Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Dance like no one is watching

March19


IMG_8769

Originally uploaded by Moonslark

My life has been… well… turned a bit upside down lately.
Anyone who might read here might have noticed that in the last few days I haven’t written much, which might likely seem a bit unusual for me…
Just know that there are things I don’t blog about, things that hurt too deeply to reveal to the entire universe. Things that keep me feeling frantic and anxious and that nothing in my world can work out right, and that’s kinda the space I am in with things RIGHT now.

I intend to take action on the “things”… as soon as the topsy-turvies in my life settle a bit — that being that this week has been HORRIFIC for me not only for the unmentionable things I am dealing with in the background, but also the kids’ schedules have been way more intense than normal (we have things we have to do EVERY evening this week, which has meant that with my schedule and theirs, meals have had to be “out”, which bit my budget in the ass for sure), theEx is on my case about flipping over the parenting schedule, which has unfortunate side effects on appointments and courses and things I had booked on the ORIGINAL schedule, and intense worry which has led to less eating and sleeping and WAY more crying on my part…

Well… lets just hope that things work themselves through a bit.

The next few weeks are going to be hairy for me. As I said, theEx wants to change the schedule because of the upcoming Easter break… which then throws MONTHS of plans into disarray because the weeks that I had THOUGHT I had the kids (approx first 2 weeks of each month) are now HIS weeks and vice versa…

I thought I could rearrange everything… but there are a few things that, if I dont’ change the schedule back, I will be taking vacation time on weeks I don’t have the kids instead of with them…

I have tried not to be a bitch to theEX… but… seriously I do plan things in advance… because I need to, because I CAN (with him being unemployed and not knowing when or where he’ll get another job, he doesn’t do much future planning, or at least he doesn’t tell me about it UNTIL its right on top of me (ie, his vacation to the Caribbean, the fact that he has a party to go to on GirlChild’s birthday (and its not for GirlChild, its purely for HIM alone), and the fact that he has a party to go to on April 4th that he alluded to in December… ) just to mess with MY schedule…

Yes, everything is pissing me off lately.

posted under My Life | No Comments »

Up Data!!!

January22
And here ends another week, with another weekend ready to start (complete with huge amounts of household declutter and cleaning to be done, gym time to be had, and a scrapbooking night… and of course, a visit with RGG and his girls)…
 
So…
 
Things that made me want to tear my hair out this week (in no particular order):
 
Misunderstanding with RGG over our weekend visit
This was definately not a good thing, although it did offer us a bit of a poke in terms of learning to communicate with each other.
 
The issue was that when he and his kids stayed in the 3 bedroom apartment with my kids and I… and I got a BIT overwhelmed.
 
I didn’t communicate my needs very well to RGG (in fact, I tried to do it all myself and actually turned down his offers to help me a few times because I didn’t want to seem too weak)* and when he asked to talk about it on Monday night there were bad feelings on both sides of the computer screen.
 
The problem is that we’re both single parents, and starting a relationship (as single parents) means that our children have to come into the equation because both of us are “package deals” with our kids.
 
And I respect that. I think the fact that we share this common family structure helps him to respect my parenting arrangements as well.
 
But we are both a bit sensitive to how other people view our children. I know I am.
 
I think that he was primed to think that I was going to reject him because his girls threw a few tantrums. But what parent hasn’t been in that situation (in public)?
 
I mean, heck… I have BEEN there, and I know the feeling of utter mortification when your child is throwing a screaming fit in a public place (because they know that there is a chance that you’ll be so afraid to make more of a scene that you just MIGHT give in, even though you KNOW better (laugh))…
 
What overwhelmed me was not his kids.
 
It was not my kids.
 
It was the pressure I was putting on myself to be absolutely perfect, and the fact that by not asking for help I was ensureing that I failed at that.
Yeah… I really should spend more time taking notes when I read Havi over at The Fluent Self… (do I have to say it again? Go check her out!! That stuff is GOLD!!!) about asking for help.
 
Stress related panic attacks
As a bonus this week I have seen the return of the stress related panic attacks in my life.
 
They are striking me frequently as I go to bed, early on in my sleep cycle, or in the middle of the night.
 
And I am SO over these things.
 
I have been having the panicky fight-or-flight feelings that seem to come out of nowhere, particularly when I am trying to relaxed.
 
Obviously I am stressed by something. Or a few somethings. Or goddamned everything.
 
I don’t know where to turn with these things. But I’m open to suggestions!
 
Stuckification (to borrow a phrase from my favourite blog )
I am realizing, despite a great deal of change in the last few months, I am still very much stuck in patterns that are harder to change than I thought they were, and I’m at a loss as to how to start moving again.
 
