Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

WORD OF THE YEAR: CONNECTION

December29

2007 was a year of FREEDOM — freedom from abuse, freedom from my husband, freedom from a toxic work environment, and freedom from former expectations of who I was.

2008 was a year of HEALING — healing from the abuse, healing from financial turmoil, healing from fear, healing anxiety, and healing my soul.

2009 has been a year of GROWTH — growing more financially stable, moving towards goals, growing as a family of 3 instead of 4(as with x) or 5 (when we lived with my parents), growing more comfortable with who I am now, and moving upwards and onwards

This year has been about change and movement forward. It has been about getting back out there, getting back writing, and getting my head back in the game. During 2009 I took chances, took control and made things happen.

In particular, 2009 marks the year I:

  • worked out a separation agreement with theEx
  • broke ties with the Stalker without having to call the police
  • dealt with a vetrinary emergency with Arthur
  • took my children on their first airplane ride and our first family vacation
  • touched a beluga whale
  • dealt with my legal matters without too many tears
  • got a passport
  • left the country
  • made connections with people online that I haven’t met yet
  • met online friends in person
  • made the decision to start my personal spiritual journey
  • took the initiative to get help for my son from bullies and naysayer
  • joined the BoyScout movement with my kids as a leader
  • started taking Irish dance
  • decided to change my parenting style
  • finally took complete emotional and intellectual responsibility for my finances and created a financial plan
  • preformed a simple reel in public
  • was prequalified for a mortgage
  • was approved for a down payment program to enable me to own a home
  • paid off the remainder of my student loans

I have made changes, and I haven’t stopped making changes either. I have been evaluating my life, my interests, my relationships and the ways that I have been working in the world. I have taken the initiative to start delving into my past, working through the issues that destroyed my marriage, and dealing with the emotional violence that I experienced. I have signed up to join a group for women who have experienced abuse in relationships (if the schedule fits mine), I am committed to becoming a better and more positive mother and loving MYSELF.

The last month of 2009 has found me make profound changes for the coming year — I will be moving from the apartment I have lived in since 2008 and into a home of my very own which will be a MUCH healthier environment from where I am now. I have hope that I will no longer have to live in a situation where I feel trapped by the noise and disrespectful behaviour of people sharing the house (its a house with 2 suites) — away from the constant parties above my head, the dog poop and cigarette butts all over the shared areas, being awoken several times a night by people yelling in the stairwell or outside my bedroom window or by children startled awake by yelling drunk people or a barking dog, having requests to readjust the rental agreement I have with the landlord because they don’t feel it is fair, or having to clean up and take responsibility for upkeep that isn’t my job — and that it will be a much healthier environment for my children.

2010 will be a year of CONNECTIONS — connections between people, letting go of toxic relationships, fostering and improving old relationships, reconnecting with old friends, connecting with new friends, finding new activities to become part of the community, and most importantly, connection to my spirituality.

I know changes are coming. My living situation will change, my financial situation will change, and that will mean that the situation with Reg and his kids will necessarily have to change. Because my budget will be tighter for a short time (if things all go the way I expect), I will be looking to cut back on a lot of my spending… and, unfortunately, one of the largest expenses I have, after housing and child care, is groceries. Stocking a house for myself and my children is expensive enough, but adding 3 additional people, even for a few meals a week, really adds up after a while.

I need to rethink our eating habits. I want to maintain eating healthy, but I need to find a way to create a meal plan that works for US — with the Monday night rush to Beavers and Cubs, the foods the kids prefer to avoid and the things that they LIKE, and finding meals that I can eat when they are with their father. We need to make eating out a much less frequent event, rather than relying on McDonald’s when we’re rushed, or picking up a few things at the grocery store EVERY day, or getting Tim Hortons or Starbucks (unless I have gift cards) and making coffee at home. I will need to make suppers that we can take for bag lunches the next day.

I need to be more aware of spending. I need to stop thinking of shopping as an activity and only buy what I really need. I need to stop carrying my bank card in my wallet, because that makes it too easy to just get things I don’t need. No more buying movies, blank books, books, or magazines spur of the moment. I have a ton of books and projects to do, blank journals, and pretty much anything that I can think of. We can go to movies at the cheap theatre, rather than  first run. I need to consider cutting back my tv package to only the channel packages that we watch (kids stuff, tlc, A&E and Food, as well as networks)… meaning I am getting rid of the movie channels and things I rarely watch.

