Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Another day, another chicken

February5

 

I missed doing a Check-in last week because, well… things were crazy (and I was crazy exhausted because my neighbors woke me up SUPER early (4am) and I wasn’t well (UTI))… anyway here I am again…

The Bad Stuff

Still Exhausted

Just plain exhausted.  It seems that no matter how early I go to bed at night (I try to be in bed by 10pm, which is “early” since I get home from whatever activity I had that night at 8:30pm or 9:30pm and then I usually need to wash dishes and sweep floors and do some housekeeping) I don’t seem to be able to get a RESTFUL sleep.  With my anxiety over everything right now, and worrying that at any minute something unexpected will catch me off guard, I tend to wake up 4-6 times during the night.

Too Much to do

While I know I will get it done (I really have no choice with this) I am also keenly aware that this time I am completely on my own.  This is the first time in my life that I haven’t had either a partner OR family to help me move. And its freaking SCARY, because I feel like I am leaping out there and risking everything without any support. And I know that even when I was married I didn’t have support. And I know that I didn’t have support from R at all. But it FEELS different not having anyone at the end of the day… you know?

I just HAVE to get everything out of the old place in order to clean the place completely for the landlord. I might not like the way he treated me, or the fact that he never did any upkeep of the property once he left, but it is basic respect to leave the place clean…

I will do what I can to get it done. That’s all I can do.

Hard times in my head

I have been attending a group for women who have been involved in domestic violence situations AND have started seeing a counselor as well this week. This has been bringing up a lot of feelings that I had stuffed down for so long. I have been feeling LESS safe in my suite, with the partying going on over my head at all hours of the night, strangers coming and going and slamming doors, and having to call the police several times a week to get the neighbors above me to turn their music down so it doesn’t rattle the windows and pictures. I have been remembering all sorts of nastiness with theEx, theStalker, and ColdBlood that I thought that I had forgotten – outbursts, feelings of intimidation, fearful feelings – and it hasn’t really made it easy for me to deal with a lot of the things that I have going on in my life.  I have it on good authority, though, that I am, in fact, NOT crazy to have felt that these men treated my badly and that I DO have the right to have distanced myself from them.

Still… I think it’s gonna take time.

Haven’t been doing the journaling/tarot thing

I sorta dropped the ball this past weekend when the UTI and exhaustion caught me off guard, and the stress took over when I got LESS done than I wanted to (because of the feeling of ICK)… and the overwhelm took over when I got overscheduled and realized that I had only 3 weeks left. What that has meant is that I seemed to have dropped the 5 minute journaling/tarot card pull from my daily routine.  And I have realized I have felt… um… less grounded lately too. Although that COULD be that there is a deadline  or two or three bearing down on me right now…

I think maybe cutting the reading before bed by 5-10 minutes and putting this back into my routine might not be a bad idea.

The GOOD Stuff

Almost FREE

Although the stress is likely to do me in this next 3 weeks… I am almost free from the daily stress and pressure of living in a shared dwelling with people who do not know how to respect differences and needs of others. Maybe it’s wrong of me to expect them to have some sort of idea of how to respectfully SHARE space and do things like:

  • Clean up after their dog when she messes in the laundry room
  • Clean up the yard after she deposits dog-logs all over EVERYTHING
  • Not leave garbage on the back step where their dog will rip it open and SHRED it all over the yard
  • Remove their laundry from the laundry room when they are done
  • Turn their music down when asked politely, or by 11pm as per the general noise ordinance
  • NOT slam the doors when they go in and out
  • NOT allow their friends to try to get into my suite (or not DARE their friends to do that)
  • NOT smoke drugs (or actually ANYTHING) in the house

Anyway… it’s just a matter of DAYS before I get away from having to live with them and they become someone ELSE’s problem.

ALMOST DIVORCED!

