that I can go back to the online dating thing if need be… the fear of it has dissipated, mostly).
5. I have started doing creative work. Maybe just a little at a time, but it is still creative work.
6. I have taken back control of my finances. I have a budget I have a plan. I no longer play the role of “damsel in distress”, I stand on my own…
7. I have contacted and been forgiven by friends for past sins. I have reconnected with a few. I have acknowledged the forgiveness when I recieved it. I have acknowledged the silence when that is all I have in response. I reconnected with those who are willing, and I am letting go those who wish I never came into their lives. This is hard.
Samhain has come and gone… and before Yule comes I have a few more weeks of understanding and learning about who I am, who I HAVE been, and who I will BECOME. (I think in the NEXT post I will talk about my plans for the upcoming time before Yule… because I am a bit wordy and it bothers some people…)
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