I need to focus on my financial goals — pay off my Visa balance ($500) get my lawyer to finalize the divorce and pay HIM off, then pay off the line of credit. Maintain debt freedom (other than the mortgage) and replace the RRSPs and savings over time.

I want to shift my life focus from money to FAMILY. I want to spend more quality time talking and doing things with my children. I want blocks of time where we are hanging out doing things WE like… not hosting other people, not rushing to do things, not shopping… but spending time building our lives together. I want to get them involved more in spirituality, I want them to explore what they feel is right and wrong, I want to spend more time being active with them and letting them learn about the world with ME. I want to shift the focus on healing us from the break in our core family. I want to become the mother I always wanted to be, loving, patient, nurturing, and kind… And part of that is to focus on being a mother and not on being a girlfriend or finding another place in the world.

I want to find connection with OTHERS.

I want to continue dance. I want to continue in Boy Scouts with the kids. I want to start doing Tae Kwon Do with my son as a bonding activity. I want to go to the abuse survivors group. I want to make more friends. I want to join in more activities with other people. I want to be part of the community again.

I want to reconnect with my spirituality.

I have started writing on Facing East Again, as a commitment to start thinking and exploring spirituality again. I have started the Sacred Journey, and will continue to think, write and act on spirituality. I am considering joining the ADF and the Unitarian Church. I am exploring Wicca again, Asatru, Druidism and general ecclectic Paganism. I am reading books about creativity and journalling as part of my divine journey…

I am going to commit to MYSELF.

I have signed up for 52 Weeks to Awesome with Pace and Kyeli. I have decided to declutter my life. I am reading through all sorts of books, touching sparks of my inner creativity, and learning who I am. I am nourishing my soul by spending time with my children, reaching MY goals, and doing things that spark MY interest. I am going to heal my inner wounds — get support for the abuse and divorce, become a better mother, and    be aware of how blessed I am.

No resolutions here… just knowledge of my goals for the year ahead…


posted under My Life | 2 Comments »

Walking the Pagan Path…

February13
For the first few months after I realized that there were other people who felt the “prescence” in the forests and trees, communed with the natural world, and seriously felt a spiritual connection to nature… I started reading. Voraciously (or more voraciously than I had previously).
 
But I read a lot, and I explored a lot, and I took a lot of time out to think and feel and experience what it was that I was needing from my spirituality and what I was getting from this new realization that there was a path out there where I could find what I needed FOR MYSELF without needing to beg others for information of the deeper mysteries, where my experiences were just as valid and powerful as they felt, and in which I would not be forced or expected to promote a certian idea or moral code or push anything onto ANYONE ELSE…
 
It was good…
 
I made my official break from the confines of Christianity with very little pomp and circumstance and no screaming, fighting or gnashing of teeth, and absolutely no drama whatsoever from ANYONE (least of all me). My parents, having no real religious dedication themselves, were not at all unhappy that I had walked away from the church. My friends were of the belief that either I was meant to be this way, or there was little use in badgering me about my choices, and were pretty happy to live and let live (on both sides of the fence).
 
And so I set off walking down my Path.
 
And I was happily reading and exploring and experiencing and engaging in conversation and community with other Pagans. I identified myself as an Ecclectic Solitary Wiccan — not a Pagan, not a Witch, but a Wiccan. And that was perfectly acceptable then… there were those who had issue with the term “Wiccan” then, but it was more because they saw the term as deeply entrenched in the “fluffy bunny” stage of spiritual growth and not because, as it tends to happen today, the term has been dedicated to a certain segment of the Pagan Witchcraft community.
 
 I was accepted as a Wiccan. I studied what I could, experienced what I could, and had dedicated myself to deep and further ongoing studies. I had determined after a year and a half that I wanted to honour my Gods on this path, and so like many a good and honest others who had no access to formal training, I stood before myself and my Gods and formally stated that I was a Witch.
 
