Last week I suffered a disappointment.

Not in something that I wanted. But in my identity as a mother…

My son has been lying to me (in particular) about his homework. Yes, he has been lying to his father as well, but the fact of the matter is that he has been telling me every day for MONTHS that he has had “no homework” when, in fact he has been steadily getting farther and farther behind in his work.

Now, because the teachers have decided to allow the children to take “ownership” of their workload, my son has been coasting along without any adult intervention in this. Not once has the teacher or school indicated, to myself (or presumably to theEx) that my son was failing to complete homework or seek any indication of problems. What they did do was make some pretty strong assumptions about the situation, instead:

1. They assumed that BoyChild was incapable of being able to do the work they are assigning to him. This was decided because they have decided that he has some pretty “severe” social issues (ie, they feel he’s at risk to be ostracized by peers and therefore more likely to fail, do drugs, and/or become suicidal)
2. All his issues are being chalked up to his social issues (which, as far as I can determine, are related to the fact that he talks too much to other kids, tries too hard to fit in, and isn’t entirely able to control his emotions and sometimes gets visibly upset and weepy/angry) which they are “working on” but have yet to give any idea of what can be done at home to reinforce these practices
3. That because we are getting divorced the issues are not present in our minds, as parents, so there is no reason to be bringing it to our attention. While that might very well be an issue with theEx (who is being nothing but a douchebag to me) I have done everything I can to put my children FIRST in this situation – I have set up counseling for both of them, I have tried to give them opportunities to make friends and do things that encourage them to feel proud of themselves, sought ways to help, bought them a computer, read with them, write with them, create with them, and I spend my time WITH them instead of leaving them with someone else almost every night to do my own thing —  But I am seen as the “bad” parent here????
4. The teachers have decided that either BoyChild doesn’t care, isn’t able to do it, or that we don’t care to help him do the work. And most especially, that I am either unwilling or incapable of being a good enough parent to help my child.

What pisses ME off is that when I go to these interviews I am not taken seriously by the teachers. The last few interviews I have gone to theEx has been in tow, and when he’s there my son’s teachers defer to him (ooh… big strong ENGINEER with PROFESSIONAL credentials, he can’t do ANYTHING wrong) when I am the parent making all the effort to stay in touch with the teachers – calling on my lunch breaks, dropping everything to take calls and drive into the city to pick them up, emailing when things seem wrong, making the time to go in for their events and activities, making the baked goods for sales, REGISTERING them for school, buying supplies, and making appointments for interviews – and he’s the one that everyone thinks is a “good parent”?

It hurts… a lot. I am a way better parent than theEx, and I have been the parent that has been there for the kids since CONCEPTION, whereas he’s only really been putting in the minimal effort for 2 years since I left! I have ALWAYS been the one to be there for them, despite what has been going on in my life.

So let’s compare the parents of these children:

Myself:

• Work full time
• Have vehicle of my own
• Pay all my bills on time and most of them in full
• Have a plan to get out of debt
• Have a  home of my own
• I actively participate in activities with my kids
• I volunteer in the community
• I have decided to  stop dating in order to focus more on myself and my children
• I actively engage my children in MY life
• Take responsibility for my finances

My Ex Husband:

• Works full time
• Has vehicle of his own
• Pays bills on time
• Complains of enormous amounts of debt (including credit cards and living in his chequing overdraft)
• Has no plan to get out of debt
• Is willing to do no more than drop the kids off and pick them up from activities
• Spends every Friday and Saturday nights out dating,
• Leaves kids with his mother 2 or 3 nights per week
• Refuses to allow kids to participate in sports/activities that require parental involvement
• Wants to withdraw the kids from activities that they enjoy because it interferes with his plans  (ie Scouts,  dance) even when they are showing real self confidence in these activities
• Does not take responsibility for debt/spending issues

I’m not saying that I am a perfect parent, but I am saying that I freaking TRY. I don’t throw money at the kids or buy them video games or movies to shut them up, preferring to learn what they like and how we can do things TOGETHER. I can’t afford all the fancy things that theEx is willing to go into debt for – in car entertainment systems, 25 video games, dozens of pairs of shoes – but I give what I can, my attention, my love, my dedication, my TIME.

