Inevitably sometime around this time of year SOMEONE asks me what I might want for “Christmas”*… and I always draw a blank.

 

I’m 35 years old now. No one gives me gifts (for the most part) anymore… I don’t have a husband to give me presents, and my family has pretty much decided that anything I want I can damned well buy myself. So I don’t usually get gifts anymore…

 

When I was younger I used to always have a list of things that I wanted, from the small things like boxes of paperclips (I was always an odd child) to grander things (like adventures) it was an ongoingly updated jumble in the back of whatever journal I was writing in at the time. Sometimes there were just clips of things I found in magazines or newspapers, other times just words… or a small sketchy thing… but it was a constant

 

Somewhere around the time I got married I stopped doing this list.

 

 

I struggle with feeling a lot of guilt over asking for anything (or recieving anything) that I am really REALLY working on being able to ask for what I need (and maybe wants will come along after that??), but there is still the feeling that WANTING is dirty somehow, that gift GETTING is wrong.

 

It comes from the internal voices telling me that no one really cares, so asking for things will just set you up for disappointment. Unfortunately, for a huge percentage of my life it was a belief born out of truths, and to avoid being hurt I didn’t ask for things and I didn’t expect to be remembered by anyone or celebrated (hence I threw my own bridal shower, baby shower and birthday parties because if I didn’t do it myself it wouldn’t happen)…

 

I’m trying to change patterns, but this one is a HARD one.

 

 

 

And, of course… more than ANYTHING I would like a little freaking FUN in my life in the upcoming year…

 

Take that as you will….

And in case anyone is curious… I am still waiting for the city to tell me whether I am approved for the house that I bid on. I have been approved for my mortgage, dependant on if I get the approval from the city.

 

Sigh.

I hoped this would be done before Christmas…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*firstly I don’t really DO Christmas as much as I do the “christmas season” thing… it just doens’t feel “RIGHT” to me, given I don’t believe in Christ and most of his followers (although not all of them) give me hives…

 

Ye Gods!

 

Its been a while since i wrote.

 

I could say that life is busy — but in reality it isn’t.

I could say that I have so many responsibilities — but I don’t.

The truth is that I have been driven under by OVERWHELM in my life right now… characterized by poor sleep, nightmares, anxiety, panicky feelings, tears, and complete uncertainty about my life choices and where I am going. There is no simple explanation about this… I just feel like things aren’t where I thought they would be, and the not being sure when things will change, improve, or just SHIFT is making me feel horribly insecure about EVERYTHING right now.

 

So, I have been doing a lot of crying at night…

 

And at work..? YIKES!

The inability to get even the easiest tasks done(because it seems that EVERY time I start something, I am asked to re-prioritize and focus on something else instead — I feel like I’m putting out fires with a plant mister at the office) has made my days at work feel like a fight, leaving me with feelings of incompetency and worrying that my job might be in danger. So I work all day feeling overwhelmed and incompetent and under appreciated — and I come home to NO ONE and I have no one to reach out to talk to most of the time, and I end up dissolving into tears, which makes me feel horrible, and uncertain and fuels the feeling of loneliness and pathetic…

 

 

It’s football season now, so its unlikely that Reg will be calling me, and although I call him quite often it isn’t always the SAME as if he reached out to me once in a while. When he calls I don’t feel like I’m interrupting or bothering him or distracting him from something he’d rather be doing.  And my wanting to spend time with him, wanting to be part of his life, and being forced to realize that 1) I can’t due to the way our lives are (and if I had only met him a few months earlier things might have been DIFFERENT), 2) there is a better than average chance that even if we COULD have a life together he doesn’t want that because I come with baggage, and 3) I have to just be patient because its only BEEN 10 months and neither of us is done with our exes yet.

 

But… being away from Reg, being separated from my kids, not being able to call or talk to or HUG my babies for 2 weeks, having most of my friends live so far away I can’t get together with them more than once a year if i am lucky… and things just not going well at work or with the completion of my divorce… and its all felt like it has been crashing down on me this week.

 

So… I have been STUCK… well and TRULY stuck…

 

I have a list of the “SHOULDS” about a mile long, overwhelm that has been making me want to put my head in the sand and not see anything, and clutter, both mental and physical (and spiritual) piling up around me where ever I look… and, again, the more things pile the more I want to avoid, the more I avoid, the more things get pushed into the piles…

 

 

I have come to the realization that I have to learn to live with the life i have for now, to create a stable foundation for moving past this stage in my life. And that it won’t be easy, and it won’t always feel FUN or JOYFUL or full of love… because, let’s face it, right now I spend a lot more time not being surrounded by love and friends and happiness and I will have to WORK to get to that place again.