After 2.5 years away from theEx, I have FINALLY signed the affidavit for dissolution of marriage. According to the MoronLawyer, now it goes to HIS lawyer and then to the Court of Queen’s Bench. Depending on how busy the courts are, and how many holidays fall in the middle of the process, it could be anywhere from 4-6 more weeks before I am finally granted the certificate of divorce.

It was an expensive milestone, but I needed to be free from ties to him.

My own STYLE

With my own home comes the ability to decorate in my OWN style. Sure it will be a while before I will be able to afford to replace my living room furniture, but over time I will be making my new home MINE.

This is the first time in my life that I will have a space that I don’t need to get permission to do what I want to my own space. I don’t have to be accountable to my parents, a boyfriend, a husband or a landlord!! I can (and will) paint the walls whatever colour I want. I can put down whatever kinds of rugs I want! I can hang up my needlework and my degrees. I get to decide what I want to do, and I get to make it happen… WITHOUT ANYONE ELSE SAYING I CAN’T!

I can (and will) put up an altar. I can do a house blessing. I don’t have to account for ANYONE if I want bright colours or dark colours or even WHITE all over the place. It will be MY place.

It’s the first part of my independence!

Making my friend Sunil come to visit

Yes, I totally intend to make my friend Sunil visit… and help paint things garish colours (and likely help pack a few things, and do a house blessing ;) ) and you know why? Because I have a house!! And because he totally needs to visit and celebrate with me! HOUSE!! YAY!! DIVORCE (almost)!! YAY!! BEING SINGLE !! YAY!!!

Yes, I like to make up events to make Sunil visit – like throwing myself a baby shower when I had GirlChild and throwing myself a birthday party when I turned 35 – maybe its kinda sad that I throw so many parties FOR myself??

 Whatever.

Being SINGLE and LOVING it!!

It has been about 3 weeks since the breakup with R and I feel like I have really blossomed as a single woman.  Other times when I was single I was looking for ways to get into another relationship. Yes, there are certain benefits to being in a relationship (*ahem* you know what they are… but also having someone to lift heavy stuff for you or get things off the top of things is good… and killing big bugs), but I am starting to realize that I am fine alone.

I am actually LESS lonely now than I was when I was with R. And that is how I know that the relationship wasn’t really meant to go any farther than it did.

More amazing to me is that I am not really that interested in trolling more dating websites and trying to find “Mr Right” through online chat sessions. Not right now, anyway. I might go back to wanting to find someone to go on dates with or talk to on the phone, or to share special events with… but that’s a someday kinda thing. Because when I seek again I will be looking for someone who gets ME and who will treat me RIGHT and not just whomever will take me without too much whining complaints.

I am happy to be alone right now. I can make a mess doing my scrapbooking thing if I want to. I can spend hours doing needlework WITHOUT having to watch football. I can try out new recipes. I can WRITE. I can explore my spirituality. I can learn to love the ME that is ME.

And I am gonna give MYSELF and MY KIDS a special valentine’s day – I’m gonna make chocolate pancakes with strawberries (for them, because, dudes I can’t do chocolate before NOON) and maybe we’ll go see a movie after dance class (well… after SUPPER after dance class, because I don’t want to fill them up with junk ALL day)…  I am hoping we get some packing and cleaning done as well… but I think that this is something WE need to do as a family.

I know that when I do start to seek love again I will have a MUCH different attitude about how I want to be treated and a MUCH lower threshold for “men behaving badly”…

CHANGE IS GOOD

I think if I keep saying this to myself I might come to believe it (laugh). But I know that this time it is true… this change will be for the better and the stress will be totally worth it, if I can just keep it together for another few weeks.  

I will be getting my OWN internet (connection) and a home phone (part of a deal to try it out for 3 months) and that will be different. I haven’t had a home phone system for 2.5 years… and I have gotten used to not being able to call anyone outside of my city. And to have a (sorta) phone line for even 3 months with UNLIMITED long distance will feel SO good! I can CALL people and not worry that my cell bill will be astronomical… Don’t know if I will KEEP it though.