Yes, I make mistakes. I care too much, I might push too hard, I might want to fix things too desperately. I do everything in my power to be there for my kids.

And I fail.

I fail a lot.

My son won’t talk to me. He keeps secrets from me, things that hurt him, because he sees me as someone who will make him do things he doesn’t want to do (homework, chores, play with his sister) or who can’t give him what he wants (to find a new babysitter, spend more time with them on their days off, more electronic toys)… and that’s a continuing issue because its obviously a failure on my part to parent correctly if my children can’t trust me to help them fix things that are going wrong in their lives.

As I see it I have three options:

1. I can continue doing things the way I have been doing, even though they haven’t been working all that well.
2. I can give up on my kids and walk away from the whole mess, as obviously this is going to be a continual fight with theEx, the schools, counselors, lawyers and judges, and other parents to prove that despite my lack of stupid iron pinky ring, fancy job title, and extra stupid letters after my name (I have 7 letters after my name, he has 8), that I am not only AS GOOD of a parent as theEx, but that for the most part I am the one that does the parenting. Obviously his mother is a good enough substitute for a mother, and if the kids don’t like being with me why fight anymore?
3. I can change the way I do things, and keep changing, until I find a way that works for me and my kids – AND NOT WORRY about what works for theEx, the teachers, the school or anyone else because in the end they don’t live our lives and what they want should NOT interfere with our lives as a family.

The choice is obvious (to me)… since I’m not the kind of person to continually do the same thing and hope for different results (I’m not INSANE), and I’ve fought this long and hard to keep my children in my life no matter WHAT other people say, I need to change the way I do things until we get results that work for US. 

I am working on changing and because of this my mantra (of sorts has become):

Change is slow, but it is happening. If I fail to live up to my desired changes today, I will do better tomorrow. Nothing is set in stone. I can do better tomorrow.

I am working on this process, it is a process of letting go – I am letting go of the external locus of control of my life that, up until very recently, was held by theEx. I am letting go of the idea that everyone else knows what is “right” for everyone and that includes the school system, teachers, and counselors – whether they will accept it or not, they are not experts on my family, my ways, or my children, and I will no longer defer to their wishes over the wishes of myself and my children. Even theEx is only able to exert limited control over the running of my home and life, and a lot of that is only when I ALLOW him to do so.

I am tired of letting other people tell me that I am not good enough. I am tired of people comparing me to my ex only on the things that he can buy and earnings, without knowing the whole story. I’m tired of being judged by teachers, school administration, counselors, and others based on their PERCEPTION of what they THINK they know about the situation of our divorce – and based only on what theEx feels is the “TRUTH” because I have not felt it is ANY of these people’s business what happened to cause me to leave my husband. I am tired of having to explain to people why I do NOT feel comfortable having theEx at every meeting. I am tired of having to defend my right to talk to people on my OWN merit, as the children’s MOTHER rather than as a co-freaking-parent. I shouldn’t have to have a permission slip to seek medical attention or to talk to the teacher or principal if I think there is an issue.

I will no longer allow people to make me feel like a terrible mother just because that is what theEx tells them – I feed, clothe, shelter, educate, entertain, soothe, love, and nurture my children well beyond minimal requirements. I will not longer allow outsiders to make me (or my children) feel inadequate because maybe we are DIFFERENT.

I am no longer seeking the opinions of anyone else on how I OR MY CHILDREN are doing as human beings. I am no longer willing to offer opinion on how any OTHER people are doing. I am accepting that we are ALL struggling with something, we are all in the process of becoming, we are all deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt,  we all deserve to be given second chances, WE ALL DESERVE TO BE BELIEVED IN no matter what has kept us from achieving our all in the past.