I find that in my daily life I feel “itchy”, I want to move, I want to change, but I don’t really know where to start with this stuff other than to pull it out and examine it for the underlying patterns…
 
Then what???
 
That’s the thing, I know there must be a way to start getting past things, and yet I am resisting what is likely right in front of me.
 
For now I am reading what Havi has to say, checking out other blogs, and working my way through whatever lesson my stuck has for me.
 
Winter
 
Seriously, I’m over the novelty of snow and cold and ice and plugging my car in and scraping my windows and wearing thermal underwear…
 
Yes, I know I choose to stay here and here has 9 months of winter… but… GAH!
 
BUT… BUT…
 
There are good things too… really… look over here!!

 

Kids
 
The kids have been behaving this week, despite our frantic race to get everything done in the small <<squeezed>> space of time that we have together in the daytime. While I have the guilt that all working mothers seem to have, that is that I am not able to devote as much time to my kids as I think society demands of me, I am seeing vast improvements in our relationship.
 
I think that the 2 week rotation might be better for them, it seems that they are more settled this time than they were last time.
 
Unfortunately it is the last day with them, and I will be missing them for the next 14 days while they are with their father.
 
RGG and Communication
 
Despite the fact that we had a tense few days over the misunderstanding between us, I think that we are definitely learning to communicate with each other.
 
We work well together, and when we realize that we are wading into troubled waters it is a good thing that we can move the conversation to a more personal mode of communication.
 
Although I am a bit disturbed that he doesn’t seem to have any weaknesses (laugh)… I mean, the boy is pretty much good at EVERYTHING.
 
I feel a bit safer knowing that I can reach out, if I need to, and know that someone is out there who understands (parenting issues, loneliness, single parenthood, panic attacks) and doesn’t mind me calling.
 
Friends
 
Its good to have people, even online crazies, out there who sometimes care and almost always read your blog (even if they make fun of the wordiness and the sheer number of posts you crank out a day) and are supportive of you doing crazy things like, you know, writing and changing your phone number to prevent stalkers from annoying you, or falling in love with great guys who treat you well and understand you on many levels at once.
 
So, yeah… glad to have friends like that.
 
Twitter…
 
Okay… so I’m working on “getting” this Twitter thing… check me out  (@moonslark ) and let me know what you’re thinking… or even that you exist… if you exist… because you can’t have enough friends out there…
 
I don’t get many replies… but its easier than facing the facebook crowd… I can only stand to be poked so many times…
 
Waffle Iron
 
Don’t look at me like that!! I am seriously enamored by my waffle/sandwhich/panini/grill/pancake maker… I’ve had the thing for 3 weeks now and I have made 2 HUGE batches of waffles, a bazillion grilled cheese (and assorted meats) sandwhiches, and grilled a few steaks…
 
What can I say? The simple things in life…
 
Looking forward to in the next week!:
 
  • getting out to see RGG over the weekend, getting some good cuddles, and just spending more time with him and his kids to ease my loneliness
  • getting my house clean or at least in some sort of order
  • getting out to the gym and burning off some of my nervous energy
  • going out scrapbooking with the girls
  • knitting on the couch
  • being kissed
  • breathing deeply
  • facing the stuckification surrounding the podcast and potentially dealing with it 
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

The end is nigh?

January20
I recently wrote a post about the overwhelming experience of having RGG and his kids stay over the weekend with my kids and I… and I think that the whole event scared RGG (away?) way more than it scared me.
 
Sure, I was overwhelmed. But only PART of that was due to him and his kids being there… hell… my life right now is so overwhelming (divorce, debt, house sale, stalker, STBX, disorganized house, financial worries)…
 
I did feel very much alone in the experience. I felt I was singularly responsible, for the most part, for cooking, cleaning and keeping things sane, and it was a hard thing for me to do because, my dears, I happen to be a perfectionist.
 
It was a hard situation because while RGG was there and able to be supportive (and WANTED to be supportive), I wasn’t really comfortable asking him to help out and because I wasn’t asking for help he seemed to feel that he couldn’t just step in or take over. And so he tried to keep out of the way…
 
Which led to me being overwhelmed.
 
Unfortunately I don’t have the financial fluidity, not right now, to float 3 extra people all weekend by myself, not EVERY weekend… as much as I would LOVE to have them come stay, as much as I want to merge our lives right now, I just can’t afford to support 6 people by myself…
 
And I feel badly saying that, because it sounds like its just a financial thing for me…
 
 Do I want them around?  Yes… I do. I like having them around.
 
