Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Lost

August31

The last 3 years I have been wandering, lost, in an unknown place. I shook off the chains of my marriage, I left an abusive situation, and I gained my freedom. But in a lot of ways I wasn’t READY for the freedom I gained, and the sudden freedom really messed with my mind.

Where I was….

TheEx monitored me 24 hours a day. I was used to being watched and scrutinized and was fearful of talking to coworkers, fearful of phone calls and emails, and fearful of making plans. For years I knew that my husband would call me at work, randomly, and hope to catch me away from my desk, which he assumed meant that I was engaging in adulterous activities – so I did my very best to be at my desk at work 90% of the time (this was one of a number of undisclosed reasons that I was “let go” from that job without disciplinary action). I knew that every phone call I received at home was checked (or listened in on), that he checked my online diary, personal diary, daytimer, email accounts, snail mail, and cell phone records. My in-laws babysat and for years and reported on all my comings and goings (my FIL was just the same with my MIL). I lived in a cage where anything I did or said or anyone I talked to would result in insults and anger and more monitoring…

You’d think that being free after being so constrained would be a joyful thing. But I was not used to having freedom.

Living In FEAR…

For an entire year after I walked out I was on constant alert for danger.

After I left the ex, I didn’t leave my parents house for 6 weeks. I didn’t phone anyone. I didn’t go to any events. I lived with my parents, so my life was work and home, home and work. I was afraid to leave my parents’ house in case they were mad at me for not being there with them. After a while I would hide out in the city on the weekends after I dropped the kids off for his visitation – but I was afraid to go out with anyone or do anything where I could be seen.

I was so afraid of the freedom I had gained, I handed my life over to the next bad idea – the Stalker – even though I knew that I was not ready for another relationship. At first I was happy, I belonged to someone and I had boundaries given to me. There were expectations at first, then suggestions, then pleadings, and then commands. He would spiral through the cycle of abuse in one email, only to back track and blame his language on me and how much I meant to him in the next. When I pulled away, he desperately clutched, using all means including my spiritual beliefs to prove to me that he was the man I was destined for.

It took a great deal of strength, but I gained freedom from Stalker too…

Comfort in being ALONE…

By this time I was comfortable with being alone in my home. I was still afraid to leave my home after work or on weekends, and I didn’t regularly answer my phone or check my email… slowly slowly I could feel myself uncurl from the compressed constraints that I had lived within. Slowly I started to look up, to dream, to seek more, to explore.

I continued to be lost. I looked to friends to tell me what to do. I looked to Reg to tell me. I looked to coworkers. I looked to advice bloggers and relationship experts and my therapist and my children… I wanted to do it RIGHT this time, but I didn’t know what RIGHT was!!

I went from having my life mapped out for me (get a degree, get a husband, have children, get a job, buy a house, work 30 years, retire…) to having no map. I went from knowing what was expected of me to having no expectations for my future.

With an awed suddenness I went from having a life which was narrowly defined and constrained, to having every possibility opened to me…

And with it a terrible paralysis has developed.

Where I find myself NOW…

I have been spinning in circles looking at everything at once, wanting it ALL and knowing that inevitably it is impossible to do so. I am struck with the feeling of being both 36 and also 18 – I have responsibilities placed on me by society and yet I also have so many possible plans and desires that I don’t know what I “want to do when I grow up”…

Such was my previous life that I am not sure what my talents are, what my passions are, what I want out of life. I feel lost in a fog of “who am I” that occasionally lifts but doesn’t completely clear up. The path I am walking is unseen, unclear, and unsure… Several times I have lost my footing, turned or lost confidence in the steps ahead…

But this too is a natural part of life.

My formerly secure identity – X’s wife, BoyChild and GirlChild’s mother, employee of Y – have all been shaken or destroyed. I am standing in front of the mirror of my own consciousness, trying to see the future I no longer have, and trying to divine a path I have not yet committed to.

My grief is tangible to me, but invisible to most. I do not know who I am meant to be. I do not know HOW to find the answers. I do not know where to turn… other than inside myself.

Now is the time to trust in my heart and start to listen to my own intuition instead of deciding on the basis of what others judge to be the best path for me to take.  Now is the time for me to explore my self, my desires, and learn from my past mistakes. Now is the time to define, for myself, what is “success”, what is worthy of sacrifice and what burdens are best laid down…

I trust that I am the only one who can find my Path and my SELF. And right now that means exploring and discovering what fits ME and not listening to what fits someone else…

posted under My Life, changes | No Comments »

Another Time Away…

August13

Another Time Away…



Every time I attempt to get into a routine it seems that my life gets in the way.

