Randomly I participate in Jamie Ridler’s Wishcasting Wednesday meme. Sometimes I intend to do it, and forget. Sometimes I just don’t really have a concrete answer. Sometimes life just gets in the way…

So… this week’s question is:

What do you wish to have?

I notice, once I have written it down (or typed it out) that it isn’t “what do you wish you had?”… it’s not a regret, it’s not yearning, it’s looking forward to gaining something that isn’t there YET…

Profound

So what do I wish to HAVE?

1. Family.  I don’t feel particularly close to any of my family, and that’s something I don’t really know how to change.  Because I am not exactly the kind of woman my mother wanted in a daughter, I have not felt love and support growing up that fostered my innate desire to explore and take leaps of faith. While they aren’t necessarily bad, my family has not really been there for me through the worst of my divorce or after and I have ended up feeling completely abandoned.  I wish to have “family”, even not-biologically related people who stood in for family – a set of people that I felt I belonged with and who cared and supported me and whom I cared and supported, a set of people who I knew would not “I told you so” when I took risks that didn’t pan out.
2. Family (part 2). Ever since I left theEx I have felt a lack. I always wanted to be married and have children, and a part of me felt like leaving the marriage (even an abusive one) was giving up half of what I was and half of my dreams.  Since I only have joint custody, there are weeks I don’t get to see (or talk to) my children while they are with theEx, which stresses me more than the lack of life partner. It isn’t a “GOAL”, in that I don’t think that I would do anything JUST to remarry or cohabitate with someone else, but it’s something I do wish to have… someday. To have someone I love to be there at the end of the day, to raise children with someone as an equal and cared for part of a nuclear family… I wish to have a life partner and children.
3. Passion/Purpose.  I know that it’s out there… somewhere… but I have to find it. I know that there HAS to be something I am good at, good enough at something that I can make a career out of it, or good enough at something that it’s all I want to do. I’m just not sure what that is… yet. I want to have the peace of mind that comes with knowing why I am here…

What do YOU wish to have?

I’ve been silent lately.

Not sure how to proceed with things, what to say, what to keep to myself. I remind myself, a personal mantra, that I have a right to keep things to myself until I am ready to let them go into the world. I have the right to my silences. I have the right to sit in contemplation. I have the right to make space my own.

The month’s theme seems to be creating my own space.  I have been working towards the internal and external aspects of making my life my OWN. I have been examining my clutter – physical objects, emotional baggage, social expectations, mental patterns, spiritual concepts – and trying to let go of the things that are holding me back from a more authentic life. It has been about taking stock and making plans and examining dreams and revising what the worldspace I have created for myself.

My life is about making ME happy. For years and years and years I have been led to believe that it was selfish of me to live my life to make me happy. No, I was put on this earth to serve a PURPOSE. That PURPOSE was intimately related to this amorphous god-type being in the sky. The messages I got were that I was to grow up to complete school, get a husband, have kids, be a housewife, mother, keep a house, cook, clean… and likely work full time outside of the house on top of it all. I was to give up the “foolish” things that I loved that wouldn’t fit into the world I was being told to want — I was supposed to WANT a man who could “take care of me”, 2 kids, to spend all day being someone’s assistant and all night taking care of my family… I wasn’t supposed to work on MYSELF because the message that I got was that I wasn’t as important as the roles I was to play.

I WAS MISERABLE.

And I don’t want to be that way anymore.

Yes, the roles I play are important, but they aren’t more important than me being HAPPY. It is important to be a good parent, but can a miserably unhappy or tuned out parent be a truly GOOD parent? Yes, its great to be a good employee, but how productive am I when I am unhappy at work? What kind of friend am I if I am depressed or stressed or worried or if I simply do not know how I feel about things?

I am still unpacking the contents of my soul, looking at the things that make me happy.  It’s a personal process, not really one that is easily shared. I pull something out… examine it, try it on for size, adjust it, and move around looking at how it fits me – not only the ME I am now but the ME I am becoming the ME I want to become – and I don’t really WANT to be influenced by another’s perception of what is right for ME no matter how much they care about me.  It’s been slow going mostly because I haven’t had enough pieces of time to spend alone – sometimes I have the kids, sometimes I have social obligations, sometimes I have family obligations, sometimes friends want time, sometimes I don’t feel ready – and so I have been putting things off.

