The last 3 years I have been wandering, lost, in an unknown place. I shook off the chains of my marriage, I left an abusive situation, and I gained my freedom. But in a lot of ways I wasn’t READY for the freedom I gained, and the sudden freedom really messed with my mind.

Where I was….

TheEx monitored me 24 hours a day. I was used to being watched and scrutinized and was fearful of talking to coworkers, fearful of phone calls and emails, and fearful of making plans. For years I knew that my husband would call me at work, randomly, and hope to catch me away from my desk, which he assumed meant that I was engaging in adulterous activities – so I did my very best to be at my desk at work 90% of the time (this was one of a number of undisclosed reasons that I was “let go” from that job without disciplinary action). I knew that every phone call I received at home was checked (or listened in on), that he checked my online diary, personal diary, daytimer, email accounts, snail mail, and cell phone records. My in-laws babysat and for years and reported on all my comings and goings (my FIL was just the same with my MIL). I lived in a cage where anything I did or said or anyone I talked to would result in insults and anger and more monitoring…

You’d think that being free after being so constrained would be a joyful thing. But I was not used to having freedom.

Living In FEAR…

For an entire year after I walked out I was on constant alert for danger.

After I left the ex, I didn’t leave my parents house for 6 weeks. I didn’t phone anyone. I didn’t go to any events. I lived with my parents, so my life was work and home, home and work. I was afraid to leave my parents’ house in case they were mad at me for not being there with them. After a while I would hide out in the city on the weekends after I dropped the kids off for his visitation – but I was afraid to go out with anyone or do anything where I could be seen.

I was so afraid of the freedom I had gained, I handed my life over to the next bad idea – the Stalker – even though I knew that I was not ready for another relationship. At first I was happy, I belonged to someone and I had boundaries given to me. There were expectations at first, then suggestions, then pleadings, and then commands. He would spiral through the cycle of abuse in one email, only to back track and blame his language on me and how much I meant to him in the next. When I pulled away, he desperately clutched, using all means including my spiritual beliefs to prove to me that he was the man I was destined for.

It took a great deal of strength, but I gained freedom from Stalker too…

Comfort in being ALONE…

By this time I was comfortable with being alone in my home. I was still afraid to leave my home after work or on weekends, and I didn’t regularly answer my phone or check my email… slowly slowly I could feel myself uncurl from the compressed constraints that I had lived within. Slowly I started to look up, to dream, to seek more, to explore.

I continued to be lost. I looked to friends to tell me what to do. I looked to Reg to tell me. I looked to coworkers. I looked to advice bloggers and relationship experts and my therapist and my children… I wanted to do it RIGHT this time, but I didn’t know what RIGHT was!!

I went from having my life mapped out for me (get a degree, get a husband, have children, get a job, buy a house, work 30 years, retire…) to having no map. I went from knowing what was expected of me to having no expectations for my future.

With an awed suddenness I went from having a life which was narrowly defined and constrained, to having every possibility opened to me…

And with it a terrible paralysis has developed.

Where I find myself NOW…

I have been spinning in circles looking at everything at once, wanting it ALL and knowing that inevitably it is impossible to do so. I am struck with the feeling of being both 36 and also 18 – I have responsibilities placed on me by society and yet I also have so many possible plans and desires that I don’t know what I “want to do when I grow up”…

Such was my previous life that I am not sure what my talents are, what my passions are, what I want out of life. I feel lost in a fog of “who am I” that occasionally lifts but doesn’t completely clear up. The path I am walking is unseen, unclear, and unsure… Several times I have lost my footing, turned or lost confidence in the steps ahead…

But this too is a natural part of life.

My formerly secure identity – X’s wife, BoyChild and GirlChild’s mother, employee of Y – have all been shaken or destroyed. I am standing in front of the mirror of my own consciousness, trying to see the future I no longer have, and trying to divine a path I have not yet committed to.

My grief is tangible to me, but invisible to most. I do not know who I am meant to be. I do not know HOW to find the answers. I do not know where to turn… other than inside myself.

Now is the time to trust in my heart and start to listen to my own intuition instead of deciding on the basis of what others judge to be the best path for me to take.  Now is the time for me to explore my self, my desires, and learn from my past mistakes. Now is the time to define, for myself, what is “success”, what is worthy of sacrifice and what burdens are best laid down…

I trust that I am the only one who can find my Path and my SELF. And right now that means exploring and discovering what fits ME and not listening to what fits someone else…

Yesterday…

… I worked to get my IM working, only to be told that the issue wasn’t with any of the friends on my contact lists.