Where I was naive
 
Because I had had such an easy transition to my new religious path, because I didn’t get the shame and fear and horrified reactions to it when I made the announcements initially, I believed that doing what was right and best for myself would not be barred.
 
I was wrong.
 
A few years after I had started out as a Wiccan I met the person who will soon be my ex-husband. I was very up front with him, letting him know right away that I was not Christian and I was not interested in being converted, but that if that was okay we could try it out. He was intrigued enough to start dating me, but not honest enough to let me know what his family situation was.
 
His father is a fundamentalist (pentecostal, “fall on the floor twitching, speaking in tongues, flame of the holy spirit”, holy roller) christian minister.
 
It was pretty evident, by the time we were engaged, that my spirituality was certainly NOT going to be “okay” with the in-laws, that living together was bad enough , but that theEx was sufficiently uncomfortable with anything “different” being viewed by his family that all spiritual belongings had to be hidden away. And it wasn’t just COMMON areas of the home that things had to be hidden from view, things had to be locked up tight in case anyone went into the closet or bedroom looking for something and accidentally came across something that they might potentially not completely agree with.
 
I conceeded.
 
For whatever reason I had, I went along with the requirement that, if I lived with him, I had to hide all aspects of my religious leanings, never question his father, never let anyone know that I was Pagan, and keep all my books and things safely stored away. He grew ever more uncomfortable with the things that I used to express my spirituality, the community of like minded people that I went to seasonal celebrations with, the jewlry I wore, the words I used, the books I wrote in, and even the crafts that I did…
 
It was an ever enclosing circle, but not in a good way.
 
I realized, maybe too late, maybe just in time, that he was mortified by the thing that he had actually admired (or so he said) of me, that I had had the ability to step beyond my parents to determine what I really felt, thought, and believed. But in the end, how strong was I, since I allowed my husband to take and lock that away from me…
 
When we had our son it was very evident that theEx was still stuck in the cycle of trying to gain his father’s respect, and that I was nothing more than a pawn in that game — my religion was an embarassment, because in the end theEx wanted a woman to marry and have kids with, he wanted to prove to his father that he was a grown up.  
 
My religion was an embarassing secret from the moment my children were born, and served as a way to keep me in line until I had decided that enough was enough.
 
When I decided I couldn’t take it anymore, I walked out.
 
Let’s be clear, though. My leaving theEx was not 100% about me feeling a lacking spiritually. What it was about was a lack of support, connection, and quality time spent together. It was about the pervasive feeling that theEx cared more about how he looked to his family, friends and coworkers, than he cared about his wife and children. It was about how he ignored me and refused to socialize with me at his side. It was about issues surrounding his weight gain, his spending habits, and his loss of interest in me as human being. It was about his ambivilance in pushing me back into the workforce and then being pissy because I wasn’t home taking care of everything or earning enough.
 
It was about a huge lack of love, trust and communication.
 
But getting back to Paganism wasn’t my first priority, nor really did it need to be.
 
What I needed, first and foremost, was to start to feel comfortable with first of all, who I was now, and secondly, where I was in my life. I needed to realize what I had gone through, cull out the lessons, set myself squarely back into a healthy frame of mind, and see what had shaken loose.
 
And I have done that now.
 
posted under Spirit | 3 Comments »

From “Attempted Christian” to Dedicatant Seeker

February13
Because I had been raised Christian it was very hard to view relgion as anything BUT Christianity. I didn’t have the exposure to other forms of spirituality or relgion, and everything that didn’t fit into the small box that was labelled “Christian Faith” was assumed to be evil, wrong, misguided, tempation, or demonic. 

Which made for a very hard decision on my part, especially as a 16 year old girl…
 
What is a child to do, when they have only ever been exposed to the idea that religion=christianity and no religion=satanism? Well… if they are like me, they start to do some RESEARCH into what religion IS and what different views of religion are out there.
 
I certainly have never been the kind of person to take things at “face value” after all… since I had learned that different christian denominations had different ideas and practices, I had some inkling that there might be other ideas out there that were not “christ-centered”. I had heard and learned a little about Judiaism, and knew that it was not Christianity… and so I started there…
 
From the Judaic-Christo-Islamic religions on…
 

My first step into the exploration of all things religious was to look where I had found interest before, GREEK MYTHOLOGY. I had been exposed to mythology of different cultures in school in the “see how pathetic and backward they were, trying to explain their lives without true religion and civilzation” mentality that was the general upbringing in my youth.
 