I am thinking that most of it is the summer and the uncertainty and lack of routine that goes on for everyone in the summer time… 

That being said… this past weekend I took the opportunity to get away with Reg for a child free period of time. 

It has been THREE months since we had a date night, and that night I invited my friend C to hang out with us since I thought she was going to move away in the summer. 

I have to confess… I was starting to doubt my relationship with Reg these past few weeks, and this weekend away was starting to feel like this was a last chance to see if there was any point in continuing to see him.



It’s not that I don’t love him. I do. It’s not that I don’t think he loves me. Because I feel how much he loves me when we are together. The problem, for me, is that with the kids around and us both stressed and living apart (not just in distance, but the fact that we don’t really talk, type or email/text between visits) and that there isn’t time or energy to just be together as a couple. But the lack of communication between us has bothered me for a long time (since February when we stopped spending time chatting on MSN at night) and it has gotten SO much worse since he has been on vacation (being an educational assistant he  works during the school year, so as of the end of June he’s been on vacation). When he was working he used to text me every morning to say he loved me… and he hasn’t texted me in the morning SINCE the end of June. 



I really really MISS getting little text messages. It really made me feel special, it made me feel like he was really THINKING of me, like he was missing me. 



And the silence since then has really been HARD on me. Added to the fact that he doesn’t chat with me online anymore (I loved that, I’m totally an “You’ve got Mail” sorta girl, in that I LOVE getting email and chat online with my boy) and he rarely phones me. He’s gotten SO much better, he usually calls once a week… but with my phone STILL not always receiving calls when I am at home, I do end up missing calls more often than not (but the phone company is not really all that interested in solving my issue either, so I am working on work arounds to getting a landline (which would double my bill, and which I would rarely use))



We’ve both been going through a lot with our ex’s this summer… he’s been forced to start the custody process, I’m still fighting to get my divorce process STARTED (and find out WHERE my lawyer went, AGAIN) and he’s reacted by really closing off on me. I have been really trying to respect the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on, or the fact that its going slow… and I don’t push, just hope that he’ll eventually feel comfortable enough to talk to me about what’s going on. 



So, with having no time alone and not feeling like I have a special place in his life lately, I had really started to wonder if I was wasting BOTH our time staying with him. If he was not interested in being with me (and I’m not talking about wanting to push and have a life with him — I know that there is no way that we will be able to live together for the foreseeable future — just not interested in being open and connected to me as a person) maybe we would both be better moving on. I know he’s not the kind to really show anything, and if I said that I was thinking that we weren’t working out he’d likely just walk away without so much as a fight or any show of emotion… somehow that hurts a bit… but I KNOW that I mean something to him. 



This weekend was really good… we’ve been so closed off from each other for the last 2 or 3 months and although he never really talked about his stuff, I really felt a lot closer to him. He cares about me, I see it in the little things he does for me, and the things he does to help me out, the things he lets me do on my own (even when he would do it better), the time he spends with me, the way he kisses me… the little kisses on the forehead or head, the way he runs his hand across my arm to let me know he’s there… all the things that have been hard to do with the stress and the kids and the running around trying to make sure everyone is happy…



It was great… We went had time to talk about our lives and laugh and have FUN without having the stress of chasing kids, stopping fights, dishes, meal planning, tears and tantrums, or having to rush to do something else. We went out for meals together, we went to shows together, we spent time cuddling together, we shopped together, and we had adult time to just relax and be. And while I had a little bit of anxiety, at first, with the idea of getting away together after feeling so shut out from his life lately, I think that mostly I am starting to see things more clearly:

 

He loves me, he really really does, and he shows me that in a lot of really meaningful little ways all the time. He has tried to keep in touch with me, given our circumstances and my lack of reception, and the effort he has made always makes me feel cared about. He’s just a bit more of a private person, and so if I want to know what is going on with him I have to ask him and make him realize that I care about HIS life too.

 

This summer Reg has gone out of his way to help me many times — he has spent time visiting me and the kids with his kids, he has stayed in my apartment (with his girls) to look after my place and my cats while I took my kids to Toronto,  he has always been there for me to call when I needed him, he came with me to Edmonton this weekend not only to get away and reconnect, but also to help me move stuff from Ikea, and I have no doubt at all that he will be right there willing to help me assemble my shelves from Ikea.

 

And things are good for what they are… I guess for now I will stop dreaming about a real future and just be happy with a real NOW with someone who is good for me and loves me…

 

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My take on the Bachelor Finale

March5
Okay, okay… I have a confession here.
 