And so I am going through the focus on me, rather than focusing on what makes someone else (whether that someone else is theEx, the kids, a friend, a man, family, work… ) happy.

It’s hard to go against my internal grain, though and it has been a process of one step forward and 2 steps back.

In January I decided to make changes and live for myself.  I had made a huge, TERRIFYING, set of leaps to change my life. I paid off debt and got a mortgage for my own home.  At the same time I became single, which also helped me focus more on my finances (I no longer hosted extra people in my home every weekend, I no longer had to make long distance phone calls, I no longer had to have a fancy cable package, I no longer bought movies). I took the opportunity to try and change some of the situation that had made me miserable, I started deciding how to make my life the way I wanted, not the way someone else wanted for me.

I’m sticking to it. Even with things changing (aren’t they always?) I am standing firm on making my life and my home MINE… its an affirmation of what I want, and my promise to myself to discover what it is that I want for me.  

It’s NOT selfish to make your life YOURS… and to follow your dreams.

Last week I suffered a disappointment.

Not in something that I wanted. But in my identity as a mother…

My son has been lying to me (in particular) about his homework. Yes, he has been lying to his father as well, but the fact of the matter is that he has been telling me every day for MONTHS that he has had “no homework” when, in fact he has been steadily getting farther and farther behind in his work.

Now, because the teachers have decided to allow the children to take “ownership” of their workload, my son has been coasting along without any adult intervention in this. Not once has the teacher or school indicated, to myself (or presumably to theEx) that my son was failing to complete homework or seek any indication of problems. What they did do was make some pretty strong assumptions about the situation, instead:

1. They assumed that BoyChild was incapable of being able to do the work they are assigning to him. This was decided because they have decided that he has some pretty “severe” social issues (ie, they feel he’s at risk to be ostracized by peers and therefore more likely to fail, do drugs, and/or become suicidal)
2. All his issues are being chalked up to his social issues (which, as far as I can determine, are related to the fact that he talks too much to other kids, tries too hard to fit in, and isn’t entirely able to control his emotions and sometimes gets visibly upset and weepy/angry) which they are “working on” but have yet to give any idea of what can be done at home to reinforce these practices
3. That because we are getting divorced the issues are not present in our minds, as parents, so there is no reason to be bringing it to our attention. While that might very well be an issue with theEx (who is being nothing but a douchebag to me) I have done everything I can to put my children FIRST in this situation – I have set up counseling for both of them, I have tried to give them opportunities to make friends and do things that encourage them to feel proud of themselves, sought ways to help, bought them a computer, read with them, write with them, create with them, and I spend my time WITH them instead of leaving them with someone else almost every night to do my own thing —  But I am seen as the “bad” parent here????
4. The teachers have decided that either BoyChild doesn’t care, isn’t able to do it, or that we don’t care to help him do the work. And most especially, that I am either unwilling or incapable of being a good enough parent to help my child.

What pisses ME off is that when I go to these interviews I am not taken seriously by the teachers. The last few interviews I have gone to theEx has been in tow, and when he’s there my son’s teachers defer to him (ooh… big strong ENGINEER with PROFESSIONAL credentials, he can’t do ANYTHING wrong) when I am the parent making all the effort to stay in touch with the teachers – calling on my lunch breaks, dropping everything to take calls and drive into the city to pick them up, emailing when things seem wrong, making the time to go in for their events and activities, making the baked goods for sales, REGISTERING them for school, buying supplies, and making appointments for interviews – and he’s the one that everyone thinks is a “good parent”?

It hurts… a lot. I am a way better parent than theEx, and I have been the parent that has been there for the kids since CONCEPTION, whereas he’s only really been putting in the minimal effort for 2 years since I left! I have ALWAYS been the one to be there for them, despite what has been going on in my life.