 

And you know what? It’s OKAY to feel this way sometimes. I’m not gonna hide it, I’m not gonna try to pretend that my life is chocolate and roses, that I don’t struggle, that there aren’t times I wished that I had not made the decisions I made in my past, that there aren’t times I wonder if I should have put up with the abuse in my marriage in order to not be floating out here completely on my own… 

 

Because that’s REAL. 

 

But that doesn’t mean I get to WALLOW either. It means that I get to admit that I am struggling… and I can allow myself to FEEL what I feel… but then I have to work through it too and try to make things better.

 

So I have put together lists (wow, shocker, I KNOW!!!)… of things I have to do to get through this horrible lonely transition time:

 

And… well… its going to be a learning journey.

 

I am actually STILL kicking around the idea of doing a podcast, its just getting off my bottom and doing it, finding the time, energy and courage to talk to my computer as if it were a PERSON (which still feels weird at me)… and explore who and what I am again…

 

I’m perpetually “Facing East”… might as well journalize it…

 

 

 

 

 

A list

I am back at work, after having a week (and a day) off… and my desk looks like a bomb went off on it. Generally, my desk is covered with various things, piles (if you will) of specifics sorts that I have to deal with on a daily basis :

But when I got back to work this morning, the piles that were on my desk were not these piles. They were piles of mixed design (which means that co-worker just tossed information into whatever pile he was closest to instead of where it belonged) and so I have spent the greater part of my first day back to work resorting through the detrius and looking for order in the chaos that was my desk.

 

And since I have been poked by S (aka Sunil from his own personal bloggy blog thinger (and because he hates the word “blog”) Sunil Sebastian.com)  regarding the small stories of my trip to visit (torture?) him on his turf with my kid-lings, I thought I would start this process by making a list. 

 

Yay, a list! 

Yes, a list. Another list full of listy goodness… chock full of vitamin… um… something or rather that keeps us focused or… 

 

Seriously, I make lists. And then I make them into charts, usually gantt charts, which then make S’s brain explode. The next step is either an ishikarwa diagram or a mind map. I can’t decide which.

But lists are something I do. Like piles. And laundry (oh, the LAUNDRY) and dishes (gag!)… and sweeping up massive tumbleweeds made of cat hairs that roll along the floor of my apartment (and I sweep AND swiffer them up every day!!)… 

 

So… here is a list of interesting tidbits about my time away from Saskatchewan to visit the greater Toronto area:

 

So… if I get around to it, there will either be a small series of posts about this adventure, or more likely a mind map of the adventure…

 

Really, the best way to explain this whole thing would have been for S and I to record an ongoing podcast… its better than saying “You had to be there”…

 

 

 

• hungry (its lunch hour and I haven’t brought anything to eat)
• annoyed
  •   over drama
  • trying to determine how to get all the kids’ stuff since STBX has decided that I should pick them up from the daycare instead of him picking them up and dropping them AND all their stuff off at my place after work as we had originally agreed upon. Waiting for STBX to bring things to my worksite (which is 5 mins from OUR house in which HE lives)
• tired because i didn’t get much sleep for the last 2 nights between anxiety attacks (over having to visit my lawyer and the upcoming 4 way meeting with STBX and his lawyer and also over the fact that despite trying very VERY hard to cut Stalker out of my life he continues to show up at least once a week and try to create some drama in my life) and also because I went out to a movie that ended quite late (11:30pm) with C last night.
• anxious because I have a great deal of things I have to do this afternoon, and more now because i have to pick up the kids and figure out what to feed them (I may just take them out for supper tonight because I didn’t expect to have them until later and now I am scrambling to have to revise plans and I have nothing READY for them)
• anxious because I feel I have blown my budget already this month, but I haven’t been able to really SET a budget yet either…
• anxious over the prosepect of the 4 way meeting
• pressed for time, because I don’t have things ready for the kids when they return home this afternoon
• relieved that the preliminary meeting with the lawyer is over
• hopeful that my divorce can be completed within the year

I am feeling much less… annoyed at my lawyer and STBX. I mean, the divorce will be dragged on as long as the legal system can possibly do it, and I accept that. I am not looking to remarry anytime soon, if ever (although once I am divorced, who knows how I will feel about it? There are definately aspects of marriage that are valuable and right, even if my marriage was not loving, supportive, or cooperative in the least. I realize, now, that there is a value to a sustained, legally recognized family unit… but the divorce process is a BITCH and I will be more cautious about getting married because getting divorced is insanely difficult)… but I do NEED my name off the debt accounts that he has been frivilous with and away from his selfish spending patterns.

