OOOh… what a great question!!

I have to note that I haven’t been spending a lot of time doing things I enjoy lately. It seems that whenever I have a free moment I have been getting things done – cleaning, cooking, preparing, organizing, rearranging, working – and so when I first read this I was all  like “ooh, fold the laundry and sweep the floors”…

While I can fully recognize that I need a certain level of tidiness and housework to be done in order to have a sense of all around well being, I also need to recognize that I should not allow the guilt of what isn’t done to keep me from doing things that make me feel ALIVE.  These 2 needs constantly pull me in opposite directions, and I need to make peace and make space for each of them in my life.

How I wish to spend some time… the PRACTICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time every week going through my house for items of clutter, and releasing them into the “wild” – donating them to charity, selling them on Kijiji, throwing them away, or otherwise getting them out of my house and home space.
• I wish to spend some time every month going through recipes as well as my pantry and freezer, and making up “make ahead” meals for myself and my children so that we can stop relying on eating out so often.
• I wish to spend some time each week CLEANSING my space and making it into a reflection of ME.

How I wish to spend some time… the WHIMSICAL SIDE:

• I wish to spend some time with each of the colours of the rainbow… I want to get intimate with colours in all varieties – spreading them out in my art journal – and release the fear of being too bold or brash or other negative words.
• I wish to spend some time journaling every day, before my kids get up or after they go to bed.
• I wish to spend more time UNPLUGGED.
• I wish to spend some time submerged in an experience every month.

What do YOU wish to spend some time doing?

Once again it is Wednesday, and that means Wishcasting Wednesday. This week Jamie asks us to consider “Where do you wish to make a fresh start?”

When I first read it, I read it as “what would you like a fresh start for”… and part of me immediately jumped to “my adulthood”… dayum, a lot of the time I wish I had made the right decisions when I started off my adulthood (I’m assuming around 20) and if I had done that I wouldn’t feel “lost” the way I do right now.

But even I know that’s false…

(At least I HOPE HOPE HOPE that I am not the only person who feels lost…)

But where do I wish to make a fresh start: now that is something that directs ME to make a change.

I feel like this year has been all about changes – I have moved and tried to radically change a lot of things (mostly unsuccessfully) in my life – I have tried to change the way I spend, eat, entertain myself, interact with people, and view the world…  and yet I haven’t really been able to “get it”…

What I need is not a radical change by itself, but a fresh start! I need to say “okay, that was that, now lets start as if we’re starting from scratch”… I need to let go of the old systems and stories that are holding me back, and I need to MAKE A FRESH START.

Where do I need a fresh start?

1. Finances. I need to let go of the past mistakes and just move forward from HERE. I have found a few really useful resources and I am starting to evaluate and learn about money management.
2. Career. I need to look at my education not as a missed opportunity and a failure on my part (since I haven’t been successful in using my degrees) and start as if I am just starting out NOW with no baggage. What do I WANT to do, even if it is hard? And if I can find that I can determine the steps needed to get there.
3. Love.  Past patterns and past rituals need to go, and I need to start as if I was just starting out instead of as one who has been through and is afraid.

Where do you wish to make a fresh start?

I have a lot of trouble saying “no”, even when I know I need to.

It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, just to say “no” to things that I do not want… but this is something I am working on changing.

Why do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”?

Honestly, there are a variety of reasons that I do this:

• I want to belong. This is the strongest one, because I can feel it pulling me into things I don’t have the time, energy or finances to do. I have spent more of my life looking for people to interact with and a place to belong than any other goal in my life, and even though I haven’t made any headway in this area, I continue to say “yes” to activities where I might find people to talk to and belong with.
• I feel obligated. This is particularly strong where my children are concerned – because I am a divorced parent I feel that I have something more to prove to the other mothers, something that I lack from having chosen to divorce the father of my children.  This is particularly strong when I am receiving judgement from the school system or my children’s teachers.
• I feel guilty saying “no”. This is strongest when I am confronted with a situation where I am propositioned to be NEEDED for something. Usually, this is a volunteer position that I am needed for, taking time and energy away from other things that I need to do (either for myself or my family), but because of the awkwardness of saying “no” I agree to do things…

So yeah, I people please… for a variety of reasons, either wanting to belong and fit in or because I feel that I will be letting someone else down, I do things that I do not want or have time to do.

It happens over and over.