I often feel like the ONLY parent in the universe who has kids who are struggling. Maybe I’m just the ONLY PARENT IN THE UNIVERSE who will admit that their kids aren’t perfect angels? Maybe I’m the only parent willing to say “hey, listen, I’m struggling to find a way to help my kids”…

Or maybe my kids ARE the only ones who have “issues” as yet undetermined?

Whatever the case, 90% of my interaction with the school/teachers* has been relatively NEGATIVE in nature. It seems more often than not I am being asked to explain WHY one or the other (or both) of my children are having problems.  I am frustrated. I have no set of peers to talk to, I have no other contact with other parents whose kids MIGHT be having learning problems, or social problems, or emotional problems.  I am given to believe that my children’s issues are unique in the school and in the realm of parenting.

Part of the problem, let’s just face it now, is that they live in 2 different places**. As much as the lawyers and courts want to divide them equally, this IS affecting them. Do they have a choice? No. And so they struggle to go back and forth. And we struggle to find a balance… and I struggle NOT to pull them in 2 but STILL maintain my OWN boundaries , rules, and traditions without theEx telling me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

My son struggles to find a way to make friends, to fit into the world he finds himself in. He struggles to be what everyone ELSE thinks a 9 year old boy should be – how he should interact with his friends and peers, what he talks about, how he talks, what kinds of behaviours he exhibits when he’s angry or sad or frustrated or lonely. And we struggle to make sense of their rules and the way other kids are allowed to treat him and how adults interact with him. And it breaks my heart that, for the most part, we find more cruelty than kindness being directed at him from adults AND kids alike.

My daughter is struggling to make it in a world that she doesn’t feel quite comfortable in. She struggles to feel good about herself. She struggles to control her world. She struggles to understand what everyone wants from her. She struggles with self esteem and self worth issues. She struggles to learn to read as fast as her peers. And we struggle trying to find out what causes her issues to flare up, why somedays she can do the work and the next day she can’t. And the only thing that I can determine is the way that people speak to her – when she has positive interactions with me or her father, her babysitter, or her teachers she feels like she can do it, but if she gets snarled at or snapped at or (I certainly HOPE it’s no longer happening without my knowledge!!) spanked or punished by adults around her, she feels that she is stupid and can’t do things. It breaks my heart that we she (and I) find so many mean words directed at her.

We struggle to find a place in the world, when we feel completely alone. And, let’s face it… chances are if I feel completely alone in this world, chances are that I am (ironically) NOT the only one feeling this way.  I sometimes think that if I could find other single mothers struggling with joint custody arrangements or single mothers dealing with kids who are having trouble adjusting to living in 2 places or ANY mother who can acknowledge that her kid isn’t superior at EVERYTHING and –gasp—they also have issues learning math or reading or writing or fitting it… if I could find others like ME we could support each other.
My children are neither MONSTERS nor PROBLEMS. They are loving, caring, sensitive, human beings that deserve as much love, caring, respect, and understanding as anyone else does. So why children with learning difficulties, social difficulties, or emotional difficulties are treated more like animals than human beings is a mystery to me. It is this paradox that hurts them so much – they are told that everyone deserves to be treated well, but they are treated poorly by the adults around them, and they then treat OTHER people badly, in a vicious never-ending cycle.  

Last year I went to parent/teacher meeting to discuss the fact that my son seems to have some issues that the school board thinks are PROBLEMS. He has a hard time reading, his fine motor skills are less developed than they would like, and his social behavior is not where they WANT it to be at his age. He has trouble reading other people’s body language. He has issues with his memory (he needs more repetitions than his “average” classmate). He doesn’t respond “normally” to the behavior of other kids around him – he gets frustrated easily, his feelings get hurt “too much”, he tries too hard to get others to like him. The warning I was given by the school psychologist and teachers?