Part of the plan is also a free 3 month trial of cable tv. Which is odd because I am also keeping my satellite tv system (rather than paying $200 to cancel it with a month remaining) and a PVR rental system. I have 3 months to see which system I prefer, satellite or cable, and then cancel the other… and make any changes to my existing internet and phone systems as well…  

But I will need a phone handset AND a wireless router.

Oh, and curtains

That is all

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Counting the good… detailing the bad

May8
April was a month of pretty spectacular suckitude… I went from feeling pretty good about myself after having a bit of a health scare (or 2 actually, as the attack of the aspertame caused me to have several weeks of skin irritation with no real defined “cause”) and realizing that my finances could be back in order due to investments, tax refunds, and budgeting…
 
To feeling like I was going to lose my children because social services decided that they were going to investigate me for what amounted, in the end, to having tapped my kids on their behinds with a wooden spoon — in JEST — one day when I wanted to get them out of the kitchen and away from the hot stove while I was cooking.
That’s right. I was put through the wringer because I had teasingly tapped my children on their clothed bottoms with a wooden spoon! I was accused of “inappropriate discipline” and had to have 2 nosy CHILDLESS social workers come and look through my house to make sure that I was living in a clean environment that was not endangering my children.
 
Wow. When I think back to the conditions that the Stalker had HIS child living in — a house where you could not see even a square of the floor for the papers and garbage strewn about, where the bathroom and kitchen hadn’t been cleaned in MONTHS, where boxes were stacked about so high in every room that there was no longer room to MOVE freely, where walking on the floor often resulted in cuts or splinters, where many weeks the Stalker had to go without eating because he didn’t have food in his home, and where both Stalker and his son had to share one ripped, stained and reeking mattress (which the child regularly wet) even though the child was 8 years old at the time — I wonder why no one bothered to call child protection on HIM.
 
And to end the month I reached one of those age milestones that no woman wants to have to reach, nevermind trying to reach it GRACEFULLY. Generally my age has not bothered me in the past, getting older was just another thing that happened, but added to that the stress of suddenly realizing that I am at an age now where statistically I am likely to not be able to start over again in love and marriage… its kinda scary.
 
I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life… I want to rebuild a life with someone else. And its kinda scary to hear that women older than 35 have a lower chance of being able to find love (and marriage) than do younger women.
 
But… that’s not something I am going to stress about anymore.
 
Because there are good things going on in my life that I need to focus on (instead of worrying about drowning in the loneliness of being single at 35)…
 
1. I have a great boyfriend.
Yes, he needs to be poked a lot to communicate with me on a regular basis, but he does try. I get one text a day most days, and while he might not think to call me or chat with me on MSN right now, since he’s preoccupied with the crap that is going on with his estranged wife. 
 
There are things I wish that would change — I wish we lived closer to each other or that it was easier to communicate (I can’t afford to call him much and he doesn’t consider calling me most of the time)… but right now we are both going through a lot of crap in our personal lives (divorces, financial pressures, and dealing with lawyers and hopefully-soon-to-be-ex’s, kids) and so I am willing to be patient and work more on who I am. I know, despite the silences, that he loves me and cares about me. I don’t know if we will have a life together, but what we have now is satisfying when we get together and that is enough for me for now…
 
2. I have good friends that I know, if I needed to, I could lean on.
 I am not so much of a leaner… I mean, I will lean on my friends if I with them, but I do have a very VERY hard time reaching out to people when I need help the most. I am getting better (although it might be hard to see that).
 