Now I’m starting to look at this part of my personality and actually start to say “no” to things I do NOT want to do. It’s been harder than I expected, let me explain…

 Saying “NO” to the Boy Scouts of Canada

Last year I decided to get BoyChild involved with the Cub Scouts. When I was signing him up I got the pitch that they needed more leaders or the program wouldn’t be able to be sustained (guilt)… and I thought that it would be a great way for me to be more involved with my children (obligation) and I had been a leader before with the Girl Guides of Canada (belonging) so I said I would “think about it”.

I didn’t really get much chance to think about it because right from the minute they sensed that I might do it they ramped up the sales pitch, and before I knew it not only was BoyChild signed up for Cubs but GirlChild was signed up for Beavers  and I was being groomed as a Beaver Leader.  Within one the costs started to rise:

• $150/kid to be signed up
• $30 for me to sign up and $35 for my police record check
• $75 for uniforms for the kids, $50 for a uniform for myself
• $10 for the Cub handbook
• $2 every meeting for dues (for 30 meetings =$60)
• Camp fees all year  ($20/person/camp for 4 camps = $240)
• $300 in  Camping GEAR
• $50 for fundraisers

By year end I had spent at least $1000 to be part of this group.

Every meeting I was cornered and asked when I was going to do more training, telling me I needed to “step up” and do more. By mid-December I was expected to attend committee meetings once a month, to do online training, to volunteer more, and plan more activities and events.

It wasn’t good for ME and it wasn’t good for my FAMILY. I was feeling pinched in my finances and every time I turned around the group wanted MORE from me. Making extra meetings meant sacrificing time with my children and sacrificing time getting their homework done and proper meals cooked. It meant giving up sleeping in on Saturday morning. It meant feeling rushed. It meant letting other people down.

It was hard to step back and say – “while I want to be part of this group (belonging need) and I believe that this is a good thing for my children (obligation) and I understand the need for qualified leaders (guilt) I just do not have the capacity to meet your requirements of me either financially or with my time” – and even harder to realize that it is TRUE and its OKAY.

I needed to say “no, I can’t do it” and not offer excuses or reasons. I didn’t OWE them a reason, my stating I would not be able to be there for them this year had to be enough.

What I learned:

It is OKAY to say “no”, without offering an explanation. In this case there was no way that the other leaders and committee members were able to understand my point of view.  It is sufficient for me to say “I cannot do this” without having to offer excuses or explanations or reasons or humiliating myself by explaining that I can’t afford something on my budget.

I have the right to say “I do not have the extra time for this” without an argument – after all, only *I* know what I have or do not have time to add to my life.

It’s OKAY to not belong. The requirements of membership in this group were too expensive – both in terms of money and time.

It’s okay to shift priorities. While I realized quite early on in my stint as a Beaver/Cub leader that it wasn’t really something I could sustain long term, I did my best to meet all the requirements of a leader for my term with them. I did not shirk my duties and I tried my best to meet their demands with the demands of a full time job, parenting, and personally rewarding activities. In the end, I realized that while I enjoyed Scouting, and my children enjoyed Scouting, it wasn’t high enough up on our priority list for this year.

Saying “no” is not burning bridges. This summer I had another situation which I had to say “no”… this was very difficult for me because, like the other situation, it was something that I really wanted to be part of. I had applied for a scholarship to an online workshop type thing, and had received a partial scholarship – which was still a bit beyond my budget. I didn’t want to disappoint the workshop leaders, whom were people I respected and wished to be friends with, but after a few weeks it became apparent that the material presented was just not right for who I was at this point in my life. Luckily they graciously accepted me stepping down from the course, understanding that right now was not a good time for me to accept the information they were giving me.

Sometimes it’s okay to have no reason to say “no”.  As I get to know myself I have started to realize that sometimes it pays to listen to that little voice inside me telling me not to do something (or, to do something no matter what it takes). I don’t have to understand WHY something feels right or feels wrong, I have to go with the feeling.

Don’t rush into decisions. Because my time and resources are finite, and because I have to juggle work and kids and leisure activities for all of us, I need to be more careful agreeing to things. Like the Scout Leading, quite often there are more time or money requirements that aren’t immediately apparent and thinking about these things, and determining how saying “yes” to this might affect other priorities, is essential.

Meet YOUR needs BEFORE you please other people. For me it’s always easier to avoid confrontations by agreeing to do what will make the other person happy, if possible. Often that means putting the needs of the other first and subsuming what I need to do to make myself happiest.  Its NICE to please other people, but the $1000 I spent on the Scouting experience could have been put towards the Dream Vacation (DisneyLand) and we’d be 25% closer to our dream.

It’s okay to think in terms of money, or time, or interest. So maybe not everything in your life HAS to be socially motivated. That’s OKAY! It’s okay to sacrifice for something that has a higher priority, even if it is more “me” time when people think you SHOULD be more social!

