Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Dealing

March4

Some days it just feels like I am not fully equip to live in normal society.  There are a LOT of days where I feel IMMENSE and IMMEASUREABLE (although, let’s admit it I still TRY to measure it, I measure everything) guilt over the decisions I made in the past few years – right OR wrong – and how horribly I have “broken” things.

Every SINGLE day I deal with a litany of complaints from ALL arenas about my children. Either theEx is complaining because of expenses associated with the children or having to deal with some issue with that the kids are having, or it’s GirlChild’s teacher complaining about how GirlChild BEHAVES. And a lot of the issues are placed squarely on ME.

Yes. My children have some issues.  But they are fucking CHILDREN, they are going through a fucking LOT of crap in their lives, and it is NOT 100% MY FAULT. And the sooner people realize that blaming things on their mother only makes things worse for EVERYONE the better off we will all be.

Because of the pressure of trying to make EVERYTHING the way EVERYONE else in the world wants it to be, I have started counseling. There is just SO much pressure to make the kids “perfect”…

You know what? I wonder what they mean by PERFECT.

My kids:

BoyChild is a sensitive sort that has been dealing with issues surrounding not feeling like he belongs anywhere. The first 4 years of school he attended 4 different elementary schools, so he’d make friends and then we’d move… and so more than ANYTHING he wants to be part of something, to fit IN with someone. He’s a child that wants to be loved and cared about and ACCEPTED. 

It’s been hard, for sure.

BoyChild has definitely been desperate to fit in. He wants to be accepted by everyone around him – adults and children alike – and the problem is that some of the people we find in our lives will just NEVER accept him. That’s a hard thing for a child. Hell, that’s a hard thing for a lot of ADULTS. And its VERY hard for me, as his mother, to watch him struggle to be liked and accepted and still fall short. There are just some situations and some people that you can’t gain acceptance from… hard truth.

GirlChild is an anxious child. She has a lot of trouble focusing and following direction, especially when she doesn’t feel secure with the adults in her environment. That’s partly what her counselor seems to think, and I can see it being close to the truth. She isn’t WILLFULLY ignoring the “rules”, she’s asking for attention without knowing what she needs. Unfortunately, breaking the rules gets her in trouble, and getting in trouble with the adults makes her feel LESS secure and MORE scattered and LESS sure of her abilities and MORE likely to break the rules because she needs to feel SECURE.

There isn’t much I can do.

Or is there?

My counselor put this belief to the test: 

Do I validate their feelings? Sure I support them, but I really LISTEN to how they are feeling and teach them that how they feel is ACCEPTABLE?

I don’t know that I do.

Yes, that’s a HUGE failing on my part. But I believe it is something that I can recover from.

In January I mentioned things that I wanted to change in my life, and one of them was changing my parenting style – not to something that fits what OTHER people want from my children,  but to the parenting style *I* always WANTED to follow (but was prevented by the situation in which I lived and survived up until this point).

So far, I have been making slow changes in this area… but obviously there is more I can be doing.

My children, by virtue of their lives, need more acceptance and care and less strict, harsh, discipline. They are still hurting from things. And trying to “make them LEARN” through recrimination, disapproval, and spanking doesn’t work. I know this.

I know that BOTH my kids flourish and behave better when they are praised for the good they do, rather than being told they are “bad” or being spanked. When they are praised they bloom, they want more, and they REACH for it. When they are told only how bad they are being, how much they do wrong they wilt, they give up and they quit caring about the rules and the consequences.

I know how they feel…

It’s the same feeling that I had in my marriage, where I felt nothing I did RIGHT ever mattered, so why should I try? I was gonna get in trouble, no matter what I did, nothing I did was going to be rewarded, I was stupid, ugly, useless, a bitch, cold, unlovable, dumb, unwanted…

I don’t want my kids getting THAT message.

I have been uncomfortable with the idea of spanking my children for a LONG time… and yet, for quite a while I bent to the wills of those around me, those people telling me that if I didn’t want my children to become “brats” (or other hideously nasty labels) I needed to spank them to get the message through to them.  I don’t believe this. I have never believed that spanking was necessary. And yet, I spanked, and (worse) I allowed other people to spank my children.