Serin has been rather invaluable throughout the entire mess of the last 10 years of my life — the tumult of my marriage and the fight to maintain my marriage through the loneliness of a situation when my husband was DETERMINED to stay in a job that tore us apart, through having 2 kids and losing my SELF to a situation that I didn’t know how to control, through leaving theEx, through clawing myself up out of the shadow of my marriage, through the crap with the Stalker, through the process of serving and going through the legal bs to PREPARE for the divorce, who listened to me through the angst of dealing with lawyers, through my learning to deal with finances, through the Stalker becoming a STALKER, through my stint in online dating, through my silly twitterpation with Reg, and through the BS that contines with theEx, the Lawyer and the divorce. And I don’t doubt that we’ll continue to be friends for the foreseeable future… Too bad the damned boy lives so far away, there are a lot of times it would be nice to just have someone around to talk to or geek out with…
 
G has been there for me for most of my marriage and was the only person who was not driven away by theEx’s need to keep me from my friends.
 
C has been my friend since grade 5… and although we have less in common now than we did in our past lives, we still manage to get together for a movie now and then. I do know I should try to get out with her more, though.
 
MyssK has helped keep me afloat through the divorce process as she, and her sweet man in Ontario, have gone through their own separations and divorce dramas. Sometimes just knowing that you’re not the ONLY other human being in the world going through this stuff helps a LOT.
 
The problem, however, has just been that the people I would like to talk to or spend time with the most aren’t usually the ones that are available. While I would like to spend time with Reg, he is both out of my range (phone wise) and out of town and very distracted by his personal issues right now — so I don’t feel right bothering him right now. Serin lives SOOOO far away (damn him) and MyssK also lives so far away that we can’t just get toghether to have coffee (laugh). And while I could spend more time with G, there are other issues that make me want to not lean so heavily on her either right now.
 
3. I have a good job.
I make enough money that, if I budgeted correctly, I could get by and pay all my bills without having to rely on child support. The fact is that I am not a great budgeter, and that means that I do not have as much savings as I could have, had I been more stringent. I get a decent wage and that is good.
 
My job offers me flexibility to get things done around work hours. If one of the kids (or both) have doctors appointments or school events in the daytime, I am able to take time off for part of a day or a whole day. I am able to take vacation days when I want them, working around the constraints of my job, and I am able to accrue days if I don’t take all my vacation over the year.
 
I would like to have a job where I do have the ability to move up in the company, which I do not have here. There isn’t anywhere for me to go in this branch, and due to the constraints of my separation agreement I can’t just leave the confines of the city without having a court battle over who the kids get to live with. So I am pretty much to stay in the Saskatoon area, where my growth is limited, if I want to keep my children in my life.
 
 
 
 
 
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Hi there, long time no see

March3
I am finding myself in a good mood this morning, which is a surprise because I have been feeling a bit uneasy for the past few days and I can’t quite put my finger on WHY.
 
This past month has definately had its ups and downs.
 
Ups:
  • RGG said he loved me out loud. I mean, I KNEW that already since we had been dancing around it for a few weeks before he said it, but it was nice that he actually said it out loud. I have to admit that I was kind of shocked, because we had been joking around and watching a romantic movie at the time and he went all suddenly serious on me and told me that he had to tell me something. I have to admit that I tend to think the worst in situations like that (laugh) but it was good.  In case there was any doubt I told him I loved him too…
  • We have had a lot of time together this month, both with and without the kids.
  • My house sold.
  • I will be getting some of my furniture back.
  • I have been getting to the gym once or twice a week and doing Wii Fit to keep getting in shape. I have not lost or gained any weight, but have gotten up to 110lbs and maintained it. I had previously dropped to about 103 lbs.
  • I got my hair done and I love the way it looks, and even better, I like that I have no more gray showing.
  • I had RGG’s good friend do my hair for me, which gave me a bit of time to get to know her (she’s very important in his life, and therefore I want to make sure she’s okay with me too) and get a little more dirt on him (laugh)… I came away with the knowledge that RGG is “the nicest man on the planet”… this is apparently a sore spot for him, as a few (at least 2) women had used that as a reason not to be with him. But for me, having a truely “nice guy” is a great thing.
    • and he is the “nicest guy on the planet”. Sometimes I can’t believe how truely caring and considerate he is, given that he’s, well… a man. I mean, here is a man that is concerned about what I want to do, how I feel, making me comfortable, and making sure that everyone around him gets their needs met as well as HIS. The only thing I can complain is that he always forgets NOT to give me “love bites” (laughing) and then thinks he’s funny… (I kinda think its funny too, jsyk)
  • I haven’t heard from the Stalker for a while, which I am taking as a sign that he’s finally decided to move on and stop trying to “be friends” by throwing nasty emails at me over and over. I don’t know what I will do with the blank book that he gave me, maybe I should just send it back… but that might be encouragement
  • Have been discussing the possibility of taking a trip with RGG. I can’t say for sure that this will ever happen, but its a nice thing to think about. I am sure that we will eventually take a trip out to Edmonton, but I can’t really see (right now) a way to take a longer trip somewhere outside of Canada. Not with both of us having to juggle jobs and finances and kids’ schedules. But we can try, and we can plan, and maybe we can make it happen.
 
