OOOh… what a great question!!

I have to note that I haven’t been spending a lot of time doing things I enjoy lately. It seems that whenever I have a free moment I have been getting things done – cleaning, cooking, preparing, organizing, rearranging, working – and so when I first read this I was all  like “ooh, fold the laundry and sweep the floors”…

While I can fully recognize that I need a certain level of tidiness and housework to be done in order to have a sense of all around well being, I also need to recognize that I should not allow the guilt of what isn’t done to keep me from doing things that make me feel ALIVE.  These 2 needs constantly pull me in opposite directions, and I need to make peace and make space for each of them in my life.

How I wish to spend some time… the PRACTICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time every week going through my house for items of clutter, and releasing them into the “wild” – donating them to charity, selling them on Kijiji, throwing them away, or otherwise getting them out of my house and home space.
• I wish to spend some time every month going through recipes as well as my pantry and freezer, and making up “make ahead” meals for myself and my children so that we can stop relying on eating out so often.
• I wish to spend some time each week CLEANSING my space and making it into a reflection of ME.

How I wish to spend some time… the WHIMSICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time with each of the colours of the rainbow… I want to get intimate with colours in all varieties – spreading them out in my art journal – and release the fear of being too bold or brash or other negative words.
• I wish to spend some time journaling every day, before my kids get up or after they go to bed.
• I wish to spend more time UNPLUGGED.
• I wish to spend some time submerged in an experience every month.

What do YOU wish to spend some time doing?

Long ago, around 20 years or so, I had a dream.

It wasn’t a glamorous dream.  It wasn’t a glittery dream. It wasn’t a blazing, take over the world dream. It wasn’t something that would get me lauded in halls of fame or infamy…

It was just a dream, a goal, a Path.

Somewhere on the Path I laid down my pack, sighed in resignation, and took another road. I took a road that was touted as “Better” and “Leading to Success” and “Stable”… I took the Path that made my family happy, “oh look, she’ll have a career, she’ll be able to look after her self!” and made my (now ex) husband happy, “oh thank God she will get a job that will PAY for the lifestyle I want without being an embarrassment to me”… and that made everything think I was a sensible, mature, adult…

I walked away from the Path that led to my dream – it was too “uncertain”, there was “no money in it”, it was too “new agey, woo woo”… and no one believed I could “make anything of” myself in that career.  

I would like to say I actually TRIED to make the new Path work, but my heart wasn’t in it. I tried my hardest to veer off the Path, to show those who had pooh-poohed my dream SEE that I wasn’t meant to be an office drone.  But I was good at school, and I made my way successfully through a program by finding the few things that were interesting enough to potentially work towards.

My heart wasn’t in it. Instead of planning a grand career that would take theEx and I to wonderful new heights of wealth (or debt the way he spent) I was planning a family and a simple, happy, impossible (since we had different ideas of this) life with children and a SMALL, modest home. While my husband wanted the grand dream home, 2 cars, all the toys and trinkets, I wanted FAMILY and love and a partner who would be part of my life.

I sabotaged my marriage. I got pregnant early on the new Path to my career and had to slow down  and then mere weeks before I was to finally graduate, at the beginning of a Gods-Honest CAREER path, I chose to have my daughter rather  than take the brass ring. With that choice to parent rather than follow the Path set for me, the death knell rang on my marriage.

Now… 3 years out of my marriage, 7 years out of school, 10 years out from the original divergence I am starting to wonder – what was so WRONG about the original DREAM that everyone steered me down the other Path?

Why can’t I find a way, even 10 years late, to follow a dream? Maybe my dream won’t make me wealthy… but its probably not destined to drive me to the poor house either.  Perhaps I won’t be wildly successful, but I might be at peace with MYSELF and who and what I am. Maybe I will disappoint those who love me… but maybe they will learn that they don’t always know what is best for me?

There is nothing really WRONG in becoming the person I want to be – even after a 10 year detour.