… I reconnected my email accounts.

… I cried

… I realized that as much as it hurt, it was necessary to let it go.

… I left the lawyer another message.

…I decided to travel even if I had to go alone.

… I wanted to bitchslap someone.

… I wanted a change of scenery.

… I finished my book and realized Ididn’t have another.

… I realized that I didn’t have to forgive and forget, because that is not necessarily a moral “good” in my world.

…I delighted in the colour of my room.

Today…

…I yawned so hard I hurt my jaw.

… I spent 30 minutes arguing with the printer over whether or not there actually WAS a paper jam (there wasn’t, its evil).

…I decided to look into travel plans despite setbacks.

… I asked a friend forgiveness knowing that sometimes things can’t be repaired.

…I made alternate arrangements.

… I wondered at the douchery that is my ex-husband (again).

… I acted as secretary for the ex.

…I lost my patience with the lawyer (again) and am considering just settling the matter once and for all.

… I spent some time thinking about connections.

Tomorrow…

… I will decide if I want to move forward from here.

… I will broach the subject of travel.

…I will look into my heart and see if I want to forgive someone.

… I will realize that you can never go back, only forward.

…I will hope

…I will spend time being quiet

…I will no longer wait to hear your voice.

… I will make plans of my own with no conditions.

Years ago, when I would have identified myself first and foremost as a Wiccan*, I came across something called the Celtic Tree Sign… sort of a Celtic Pagan Astrology thing. I don’t know if it was real, or yet another thing created by those displaced European Pagans who desperately wanted to connect with something, and so looked back to their supposed Celtic roots. But there it was, another “what is your sign, what does your tree say about you” and I remember that every iteration of this “tree sign” thing I came up with the same, damned tree…

The WILLOW

My concept of a willow was that of the obsequious “weeping willow” a droopy sad looking tree that fairly oozes the idea of self pity and “oh, woe is me”. I associate it with a WEAK, mopey, quality of self-reflection that gets one stuck in the “what’s wrong with me” thinking.  It was of a tree that was whipped about in the wind, never standing solid against the storms being thrown at me…

This is what the Celtic Tree Sign says about Willow:

“If you are a Willow sign, you are ruled by the moon, and so your personality holds hands with many of the mystical aspects of the lunar realm. This means you are highly creative, intuitive (highly psychic people are born under the sign of the Willow) and intelligent. You have a keen understanding of cycles, and you inherently know that every situation has a season. This gives you a realistic perspective of things, and also causes you to be more patient than most tree signs. With your intelligence comes a natural ability to retain knowledge and you often impress your company with the ability to expound on subjects from memory. Willow Celtic tree astrology signs are bursting with potential, but have a tendency to hold themselves back for fear of appearing flamboyant or overindulgent. It is your powers of perception that ultimately allow your true nature to shine, and what leads you to success in life.”

Maybe I’m wrong about the willow.

Have you ever seen a willow, truly SEEN one? A willow bends in the storm, the flexibility that allows it to adapt but not break. It sits on the edge of the marshy wetlands (the emotional aspect?) and thrives without drowning. Even the WEEPING willow, the sorrowful member of this tribe, can both reach for the sky and touch the ground!
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Recently I have been thinking of who I am… and what I am… I started this blog for the purpose of finding my voice and finding myself and finding my true strength.

For years I got caught up with what other people thought of me – I was caught in the reflective pool, gazing at myself and wondering why I wasn’t happy and how I could become what other people wanted me to be – and I never once even CONSIDERED doing something counter to that.

I graduated high school and immediately went to university. Was I ready? NO. But I went because it was what was expected of me. What did I WANT to do? I wanted to travel somewhere, but I felt that I wasn’t permitted by my upbringing (until I was 32 I never went ANYWHERE outside my city BY MYSELF) and so I did what I thought I should do.

I dated men that I knew were acceptable to my family – they had good earning potential and good family – and never considered anything other than the headlong trip into marriage. Was I ready? NO. Did I love the man I married? NO, but I was too afraid to say “no” to a proposal because that was what I was groomed to do, get married and have children. While I wanted children, I didn’t necessarily want the man I married.

Even leaving the abuse was hard because of the expectations surrounding the image of who I was… I was a wife, I was a mother, and to those outside my home, I had a good husband and a “good deal”. I was miserable. I felt that I had grown up too soon after university, been pushed to get a job when my kids were too young (therefore not getting to be the kind of mother I wanted to be) and leaving an abusive husband necessitated that I work more to provide for the kids and pay the lawyer to get divorced.