Of course, not EVERYTHING has been 100% great around here. As my mother would say “In every life a little rain must fall”… and so… 
 
DOWNS:

  • Still haven’t had the divorce papers given to my from my lawyer. Yes, the house has sold, yes things are progressing, but I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel here, and that means having the divorce finalized. So much is riding on this:

    • I want to know, definitively, how much I owe my lawyer so I can start to PAY that off

    • I need to know how much marital debts I will have after the house sale, so I can get a loan to deal with paying that back

    • I want to change my name back to my maiden name

    • I want to get a passport IN MY MAIDEN NAME

    • I don’t want to be MARRIED to theEX anymore. I mean, I have no plans to get remarried, but the fact that he still has a legal hold on me ticks me off. I know I will be tied to him for a considerable amount of time because of the kids, but I do not have to be legally “his” especially since the lawyers agreed that we’ve met all the requirements to get a divorce

    • I want to throw a PARTY (laugh) to celebrate my freedom from theEx… 

  • I have been having anxiety issues for the last month that I can’t account for. I know that things have been crazy, and the re-appearance of the Stalker (even briefly) in my life has hindered me feeling comfortable in my own home, but the anxiety has really hit me a few times.

    • I have realized that I am getting comfortable with RGG and being in his home, but I am still a bit uncomfortable in his space.

    • I know RGG understands how it feels to have a panic attack, that doesn’t make it any less embarassing when I get sideswiped by anxiety I can’t control.

    • I want to KNOW what is triggering it, so I can face it down and deal with it.

  •  I have had periods of time where I have really doubted RGG and how he feels, especially given that he’s almost completely cut out ALL avenues of communication during weekdays. That means, not only is he not on MSN anymore he isn’t online at all, and he doesn’t phone me. It makes me very ANXIOUS (yes, i know, this is likely one of the many triggers here) because I feel communication is important. He says its a telecommunications issue — that he’s having problems with his internet and phone — and I believe him, but I still feel weird about not having a way to talk to him during the week. I feel anxious that he might be doing it on purpose, that it might be some sort of test, and so every time I reach out and phone him I might be potentially FAILING this test.  I hate “tests” like that…

  •  Missing my kids. I am not used to the 2 week break from my kids, and not having them in my life makes me question my identity — when I don’t have my kids with me I feel like my identity of “mother” has been ripped away from me, and I hate the feeling that by allowing theEx to have joint custody with me I have admitted that I am not a good mother. I would MUCH RATHER have my kids 100% of the time and NOT have time away from them… but he finds that unacceptable.