When I had my babies I wanted to be an attachment parent – I breast fed, on demand, until they self-weened; I co-slept with them (BoyChild until  he was  1, GirlChild until she was 6 months); I wore them; I was anti-ferber/cry-it-out; I made my own babyfood; I delayed bottle feeding (pumped milk) and introducing solids – but I was vetoed on some things (cloth diapering and homeschooling) that I wanted to do.  TheEx did not agree about the attachment parenting thing. He was more than willing to leave the kids with his parents for hours (or days),  he objected to the kids sleeping in bed with us because he felt he was disturbed more with the fussing and feeding routine when we were in bed with him, and he definitely did not want the “stink or expense” of cloth diapering. The idea of homeschooling was completely out of the question since I had to agree to work outside the home when I had GirlChild.

But I let the opinions of other people, even people who really had no real right to a solid opinion on my parenting or my children, influence me.

Everyone seems to have an opinion about raising kids, and they don’t hesitate to share that with you whether you want it or NOT.

No more.

I have decided that I am going to try to focus on my OWN parenting, and not listen to what I need to do to be a “good” parent or what the kids need to be like to be “good” kids.  I am listening to my heart.

Yes, my kids have issues. Yes, they don’t always listen, they don’t always pay attention, they don’t always OBEY… but they are small people who deserve to be encouraged, not discouraged.

I am committing myself to finding the way that is right for US to be a family, to be HAPPY.

I’m gonna try not to stress that people don’t like my kids. I’m gonna find people who DO like them, and surround myself with family-positive people who will encourage me to parent positively and accept my children for who they are NOW instead of withholding love until they meet some artificial ideal.

The ideas of my ex – punishment, control, obedience – are being left behind…

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Loneliness-Be-Gone

December4
Much of my life makes me lonely …
I live (primarily) alone with cats. I have my kids only 2 weeks out of a month, and because my schedule is divided like this it makes it harder to take classes or join groups that require concrete commitments. I want to go out and DO things, but when I have my kids I also want to spend my evenings with THEM, not send them to a babysitter, not after they have been at a babysitter most of the afternoon.
 
I am conflicted.
 
I want to go out and join in things, but I don’t want to give up TOO much of my children’s time… and I don’t want to drag them along to things that are not appropriate for them, either. Unlike my ex I do not have family I can call on to fill in if I want to or have to do things in the evenings. Sometimes that is frustrating to me. I have so little time with them right now — 30 mins in the mornings, 2 hours in the evenings and weekends — that it feels SUPER selfish to ask them to spend LESS time with me.
 
Like it or not, my marriage wounded something within me
 
I came out feeling like no matter how wonderful I was I couldnt’ make friends. I came out with the idea that I was invisible and that no matter what I did I would be lonely.
 
The VERY VERY worst part of this? The effect it has had on my KIDS.
 
My son now has this internalized — this image that no one will like him, that he will never have friends, that people HATE him — and that is my fault. He witnessed my struggles with other women over the years, the feelings that I had about not being able to feel connected and accepted, and he is now mirroring those sadnesses and fears and feelings of inadequacy in relation to others.
 
My daughter is insecure. She has friends, but she worries all the time that she’s not good enough. She needs attention all the time, reassurance and hand holding to get through the simplest of tasks. She looks at things and sees her differences and not the things that are shared between other people. She worries that she’ll get “fat”… she’s SIX.
 
It is TIME TO CHANGE the situation… to make the most of what we have and work forward 
 
The first step in making a change is to RECOGNIZE that things aren’t working the way they are now, and I’ve done that (in spades*)…
 