STBX will not change. That much is obvious. He grew up in absolute poverty, and yet HIS father feels that if there is even $5 in his wallet it NEEDS to be spent and ALL available credit should be used to the maximum allowed. You’d think, watching his parents struggle (and they do not earn much through their church/charity) that he would learn that you have to have savings, that things happen, that you can’t be straining against the bank all the time. And, given his income, there is really no reason OTHER than selfishness and stupidity (and really, can’t blame ME for this because there were MANY things he didn’t NEED that he bought) for him to be so far in debt.

I am trying to let go of the fear of his debt. I am trying to focus on fairness in this situation. I am trying to keep my temper out of it. Right now I have to focus on the other things in my life.

And, truth be told, there are so many good things in my life right now.

As I said before, I am in the process of just starting off on a new relationship, and I am surprised at how good this is going for me. I wake up in the morning smiling and thinking of him, and I smile as I go to sleep, after having talked to him. And I know, part of it is the flush of something new and exciting (hell YEAH!) and the thrill of learning new patterns and openning myself up the new possibilities… and that’s good. I am not focusing on “where is this going” right now, because what’s the point? It will develop as it develops, and pushing it to some place that it is not meant to go will serve no purpose.

And I think he feels the same.

I look forward to texts from him in the morning before he gets to work, and messages on IM after we get our kids to bed in the evenings, and to seeing him on weekends when we can. I look forward to talking to him and snuggling up to him on the couch and watching a movie, and kissing him, and letting things lead where they lead. I feel like a teenager, but, of course, I don’t have the constraints of a teenager. I don’t have the guilt with pre-marital sex (or post-marital or sex OUTSIDE of an official sanctioned marraige vow, which,  truth be told didn’t bother me ALL that much when I was a teenager), and I am free to explore the depths of my sexuality with this man.

I am loving the freedom to be myself that i have right now:

• I love being able to go to the gym sometimes and just run on the treadmill or do the weights (although I want to do a class, I just never seem to get to it) for an hour.
• I love being free to go through my stuff, all the variety of crap that I have in my house, and just GET RID of things that don’t work for me anymore, that don’t FIT me anymore, or which don’t have purpose for me.
•  I LOVE having a bit of money on iTunes so I can get music I like, and not having to worry about deleting music that I do NOT like.
• I love having time and space to be creative (although I haven’t used it yet).
• I love being free to bake cookies if I want, or order a pizza, or to make pizza.
•  I love being able to spread out my tarot cards on the floor, being able to sit and READ them.
• I love being able to chat online and KNIT things.
• I love making socks.
• I love deciding to wear makeup in the morning.
•  I love dressing sexy and being able to be appreciated for my taking care of my body.
• I love my small nose piercing.
• I love my peridot ring.
• I love showering in the mornings (when my shower isn’t broken).
•  I love laying in my large bathtub and reading trashy books in the evenings.
• I love bathing with LUSH products.
• I love having a cup of hot tea in the evenings, wearing my flannel pj’s and haning out with my online friends.
• I love being able to have sex when I want it, and being able to use DIFFERENT positions.
• I love writing in my journals
• I love my collection of blank books
• I love my collection of kid created art on my walls
• I love my tiny Yule tree
• I love being able to get things for MY family
• I love having as many pens as I want
• I love not having to watch TV or movies every night
• I love not having to listen to PEARL JAM all the time
• I love being free to sleep alone, and being free to cuddle up when I have the opportunity
• I love being able to burn incense
• I love having the freedom to set up an altar
• I love being Pagan
• I love singing to my music
• I love dancing in my living room
• I love my kittens running through the house
• I love my HD tv (laugh)
• I love the quiet
• I love driving my car
• I love printing off pictures and putting them up where I want to
• I love controlling my own finances
• I love choosing who I talk to and how long I talk to them
• I love loving my body and all its responses to things
• I love touching and being touched, kissing and being kissed, tasting and being tasted
• I love giving my all and getting things in return.
• I love not being married to STBX, and I look forward to being granted a divorce. I’m going to FRAME that certificate. I am going to throw a party. I am going to have wild, uninhibited sex. I am going to celebrate surviving his selfish bullshit and childish petulance.

I don’t regret marrying him, I do regret choosing to settle when I knew I wasn’t sure before I married him. I regret not staying away from him when I first found out I was pregnant with GirlCAhild and going back to a man I knew couldn’t change to become less selfish. I don’t regret choosing not to have more children with him, but I regret choosing to make it a permanent factor so I could never choose to have another child. 

And I am going to continue to love ME…