I know I don’t watch a lot of TV (this is true) and that I don’t follow many things (I have a handful of shows that I would LOVE to watch more but just due to my schedule I either don’t catch them or don’t have the channel that they come in on my tv right now)… and usually “The Bachelor” wouldn’t have rated…
 
Except, I managed to catch a handful of shows this “season” and I really kinda had hopes that this man was sincere.
 
So, here’s my “take” on this
 
I don’t get how ANYONE can think that its “right” or completely possible for someone to fall in love with another person in that kind of environment. Its just HARD.
First off this man had a harem of beautiful (and slightly DESPERATE) women paraded in front of him as choices for “mate”. Now, I am not a man (which is obvious) but I can’t see that having that many people vying for your attention could be easy. There are so many CHOICES, so many people who could be compatible in different ways, that how can the person (Bachelor or Bachelorette) make a real decision about how they feel about any ONE or TWO people?
 
I know how that feels.
 
During my (brief) stint on the online dating circuit I found the interest that my profile gathered to be both intoxicating and overwhelming. Here I was, a rather ordinary 30-something woman, mother of 2, separated and divorcing, with a rather ordinary set of interests and hobbies… and I chatted and exchanged emails with over 40 men in the month/month and a half that I had my profile up there.
 
FOURTY different men!
 
Of those 40 men, I set up dates with about 15 men.
 
Of those 15, I met 14 in person.
 
Of that 14, 2 I saw more than once (FireFighter and RGG).
 
Of those 2 I eventually chose RGG.
It was hard, because every time I went out with someone I was aware that I had other dates set up for following nights, and I always knew that if *I* was dating other people *THEY* were dating other people and that everything had to stay light… because no one really knew what it was that they wanted.
 
I just found it hard, because I could not relax and just enjoy the date without thinking about the fact that I had another date that COULD be better the following night.
 
So I can kinda see how having a harem of beautiful, successful, DESPERATE TO MARRY, women could be overwhelming for the poor boy (laugh). Add to that the fact that there is truely NO PRIVACY, that all these people are vying not only for the attention and love of this man/prize, but also for fame and glory on tv, and you can quickly see how a situation like THAT can get out of control.
 
I, for one, was NOT surprised that this season’s “Victim”, Jason, changed his mind. I can’t honestly SEE how anyone can, under the set of circumstances presented on this show, ask someone to share their life forever (or even for “until we divorce, bitterly and publicly”)… there is not enough TIME to make that decision, there is not enough PRIVACY to really discover if there is a real connection, and you HAVE to realize that the women are always painfully aware that not only are they being watched by this man, but millions of tv viewers as well, and they are not going to be 100% truely, honestly THEMSELVES until that camera is off and they can relax a bit…
 
I know everyone wants to rush out and blame the man (and as a woman, most people assume I am also going to call him a cad or a bastard or a jerk), but there is more to it than that.
 
I can honestly believe that after the cameras stopped rolling, after the glamour of being on tv and having to be someone that an audience (and they are fully aware that they are being watched and judged) will connect with ENDS, that the person who is ultimately chosen relaxs and turns back into the person that they really are when they aren’t trying to be someone for TV.
 
And that WILL change the chemistry of the relationship.
 
Who really knows who is to blame here? Maybe Melissa got tired of Jason’s constant weeping (whoo boy did he cry a lot… I like men that can cry, but this dude went overboard (or was chemically unbalanced like my second boyfriend, ColdBlood)). Maybe they realized that, when not being set up for tasks and dates by someone else, they had very little in common. Maybe there were personal habits that she had that he couldn’t stand?
 
Or maybe its just that throwing 25 women at one man and PRESSURING him into making a lifelong commitment to ONE in a short amount of time in a completely UNREALISTIC environment.
 
I am sorry that there are so many people out there who “root” for one woman (or man) over another, and who take these kinds of shows personally. Who are we (the viewers) to call names or throw fits over choices that other people, people we don’t KNOW beyond their best face forward that they present on this show, have to LIVE with.
 
We have to remember this:
 
Whether we like it or not, the Bachelor/Bachelorette is a GAME show
 
They are playing a GAME, just like the Amazing Race or Survivor or any of the other “reality” game shows out there. The end goal is entertainment — yes we WANT a happily ever after, but we have to be realistic when looking at these shows and understand that a PERSON is the ultimate prize here… but that THAT PERSON is also deeper than we can see on the screen in a few weeks.
 
Its a GAME.
 
We love to watch because some of us hope that there is still romance out there, forgetting that the romance is staged for the poor boy and that, on his own it is UNLIKELY that he would be this sauve or romantic. Most men just AREN’T. We might want to believe it (as women) but its a safer bet to live in the real world : MEN DO NOT MAKE HUGE ROMANTIC GESTURES VERY OFTEN.
 