And now I need to look forward and brainstorm all the ways to make the situation SHIFT…
  • The kids and I have recently become involved with the Boy Scouts of Canada. GirlChild is a Beaver, BoyChild is a Cub, and I am a Beaver Leader (Nickname: Rainbow). Through the Boy Scouts of Canada we have started to make new friends and connections… we are getting involved in the neighborhood in which the kids go to school, even though we don’t live in that area.
  • I have started taking an Irish Dance class at the Queen Maeve School of Irish Dance, the same dance school that my daughter has been taking Irish Dance for 2 years. I am making friends with some of the women in my class (although the class enrollment has dwindled from 8 to 4 as of Dec 1). I might not be perfect at it, but I like it, and I am gonna keep going!
  •  I have a blog. While at first that wouldn’t seem to be anything that would reduce loneliness, I have to say that about half of my good friends do not live anywhere (even remotely) near me. Yes, that makes it very difficult to go out for coffee or to a movie together. Because for so many years I was a stay-at-home parent 100% of the time, when I wanted to talk to people without spending a lot on babysitters, I reached out online… I met a lot of perfectly wonderful people online, and I continue to do so. And while my blog(s) do not have a steady and solid readership yet, I still write in hopes of finding more connections and weaving a stronger web of friendships out “There”…
  • I’m looking into classes and courses to keep myself LEARNING. So far the roadblock that I have come across is my reluctance to give up precious time with my kids (and not having to pay babysitters all the time). I’m looking into Yoga and maybe another dance type thing?
  • I am trying to find support type groups in my city– ones that either have child care or are flexible in allowing people to attend when they can. So far it hasn’t been easy to find. I am hopeful, though, that in the new year I will be able to schedule into a group for women escaping abusive relationships. If nothing else I will be entering into counselling for myself as well as my son (who started last week) so we can heal the wounds of abuse, and so I can become a better mother.
  • Joining groups — single parent groups? Pagan groups? Unitarian Church? Book Club? ANYTHING that I can fit into my schudule AND I can afford
 
I am also committing myself (and my children) to having more creative and active time… 
  • With the help of my kids I hope to re-learn how to create without worrying what others think
  • to doing yoga in the living room and not worrying about if we’re doing it right
  • meditating
  • journaling on my journey out of abuse and into love
  • teaching my kids to skate
  • teaching my kids to BAKE
  • being part of the community — finding a FAMILY FRIENDLY organization that we can volunteer with
  • Allowing my kids to give back to others
  • Making messes without worrying about the “state of the house”, because eventually someone will clean it up
  • Writing down the stories of MY CHILDREN for them (oh the joys of being able to type fast) and myself
 
And most importantly:
 
To FORGIVE myself for having been the kind of mother that I had been to survive the abuse and the in-between time… knowing that I can be the kind of mother that can teach her children to THRIVE not just SURVIVE…
posted under My Life | 3 Comments »

Maintaining ME

February2
Maintanance
 
Do men prefer to date high maintanance women?
 
It really seems so sometimes. 
 
I have a confession to make here: I am a low maintanance woman. My friends might actually argue that I am beyond the scope of “low maintanance” in that I will do anything not to be noticably in need of ANYTHING from ANYONE (a point that has, on occasion done more damage than it helped in the relationship). 
 
I’m not entirely sure of the correct balance here. I am not a super girly girl:
  • I don’t like pinks and purples and pastels, preferring instead greens and blues
  • I don’t scream when I see a spider or a snake or a frog, in fact, I quite LIKE frogs
  • I don’t mind getting dirty, as long as it doesn’t involve touching raw meat
  • I don’t spend hours on my makeup and hair
  • I don’t spend a lot of MONEY on my hair, make up, or clothes
  • I don’t throw fits if things are not ”just so”
  • I don’t ask for a lot of expensive things, preferring simple to fancy
 
I am self-sufficient. I don’t require a lot of feeding and watering, literally sometimes, for me to keep on going.
 
But there is more to something than just endlessly plodding ahead too. Just because I can get along without a lot of attention and care doesn’t mean that I am SATISFIED with the bare minimums required to achieve existance…
 
I KNOW that I can meet my own survival needs. That is a simple statement of fact. I am able to pay for my shelter, food, heat, and water. I earn enough to ensure that I don’t need to rely on the government or another person for the basics I need to keep myself and my children fed, clothed and sheltered. I do not need another person to help.
 
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t need other people.
 
The problem is that I am not the kind of girl that does a lot of attention seeking behaviours. And I think that sometimes this does keep me from asking for help when I really need it.
 
I don’t do tears very often, and when I do I prefer NOT for it to become a big production. I don’t want to become the kind of person that uses tears or tantrums to get someone to pay attention to her…
 
I want to be the kind of person that people pay attention to because they really CARE.
 
My issue has been that men are not mind readers (neither are most women, for that matter) and so that there are times when I need something from someone else, and usually someone fairly important to me.
 
So how does one go about asking for attention in a way that is non-negative, and which will not result in the other thinking that you’re higher maintainance than you are?
 
For the most part, my needs are very simply this:
 
I need to know that someone is OUT THERE and that I really am not as alone as I feel. 
 
