Frozen Nowhere

I read. I read a LOT.

Lately 90% of my reading has been in the form of blogs on my Google Reader, and about 75% of the blogs I subscribe to on Google Reader would fall under the category of “Life Coaching” blogs. I read over 50 different blogs that talk about “passion” and “soloprenuership” and how to work for yourself.

I don’t “GET” the whole life coach thing, though…

I mean, OBVIOUSLY most of these people have made a business out of telling other people how to live their lives, and have encouraged their clients to make “the move”… usually to becoming the next iteration of life coaches.  Who then get clients and steer those new clients towards…

Yesterday…

… I worked to get my IM working, only to be told that the issue wasn’t with any of the friends on my contact lists.

… I reconnected my email accounts.

… I cried

… I realized that as much as it hurt, it was necessary to let it go.

… I left the lawyer another message.

…I decided to travel even if I had to go alone.

… I wanted to bitchslap someone.

… I wanted a change of scenery.

… I finished my book and realized Ididn’t have another.

… I realized that I didn’t have to forgive and forget, because that is not necessarily a moral “good” in my world.

…I delighted in the colour of…

…intensely anxious due to a scheduled confrontation with someone

…upset about being “called out” in a situation where I have tried my best to be accommodating and adaptive and undemanding, but which I really should have been able to be a bit upset about the way things went.

…PAIN shooting from my knee to my shoulder

…a huge bruise darkening and spreading under the skin of my left hip.

…uncertainty about the future

…worry that plans I want to put into place will be shot down tomorrow

… Disappointment in the lack of direct communication

… sadness in being replaced so quickly, completely, and silently

…frustration with not being able to talk to you

…concern with not being able to…

I have been thinking a lot, lately, of my personal power and how little of it I OWN.

You see… I wasn’t raised to believe that girls had any real power. Girls were supposed to be delicate, fragile, powerless creatures. We were things protected by the fierceness of our fathers, our brothers, our boyfriends, our husbands… without all these wonderful POWERFUL males to encompass our soft fragility we would be nothing.

What a load of BULLSHIT.

Yet, for YEARS I didn’t question this notion of male power. It was taken for granted, in my upbringing, that I would follow the Path that my family wanted for me – I would dutifully get my high school education, go to university and…

Jamie Riddler asks us this week: What do you wish to NOURISH?

There are 3 things that I wish to nourish right now:

1. 1. Sovereignty – the quality of not caring what other people think of your YOUNESS. With my struggles of coming into my own, I want to nourish and nurture the blossoms of my sovereignty. I have had to make a few visceral decisions lately that are going to be hard for me to stand up for. They are right for me, in the way that leaving the abuse was right for me, and I need to own these decisions. I have a feeling that some people might not be necessarily happy with my decisions, but I

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