I have a lot of trouble saying “no”, even when I know I need to.

It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, just to say “no” to things that I do not want… but this is something I am working on changing.

Why do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”?

Honestly, there are a variety of reasons that I do this:

• I want to belong. This is the strongest one, because I can feel it pulling me into things I don’t have the time, energy or finances to do. I have spent more of my life looking for people to interact with and a place to belong than any other goal in my life, and even though I haven’t made any headway in this area, I continue to say “yes” to activities where I might find people to talk to and belong with.
• I feel obligated. This is particularly strong where my children are concerned – because I am a divorced parent I feel that I have something more to prove to the other mothers, something that I lack from having chosen to divorce the father of my children.  This is particularly strong when I am receiving judgement from the school system or my children’s teachers.
• I feel guilty saying “no”. This is strongest when I am confronted with a situation where I am propositioned to be NEEDED for something. Usually, this is a volunteer position that I am needed for, taking time and energy away from other things that I need to do (either for myself or my family), but because of the awkwardness of saying “no” I agree to do things…

So yeah, I people please… for a variety of reasons, either wanting to belong and fit in or because I feel that I will be letting someone else down, I do things that I do not want or have time to do.

It happens over and over.

Now I’m starting to look at this part of my personality and actually start to say “no” to things I do NOT want to do. It’s been harder than I expected, let me explain…

 Saying “NO” to the Boy Scouts of Canada

Last year I decided to get BoyChild involved with the Cub Scouts. When I was signing him up I got the pitch that they needed more leaders or the program wouldn’t be able to be sustained (guilt)… and I thought that it would be a great way for me to be more involved with my children (obligation) and I had been a leader before with the Girl Guides of Canada (belonging) so I said I would “think about it”.

I didn’t really get much chance to think about it because right from the minute they sensed that I might do it they ramped up the sales pitch, and before I knew it not only was BoyChild signed up for Cubs but GirlChild was signed up for Beavers  and I was being groomed as a Beaver Leader.  Within one the costs started to rise:

• $150/kid to be signed up
• $30 for me to sign up and $35 for my police record check
• $75 for uniforms for the kids, $50 for a uniform for myself
• $10 for the Cub handbook
• $2 every meeting for dues (for 30 meetings =$60)
• Camp fees all year  ($20/person/camp for 4 camps = $240)
• $300 in  Camping GEAR
• $50 for fundraisers

By year end I had spent at least $1000 to be part of this group.

Every meeting I was cornered and asked when I was going to do more training, telling me I needed to “step up” and do more. By mid-December I was expected to attend committee meetings once a month, to do online training, to volunteer more, and plan more activities and events.

It wasn’t good for ME and it wasn’t good for my FAMILY. I was feeling pinched in my finances and every time I turned around the group wanted MORE from me. Making extra meetings meant sacrificing time with my children and sacrificing time getting their homework done and proper meals cooked. It meant giving up sleeping in on Saturday morning. It meant feeling rushed. It meant letting other people down.

It was hard to step back and say – “while I want to be part of this group (belonging need) and I believe that this is a good thing for my children (obligation) and I understand the need for qualified leaders (guilt) I just do not have the capacity to meet your requirements of me either financially or with my time” – and even harder to realize that it is TRUE and its OKAY.

I needed to say “no, I can’t do it” and not offer excuses or reasons. I didn’t OWE them a reason, my stating I would not be able to be there for them this year had to be enough.

What I learned:

It is OKAY to say “no”, without offering an explanation. In this case there was no way that the other leaders and committee members were able to understand my point of view.  It is sufficient for me to say “I cannot do this” without having to offer excuses or explanations or reasons or humiliating myself by explaining that I can’t afford something on my budget.

I have the right to say “I do not have the extra time for this” without an argument – after all, only *I* know what I have or do not have time to add to my life.

It’s OKAY to not belong. The requirements of membership in this group were too expensive – both in terms of money and time.