As I said, I know I can take care of my own material needs. I don’t want or need to impose on anyone for material things.
 
Heck, I’m not really a “material girl”… I like simple things.
 
What I really want in life is a life partner, someone to create a “family” with, to live with, love, and where we support each other. I want a busy life, with kids and animals and activities and stresses and things like that.  And so when I don’t have my kids I feel the lack of continuity in my life, the lack of “family” structure that I have sought out for so long…
 
And its nice to know that there is someone else out there, somewhere, anywhere…
 
I don’t need a live-in right now. I don’t need or WANT a marriage proposal or a stated SET-in-STONE, official type committed relationship. I am not ready for that yet, I don’t want to rush into ANYTHING yet…
 
I just want to know that I am NOT as alone as I feel.
 
Because feeling alone is HARD.
 
This weekend was pretty hard for me. I am still getting used to having the kids with TheEx for 2 weeks at a time, and by the end of the first week I am just…
 
Lonely.  REALLY REALLY LONELY.
 
I miss having them wake me up in the morning. I miss having them argue over things. I miss the sticky fingerprints and the globs of kid toothpaste all over the bathroom and tripping over toys and tryign to get them to eat things for me and having someone THERE to take care of.
 
I had RGG. I had his girls. And it filled up some of the empty spaces.
 
But it can’t really fill up the emptiness entirely. I am missing a part of my essence of my IDENTITY as a person. For almost 9 years I have been a mother, someone that takes care of other people as my primary function, who’s whole life is making things right and better for my progeny.
 
Its unfair that just because I was unhappy with TheEx I have to have my kids ripped out of my life half the time. To lose my sense of who and what I am 50% of the time just to soothe his conscience about not being a good husband and an absentee father while he was married to me.
 
But I know I have to endure this…
 
Alone.
 
With the help of a few friends… 
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

And now for something, well… not so different

December6

But at least I am not going to talk about men and what I want in a dating relationship.

No…

Not right now.

So… a few days ago (Tuesday) I had to go to meet with my son’s educational psychologist at his school. My son has had unidentified “issues” with school environments since kindergarten. I had hoped that he would have outgrown it, but as teacher after teacher signaled him out as having something “wrong” with him, I grew more and more concerned… and, of course, I blamed myself for the difficulties. Oh, there were many reasons that this was MY fault:

*I didn’t know I was pregnant with him until I was 3 months along. During that time, although I didn’t smoke (never do) or drink alcohol (I don’t do that often either and even LESS back then) or do drugs of any kind (never have) I did drink coffee and tea, and I didn’t eat very well or take very good care of myself. I worry that something happened in the first few months or weeks that I was pregnant. I was going to school full time, I was dealing with, what I thought at the time, was health issues ON MY OWN, I was dealing with intense feelings of abandonment because my HUSBAND had just told me that his week in/week out schedule was going to be permanent and that he had no interest in changing that. And I was stressed and I wasn’t eating or sleeping well… and I worry that this affected my baby before I knew he was there.

*I had a stressful pregnancy after I found out. My husband wasn’t really engaged in the whole thing, despite my trying to get him interested in what was going on. I felt very isolated from him, as he didn’t want to do any of the baby related stuff — didn’t want to pick out clothes or discuss names or come to my doctor’s appointments (especially after the ONE ultrasound he did come to me with where I was in so much pain I didn’t ask to determine the sex of the baby), didn’t want to take pictures, didn’t want to design the nursery — basically he checked out while I was pregnant and never came “back” to us. This disconnection made me less sure of my ability to mother this child.

*I was very depressed after BoyChild was born. Not enough to need medication, but I did feel completely and TOTALLY isolated now that I was housebound with a newborn, my mother lived 45 mins away and didn’t really WANT to help, my MIL would help, but I never felt comfortable with her, and my child knew I was unsure… he was fussy and unsettled and refused to thrive off my milk. I worried CONSTANTLY that he wasn’t gaining, that he was noisy and disturbing his father…

*I had to return to school when BoyChild was only 4 weeks old. I went full time to complete a degree. Why? Because my husband did not see a child as a reason to put off my education because we had bills and I needed to gain better earning potential, after all, I had failed to wait until I had been working and could get my 6 months of mat leave paid (and he had NO intention of taking ANY time to help us either, because he had racked up so many bills that we NEEDED his full income). I didn’t have as much time or energy to devote to playing with him as I should have.