We love to watch the women compete. We secretly like to watch the claws come out. Secretly, we like to see the “behind the scenes” type stuff where the women aren’t being BFFs to impress the guy they are trying to win. We forget that in real life these women would likely NEVER be tossed into one house together, and that they’d never KNOW that the guy they were dating was dating around… THESE SHOWS FEED ON JEALOUSY
 
We forget that there are real people here, and that the situations are fake and the people are trying to be wonderful and beautiful and perfect all the time, but that REAL LIFE IS NOT WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT all the time and that when REAL REALITY is imposed these people may likely NOT be the same people they paraded in front of the camera or in order to win the “prize”…

 

I gotta stop watching these things :)
 
Life lessons with Pam (yes, I’m bringing it back):
  • Reality TV is not REAL like it or not the situations that they create on these game shows are formulated to cause as much conflict between the contestants as possible
  • Its entertainment. As much as people like to talk about who was wrong, the fact of the matter is that it was FORMULATED to get ratings.
  • Men are not naturally that romantic without assistance. Its way easier to be romantic when you have a tv studio and crew, budget, designer, and writer designing dates for you. Its UNREALISTIC to expect real life dates to be that romantic, because its just not possible for the average person to do on their own. Shows like this feed on the romantic notions that women love and yearn for, but realize that they will never really get.
  • If you want a rose, buy it yourself. Always better than bitterly yearning and never getting it from somoene else. I have found (and I admit I’m not the most romantically experienced person either) that when you meet your own needs, when you get yourself flowers or jewelry on your OWN, guys tend to pick up on those cues (“ah ha, THOSE are her favourites!”) and the rate of flowers increases. And if it doesn’t send a hint, well… now you have pretty flowers!!
 
Yay writing again… :)
 

posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

So quiet

February9
shh…
 
Its relatively quiet in my office today.
 
My manager is talking on the phone.
 
My coworker is typing away in his office, and for once not grumbling to himself about something.
 
The site superintendent is talking to the men in the back.
 
And I’m slowly going through the huge collection of paperwork on my desk.
 
Sometimes my job sucks. I mean, I am GLAD to have the job, and the flexibility that I am given here… but the fact of the matter is that while my job is frustrating it isn’t exactly challenging, and its DEFINATELY not what I went to school for.
 
I have 2 degrees, and while that sounds impressive to some, the fact of the matter is that I put my family before my career, and now I am basically an office administrator in a small office branch of a large company — stuck in a job where I can’t move up and there is very little personal development available, and I am totally capped at what I can earn.
 
Its frustrating at times. Well… a LOT of times.
 
I don’t want to risk losing my job, not with the economy being bad and my divorce going wonky and having to support myself and my children alone. I need to have the security that this job offers me, and the flexibility that I have here because I work in a small office with people who know me well enough to care about my personally.
 
But I am also needing a challenge.
 
For the last few months my dreams have started to fall down around my head. This is not news, nor is it particularly unusual as it seems to be happening to a number of other people at this time as well.
 
My Ex could have sold our house EASILY a year ago, when the market was up and houses were still selling like mad. He could have swallowed his pride and dealt with the situation at that time, rather than desperately clinging to the belief that he could keep the house and not pay me out or get out of debt without it.
 
Instead he waited until the market in the US tanked and Canadians were starting to feel the panic rising up from their southern neighbors. And even THEN, he had offers he didn’t take. And he wanted to avoid the realtor at first, and then went away for MOST of the first month he attempted to sell the home (which he says he didn’t do, but he went camping with the kids for a week, took them out of the city for a few days, and then went to a “training” session in Toronto for a week during the first month he was trying to sell the house)…
 
So now, instead of us being able to see a clear path out of the debts he has pushed us into with his spending habits, instead of the cleared debts that came from refinancing he waited and spent money on himself and his girlfriends and his vehicle… and now instead of being in the sitatuion that the refinance was supposed to give us (minimal debts) we are facing HUGE CRUSHING debt if the house doesn’t sell.
 
And his greed prevented him from taking an offer that would have allowed us out of debt even though it didn’t allow us any left over funds afterwards.
 
And with every selfish step he has taken in the years I have known him, I have lost more and more of my dreams, until the last dreams have been extinguished (for now).
 
I used to dream of travelling, and he promised to go with me when we met. But in the end HE travelled and I stayed home with the kids. I saved money to travel and he found it and spent it over and over. I went to Toronto ALONE… But the promises to go to Europe vanished over and over… and now they have been put off for good.
 