I LIKE the chaos.
 
I would need some help sometimes, I really would. I can’t do it EVERY weekend, for sure. I don’t know if I could do it when my kids were at their father’s because I feel that I’m a third wheel right now to him and his girls, but when my kids are around I feel I have a place… if that makes sense.
 
I would like to have them around more… I’d just need RGG to help me.
 
What kind of help would I need?
 
Well…
  • as much as he likes his sleep and to rest on weekends, I’d need him to get up with everyone and to be responsible the kids in the mornings while I  deal with breakfast and clean up
  • I would need him to actually tell me what the heck his kids will eat and to have a meal plan set out and agreed on rather than scrambling to figure out what to make
  • we’d need to get them out of the house a bit each day because my place is small and having 2-4 bored kids stuffed inside all the time just leads to trouble and extra melt downs
  • we’d have to decide how we deal with the kids and parenting issues — is he okay with me allowing his girls to throw a fit or will that bother him? Do I mind him telling my kids to do something or stop doing something?
 
I mean, if he helped a bit more this past weekend it wouldn’t have been so overwhelming… and a lot of that was MY fault for not asking him to get up and help out more — I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle the 4 kids… especially if (since) we might eventually want to merge our families a bit more…
 
But I couldn’t handle all the kids AND get meals prepared AND clean up afterwards AND keep the fights down (laugh) AND protect the cats AND dealing with the plumber AND worrying about how well I was doing…
 
I could have used someone to keep them in control (or out from under my feet) while I made meals. I could have used help with the dishes once or twice during the weekend. I could have definately used some input into meals (laugh)…
 
But more than the stress was the fact that I felt more SURE about what we are starting to create…
 
And this is the part that he’s having a hard time “getting”…
 
It might be HARD…
  • but I felt better about being mother (or mother figure) when he was there.
  • I felt better about my ability to make it through my divorce, and my financial stresses, and my stalker issues, and not knowing what to do with my house… when I knew that there was someone that still wanted to be with me when I was a bit frazzled and overwhelmed. When I knew that there was someone to hug for a minute.
  • I felt like there was HOPE left in my life… that even if it is HARD to do, I might not have to be alone FOREVER and EVER and EVER…
  • I felt that, overall, as a merging of our lives it might have been chaotic… but it was GOOD and it gave us a space to start and work towards a more merged life…
 
I just don’t know if he agrees…
 
 
 