In the end, I know I tried as best as I could. I loved him, I still LOVE him fiercely, and I tried my best to be a parent to him. I shielded him, as much as I could, from the disappointment that came from my in-laws and husband. But I couldn’t always do it. And there were times I was harder than necessary on him.

I know I should have left his father when he was younger. After BoyChild was born I hated being with STBX. I had been well and truely abandoned by my husband for his work when I needed him the most… adn I never forgave him for choosing his job over his family. And I was so distracted by sadness and anger and school work that I didn’t do as much and spend as much time with BoyChild as I should have.

But I know that it really isn’t all my fault. Sometimes even the parents who do everything “right” right from the minute they THINK of having a child have a child who is “special”.

And that is what BoyChild is… he is SPECIAL. And yet, he isn’t… not in the traditional sense of the term.

BoyChild is wickedly intelligent, but he can’t learn as easily as other kids his age. He has a slightly above average IQ (as much as I don’t really believe in that for young children) as tested by the ed psych, but he cannot focus to learn and he cannot easily RETAIN information. And for some reason BoyChild does not easily read body language, he can tell when I am happy or sad or angry, but he can’t generalize from me to another person (and it doesn’t help that his father has absolutely FLAT affect, so he likely never learned to read from that)…

BoyChild shows signs of dyslexia. He has an extremely difficult time holding a pencil to print. At grade 3 level he has so much trouble writing that his printing looks much liket that of his 5 year old sister who is just learning to write her name. He does not have the fine motor skills, and he was never taught correctly when he started writing (and we were discouraged from going over and over and over things with him to help him learn, which exacerbated the issue rather than helped it, as that, his teacher felt, would stress him out more) and so he makes the letters the way they look to him, rather than how they need to be made to make them flow together normally.

BoyChild has trouble reading, but not all the time. His eyes have trouble focusing on black print on white pages, but they feel that by printing on green pages he will do better (and has so far). He has a hard time writing on white.

Most difficult to understand is that BoyChild has a hard time with memory, and this is the part I don’t know where it comes from. BoyChild has short term memory issues, in that he cannot readily commit things to his short term memory. I really don’t know what could have caused this. He’s never had any head traumas that I am aware of, nothing other than falling or bumping into things that every other child has gone through, that could have caused damage. I didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs (illegal OR prescription) when I was pregnant or nursing him. He is a picky eater, so it could be that some of the things I cannot get him to eat were essential to brain development… but he has always taken supplements…

Whereas it usually takes an average person 10-15 repeats of something to commit it to their short term memory, Boychild requires 60-70 repeats… more than he, I, his father, or his previous teachers were able to achieve without frustrations boiling over. He gets easily frustrated, and when that happens he just pulls back and tunes out. Funny thing is that I wondered about these things when he was an infant, and everyone told me that I was making things up. And everyone shot me down when I tried to do the flash card things with him… and now here they are REQUESTING we do just that.

He has social issues, because he can’t read body language cues, and he doesn’t generalize between people. He cries when he gets frustrated, which bothers other kids, and so he feels alone. They have requested that he join some social activities outside of school so he can make friends that don’t share his school experience so he isn’t the “weird” kid that gets frustrated and cries. But he’s a caring, loving little boy…

It’s very hard to get past the maternal guilt. I know, in a lot of ways, that STBX blames ME for the issues that BoyChild has (because, HE certainly never had those problems, so it must either be all MY fault, or BoyChild isn’t really his (fucker)) — partially it has to be my genes, partially it has to be my parenting (because he’s freaking perfect), and partially it is blamed on my splitting the family up when HE didn’t want that. I feel that STBX has a LOT to do with this, whether he wants to admit it or not. Whether he wants to believe it or not, BoyChild is HIS son, and HIS genes are half of that child… and the issue that are there could very well be from his family tree too. HE never worked with the child, he never really played with either of the kids until the marriage completely failed, and has never mirrored emotions of ANY kind (living with him was like being alone with a rock that blamed everything on you).

And so I am left with this feeling that there is HOPE… but that I am still being blamed (even the ed psych pushed the idea of having STBX more involved in my life with the kids) for not working hard enough with BoyChild and STBX (who is glorying in his new role as “world’s most long suffering father” because I don’t want to work with his plans of taking on his debts).