I used to dream of owning a home of my own, but his selfishness in spending has caused so much financial strife that it will be a VERY long time before I will be able to afford the downpayment on even a small home of my own. He took the dream from me, but I will get it back.
 
I used to dream, like many young women, of a family — a husband, wife and kids. I dreamed of a life where I had someone, even multiple someones, to come home to at night, where I had other people to cook for and hold onto at night. What I had was very much LESS than that, with a husband who was at the least physically out of my life for 50% of the time, and emotionally COMPLETELY missing from the lives of his family. Now I have been left with the remains of being ignored and tossed aside, have had my kids ripped out of my life for 50% of the time, and am more alone than I ever expected. I don’t know if I can get to that place now, I don’t know if that place EXISTS.
 
And now my dreams are different. I think that I haven’t completely LOST them, just that I have a hard time finding a way to adapt them to the way things are NOW…
 
 
 
 
 
 
posted under My Life | 2 Comments »

a slice of life

October29

Life lessons of the moment

 

So… I intended to get to the podcast last night, only to find that the internet in my suite wasn’t working. It would bounce up and down, disconnecting me over and over. The biggest issue is that the main router for the residence was located upstairs, in the suite above me (yes, it is part of our rental agreement that the internet is part of rent, so no issues there) – and unfortunately for me the residents upstairs are not sure how to deal with the router.

 

So… that necessitated my landlords coming over and moving the main router to the common area (the laundry room) so that if something of this nature occurred again I would be able to take care of it (having gone through the trouble to become a tech support agent at one time in my life, I guess that makes me qualified to do this).

 

I really DO want to get another episode up. I have been encouraged to hear from a few people out there who have actually heard the first 2 episodes!! I do not know how to tell if there are people subscribing (although, at this point, what point would there be since I have been so spotty at getting it out?)… if anyone is reading this (again, google analytics is no longer working, so I don’t know if anyone comes here either) and knows, can you let me know how I’d tell???

 

I still have many plans for the weeks ahead.

 

I’m just not gonna PROMISE anything until I know if I can do things!

 

Okay… so the stresses for this week:

 

  1. my car is still in the shop. I took it in at 7:30am last Monday, and it continues to be in the shop, and will be until at least next Monday. Meanwhile I am left driving and Austin Mini Cooper… which is good and bad (laugh). It’s a cute car, good on gas, and easy to park. But its hard to get used to driving automatic when you drive standard normally, and its harder to get the kids in and out of.
  2. blow up with the former friend. In some ways this is good. In others it’s just causing me to build up tension in my neck.
  3. people down from corporate to watch over what we do and how we do it.
  4. planning a birthday party for my son, and feeling worried that no one from his class will want to attend.
  5. STBX has not given me the child support or daycare expenses for October yet, and with all his whining I don’t know if he will
  6. lawyer wants to meet with STBX and his lawyer to discuss what STBX thinks is ultimately fair in the division of property situation. I feel that this is just a way to push me around, to make me take on debts that I have already “given” him consideration for, and to make it seem like he is being “reasonable” and I’m being a bitch
  7. the house we own hasn’t sold, and that is making things drag on longer and longer. It also means there is less likihood of me getting out of this mess with ANYTHING…

 

Good things coming up:

  • BoyChild turns 8!
  • GirlChild gets her first school pictures done
  • Started dating, and hoping to talk to at least one of the interesting men again (?)
  • Halloween
  • Podcast Episode #3
  • Finally booking a massage appointment (when I find an RMT)
  • BoyChild has a birthday party…
  • Trying out the Yoga/Tai Chi/Pilates class at the gym next week
  • Will have time on Sunday to go to the gym after STBX picks up the kids
  • Reviewing possibility to take a class in some form of martial art (if it isn’t too late in the year)
  • Clean the house!!!

 

So there are a lot of things coming up. Big thing is that I am kicking ass at work lately, which means even though I still have an overwhelming amount for one person to do, I am getting a lot of it done and off my plate so that things are cleared up and cleared off my desk. I am planning on using the fact that my health benefits package covers massage therapy up to $500 without a prescription (reimbursed at either 80% or 100%, I can’t remember) to start taking better care of myself.

 

I have been treating myself to things that take care of me lately – I had my hair done for the first time in a year and bought the good salon styling products for my hair type (naturally curly). I plan on getting a few pairs of jeans (since I wear jeans every day at work) and a few sweaters. I have been taking time to knit things for my family and friends, which further reduces my stress… and I have begun to try and let go of the expectations that this will be an easy process and just enjoy what I can.

posted under My Life | 2 Comments »
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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