So, while I still FEEL guilty when I say no, these experiences have made me step back and start to focus on my priorities and what *I* want out of life – for my social experience, for my money, for my family – and not to keep being bullied into what other people want.

What do you (if there are any YOUS out there anymore) do when you want to say “no”? Have you ever had a time when you said “yes” to something that you knew you should have said “no” to? What steps do you take to avoid the “no” guilt?

I read. I read a LOT.

Lately 90% of my reading has been in the form of blogs on my Google Reader, and about 75% of the blogs I subscribe to on Google Reader would fall under the category of “Life Coaching” blogs. I read over 50 different blogs that talk about “passion” and “soloprenuership” and how to work for yourself.

I don’t “GET” the whole life coach thing, though…

I mean, OBVIOUSLY most of these people have made a business out of telling other people how to live their lives, and have encouraged their clients to make “the move”… usually to becoming the next iteration of life coaches.  Who then get clients and steer those new clients towards a career as a life coach? I don’t know… all I know is that most people who hire a life coach end up becoming a life coach (or talking about it) themselves… 

I might have that wrong, though.

So, since I have very little idea what it is to be a life coach, and I have not gotten to the point in my life that I’d be eligible to HIRE a life coach (dude, I’m not a professional anything and I’m not entirely sure if I have special skills) and I can’t afford to even approach one of these exalted ladies (they all seem to be women, or is that just the ones I’ve come across?).  I am unlikely to be able to do more than examine blog posts to determine what the appeal is and I’m not sure that I’m likely to BECOME one any time soon (is that another point against me?). And if that’s the goal, maybe I need to find a goal that is more in line with what I am.

I’m CURIOUS… what does a life coach DO? Does anyone have experience with this?

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I ask because what I get out of the blogs and conversations and posts is this:

I have a deep set NEED inside me, the NEED to find out where I BELONG.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong in my life… like I’ve taken a wrong turn somewhere in the forest (it’s always a forest) and I’m lost and wandering. I’ve been adopted by a community of beings, but I don’t fit, I’m not the same… but I don’t know where to turn to get to the place I DO belong.  So I putter along doing what I’m doing – crashing and banging and getting tangled on the branches and undergrowth – and hoping that somehow, some day I will see what it is I AM and what is it I am meant to do.

At least, I HOPE that there is a group of people out there that I belong to and belong with… because there is a yearning in me to be part of a community I know that this MUST be something I AM destined for. The idea of a “life coach”, for me, is that maybe there is a person out there, somewhere, who might be able to help me see the past the trees in my self-imposed forest, who might be able to see the ME that I can’t see, who might be able to guide me to others who are like me, or help me discover what I AM…  

I read these life coach blogs and sometimes I’m tempted to see what they might say (but really what are they going to say for a 36 year old administrator who can’t afford the $100US/hr rates on her $18CDN/hr salary) about my life and how to become the person I am meant to be. Sometimes I wonder if I am even MEANT to be more than I am, if there is a skill I have that I’m just not seeing a need for? I wonder if I am missing opportunities to become what I was always MEANT to be? What if they can see the potential in me I am missing?

Does anyone know??  Maybe someone can see something I’m not seeing here…

Yesterday…

… I worked to get my IM working, only to be told that the issue wasn’t with any of the friends on my contact lists.

… I reconnected my email accounts.

… I cried

… I realized that as much as it hurt, it was necessary to let it go.

… I left the lawyer another message.

…I decided to travel even if I had to go alone.

… I wanted to bitchslap someone.

… I wanted a change of scenery.

… I finished my book and realized Ididn’t have another.

… I realized that I didn’t have to forgive and forget, because that is not necessarily a moral “good” in my world.

…I delighted in the colour of my room.

Today…

…I yawned so hard I hurt my jaw.

… I spent 30 minutes arguing with the printer over whether or not there actually WAS a paper jam (there wasn’t, its evil).

…I decided to look into travel plans despite setbacks.

… I asked a friend forgiveness knowing that sometimes things can’t be repaired.

…I made alternate arrangements.

… I wondered at the douchery that is my ex-husband (again).

… I acted as secretary for the ex.

…I lost my patience with the lawyer (again) and am considering just settling the matter once and for all.

… I spent some time thinking about connections.

Tomorrow…

… I will decide if I want to move forward from here.

… I will broach the subject of travel.

…I will look into my heart and see if I want to forgive someone.

… I will realize that you can never go back, only forward.

…I will hope

…I will spend time being quiet

…I will no longer wait to hear your voice.

… I will make plans of my own with no conditions.