It’s okay to shift priorities. While I realized quite early on in my stint as a Beaver/Cub leader that it wasn’t really something I could sustain long term, I did my best to meet all the requirements of a leader for my term with them. I did not shirk my duties and I tried my best to meet their demands with the demands of a full time job, parenting, and personally rewarding activities. In the end, I realized that while I enjoyed Scouting, and my children enjoyed Scouting, it wasn’t high enough up on our priority list for this year.

Saying “no” is not burning bridges. This summer I had another situation which I had to say “no”… this was very difficult for me because, like the other situation, it was something that I really wanted to be part of. I had applied for a scholarship to an online workshop type thing, and had received a partial scholarship – which was still a bit beyond my budget. I didn’t want to disappoint the workshop leaders, whom were people I respected and wished to be friends with, but after a few weeks it became apparent that the material presented was just not right for who I was at this point in my life. Luckily they graciously accepted me stepping down from the course, understanding that right now was not a good time for me to accept the information they were giving me.

Sometimes it’s okay to have no reason to say “no”.  As I get to know myself I have started to realize that sometimes it pays to listen to that little voice inside me telling me not to do something (or, to do something no matter what it takes). I don’t have to understand WHY something feels right or feels wrong, I have to go with the feeling.

Don’t rush into decisions. Because my time and resources are finite, and because I have to juggle work and kids and leisure activities for all of us, I need to be more careful agreeing to things. Like the Scout Leading, quite often there are more time or money requirements that aren’t immediately apparent and thinking about these things, and determining how saying “yes” to this might affect other priorities, is essential.

Meet YOUR needs BEFORE you please other people. For me it’s always easier to avoid confrontations by agreeing to do what will make the other person happy, if possible. Often that means putting the needs of the other first and subsuming what I need to do to make myself happiest.  Its NICE to please other people, but the $1000 I spent on the Scouting experience could have been put towards the Dream Vacation (DisneyLand) and we’d be 25% closer to our dream.

It’s okay to think in terms of money, or time, or interest. So maybe not everything in your life HAS to be socially motivated. That’s OKAY! It’s okay to sacrifice for something that has a higher priority, even if it is more “me” time when people think you SHOULD be more social!

So, while I still FEEL guilty when I say no, these experiences have made me step back and start to focus on my priorities and what *I* want out of life – for my social experience, for my money, for my family – and not to keep being bullied into what other people want.

What do you (if there are any YOUS out there anymore) do when you want to say “no”? Have you ever had a time when you said “yes” to something that you knew you should have said “no” to? What steps do you take to avoid the “no” guilt?

I love…

… the newly painted green of my bedroom.

…the warmth of a kitty cat

…circles, spirals, dots, swirls

…greens, blues, indigos

…brown eyed susans on the side of the highway.

…calla lilies, roses, lilacs

…aurora borealis shining overhead at night

… being held by one who cares

…holding my children in my arms

…having a home of my own

…being part of a family, even a broken one.

…travelling, something I NEVER thought I would love when I was younger (and more naïve).

…baking and cooking (just not doing the dishes).

…trying new foods (as long as they are fish and peanut free)

…arts and crafts

…frogs

…taking pictures

… creating art

I have been doing a lot of thinking of what things I love to do, as I am still on an exquisite exploration of my me-ness. Part of this has been looking at things that I enjoy, that feed my soul, and incorporating things I love into my life to make things feel fuller. It’s something that I have regretted not spending time on in my past, because I often did the “womanly” thing and put the needs of others before myself… and I lost a lot of time learning what I do and do not like/enjoy by ignoring myself.

While I am not exactly SINGLE anymore (I am in a committed non-live in relationship) I do not want to walk down that path again, which is exactly why I am trying to use this time in my life to find out exactly what I want, like, and NEED for myself outside of my relationships with any other people.  Too soon life changes and I might not get the time or have the ability to explore or have alone time like I do now.  I don’t want to wait forever to try new things, especially knowing that my partner is NOT at all interested in trying new things with me.