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

Why do I do these things to myself Part 5 – the END

January4
So while the older kids snored, the younger girls were VERY aggitated. There was much kicking and flailing about, whining, crying, tossing, turning and repositioning on the bed. First they were positioned in between RGG and I, but their restlessness made them fuss louder as they were kicking and flailing and flipping over on each other.
Then we tried a position with RGG, RGG’s daughter, Me, Girlchild… so that the girls were shielded from each other by me. The problem soon became clear that RGG’s daughter didn’t want to be next to me, and she didn’t want to be next to GirlChild and she didn’t want to be on the other bed. RGG and I didn’t want to disturb the older children, to move into more family configuration. And so we were left desperately attempting to find a way to get the little girls to sleep, and HOPEFULLY to get a little sleep ourselves as well. 
Oh… did I mention that I had also agreed to go to work the next day? Yes I did!! So… amidst concern about how tired the little girls were, I was concerned about getting at least 2 hours of sleep in order to be able to go to work the next day and not be utterly useless. 
By 3am I was starting to get really worried that I wouldn’t get any sleep. I had been kicked so much that I was getting bruised on both sides from the little girls’ thrashing about. I had tried to sleep on the end of the bed and on the floor and on the chair and on the bed with the older kids. But no matter where I tried to lay I was unable to stop worrying that I couldn’t get enough sleep. Unfortunately, the worry started me having a bit of a panic attack, which set off an asthma attack… which was COMPLETELY embarrassing for me..
One part of the night is that the night we did this was Solstice Night… in most general Pagan terms, it is the longest night of the year, the rebirth of the sun. A common tradition for Pagan families is to stay up through the longest night of the year and celebrate the rebirth of the sun the next morning. I had previously joked with RGG that that was part of a tradition (he knows that I am Pagan, he doesn’t seem to know what that is, and so therefore he doesn’t seem to care all that much that I am Pagan, which right now works good for me)… but I had no real intention of letting my kids stay up all night when I had to work the next day either… 
Now, in retrospect, there were definitely things I could have done differently that night:
  • I could have ordered the pizza earlier, and we might have been able to eat BEFORE it was past their bedtimes… but that would have been hit and miss
  • I could have enforced the “only one glass” of pop rule… the problem was that G was drinking glass after glass and the kids didn’t see why they couldn’t as well. And, with one kid pouring for another, it got out of hand quickly. The sugary caffeinated beverages needed to be controlled.
  • the bedtime should have been a bit more settled
  • we should have laid down the law that the family units slept together, rather than splitting up. That way we could have kept control of our own kids better (laugh) 
Needless to say, between sugar, caffeine, excitement, and the novelty of the situation, the 2 younger girls decided that they would rather not sleep the whole night, and subsequently that their mother or father would not be allowed to sleep either. And, at around 4am I gave up. I just gave up being worried about work, about being upset that I wasn’t sleeping, that I was going to have a very crabby child on my hands, that I was likely NOT going to make it in to work that day (I rarely take sick days, so I didn’t worry that it would be an issue either, because it happens)… and RGG and I took the middle of the bed, cuddled up together, and put the girls on either side of us… 
And magically, about 6:30am, the girls settled down and fell asleep. And RGG and I extricated ourselves from them, I took the opportunity to call my manager and tell him that I was NOT going to come in that day to work and that I’d call him later, and took up at the foot of the bed to stretch out and groan about the events of the night and how much we think that we should have done things differently. Then, we decided to pass out together at the foot of the bed where our 4 and 5 year old (respectively his and mine) daughters had fallen asleep.
And we managed to sleep there from about 7am until the older kids (8 (mine) and 6 (his)) woke up at about 9:30am.
We entreated them to play quietly and allow their little sisters to sleep a bit longer, took over the bed THEY had been sleeping in, and continued to pass out for another hour before the littlest girl (RGG’s 4 year old daughter) woke up to play with the older kids. And then they managed to wake GirlChild… and there was grumpy crying and grumbly RGG (laugh) and me giggling… 
It was at THAT time that I decided that it would be absolutely BRILLIANT if we ALL got everything together and I took everyone out for breakfast (laugh). By this time RGG was getting quite “grumpy” about the whole event and tried to tell me that his kids would not behave, and I shushed him and forced him to have a shower instead while the kids got dressed and I cleaned up the room. We managed to get the mess under control (somewhat) and pressed the childrens to assist in running through the room looking for assorted mess and untidiness, getting themselves dressed, and being relatively quiet. We DID have to scramble a bit, as i realized, a bit belatedly (after I sent him off to shower) that the kids had managed to use EVERY towel for swimming the night before… but we quickly called housekeeping and ordered more towels, and slipped into the bathroom to make sure RGG had a clean towel to dry off with… and everything was set.
We got both cars started (yay!) and all the crap packed back up into the vehicles. 
Then it was off to Denny’s with the kids.
Actually, all said, the kids were GREAT, ALL of them, were well behaved. Other than some tiredness and one spilled glass of chocolate milk, everyone was happy and ate their breakfasts and had a good time together. It is good to know that they can get along… because I have a feeling that we are going to be spending some time together (yes, we have become very close and I think that we’re gonna try and make this work) and it is great to know that the kids can get along and deal with the fact that we are starting on down this path… 
When I first started writing this entry (or series of entries) I started off worrying that this was a breaking point in what was a very close blossoming relationship, and that he would run screaming from the exhaustion of being in a closed space with 3 little girls and 1 little boy and a girlfriend… but I now know that all this experience was for us was the first funny story and great memories. I know that we will have MANY more memories, many more great times… and I don’t worry so much at the end of this series as I did at the beginning of it… 
And ONWARD… 
posted under My Life | 2 Comments »

Why do I do these things to myself part 4

December25
Immediately upon finishing her pizza G announced she was going to go start her car. I cleaned up after the kids, made sure everything was put in garbage cans and such, wiped up sticky children-types, and tidied up as much as I could, then I went out to start MY car (which hadn’t been plugged in since noon, and at that time the temperature was dropping) and RGG’s car as well, to keep them from freezing up. RGG’s car (SUV, really) started quickly with no protest… so whatever he and his father had done to his battery had done the trick. 
 
My car, on the other hand, was patently NOT IMPRESSED with me and refused to start, despite my frantic attempts to get it to turn over. Not quite knowing what else to do, I retreated back into the warmth of the hotel room, and figured I could try to start it again later. 
 