So let’s compare the parents of these children:

Myself:

• Work full time
• Have vehicle of my own
• Pay all my bills on time and most of them in full
• Have a plan to get out of debt
• Have a  home of my own
• I actively participate in activities with my kids
• I volunteer in the community
• I have decided to  stop dating in order to focus more on myself and my children
• I actively engage my children in MY life
• Take responsibility for my finances

My Ex Husband:

• Works full time
• Has vehicle of his own
• Pays bills on time
• Complains of enormous amounts of debt (including credit cards and living in his chequing overdraft)
• Has no plan to get out of debt
• Is willing to do no more than drop the kids off and pick them up from activities
• Spends every Friday and Saturday nights out dating,
• Leaves kids with his mother 2 or 3 nights per week
• Refuses to allow kids to participate in sports/activities that require parental involvement
• Wants to withdraw the kids from activities that they enjoy because it interferes with his plans  (ie Scouts,  dance) even when they are showing real self confidence in these activities
• Does not take responsibility for debt/spending issues

I’m not saying that I am a perfect parent, but I am saying that I freaking TRY. I don’t throw money at the kids or buy them video games or movies to shut them up, preferring to learn what they like and how we can do things TOGETHER. I can’t afford all the fancy things that theEx is willing to go into debt for – in car entertainment systems, 25 video games, dozens of pairs of shoes – but I give what I can, my attention, my love, my dedication, my TIME.

Yes, I make mistakes. I care too much, I might push too hard, I might want to fix things too desperately. I do everything in my power to be there for my kids.

And I fail.

I fail a lot.

My son won’t talk to me. He keeps secrets from me, things that hurt him, because he sees me as someone who will make him do things he doesn’t want to do (homework, chores, play with his sister) or who can’t give him what he wants (to find a new babysitter, spend more time with them on their days off, more electronic toys)… and that’s a continuing issue because its obviously a failure on my part to parent correctly if my children can’t trust me to help them fix things that are going wrong in their lives.

As I see it I have three options:

1. I can continue doing things the way I have been doing, even though they haven’t been working all that well.
2. I can give up on my kids and walk away from the whole mess, as obviously this is going to be a continual fight with theEx, the schools, counselors, lawyers and judges, and other parents to prove that despite my lack of stupid iron pinky ring, fancy job title, and extra stupid letters after my name (I have 7 letters after my name, he has 8), that I am not only AS GOOD of a parent as theEx, but that for the most part I am the one that does the parenting. Obviously his mother is a good enough substitute for a mother, and if the kids don’t like being with me why fight anymore?
3. I can change the way I do things, and keep changing, until I find a way that works for me and my kids – AND NOT WORRY about what works for theEx, the teachers, the school or anyone else because in the end they don’t live our lives and what they want should NOT interfere with our lives as a family.

The choice is obvious (to me)… since I’m not the kind of person to continually do the same thing and hope for different results (I’m not INSANE), and I’ve fought this long and hard to keep my children in my life no matter WHAT other people say, I need to change the way I do things until we get results that work for US. 

I am working on changing and because of this my mantra (of sorts has become):

Change is slow, but it is happening. If I fail to live up to my desired changes today, I will do better tomorrow. Nothing is set in stone. I can do better tomorrow.

I am working on this process, it is a process of letting go – I am letting go of the external locus of control of my life that, up until very recently, was held by theEx. I am letting go of the idea that everyone else knows what is “right” for everyone and that includes the school system, teachers, and counselors – whether they will accept it or not, they are not experts on my family, my ways, or my children, and I will no longer defer to their wishes over the wishes of myself and my children. Even theEx is only able to exert limited control over the running of my home and life, and a lot of that is only when I ALLOW him to do so.

I am tired of letting other people tell me that I am not good enough. I am tired of people comparing me to my ex only on the things that he can buy and earnings, without knowing the whole story. I’m tired of being judged by teachers, school administration, counselors, and others based on their PERCEPTION of what they THINK they know about the situation of our divorce – and based only on what theEx feels is the “TRUTH” because I have not felt it is ANY of these people’s business what happened to cause me to leave my husband. I am tired of having to explain to people why I do NOT feel comfortable having theEx at every meeting. I am tired of having to defend my right to talk to people on my OWN merit, as the children’s MOTHER rather than as a co-freaking-parent. I shouldn’t have to have a permission slip to seek medical attention or to talk to the teacher or principal if I think there is an issue.

I will no longer allow people to make me feel like a terrible mother just because that is what theEx tells them – I feed, clothe, shelter, educate, entertain, soothe, love, and nurture my children well beyond minimal requirements. I will not longer allow outsiders to make me (or my children) feel inadequate because maybe we are DIFFERENT.

