Frozen Nowhere

Last night my relationship with R ended.

I knew it was coming, I had felt it and fought against it for months, hoping that something could miraculously change and I wouldn’t have to start again.

ALONE

It ended over IM. A sad state of affairs, but in a few key strokes it was over, by mutual agreement that things were NOT working, that too much was going on in our lives (for me– kids, divorce, ex, legal issues, child support fight, buying a house; for him—kids, cross border divorce, custody, child support fight, financial difficulties, depression) for us to see a future together.  He realized how bad it was, finally, only after I had given up on asking him to…

One thing I learned, long ago, is that all action starts with the idea… the thought-form that you transform through pure will and guts to produce something physical. Sometimes, though, I think that my professor (all those long long years ago) missed something essential.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Change is epiphany motivated, that spiritual call or push or yearning that gets you thinking about WHY things are the way they are. It has always been the brilliant flashes out of nowhere, the soul sparks, and the sudden realizations that have lead to determining what lead to the state of affairs in which you find your life. They are the tiny squiggles of pure happiness as you realize new…

2007 was a year of FREEDOM — freedom from abuse, freedom from my husband, freedom from a toxic work environment, and freedom from former expectations of who I was.

2008 was a year of HEALING — healing from the abuse, healing from financial turmoil, healing from fear, healing anxiety, and healing my soul.

2009 has been a year of GROWTH — growing more financially stable, moving towards goals, growing as a family of 3 instead of 4(as with x) or 5 (when we lived with my parents), growing more comfortable with who I am now, and moving upwards and onwards

This year has been about change and movement forward. It has been about getting back out there, getting back writing,…

I have a confession to make:

I’m not doing well lately.

I have been trying to hide it, trying to put a happy face on, trying to ignore all the things that feel like they are falling down around me while I try to shore up everything at once, trying to believe that I can do this on my own without even the merest sense of friendship or support coming my way.

It’s not working for me (shock, awe, gasps of horror).

I mean, trying to do it all on my own has likely not been working for me for YEARS (and I say this honestly, I was doing it all on my own BEFORE I even considered leaving my

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If you knew me in “real life” you might find it weird that I keep a blog… or not…
 
I have a strained relationship with words and writing. Its almost as my ability for hands-on creativity has a restraining order against me, I must stay at least 100 cm away from anything remotely creative and only admire from a distance.
 
Yet I have a blog, and I occasionally write here. I have also kept an online “diary” relatively successfully for about 10 years on Open Diary. Not as a daily practice, but at least a few posts a month… So there is proof that I *CAN* write…
 
Just not the way I want to… not the

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