From there I realized that almost all cultures had myths, and these myths had been useful to those cultures (and in some cases still were) in explaining the world around us. And even more, I realized that the BIBLE was just another set of myths and legends, passed down as wisdom from the ages as to how to live our lives to please the dieties, and that their explaination was no better or worse than the explainations from other religions.
 
And, seeing THAT, I started to explore into how different cultures have viewed the divine, and how cultures, especially those that I feel a connection with (Irish, Scottish, English) have sought out spiritual answers from both Christianity and outside of it.
 
I learned about the mythology of the pre-Christian Irish, Scottish and English cultures. I learned about the Dieties and the Druids and the different ways in which they served their Gods. I learned about ley lines and sceances and tarot cards and oujia/spirit boards and the things that were most commonly assumed to be occult and new age expressions of spirituality. And I realized that there was more to spirituality than the set of religion.
 
Tarot studies
I have always been intrigued by the tarot cards, it was just until I was about 18 years old I didn’t not feel that I was allowed to own them myself. But really, the “gateway” for me into the previously unknown world of the Pagan was my introduction to tarot reading and tarot studies.
 
It was through a book that was NEAR the tarot section that really changed my view on occult practices and how they could be actually integrated into a spiritual path/religion.
 
It was in that book that I first learned the term “Wiccan” as a reference to a specific person’s spiritual path. It was that book that started me off discovering what it was to be Pagan, to actually LOOK at the things around me that I did connect to, to walk down a path less likely to be taken (at that time) and to really explore what it was that I believed and FELT when it came to spirituality and worship.
 
Walking the “Wiccan” Path…
 
Now, I was only 18 when I realized that there was more out there, that the connection I had to the woods and how disconnected I was to the “traditional” types of religion, and how many different ways there were to worship the Old Gods.
 
And I started to look further and deeper into Wicca. I was young, I was disconnected from traditional religion, I was not able to find other Wiccans to commune with, and certainly there were no public “covens” to join and so I learned, like many other young people unable to get into communities, from books.
 
posted under Spirit | 1 Comment »

Sing a song of Spirituality

January9
One thing that I have, in the recent past, been accused (or, rather, verbally assaulted) about is the fact that I haven’t been practicing my spirituality.
 
Or, rather, that I am not doing what OTHER people think that I need to do.
 
Which, although they may be correct in stating that I haven’t been picking up on a spiritual practice yet, makes me wonder…
 
What the hell does it matter to ANYONE else how I feed my soul?
 
And I have come to the natural and perfectly acceptable conclusion:   

MY SPIRITUALITY IS NONE OF ANYONE ELSE’S BUSINESS UNTIL OR UNLESS I MAKE IT THEIR BUSINESS.

 
Phew. Glad I got that off my chest.
 
I have always been one that has been relatively QUIET about my spirituality. Even before I started dating STBX I was a solitary Pagan. True that I had attended Pagan meetings and had some sense of community at that time (and partially into my marriage, prior to having children) that had been essential to me as a Pagan, but I didn’t REQUIRE a working group or even another person to really be spiritual. 
 
I don’t think my solitary path was completely in regards to the fact that STBX was intensely uncomfortable with my chosen Path (although that did have a lot to do with my feeling that it was something that had to be hidden from not only HIS family, but him and my children as well — which was an intensely DAMAGING experience, spiritually), but also because I didn’t feel an aching NEED to be intensely involved in a Circle or Coven group at that time. I could have easily been happy with my spiritual connection to the world.
 
Why worry about other people then?
 
This seems to definately be a downfall of mine, in my life, the fact that I put too much stock in what other people think I should or shouldn’t do… and its something that I am very consciously working on in this new year. But to answer the question, I felt very OFFENDED when the Stalker confronted me about my “failure to live up to my spiritual goals” (which is a paraphrase of what he was saying, since he was involved in lecturing me on what he thought I needed to hear, and I was trying to get to sleep) and it got me thinking. 
 