I am no longer seeking the opinions of anyone else on how I OR MY CHILDREN are doing as human beings. I am no longer willing to offer opinion on how any OTHER people are doing. I am accepting that we are ALL struggling with something, we are all in the process of becoming, we are all deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt,  we all deserve to be given second chances, WE ALL DESERVE TO BE BELIEVED IN no matter what has kept us from achieving our all in the past.

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fourth of these areas, the area I had just had a major epiphany about, was wanting to be more aware of the patterns in my life and to live more CONSCIOUSLY. I wanted to go from not OWNING my decisions to making mindful and meaningful decisions for myself and my family.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

The things that I was being motivated to change in my life?

• How I related and communicated with my children.
• My living environment
• Friendships, new and old
• My own interests and hobbies
• My diet and what I am feeding my children
• What I was brining into my home and spending my money on
• My spirituality
• Looking at my BOUNDARIES

I felt the pain of growth, of blooming, but it’s a loving and exquisite pain like giving birth. I am openning myself up to new things – I know there are more changes coming as I reach out beyond the insular world I have created to protect me. I no longer need to keep myself “safe” from the experiences of the world.

How I am making changes

Things I have changed!

• I left the country!!
• I met a bunch of really cool blogger type people (but unfortunately kinda fell down with ever talking to them again, I fell into the “I’m not on their level” trap)
• I bought a townhouse
• Moved to my own house
• I got over the disappointment in my relationship and saw the REAL issue there
• I threw myself into dance
• I participated in an 8 week support group
• Admitted to myself that I was not happy with theNoodle and that I wanted to be treated better

Things I am still working on:

• Not worrying what theEx will do about the support amendments
• I dealing with my divorce case and making sure my lawyer LISTENS
• Ignoring theEx’s attempts to continue his abusive behavior/control
• I admitting that my marriage was abusive
• Determining my boundaries for ME
• Changing my eating habits
• Changing my communication patterns with my kids
• Getting out and joining things I want to explore
• Working own my spirituality

Things I have yet to start (but will)

• Writing on Facing East Again
• Spiritual practice/meditation/reflection
• Creating Family Goal Plan and how we want to work towards it

There is so much MORE to come as the swirling vortex settles into a new pattern of my life… I am blooming. I am putting thought to the questions that “came” to me and moving forward with my eyes open.

I will continue to spend time WITH myself, reminding myself to take time to SEE and FEEL and KNOW what I want. I am going to start working on more meditative practices and spiritual workings… spending time APPRECIATING the world and my place in it. In

Why I need to change:

MY NEW affirmation!:

I WILL let myself BLOOM.  I will give myself time ALONE.

I am not a victim, I REFUSE to be a victim anymore. I will not sleep through my life or be a passive passenger. I have woken up from the fog with the true Arian fire and passion coursing through me again…. And I LIKE IT. I know I have power in my own life, to make my OWN happiness… and I will not give that to another person again.

I deserve to be the person I was meant to be.

I WILL be more conscious about the way I live. I WILL spend more time connecting with people. I WILL spend more time doing things that please me. I WILL spend more time with my children. I WILL share my passions with my children, and encourage them to share their passions with me. I WILL savor my quiet time. I WILL journal more. I WILL write more. I WILL dance more. I WILL find a way to do yoga in the mornings or evenings. I WILL create a PERSONAL and FAMILY Plan. I WILL look into bellydancing, Nia, Yoga, support groups, book clubs. I WILL start getting OUT and having FUN when I have the chance, not sitting around at home waiting for something — I WILL go out there and get it! I WILL swim and skate with my kids more. I WILL have a family games night. I WILL meditate. I WILL create. I WILL explore my inner worlds. I WILL say no to things that don’t help me meet MY goals. I WILL reconnect with my spirituality. I WILL create meal plans so that less time is wasted worrying. So I will.

 In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The second of these areas was that I wanted to start having a POSITIVE relationship with my finances instead of being afraid of them.

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How am I implementing changes?

So the first thing, I realized I needed, is a non-scary tracking system. My new system needs to include these things:

• low-math
•  more visual than number based (I work well from graphs)…
• be something that I can carry with me easily (or at least PART of it should be).
• The guidelines should be clear (ie, I get $X for entertainment, and $X for food)
•  not OVERLY restrictive.
• There should be feedback for meeting or exceeding targets… 

I am sad to report that I haven’t yet put this into play. I have considered a few options, but so far I haven’t come up with anything that is 1) low math, 2) visual, 3) portable, 4) clear, 4) not restrictive, and 5) gave feedback – although I am open for suggestions.