I want to get BoyChild counselling to work out issues that he’s having with the dissolution of our marriage, because I see him blaming himself.

I need to get him into social activitites (Soccer, Beavers, Swimming) and I know I will have to pay 100% of it because STBX is whining about lack of money AGAIN (every month… and then he will take his “friend” out for suppers or buy her a fancy gift or take her on a vacation… but doesn’t connect the fact that he does that as a reason as to why he’s short on cash (oh, that and the NEVER PAYING off the overdraft… fucking retard))…

I need to get him educational software to learn to type things. I think that if he can learn to type he can finally use words like he desperately wants to. He needs more time on the computer and less time on the DS or GameCube.

I need to work with him doing rote memorization of his addition under 10… “1+1 is 2, 1+2 is 3…” and keep going over it all the time.

I need to post instructions for him in the house in places that he can refer back to easily (his door, the fridge)… so I bought GIANT post-it notes so I can easily do this.

As well, the Educational Psychologist (who used to be a mediator) also suggested trying a 2 week rotation for visitation, rather than a 1 week rotation. She felt, and I agree, that this would give the kids a LOT more stability because they would get a WHOLE weekend with each parent without having to ‘move’ house, which is disruptive to their little lives. I know STBX feels that this would be easier if he lived in the city, but I don’t think that we can wait for that. I have suggested to STBX that we test out this arrangement for a few months starting January 5 (when Christmas holidays are over) and see how it works for all of us. And he seems to have agreed.

I am going to learn to help BoyChild, because he is my special little boy… And I love him no matter what is “wrong” with him…

Because the Gods don’t make mistakes, they make opportunities

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Get up Get out Get over…

November26

Okay… so I think I have had enough sulking on the topic of past friendships… I know, I know… right now, being the season of “death” and “Limbo” this is a very timely issue to deal with. But, seriously, it still hurts and the more I take out the fresh hurt and jab around at it, the less it can heal.

I am okay, I really am. I knew it was coming, which is why I waited so long to try and get in touch with my friend. I knew when he never tried to contact me in a safe way (usually through my mother who hated STBX and everything about him and wanted me AWAY from him a long time ago, who, also was fond of the former friend because he was a good friend to me) before I reached out to him, I already knew that he was no longer considering me a friend. I just needed to hear it from his words.

As another friend points out, this isn’t necessarily final, people have a habit of reaching out at other points in our lives. And that is all fine and well… because I will come to that river when it is time to cross it (although I have a nasty habit of openning myself up to any old friend, for good or naught, because I love the idea of reconnecting to see how they and I have changed). But for now… We are no longer friends and I have promised myself that it ends now, that I will not be the one to try to contact him ever again. I will no longer hide (not that I’ve ever done a spectacular job of that), but I’ve already had my hand slapped and for now I don’t want to reach out.

But I have more than disconnections going on in my life right now. I have a variety of things that have to be considered and pondered and dealt with this week, even though it is mid-week and I don’t have much time left… :

1. My mother’s birthday is at the end of the week (saturday), unfortunately, I was supposed to have an eye appointment to get myself tested to see if I am a good candidate for laser eye surgery that day… AND now GirlChild is scheduled to dance with her Irish Dance group at the Festival of Trees. So its unlikely that I will get out to my mother’s this weekend with the kids, and so I have to mail stuff out tonight so that she gets it on her birthday.

2. Have to contact STBX, as I have noticed that there is a note in the shared calendar stating that his company’s children’s Christmas party is on the 30th (Sunday) and does he intend to pick them up for that, at what time, and is his plan to just pick them up EARLY that day or is he considering bringing them back for the hour of GirlChild’s dance class and THEN picking them up? Who knows.

3. I have been putting off buying my parents a computer. I know that it is what I have agreed (and it was my idea)… but I keep forgetting to do it. I should do that on my coffee break (laugh) or lunch hour (hysterical laughing inserted here). I have a company plan with Dell, and so that is what I will get them, even though I prefer Macintosh myself.