If he doesn’t learn to read social cues correctly, if he doesn’t learn to respond to other people the way everyone else does, he will continue to be rejected by his peers… AND HE WILL BE AT RISK TO START DOING DRUGS OR BECOME SUICIDAL!!

Here I was being told that he was SO FAR off the “norm” that if he wasn’t corrected now he was going to do drugs or kill himself?

It made me wonder, what message are they sending to kids? If they don’t speak to the WHOLE group about respecting the differences of others, they are perpetuating the cruelty of bullying. If they can’t foster compassion for someone who might be struggling because of illness, difference, or situation, they are contributing to the problem. Blaming the child(ren) who are struggling makes it worse – it tells THEM that they aren’t good the way they are, it invalidates THEIR feelings, lowers their expectations, and diminishes THEIR small victories. Blaming the parents doesn’t help either – it makes us feel isolated, diminishes the praise we give to our children, undermines what we do to keep them going and keep them trying.

I keep thinking that life would be so much BETTER for everyone if we stopped deciding how to make everyone FIT in, stopped encouraging the status quo, STOPPED HURTING people who are different, and supported each other and our differences. I know how much better I would feel going to the school or talking to the teachers if, instead of telling me how horrible the lives of my children will be if they don’t start fitting into the mold,

• they celebrated the small victories that the kids have overcome.
• If instead of giving up after 5 minutes and letting the kid fail, there was a way to SUPPORT the parents and their willingness to HELP at home?
• Offer RESOURCES to not only the children, but the parents/family.
• Maybe, just maybe, offering insight into activities that the kids are struggling with in school and letting the parents/family/guardians know of alternative approaches or places to go?
•  Maybe having different approaches offered at different schools so that kids who are visual learners can be taught that way, and kids who are kinesthetic learners are taught more that way, kids who respond better to hands on approaches get hands on lessons, kids who catch on easier if they do a lot of repetition GET the chance to have a lot more repetition before being forced onto the next lesson?
• TEACHING kids to do things that aren’t necessarily NATURAL (like forming letters) instead of leaving them to figure it out their own way (only to get frustrated when their methods are not as fast as the correct ones)?
• Telling the parents what their kids ARE doing well at? And if there isn’t ANYTHING the child does well… then maybe looking not at the child as the problem, but the teaching methods sometimes?

I for one have decided that life is not about how well you do in school or what your grades are… life is about connection and love and learning about the world and SHARING it with those around us. Life is not meant to be a competition… its meant to be about cooperation.

So I for one am going to focus on the small victories, the sparks of light, the hidden miracles of the everyday…

I for one am going to try and foster small people to be who they are and LOVE who they are, despite the way the world treats us…

And I’m gonna keep WRITING and hoping and trying to connect to others OUT THERE… in hopes that I am NOT the only one…

** The court won’t entertain custody hearings – because there is no reason that either of us should NOT be part of the kids lives (neither drinks, does drugs, is violent, no outstanding court issues, stable jobs, stable income, appropriate living environments) they have decided that in order NOT to waste the courts’ time or our money by having yet another contentious he said/she said case where both of us will be ordered to share the kids the way we are now. But I keep hoping that theEx will find a woman who will take him and remarry and have another family OR find a job elsewhere and move away (because I have a clear advantage in that case)…

Some days it just feels like I am not fully equip to live in normal society.  There are a LOT of days where I feel IMMENSE and IMMEASUREABLE (although, let’s admit it I still TRY to measure it, I measure everything) guilt over the decisions I made in the past few years – right OR wrong – and how horribly I have “broken” things.

Every SINGLE day I deal with a litany of complaints from ALL arenas about my children. Either theEx is complaining because of expenses associated with the children or having to deal with some issue with that the kids are having, or it’s GirlChild’s teacher complaining about how GirlChild BEHAVES. And a lot of the issues are placed squarely on ME.