Secondly, I needed a clear idea of what my expenses will be. As I said before these are pretty up in the air, because the move will change some of the expenses I had for the last year and a half  — I am getting these under control slowly, as the new bills come in over time. I have new bills – mortgage, condo fees, internet, property tax—and some that I used to have that I no longer have (gas, long distance) so I need a few months to assess my new situation fully.

Thirdly, I needed to take a serious look at the expenses I can cut down on. I have cut down on cell charges by changing my cell package. I cut out all the unnecessary satellite programming, and I am likely going to cut back satellite altogether. I no longer have a heating bill, as that is part of my condo fees (as is water, since the condos are water heated).

Fourth, I am changing how I spend on necessities :

How’s my grocery bill going?

Well… the changes I was hoping for didn’t really pan out yet. The things I did manage to change so far:

• I no longer have to entertain the Noodle and his kids, so I have decreased my entertaining costs and junk/snack costs by 90%! That was a larger than expected decrease in my spending.

I am still working on:

• going through the cupboards and freezers and see what I already have and consume THAT before going out to spend more
• have a meal plan set BEFORE I head out
• buy some in bulk and
• plan bulk meals and freeze
• Make the most of weekends for prepping for the week ahead — especially when I have the kids
• Cupons/discounts

New ideas to implement:

• smaller portions to reduce waste
• more fruits/veggies as fillers for meals and between meal snacks

Cutting my entertainment budget?

Things that have been working:

• make coffee at home

• reduce the number of meals out we eat

• have kids help cook/bake

• spend time reading with the kids or helping them with learning
• buy movies already viewed – interestingly enough, now that I no longer have to entertain theNoodle, I haven’t bought ANY movies

Things that I haven’t started working on yet

• cap entertainment spending
•  discount theatres – because theEx usually takes the kids to EVERY SINGLE movie that comes out, we rarely have any movies we can see discount.

• subscribe to magazines rather than buy them off the shelves, this is a SERIOUS savings
• go out for coffee rather than meals (significantly cheaper)
• make use of free entertainment — walks, parks, skating — or bulk value entertainment packages such as for local civic centres

Reducing clothing costs for the kids?

• Purchase only what they need
• buy clothes off season
• buy used clothes —not as much as I had hoped
• don’t buy brand name
• do not let the kids dictate waht they want to wear

Controlling household expenses:

• Making cleaners at home
• Avoid gimmicky cleaning devices
• have a cleaning routine
• buy in bulk when possible
• reuseable things
• QUALITY furniture
• Using lists 

I have reduced the number of times I go shopping per month. I have been trying to reduce the number of times I go out just to look for things, and not viewing shopping as entertainment, because that increases the likihood I will purchase things I don’t need just to fill a need.

I am working on being more CONSCIOUS about spending. For larger purchases I am starting to plan out how much they are and how I can get them, and what it will do to my budget. I can budget for larger items I need (like eventually having a bed set with a bed with MATRESSES!!! For myself) and how I can fit that in to the life I want to have.

Focusing on what I do have rather than what I don’t have… because I notice how much more JOY I have in the simple things when I consciously become aware of them. I am starting to feel much more comfortable in my home, and I enjoy spending time doing the things that enrich ME and not necessarily bringing more stuff into my house.

How have people been helping me with my goal?

• reminding me that things are not hopeless, and that even if I slip its okay to keep trying
• giving me tips or tricks that you use to keep spending low
• recipes and work arounds for meals that can be bulk batched
• reminder me that someone out there CARES
• ideas for my low math/visual/portable system

MY NEW AFFIRMATION:

I WILL change how I spend. I WILL stop buying crap I don’t need, just to buy something. I WILL stop shopping when I am bored. I WILL stop buying things as an activity. I WILL become more conscious about what I need, versus what I want. I WILL stop using STUFF to reward myself and my kidsI WILL focus on quality, not quantity. I WILL ENJOY the things I do have, not be buried in things I don’t want. I WILL budget for things that I need instead of buying and regretting. So I will.