Dealing
Some days it just feels like I am not fully equip to live in normal society. There are a LOT of days where I feel IMMENSE and IMMEASUREABLE (although, let’s admit it I still TRY to measure it, I measure everything) guilt over the decisions I made in the past few years – right OR wrong – and how horribly I have “broken” things.
Every SINGLE day I deal with a litany of complaints from ALL arenas about my children. Either theEx is complaining because of expenses associated with the children or having to deal with some issue with that the kids are having, or it’s GirlChild’s teacher complaining about how GirlChild BEHAVES. And a lot of the issues are placed squarely on ME.
Yes. My children have some issues. But they are fucking CHILDREN, they are going through a fucking LOT of crap in their lives, and it is NOT 100% MY FAULT. And the sooner people realize that blaming things on their mother only makes things worse for EVERYONE the better off we will all be.
Because of the pressure of trying to make EVERYTHING the way EVERYONE else in the world wants it to be, I have started counseling. There is just SO much pressure to make the kids “perfect”…
You know what? I wonder what they mean by PERFECT.
My kids:
BoyChild is a sensitive sort that has been dealing with issues surrounding not feeling like he belongs anywhere. The first 4 years of school he attended 4 different elementary schools, so he’d make friends and then we’d move… and so more than ANYTHING he wants to be part of something, to fit IN with someone. He’s a child that wants to be loved and cared about and ACCEPTED.
It’s been hard, for sure.
BoyChild has definitely been desperate to fit in. He wants to be accepted by everyone around him – adults and children alike – and the problem is that some of the people we find in our lives will just NEVER accept him. That’s a hard thing for a child. Hell, that’s a hard thing for a lot of ADULTS. And its VERY hard for me, as his mother, to watch him struggle to be liked and accepted and still fall short. There are just some situations and some people that you can’t gain acceptance from… hard truth.
GirlChild is an anxious child. She has a lot of trouble focusing and following direction, especially when she doesn’t feel secure with the adults in her environment. That’s partly what her counselor seems to think, and I can see it being close to the truth. She isn’t WILLFULLY ignoring the “rules”, she’s asking for attention without knowing what she needs. Unfortunately, breaking the rules gets her in trouble, and getting in trouble with the adults makes her feel LESS secure and MORE scattered and LESS sure of her abilities and MORE likely to break the rules because she needs to feel SECURE.
There isn’t much I can do.
Or is there?
My counselor put this belief to the test:
Do I validate their feelings? Sure I support them, but I really LISTEN to how they are feeling and teach them that how they feel is ACCEPTABLE?
I don’t know that I do.
Yes, that’s a HUGE failing on my part. But I believe it is something that I can recover from.
In January I mentioned things that I wanted to change in my life, and one of them was changing my parenting style – not to something that fits what OTHER people want from my children, but to the parenting style *I* always WANTED to follow (but was prevented by the situation in which I lived and survived up until this point).
So far, I have been making slow changes in this area… but obviously there is more I can be doing.
My children, by virtue of their lives, need more acceptance and care and less strict, harsh, discipline. They are still hurting from things. And trying to “make them LEARN” through recrimination, disapproval, and spanking doesn’t work. I know this.
I know that BOTH my kids flourish and behave better when they are praised for the good they do, rather than being told they are “bad” or being spanked. When they are praised they bloom, they want more, and they REACH for it. When they are told only how bad they are being, how much they do wrong they wilt, they give up and they quit caring about the rules and the consequences.
I know how they feel…
It’s the same feeling that I had in my marriage, where I felt nothing I did RIGHT ever mattered, so why should I try? I was gonna get in trouble, no matter what I did, nothing I did was going to be rewarded, I was stupid, ugly, useless, a bitch, cold, unlovable, dumb, unwanted…
I don’t want my kids getting THAT message.
I have been uncomfortable with the idea of spanking my children for a LONG time… and yet, for quite a while I bent to the wills of those around me, those people telling me that if I didn’t want my children to become “brats” (or other hideously nasty labels) I needed to spank them to get the message through to them. I don’t believe this. I have never believed that spanking was necessary. And yet, I spanked, and (worse) I allowed other people to spank my children.
When I had my babies I wanted to be an attachment parent – I breast fed, on demand, until they self-weened; I co-slept with them (BoyChild until he was 1, GirlChild until she was 6 months); I wore them; I was anti-ferber/cry-it-out; I made my own babyfood; I delayed bottle feeding (pumped milk) and introducing solids – but I was vetoed on some things (cloth diapering and homeschooling) that I wanted to do. TheEx did not agree about the attachment parenting thing. He was more than willing to leave the kids with his parents for hours (or days), he objected to the kids sleeping in bed with us because he felt he was disturbed more with the fussing and feeding routine when we were in bed with him, and he definitely did not want the “stink or expense” of cloth diapering. The idea of homeschooling was completely out of the question since I had to agree to work outside the home when I had GirlChild.
But I let the opinions of other people, even people who really had no real right to a solid opinion on my parenting or my children, influence me.
Everyone seems to have an opinion about raising kids, and they don’t hesitate to share that with you whether you want it or NOT.
No more.
I have decided that I am going to try to focus on my OWN parenting, and not listen to what I need to do to be a “good” parent or what the kids need to be like to be “good” kids. I am listening to my heart.
Yes, my kids have issues. Yes, they don’t always listen, they don’t always pay attention, they don’t always OBEY… but they are small people who deserve to be encouraged, not discouraged.
I am committing myself to finding the way that is right for US to be a family, to be HAPPY.
I’m gonna try not to stress that people don’t like my kids. I’m gonna find people who DO like them, and surround myself with family-positive people who will encourage me to parent positively and accept my children for who they are NOW instead of withholding love until they meet some artificial ideal.
The ideas of my ex – punishment, control, obedience – are being left behind…
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