4. Laundry. Cleaning. Fixing. Repairs. I feel like the mess is getting out of control. I hate the fact that every time STBX brings the kids back there is another BAG of stuff with them — because he doesn’t have clothes for her at his house, GirlChild is required to drag her entire wardrobe back and forth. And then there is the weekend class stuff — BoyChild’s tae kwon do gi, GirlChild’s Irish Dance outfit and shoes — and the toys (another bag) and GirlChild’s pants (which need a bag all their own)… its getting a bit much. I need to go through their clothes and get rid of things that are no good. I have to sweep and wash the floors. I have to do laundry (which requires detergent, so i need to get that).

5. I need to go through things and get reorganized… I hate that I have no ability to organize in my room right now, I hate having clothes all over my floor, I need to find a dresser.

I know there are likely more things I should be doing, but I just don’t have the mental energy to deal with things right this minute. Why is it that most of the time when I feel the need, energy and words to write, I’m at work? This is probably the #1 reason that I have never been able to do NaNo…

Anyway…

Last night was a bit of a downer night. I can’t help feeling like a complete failure when my son’s school counselor/social worker decides to call me AT HOME, IN THE EVENING. Seriously? She called to ask if I needed “help and support” because my son has been acting out due to the divorce. I had told his teacher that I recognized that BoyChild could possibly have issues related to the separation and potential divorce of myself and his father. BUT I object to the SCHOOL and people I have NEVER met deciding that it is 100% ME that needs help.

I understand, most of the time it is the mother who retains primary custody of the children, and usually it is the father who runs off on the mother, leaving her in a bad situation. But, that is not necessarily the case in this situation. And while I do not have the network of support that STBX has, I am doing great without him — why didn’t anyone offer support to me and the kids when we DID need it? When we were living with a self-centered man who’s sole focus was working and earning money for more toys and food and THINGS to increase his status, instead of being the support base for his WIFE AND KIDS??? Where were people THEN, when I could have used someone to help me shovel the walks with a toddler clinging to my leg and a baby in a sling on my hip? Where was the concern when I was exhausted and emotionally drained from being constantly treated like an unfaithful, lying bitch all the time, afraid to go out with a friend, talk on the phone, or buy anything lest I be accused of cheating on my fucking marraige?

No… they decide that, as the mother, I am the one having issues. What they don’t see is that I am better off without him. I did the single parenting while I was married, he was very rarely there and very lightly involved until I threatened to leave him. I am USED to being alone with the kids, I am used to getting groceries, making meals, doing the housework, and dealing with the issues that come up… and I’m used to doing it with little or no support — BECAUSE MY HUSBAND NEVER HELPED ME OR SUPPORTED ME when I was with him.

And what is more, why ME? I am a good mother!! So, I don’t have all the answers! So I had to leave my husband! But I have worked my ass off to make sure that I have a good secure home for my children. I have made sure that they are well fed, clothed, sheltered. I have made sure they get their homework done. I make sure that they are bathed and their clothes are cleaned. I read to them every night. I take them to the doctor and the dentist. I buy them toys. I educate them. I make sure they are taken care of when I have to work. I make sure they know they are loved at all times… I make sure that I put them first in my life, that they are happy, secure and feel good about their lives.

Yes, my son is struggling, and NO, I don’t know why. But I am working with the teachers. I am working with him. I am working with my doctor, and I will find a strategy that will work, because I know he is not a stupid child and he has a lot of potential.

So, yeah, I resent the school feeling that I am not doing “well” as a parent without support. While I appreciate the thought, it does rankle becuase it is yet another nick that can be used to build a case against me if they ever want to remove the kids from my life. I can see how this kind of “support” builds a case for the more well off parent, and I am having none of it.

And the worst part of it? I went from feeling pretty good about myself to feeling like the absolute WORST failure in less than 10 minutes! One call from the school questioning my ability to parent can undo so much work to BE a good parent…

I’m feeling much better about myself now. I’m doing the best I can… my children KNOW that I love them and put them first and that they are important in my life. I prepare good meals and clean and take care of them… and if that isn’t enough then they can ASK the kids, because they have both stated they’d rather live with me full time and see their father on the weekends (sometimes, because they ENJOY being with ME on weekends too) than live with him full time.

And if they think I will not fight to keep my children in my life, they are MISTAKEN…

 

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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (7 year old son, 5 year old daughter). I am a Solitary Wiccan. I am walking a Pagan Path. I am separated and going through a divorce. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path. 

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, massive multi-user online role playing games (WOW, Second Life), kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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