  • Finances. Taxes, savings, RRSPs, debts, plans for the future… its all becoming a bit overwhelming. I want to consolidate what I owe so that I can start to work towards 3 things:

    1. becoming debt free again

    2. gathering a down payment for a place of my own

    3. planning the trip for my kids and I to DisneyWorld, Orlando, that they have been talking about for years

  • Things I need to deal with that I don’t want to deal with, such as having to buy things for my house to have it set up correctly, GirlChild’s birthday, and having to move all my furniture around, hoping that my furniture that is being returned to me next weekend will FIT, having to worry about buying more clothes for the kids to wear…

 
Mostly things are going well. I am working on my own issues, trying not to focus too much on RGG (and hoping desperately that he is NOT playing some sort of game or putting me to some kind of test right now that I am SURE that I am failing), and just trying to get my house and affairs in order for the upcoming changes in my life. I have made a few attempts to put out a new podcast… and I have plans for the long stretch of this week without RGG in my life which mostly involve cleaning my house (for the inevitable destruction when the kids come back), baking and trying to move things around for the return of the prodigal furniture.
 
This week I will endeavor not to be bugging the man (laugh) by calling all the time. I have a whole house to clean. I have knitting to start. I have tv programs to watch (again, thanks to the man I have started following a few shows that I had dropped because I had lost MOST of the tv channels I loved when my landlord decided to cut the cable on me and I never did get anything but the first 12 channels back, much to the annoyance of my kids (I might have to ask permission to get satellite installed so I can watch things I like again the weeks I am alone)). I have baking to do. I have friends to catch up with. Dammit, I have a podcast to do. And I have to figure out how to move things around in the house to make things more efficient — the computer to my room, move tables around, move things into my room, get rid of things that are in my room, pull the entertainment system over a bit, figure out where to get mattresses and bed linens for the kids’ beds — and I want to finally hit the yoga class now that G has joined the gym I go to.
 
Maybe I can pass RGG’s “test” after all… 
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Welcome to my 2009

January11
Seriously bloggable…
 
So… I have been spending a great deal of time doing the introspective thing lately, even more so than you can see here (laugh). I am a naturally introspective person, and changes in the year and seasons tend to get me all “thinky”, and that natuarally comes out of me at these times.
 
My comparison of 2008 to 2009!
  • I started off 2008 alone, in my parents’ basement, by giving each of my kids a kiss on midnight while they slept.  I started 2009 off with RGG and his friends, by giving RGG a huge and passionate kiss and feeling his arms around me.
  • 2008 started off with my living with my parents and kids. 2009 found me living in a space of my own and having my kids only half time. I think I prefer having the kids in my life more than less… but I still accept that their father might want them in his life as well.
  • at the beginning of 2008 I was already starting to feel like I had made a huge mistake getting involved with Stalker after I left STBX. At the beginning of 2009 I am feeling like I have finally straightened out the past mistakes I made with STBX and Stalker and I feel good about what I am building with RGG right now.
  • at the beginning of 2008 I had no arrangement for child support and no contact with a lawyer I had had on retainer since June of 2007. At the beginning of 2009 I have become firmly entrenched in the process of getting the parenting plan and division of property worked out and am determined to start pushing for the divorce to be finalized.
  • in 2008 the feeling was uncertain and frightened. my feeling for 2009 is hopeful, enthusiastic, and certain that things will work out, even if they aren’t perfect.
 
So far 2009 has started off way better than 2008, and I am certain that the reasoning for this is that I have changed my outlook about my life AND I have been finally able to decide on a plan of action for a few things that I have been putting off in my life. I have cut out a lot of the negativity in my life, I have changed my thinking patterns, I have been focusing more inward on getting my soul together, I have been working on getting my thoughts in order, I have openned myself up more to the good things in life, and I have been back to writing.
 