G made a few comments about how glad she was to be getting out of the room and away from the children. I was, frankly, glad to see her go. I mean, why does she attend these things, since she wants a child-free (as opposed to child-less, where child-free is taken to mean that she wants as little to do with children, in ALL areas of life, as is humanly possible; child-less I take to mean that she has taken it upon HERSELF not to reproduce but accepts that children are a natural part of the social order…) life. I mean, this is a woman who was PISSED when the malls around here started offering “Expecting/New Mother” parking, because how DARE they give preferential treatment to someone just because that person has been “irresponsible” (her word) enough to spawn? She’s the kind of person who will PURPOSELY park in one of those stalls, JUST to make a point that it is stupid and unfair, because she objects to the idea. 
 
Once everything was slightly cleaned up, we got the kids into (or back into, as in the case of BoyChild and GirlChild) their bathing suits, RGG and I suited up, and we wandered off to the deeper pool (right outside our window). There was running in the hallways (of course) and a bit of confusion when some kids went to one pool and one went to the OTHER pool, and the adults were left trying to figure out which pool to go to. BoyChild went to one pool, the others went to the other pool, I followed BoyChild, RGG went with the others… then BoyChild and I went to find the others, and they came to find us… 
Finally we settled on which of the 2 pools to go to, and got some towels, and settled everyone down to swim. The younger kids, GirlChild and RGG’s youngest, stayed in the shallow paddling pool, BoyChild and RGG’s Oldest played in the regular pool, and RGG and I sat in the lukewarm hottub (laugh). The kids jumped in and out, always watched by RGG and I. The little girls splashed us, and we splashed them… the older kids tended to stay in the pool and play by themselves, unhindered by their younger sisters.
We stayed in the pool until we were forcibly evicted (10pm) and then headed back to the room admid whining from the little girls that they were too cold and wanted to be carried, and the older kids running off in the wrong direction and yelling up and down the hallways. Between RGG and I we managed to collect all the kids into the room, dry them off, and get them out of their wet suits and into nice warm jammies. We all went down the hallway to get some ice from the machine (and learned that the machine needed the room key, who knew?) and RAN back to the room.
RGG went out to start the cars (because… hello… -40C!!) and managed to get the cars started, which was more than I was able to do with mine. We decided to get a movie, so the kids wanted popcorn and RGG agreed to run out and get popcorn. While he was out getting popcorn the kids found the Yule Log (which is one of my traditions) which was a sweet, caramel covered, chocolate roll cake. I gave each of the kids a small piece of Yule Log, and I *THINK* they were handing out Coke to each other, even though I was giving them ice water… but that is how RGG found us all (complete with 5 guilty looks) when he returned from getting popcorn.
That is about the time we decided that the kids likely had had ENOUGH of the coke (and cake) and cut them back to just water. Of course, seeing as they don’t generally get so much pop, they had already likely had too much, and they didn’t really WANT to stop drinking the forbidden drink. We turned off the lights and tried to settle down the kids by starting a movie (Journey to the Centre of the Earth). The 2 older kids wanted to sit on one bed together, and the little girls wanted to cuddle with their parent, so we divided the bed space up so the older kids were in one bed and the other 4 of us were crammed onto the other bed.
They lasted the ENTIRE movie without falling asleep, and so we got them all up to go to the bathroom, and then tossed them back in bed. We still couldn’t convince the older kids to cuddle up in family units, preferring to stay (giggling) in their bed pretending to be secret agents. That left one queen bed for RGG, I, and the 2 younger girls to sleep in.  We started off the night with  RGG on the outside of the bed,then his daughter, me, and GirlChild… but the girls didn’t seem to like things that way. 
The older kids were trying to stay up, and were giggling about something that no one could hear. We kept saying “be quiet now, its time to sleep” over and over… and eventually saying it over and over just struck me as really REALLY funny and I started laughing and laughing and laughing… which caused the little girls to start laughing, and made me laugh harder, which made the older kids start to laugh. Eventually RGG, totally confused by the laughing, asked, bewildered “what? did I miss something? What’s so funny?”… which just made me laugh all the harder.
After that the older kids settled down and were quiet, and soft snoring came from their side of the room… but the other bed was a hotbed of activity… 
posted under My Life | No Comments »
« Older EntriesNewer Entries »

This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


Follow me!!


By TwitterIcon.com
Subscribe in a reader

Subscribe via email update

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

The Freak Manifesto

Click here to download your copy of the Freak Manifesto

Things I am up to right now!

52 WEEKS TO AWESOME!!!

The Next Chapter: The HAPPY BOOK
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group

Goddess Leonie’s Wonderful Goddess School!!


Click here to view more details


2010 Goddess Workbook!
Goddess Leonie's Guide to 2010 Goodness!!

Categories

Calendar Widget

July 2010
M T W T F S S
« Jun    
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031