I should have been free to be who I wanted to be once I was free of the Ex’s bullshit, but I wasn’t. I lived with my parents, so I was careful to be what they felt was “good enough”. I lived under threat from theEx of him taking my children or cutting child support, so I played the role of “good girl”. I dated the person he accused me of leaving him for, because I might as well do the crime since I already paid for it!

Not once have I considered, first and formost, about what *I* wanted in my life.

Until recently, that is. I always worried more about what others would THINK if I did this or that or the other thing. Not how I would feel about myself, but what OTHER people would think or say, or god forbid, DO to me if I did what I wanted, said what I needed, or admitted to what I really wanted to do in my life…

That is absolute BULLSHIT.

I am a 36 year old woman. I have a job that pays my bills. I have a car that is paid off. I have very little debt. I have enough to make my bills. I have retirement savings. I know my limits. I know my rights now, and I know what the Ex can and cannot do to me if he disapproves of my life style.

I am an adult. I do NOT need anyone’s permission for the choices I make in my life. I do not have to cower (anymore) for not loving my husband, for fighting against him to have my daughter, for choosing to leave my marriage, for the mistakes I have made in the process of my divorce.

I do NOT need permission from anyone to live my life the way I want it. Not to save or spend, travel or stay, love or leave, hold or release… My life is for me and my kids and whomever I choose to share it with – not my ex husband, not my ex-stalker, not friends, not employer or coworkers, not my parents, not my extended family – and if people choose not to agree with the things I do, then that’s okay.

Maybe I am learning from Willow… before I saw willow’s ability to bend as a weakness… now I see that being able to adapt and change, to stay grounded and rooted while the storm has whipped about me, is a strength. I see the ability to live with emotions and not be overwhelmed, to reflect on the patterns and cycles in life as a BENEFIT and a BLESSING…

I know, now, that I can grow towards the sky while still staying in touch with the grounding emotions and intuition that allow me to grow to my full potential. More than being rooted to my past, I am able to draw on my awareness of the emotional side of things to soften my approach and allow me to bend and whip about without breaking.  I’m learning that what I thought was a weakness (my ability to feel and share my feelings with others) is really able to be a strength as I ground myself through my awareness of not only my foundation but my emotions.

Have you ever found your perceived weakness was really your truest strength?

* I no longer primarily identify myself as Wiccan. This is a new thing that I’m starting to explore, I still identify as Pagan, but no longer want to focus on being Wiccan.

I’m sitting in my office, listening to the rain pelt the windows and wondering if anything is likely to seep through the crack in the window.  The day is grey and wet and slightly foggy, leaving a chilly mist wafting through the office whenever someone opens the door. There are piles of paperwork on my desk, and the ubiquitous sticky notes all over the monitor and my day timer reminding me of the ways I’m being pulled in different directions trying to get things done.

I’m waiting for the weekend… waiting to get out of the monotony of paperwork and stress and being questioned about the most minute details..

Weekends are my days to do chores, if I can get the time to do them. The problem has been GETTING THEM!  Because theEx likes to play stupid little games and fucks around with the custody schedule to suit his needs, I haven’t gotten many weekends without the kids:

• March 6-19 the kids were with me (2 weeks)
• March 19-26 the kids were with him (1 week)
• March 26-April 2 the kids were with me (1 week)
• April 2-9 the kids were with him (1 week)

And it doesn’t end there:

• April 9-24^th (because he has a business trip that takes him out of town until the 22^nd and he wants to have social time with the new girlfriend, he’s picking the kids up late)the kids are with ME ( 2 weeks +1 day so I have HALF a weekend)
• April 23-April 30 the kids are with him (1 week)
• May 1-May 14 the kids are with me… and the schedule goes back to normal

Until or unless he fucks around with it some more…  

Anyway, the point is that I haven’t had 2 weekends in a row to get things done since I moved into my house. Even the weekends that I haven’t had them has been taken up with other obligations that pull me away from spending time on my ME things. I find myself feeling anxious to get started things, but since I don’t have consistent time after work to pull things out and get started before I have to put things away again… well… I have found myself making a list of promises to myself that have to wait until I don’t have the kids. It will be at LEAST 4 weeks before I get an entire weekend without the kids. 