While I love Reg very much, I just can’t see him being willing to take a trip somewhere new, go to an opera or ballet, take a class with me, or try a new kind of food… he just wouldn’t do it and I know from experience that there isn’t a point in pulling someone along to things they seriously do NOT want to try… it’s about as pleasant as taking a cat for a walk.

So… part of my process is trying things out on my own, for me. Not needing another person to be with me, to share things with me (although, yes, it is much more fun when you get to have an adventure with someone you love). It’s part of my process of being SINGLE (because I am not married to him, even if I am committed to seeing if this is what we both want out of life) and finding the places I can compromise my yearning for new, adventurous things with the idea of having a life partner who is there for me for the long haul, everyday type events that are truly important.

I don’t know if I will marry again, or cohabitate with anyone… that’s the future and one that’s too uncertain to speculate on.  I am planning my life for ME… and if someone else fits into it on the way that’s great (I know that my kids fit into it already, since they are part of my whole life)… but if they don’t I’m no longer going to be the kind of girl who gives up everything she is and dulls down her existence because of a man…

Never again…

So, while I have time to decide the path I want to take I am doing all I can to enjoy my life. If that means having a glass of wine with dinner, so be it (Reg is a complete teetotaler) even if my SO doesn’t share the pleasure. If I want to go out and try something new, I am willing to invite my S.O along, but I am not longer willing to forgo things just because they don’t WANT to come along for the ride.  I will no longer allow someone else tell me I CANNOT do something just because they do not want to do it…

So I have decided that I am going to try and implement a plan of action for my life:

• Take at least one class a year to learn something I love
  • Last year it was Irish dance, this year I will continue with Irish dance and if I can afford it I will take Tae Kwon Do with my son as well
  • Take myself on at least one small trip every year (within reason)
  • Save at least $100 a month into a savings account
    • By cutting cable back to basic or tier 1, my internet phone to basic, and my internet to high speed light and managing my cell plan better
    • Taking lunches instead of buying lunches for work
    • Cutting down grocery costs
    • Cutting energy costs  as much as possible (running only full loads of laundry, changing to energy efficient lights, unplugging things that are not critical when not in use)
    • Pay down my debts within 2 years (mortgage excluded J)
      • All GST, bonuses and tax refunds go to pay down debt
      • No incurring new debts
      • Pay off credit cards and consolidating into the line of credit which has a significantly lower interest
      • Move towards super secret plans J

In the mean time I will EXPERIENCE my life more…

Any tips/hints/suggestions to doing that? What do you do to EXPERIENCE life fully?

Yesterday…

… I worked to get my IM working, only to be told that the issue wasn’t with any of the friends on my contact lists.

… I reconnected my email accounts.

… I cried

… I realized that as much as it hurt, it was necessary to let it go.

… I left the lawyer another message.

…I decided to travel even if I had to go alone.

… I wanted to bitchslap someone.

… I wanted a change of scenery.

… I finished my book and realized Ididn’t have another.

… I realized that I didn’t have to forgive and forget, because that is not necessarily a moral “good” in my world.

…I delighted in the colour of my room.

Today…

…I yawned so hard I hurt my jaw.

… I spent 30 minutes arguing with the printer over whether or not there actually WAS a paper jam (there wasn’t, its evil).

…I decided to look into travel plans despite setbacks.

… I asked a friend forgiveness knowing that sometimes things can’t be repaired.

…I made alternate arrangements.

… I wondered at the douchery that is my ex-husband (again).

… I acted as secretary for the ex.

…I lost my patience with the lawyer (again) and am considering just settling the matter once and for all.

… I spent some time thinking about connections.

Tomorrow…

… I will decide if I want to move forward from here.

… I will broach the subject of travel.

…I will look into my heart and see if I want to forgive someone.

… I will realize that you can never go back, only forward.

…I will hope

…I will spend time being quiet

…I will no longer wait to hear your voice.

… I will make plans of my own with no conditions.