I am feeding my soul more, I am starting to feed my spirit more, and I am working on getting my physical on track as well. I wake up feeling EXCITED for what my life holds for me. I reach out to my friends and family more. I go OUT. I take my kids out. I create! I am feeling great about my life and what is coming to me…
 
And even when someone tries to dampen that down it is impossible for me to stay down too long… because there is too much in my life that I have to look forward to:
 
  • I will finalize my divorce, I will come to an agreement on parenting and the division of property with STBX and I will be able to change his name to X
  • I will survive – I will make it through even if this divorce process forces me to declare bankruptcy
  • I know I can make it through
  • I know I can be the best mother my kids have, and I know that even when I make a mistake I can always try harder the next day and the next and the next and I will get it right
  • money isn’t as important as people
  • the spirit always makes us strong, if we allow ourselves to stop doubting the strength we have inside us
  • I am loved
  • I have plans for an altar
  • I have plans for my podcast to restart
  • I have creative plans
  • I have travel plans
  • I have a passport application ready to go
  • I will grow and change and experience things FULLY this year…  

 

 
And so I KNOW that 2009 has a lot of GOOD things in store for me.
posted under My Life | 2 Comments »

Lookee Here… Weekly Recapp-ish Goodness!!!

January10
As I have been a steadfast follower of The Fluent Self blog for a while now, and as Havi says “Traditions are important”… well… I decided that it would be beneficial to me to resume the habit of reviewing my week in writing.
 
Good things!
  • spending some quality time with RGG over the previous week
  • cleaning out things I no longer want or “need”
  • making space in my home as I declutter things
  • putting up blinds in my living room (yay having a man around, yay having privacy)
  • getting my GST deposited into my bank account… as this will likely be one of the last ones I get (laugh)
  • having a wonderful kiss with a more-than-wonderful man on New Years Eve
  • having hope for a great year
  • my friend “C” moving back to Canada after 8 years living abroad, and moving back to my city
  • having STBX helping me to get a wii and wii fit for myself and my kids
 
The biggest thing that has been wonderful about this past few days (laughs) of this year is that I have been able to spend a great deal of that time with “my man”… and that this time I am really happy and absolutely feeling GREAT about dating this man. I haven’t been talking about him too much (I hope), because there is still some newness to the relationship, but we seem to be SO compatible so far and I am really excited about seeing where this will go!
   
I am happy to report that I have been dating RGG exclusively for 2 months now, and as of yet there have been no “red flags” that I have felt with him. This is seriously more than I can say for the mess with the Stalker, which started off as one gigantic red flag from day one (and continues to try and draw me into drama even after I cut him out of my life)… and the comfort of this relationship has been a serious relief for me. RGG and I have very similar goals, interests, and values… and yes, he does know about my religion, but since I am not EVER one to talk too much about it (even when directly asked) it really doesn’t have that much bearing on our relationship and where things are going.
 
Even the one concern I have (which we have discussed), that he always wanted a son of his own and I can’t have any more children (without having my tubal reversed, and I’m not even sure that its possible at this point… and no, I’m not going to rush out and do that at this stage either). He says that he’s coming to grips with the fact that its not likely that he will ever have a son, and that he is happy with his daughters… and for my part I am trying to get over the desire to have more children because I love my kids as well…  And as long as we’re open about these things I think that we can work to overcome them. And, no one knows the future…
 
Not so good things…
  • missing my kids
  • missing RGG
  • feeling overwhelmed
  • nasty, judgmental comment on my blog
  • Stalker
  • unfininshed divorce and legal uncertainty
  • feeling super lonely
  • panic attacks
 
The biggest thing that has been on my mind lately has been, surprisingly enough, that I recieved a relatively judgmental comment on my blog. Now, I know there are more pressing issues in that list… but the thing is that the comment really hit me hard. And at the same time I know very well that that was the POINT of the comment. The most annoying thing about the comment was that it was so ODD. For one thing the wording of the comment was VERY VERY similar to the terminology that Stalker has been trying to beat me over the head with since I told him off completely and decided to start dating again. Another suspicious part of the comment is that my ex was NAMED in the comment, which would mean that the person who made the comment knew me personally (since I do not really give his name here or on Open Diary, where I write).
But the thing that pointed the nastiness DIRECTLY to Stalker, rather than some random girl (as the comment was “signed”), would be the fact that the 2 previous comments that Stalker had submitted on the blog (which I have subsequently DELETED) had the exact same IP address as this comment. And while that is not 100% conclusive proof that the Stalker (or a friend or family member of his) was the person trying to stir up drama in my life and make me doubt myself as a person, it was definately quite ENOUGH proof for ME.
 