• I want to spread out the art supplies and do some art journaling.
• I want to paint the kitchen
• I want to paint MY room
• I want to paint the bathroom
• I want to decorate my room
• I want to go on a trip to Ontario
• I want to make bread
• I want to set up a bunch of OAMC recipes
• I want to clean out my car
• I want to reorganize my pantry
• I want to declutter and organize my basement and make it into a good play/family area
• I need to spend a weekend dragging things to be donated
• I need to spend a weekend looking for components to decorate with

Things I don’t see working WELL with the kids in tow.  I mean, they would LOVE to help paint the rooms, but it would be a giant disaster. They would like to go to Ontario again, but I want to get some stuff done out there that is not easy to do with tired kids in tow (and I want at least ONE night in my year to celebrate my freedom from their father… if I EVER FREAKING GET DIVORCED!!!).  Cleaning and reorganizing isn’t generally something they like to do, and tend to undo as fast as I can do it (by bringing dirt and junk in from outside).

Sometimes I just want a few hours in the MIDDLE of the day to myself. Yes, I get evenings after I put them to bed to do things, but I’m frazzled by then and I am not as productive.  And generally those hours are filled by cleaning up after supper dishes , sweeping the floors, rinsing out the bathroom sink, and washing clothes.

Lately I have been wanting time ALONE. I have been wanting to spend some quality time CREATING things FOR myself, by myself. I feel odd saying it. Sometimes I like having company, sometimes I miss my kids. Sometimes I need to be social and get out and be inspired.  But other times, especially lately, I kinda want to CREATE an not worry about entertaining someone else for a while. I find myself wanting to think my own thoughts without having to justify my own personal choices to anyone (no matter how much they care about me).

I want to create a personal space in my bedroom, with a small creating table and a small comfortable chair. I want a small creative space (a shelving unit to put my journals and craft supplies for easy access) to do my journaling and scrapbooking and art journaling and writing. I want a ladder bookshelf that leans against the wall where I can put books and beautiful objects. I want a DRESSER with a mirror so I can put on makeup when I want to. I want shelves on my walls to put pretties. I want to create an altar.

I need time to sit and contemplate my space and my needs without having to consider the needs of anyone that isn’t ME. That means letting go of the expectations of others. It means creating a zone that is only me. Creating a sanctuary. Creating a space that feeds MY spirit. And not having to share that with ANYONE. It means being able to take as much time as I want to get things right, without being rushed by anyone else. It means accepting that NO ONE ELSE MATTERS there…

I am feeling the desire to create, the urge to make my space my OWN, but not sure how to go about doing that.

I just know that it’s a pressure, a NEED…

I wanted to change my living arrangement, how am I doing?

 In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The first of these areas, the area I had already started working on (and which started me realizing that I wanted more than a new home) was that I wanted to move from where I was living and into a healthier environment for myself and my kids.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How am I making this change?

I have actually completed the moving phase of this goal.  I haven’t been able to get in touch with the former Landlords to return the keys to the suite (again, I never really knew WHERE they lived to mail things back, and they aren’t local enough for me to drop things off) so that is still up in the air, but I have moved everything to the new place and I have cleaned and done the necessary repairs on the old place.

What have I completed?

I have left the negative situation

I have completed my obligation to the former landlords

I have started the process of making the house my own

What still needs to be done?

• While the kids’ rooms have been painted, there wasn’t enough time in the schedule to paint my bedroom, the living room, or the kitchen the way I wanted to. While I realize that it will be much harder to accomplish painting these rooms now that the furniture is in it, I would still like to get ONE room painted this year.
• The kitchen needs a bit of work (ie, an island and hutch) to make it workable. I didn’t realize how little counter space there was in this place and so I need to remedy this, especially since a good 25% of the available space is taken up with my coffeemaker!
• I need to unpack the boxes in the basement and organize our craft/family/movie room. I also need to fix the light downstairs.
• Put up pictures. Seriously, I haven’t had my pictures of my kids, my family, my friends, or my needle works put up for over 4 years. I OWN this place, I can put up what I want!
• I want to make a “Céad Míle Faílte”
• I need to get a coat rack and more door mats, with 2 kids I am finding that the mat I have is not quite big enough, and right now there are coats and shoes and boots all over the place!
• Decorate the kids’ rooms – the GirlChild has a canopy of sorts I am attempting to put up, the BoyChild needs a few decorations as well (I’m hoping to come up with a few interesting “video game” theme things), the Ikea lamps need to be attached to the walls. Glow-in-the-Dark stencils need to be applied J

MY (updated) Affirmation!

 I WILL make my home mine. I WILL create a space that reflects OUR FAMILY. I WILL finally put up my pictures and needleworks. I WILL showcase my spirituality. I WILL alter my environment to create ease of use. I WILL bring in whimsy. I WILL NOT care what anyone else thinks of my decisions, as this is MY space. So I will.