Frozen Nowhere

Inevitably sometime around this time of year SOMEONE asks me what I might want for “Christmas”*… and I always draw a blank.
 
I’m 35 years old now. No one gives me gifts (for the most part) anymore… I don’t have a husband to give me presents, and my family has pretty much decided that anything I want I can damned well buy myself. So I don’t usually get gifts anymore…
 
When I was younger I used to always have a list of things that I wanted, from the small things like boxes of paperclips (I was always an odd child) to grander things (like adventures) it was an ongoingly updated jumble in the back of whatever journal I

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Ye Gods!
 
Its been a while since i wrote.
 
I could say that life is busy — but in reality it isn’t.
I could say that I have so many responsibilities — but I don’t.

The truth is that I have been driven under by OVERWHELM in my life right now… characterized by poor sleep, nightmares, anxiety, panicky feelings, tears, and complete uncertainty about my life choices and where I am going. There is no simple explanation about this… I just feel like things aren’t where I thought they would be, and the not being sure when things will change, improve, or just SHIFT is making me feel horribly insecure about…

A list
Because, at work no one can hear you care… (snicker)

I am back at work, after having a week (and a day) off… and my desk looks like a bomb went off on it. Generally, my desk is covered with various things, piles (if you will) of specifics sorts that I have to deal with on a daily basis :

• I have a pile for jobs that we have estimated that need to be detailed for the MotherShip (aka, head office),
• I have a pile for the jobs that we have been awarded so that I can go through the different hoops that are required to set up the job

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Friday Follies…
 
Today, being friday, I have been feeling a bit… write-ish. Not that that is a horribly UNCOMMON thing for me, since I seem to be writing at least 2 posts or entries  per day lately… but its a statement of the way I feel at this point in time.
 
Actually, here is ALL that I am feeling right this minute:

• hungry (its lunch hour and I haven’t brought anything to eat)
• annoyed
  •   over drama
  • trying to determine how to get all the kids’ stuff since STBX has decided that I should pick them up from the daycare instead of him picking them up and dropping them AND all their stuff off

…

I am feeling much less… annoyed at my lawyer and STBX. I mean, the divorce will be dragged on as long as the legal system can possibly do it, and I accept that. I am not looking to remarry anytime soon, if ever (although once I am divorced, who knows how I will feel about it? There are definately aspects of marriage that are valuable and right, even if my marriage was not loving, supportive, or cooperative in the least. I realize, now, that there is a value to a sustained, legally recognized family unit… but the divorce process is a BITCH and I will be more cautious about getting married because getting divorced is insanely difficult)… but I…