First of all I thought to myself, “how dare this person, someone who I no longer feel intimately close with, give me a lecture on one of the MOST initimate things in my life?” And that made me step back and reflect on what part my spirituality plays in my life, and how I have dealth with my spirituality in the past and present and how I present myself in the world as a spritual person. 
 
And I have realized that I have ALWAYS been one to whom my spirituality is of the utmostly private matter. This is “inner sanctum” type stuff for me, my spiritual feelings, my practice, my connection to the Greater Divinity(s) is, truth be told, something reserved for ME and MY DIETY/IES… and not something I feel terribly comfortable dragging out and placing right on my front lawn in 30 foot blazing LED lights stating “HEREIN LIES A WITCH”… 
 
Nope… not my style… 
 
Paganism… Pam style…
 
So what do I feel, spiritually speaking, since I have openned myself up for this discussion (even in the limited amount that I have done so here)?
 
Well… to me my spirituality is private, and it deserves quite respect and reflection. I wear a pentacle, given to me by one of my best friends in the world. It is a golden pentacle with a cresent moon in silver, with a moonstone in the center. I wear it every day on a long (26″) silver chain. I would bet you that 90% of the people who know me, including RGG whom I have been initimate with, have actually never seen this symbol of my spirituality, despite the fact that I rarely leave it off. My best friends, my children, and a few others of like mind would have seen it… and yet I do not consider the fact that it isn’t “out there” to be a statement on the hiddenness of my spirituality or even a symbol that I am somehow embarassed of my religion.
 
It is simply something INTIMATE, worn close to my heart and next to my skin, something ever present that reminds me of my connection to the Greater Divine in the world, and keeps me conscious of the way I interact with the world around me. It reminds me to be aware of the differences in people, in their essential freedoms to be whom they want to be, and to be aware of what I say and how I speak to people. It reminds me of the need to respect all life, and yet is a reminder that I have a right to defend my consciousness and being (including my psyche and spirit)… In this I act as my own altar to my own vision of Diety.
 
Is that wrong?
 
Well… no. That’s the glory of Paganism, for me. There is no set doctrine or dogma. I do not NEED to be a full out decked in gothic makeup, black clothes and big public pentacle jewlry in order to be Pagan… I can CHOOSE to do so, and some do, or I can choose to dress casually, not wear makeup, and not wear my pentacle on the outside of my clothes. Neither style is better, just like no religions is better than another (IMHO), its just different ways that we look at ourselves and interact with our worlds.
 
But it seems, given the amount of passion Stalker was putting into trying to break into this topic with me, that some people have more of a need to SEE spirituality exhibited than others do. And Stalker seems to have been ONE of those people. You see, he couldn’t understand that I didn’t necessarily WANT to have him involved in my spiritual practices or feelings, that I didn’t necessarily DESIRE having discussions on why and how and for what reason I did this or that or the next thing – I liked the ability to just FEEL and know that it was somehow RIGHT for me. I had resisted, either consciously or unconsciously, allowing him to get involved in my spiritual life and spiritual practices, and very rarely even discussed this part of my life with him. I was happy with that… I didn’t want him in my spiritual life at that time (who knows if I would have ever wanted to share that aspect of myself with him?), but he felt that it was a critical part of “us”…
 
Communication Breakdown…
 
Does my choosing to keep my spirituality more private necessarily mean that I am not living up to my spiritual “potential”? Does it necessarily negate my feelings, within my marriage, of being spiritually stiffled by the oppressive form of Christianity that would never have allowed me to express myself outside their narrow vision of “God”? Does it mean that I have no right to have been upset at having to be quiet about my spirituality for those years? Does it mean that I should shut up about not being allowed to have my Pagan books out or have to bite my tongue whenever xFIL ranted about how “evil” non-Christian spiritual practices were? Would it mean that I had no right to have felt that there would have been trouble should I have been open with my children about the various different spiritual paths out there, or if I had dared to tell my in-laws that I didn’t want to attend their church services and that I DEFINATELY did not want my children involved in their particular flavour of Christian faith???
 
NO… no to all the questions.
 