It did have the benefit of solidifying my stance on my “friendship” with the Stalker — in that I now feel completely sure that I was RIGHT in cutting him out of my life completely. And, in that vein, I finally made some moves to cut the remaining ties with him. I blocked him on my FaceBook, I set up an autofilter in all my email accounts that serves to delete ANYTHING coming from his email addresses to me without ever notifying me that he sent anything, and I have added his phone number back to my phone with a “DO NOT ANSW” that will come up if he calls from that number (and I don’t answer blocked numbers) and a ring that will not alert me if he calls. I have had my landlord change my locks, and I keep the house locked even when I am at home… and I am willing to talk to the phone company to get my number changed if he continues to call and/or text me…
 
While he seems to think that there is value to a friendship with him, I am certain that I want to start a new and fresh life without the negativity that surrounds him. He might not know it, he might think he has changed it, but I still feel the spillover every time that he contacts me. And so, I have decided to put my foot down for good and say “NO MORE”. And I hope that finally gives him the closure that he needs in order to move on with his life — to finally dig himself out of the mistaken belief that he loves me, that we’d be good together (if I only accepted how horrible I am), and that he only has my best interests at heart.
 
There was a time that he was good for me… but sadly that time has passed and I have the need to move on now, even if he doesn’t.I hope, wholeheartedly, that he can move on, become happy with the girlfriend that he has right now or move on to someone he feels he can connect with, and that he can let me be from now on.
 
Somehow, I doubt that he will fade quietly into the night, since every time I THINK he’s finally decided to let me be he comes back again — another text, another phone call, another email — and I sincerely want it just to stop.
 
Downright worrisome things…
 
Well… really, there is only ONE thing that is really worrying me deeply right now, and that would be the impending doom that is my legal meeting next week. I know that I have to deal with it, that avoidance will make it difficult… but… oh… I am NOT good at direct confrontation. And while I KNOW that I have a right to stand up for myself and my own financial future, that there was an agreement a year and a half ago that these two huge debts would be GONE if I signed the refinance paper, and that it is patently UNFAIR of him to use up all the credit in the debt accounts, not pay child support or contribute towards daycare expenses for 10 months, and THEN come back at me to take on half the debts I had already signed over money to pay off TEN MONTHS BEFORE… well… I know that he will bear down on me and unless my lawyer stands next to me I will quake and fold.
 
But… as usual… I have some “lessons” from this week:
 
Pam’s Life Lessons:
  • there is hope for 2009
  • it is okay to feel lonely, but it is also good to remember all the great things that are in my life
  • it is okay to let go of friendships that are no longer benefitting me, no matter what the other person feels about it. In the end I have a right to walk away from anyone I feel is damaging me more than I am willing to accept.
  • it is okay to delete comments that are inappropriate on my blog
  • I do NOT have to sign ANYTHING I do not feel right about, no matter what the reasoning STBX might have for me taking on debts I had already signed money over to have paid off
  • I can be fair to the situation and still SEEM like I’m being a total bitch by not doing what someone else wants me to do.
  • I can accept that no matter how hard I try I can’t please everyone all the time
  • I have a good life, even with the troubled spots, and I will overcome with my natural buoyancy and pragmatic optimism
  • I KNOW I am not a “negative” or “pessimistic” person, despite the down times I have had, no matter what anyone says about me…
  • I have more to look forward to than dread
  • I have FRIENDS and people who care about me, and I can ask for help when I need it
 
 
 
 
 
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (7 year old son, 5 year old daughter). I am a Solitary Wiccan. I am walking a Pagan Path. I am separated and going through a divorce. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path. 

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, massive multi-user online role playing games (WOW, Second Life), kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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