Yes. My children have some issues.  But they are fucking CHILDREN, they are going through a fucking LOT of crap in their lives, and it is NOT 100% MY FAULT. And the sooner people realize that blaming things on their mother only makes things worse for EVERYONE the better off we will all be.

Because of the pressure of trying to make EVERYTHING the way EVERYONE else in the world wants it to be, I have started counseling. There is just SO much pressure to make the kids “perfect”…

You know what? I wonder what they mean by PERFECT.

My kids:

BoyChild is a sensitive sort that has been dealing with issues surrounding not feeling like he belongs anywhere. The first 4 years of school he attended 4 different elementary schools, so he’d make friends and then we’d move… and so more than ANYTHING he wants to be part of something, to fit IN with someone. He’s a child that wants to be loved and cared about and ACCEPTED. 

It’s been hard, for sure.

BoyChild has definitely been desperate to fit in. He wants to be accepted by everyone around him – adults and children alike – and the problem is that some of the people we find in our lives will just NEVER accept him. That’s a hard thing for a child. Hell, that’s a hard thing for a lot of ADULTS. And its VERY hard for me, as his mother, to watch him struggle to be liked and accepted and still fall short. There are just some situations and some people that you can’t gain acceptance from… hard truth.

GirlChild is an anxious child. She has a lot of trouble focusing and following direction, especially when she doesn’t feel secure with the adults in her environment. That’s partly what her counselor seems to think, and I can see it being close to the truth. She isn’t WILLFULLY ignoring the “rules”, she’s asking for attention without knowing what she needs. Unfortunately, breaking the rules gets her in trouble, and getting in trouble with the adults makes her feel LESS secure and MORE scattered and LESS sure of her abilities and MORE likely to break the rules because she needs to feel SECURE.

There isn’t much I can do.

Or is there?

My counselor put this belief to the test: 

Do I validate their feelings? Sure I support them, but I really LISTEN to how they are feeling and teach them that how they feel is ACCEPTABLE?

I don’t know that I do.

Yes, that’s a HUGE failing on my part. But I believe it is something that I can recover from.

In January I mentioned things that I wanted to change in my life, and one of them was changing my parenting style – not to something that fits what OTHER people want from my children,  but to the parenting style *I* always WANTED to follow (but was prevented by the situation in which I lived and survived up until this point).

So far, I have been making slow changes in this area… but obviously there is more I can be doing.

My children, by virtue of their lives, need more acceptance and care and less strict, harsh, discipline. They are still hurting from things. And trying to “make them LEARN” through recrimination, disapproval, and spanking doesn’t work. I know this.

I know that BOTH my kids flourish and behave better when they are praised for the good they do, rather than being told they are “bad” or being spanked. When they are praised they bloom, they want more, and they REACH for it. When they are told only how bad they are being, how much they do wrong they wilt, they give up and they quit caring about the rules and the consequences.

I know how they feel…

It’s the same feeling that I had in my marriage, where I felt nothing I did RIGHT ever mattered, so why should I try? I was gonna get in trouble, no matter what I did, nothing I did was going to be rewarded, I was stupid, ugly, useless, a bitch, cold, unlovable, dumb, unwanted…

I don’t want my kids getting THAT message.

I have been uncomfortable with the idea of spanking my children for a LONG time… and yet, for quite a while I bent to the wills of those around me, those people telling me that if I didn’t want my children to become “brats” (or other hideously nasty labels) I needed to spank them to get the message through to them.  I don’t believe this. I have never believed that spanking was necessary. And yet, I spanked, and (worse) I allowed other people to spank my children.