Again, the comments were born not out of genuine CONCERN about MY well being, but rather as more of a pointing out of things that hadn’t gone as per Stalker’s expectations of what it was he decided it meant for ME to reconnect to my spirituality. And, it seems, there was hurt because (and maybe rightly so) he felt that it was something that would have been necessary for us to build a foundation of a life together. And my reluctance to really share this with him (and the red flags that I felt surrounding sharing these things with him) was a clear indication to both of us that I had not shared his feelings about the “us” that he saw. And he admitted, in the dying gasp of the death throes of our “friendship”, that he had wanted to be part of my spirituality in order to not be separated from me in the afterlife…
 
That is just creepy on SO many levels for me…
 

Spirituality as an ongoing goal…
 
Now… as I have stated, my spirituality has always been of a rather private nature, even when I was free to have my books and cards and things out in my own home, as now, I have always opted to treat it as a part of me that is just accepted but not necessarily something I feel the need to share with EVERYONE.
 
But I have also noticed that my spirituality has been changing through the years as well. I no longer feel quite “right” calling myself a “Wiccan” because I feel that as a solitary practitioner of no set Tradition it is hard to justify my “training”. In point of fact, I do not have any formal “training” in the priesthood of the Wiccan Traditions, and have fallen more into the category of layperson. I feel that, having felt so spiritually unwelcome in my own home for so long, I am now in need of really and truely revisiting the deeper site of my spirituality.
 
Rather than starting off as if nothing had happened, as if I could just pick up my Book of Shadows from where, as a 21 year old girl, I had left off, I decided to start on a Seeker’s Path to discover what it is that I NOW, at age 34, feel CONNECTION with. And I am fully aware that to do this means setting down some of the old familar patterns of “practice” and openning myself up, fully, to looking at figuring out what works for ME. Not worrying about creating a Tradition of my own, not worrying (right now) about fitting into an already established Tradition, not worrying (right now) about joining a formalized Coven… but just truely SEEKING.
 
Part of this is my ongoing wish to create a piece of sacred space for myself within my home. It is ongoing, right now, because I am still very much in the process of unpacking the things that I have taken from my old life and sifting through those things to make space for what is truely NECESSARY for me. So, its slower going than, it seems, those who feel free to judge these types of things for others might necessarily be happy with. But its not forgotten. There are plans in the works… but there are many plans in the works and they are all intertwined physical-emotional-psychological-spiritual-theoretical and just because I might not have quite gotten through the cleaning out (physcial/psychological/emotional) phase in order to cleanse (spiritual) and create (physical) and dedicate (spiritual) my own sacred altar.
 
Pam’s Life Lessons:
  • my spirituality is MINE and I have every right to share or not share this aspect of myself as I see fit
  • I have no real NEED for my potential partners in life to be PAGAN, as long as they can accept that I am
  • I can be happy SEEKING my own Path as long as I have the freedom to connect to the Greater Divine on my own terms
  • I accept that things will happen when the time is best, and I will get up an altar when everything comes together to make it right.
  • I can be a spiritual person without having to necessarily have everyone around me share my spirituality
  • I can be a spiritual person and enjoy my connection to the Greater Divine in the small things in life and be quite happy
  • I have the inalienable right to choose who I share my spirituality with, how I share it, and how much I celebrate my spirit, and no one has the right to question ME on what I might NEED or WANT out of my PERSONAL and PRIVATE spiritual journey
posted under Spirit | 1 Comment »

Are you “called” to write?

August13

 

I saw this article on one of my favourite blogs, Moleskinerie,this morning and there was a line that struck a cord with me:

For her, I realized, writing is not an optional pastime. It is part of her core and she needs to do it or live an incomplete life and be an incomplete person.For her, I realized, writing is not an optional pastime. It is part of her core and she needs to do it or live an incomplete life and be an incomplete person.For her, I realized, writing is not an optional pastime. It is part of her core and she needs to do it or live an incomplete life and be an incomplete person.

This is an ariticle in the blog www.TheWritersBag.com, and I really identified a lot with the discussion of the NEED to write, or be “incomplete” in my life or person.

Read the rest of this entry »

posted under Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (7 year old son, 5 year old daughter). I am a Solitary Wiccan. I am walking a Pagan Path. I am separated and going through a divorce. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path. 

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, massive multi-user online role playing games (WOW, Second Life), kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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