When I had my babies I wanted to be an attachment parent – I breast fed, on demand, until they self-weened; I co-slept with them (BoyChild until  he was  1, GirlChild until she was 6 months); I wore them; I was anti-ferber/cry-it-out; I made my own babyfood; I delayed bottle feeding (pumped milk) and introducing solids – but I was vetoed on some things (cloth diapering and homeschooling) that I wanted to do.  TheEx did not agree about the attachment parenting thing. He was more than willing to leave the kids with his parents for hours (or days),  he objected to the kids sleeping in bed with us because he felt he was disturbed more with the fussing and feeding routine when we were in bed with him, and he definitely did not want the “stink or expense” of cloth diapering. The idea of homeschooling was completely out of the question since I had to agree to work outside the home when I had GirlChild.

But I let the opinions of other people, even people who really had no real right to a solid opinion on my parenting or my children, influence me.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about raising kids, and they don’t hesitate to share that with you whether you want it or NOT.

No more.

I have decided that I am going to try to focus on my OWN parenting, and not listen to what I need to do to be a “good” parent or what the kids need to be like to be “good” kids.  I am listening to my heart.

Yes, my kids have issues. Yes, they don’t always listen, they don’t always pay attention, they don’t always OBEY… but they are small people who deserve to be encouraged, not discouraged.

I am committing myself to finding the way that is right for US to be a family, to be HAPPY.

I’m gonna try not to stress that people don’t like my kids. I’m gonna find people who DO like them, and surround myself with family-positive people who will encourage me to parent positively and accept my children for who they are NOW instead of withholding love until they meet some artificial ideal.

The ideas of my ex – punishment, control, obedience – are being left behind…

• The kids and I have recently become involved with the Boy Scouts of Canada. GirlChild is a Beaver, BoyChild is a Cub, and I am a Beaver Leader (Nickname: Rainbow). Through the Boy Scouts of Canada we have started to make new friends and connections… we are getting involved in the neighborhood in which the kids go to school, even though we don’t live in that area.
• I have started taking an Irish Dance class at the Queen Maeve School of Irish Dance, the same dance school that my daughter has been taking Irish Dance for 2 years. I am making friends with some of the women in my class (although the class enrollment has dwindled from 8 to 4 as of Dec 1). I might not be perfect at it, but I like it, and I am gonna keep going!
•  I have a blog. While at first that wouldn’t seem to be anything that would reduce loneliness, I have to say that about half of my good friends do not live anywhere (even remotely) near me. Yes, that makes it very difficult to go out for coffee or to a movie together. Because for so many years I was a stay-at-home parent 100% of the time, when I wanted to talk to people without spending a lot on babysitters, I reached out online… I met a lot of perfectly wonderful people online, and I continue to do so. And while my blog(s) do not have a steady and solid readership yet, I still write in hopes of finding more connections and weaving a stronger web of friendships out “There”…
• I’m looking into classes and courses to keep myself LEARNING. So far the roadblock that I have come across is my reluctance to give up precious time with my kids (and not having to pay babysitters all the time). I’m looking into Yoga and maybe another dance type thing?
• I am trying to find support type groups in my city– ones that either have child care or are flexible in allowing people to attend when they can. So far it hasn’t been easy to find. I am hopeful, though, that in the new year I will be able to schedule into a group for women escaping abusive relationships. If nothing else I will be entering into counselling for myself as well as my son (who started last week) so we can heal the wounds of abuse, and so I can become a better mother.
• Joining groups — single parent groups? Pagan groups? Unitarian Church? Book Club? ANYTHING that I can fit into my schudule AND I can afford

• With the help of my kids I hope to re-learn how to create without worrying what others think
• to doing yoga in the living room and not worrying about if we’re doing it right
• meditating
• journaling on my journey out of abuse and into love
• teaching my kids to skate
• teaching my kids to BAKE
• being part of the community — finding a FAMILY FRIENDLY organization that we can volunteer with
• Allowing my kids to give back to others
• Making messes without worrying about the “state of the house”, because eventually someone will clean it up
• Writing down the stories of MY CHILDREN for them (oh the joys of being able to type fast) and myself

Four days Away…