Frozen Nowhere

So my weeks tend to start around 5pm on Sundays… I know, an unusual time, but that’s how it is. Either I recieve my children back into my home at this time or STBX picks them up to go to his house at this time… and so this is the demarcation between the time I am a parent and the time I am lonely. I have the cats, I have friends, but for the most part I miss my kids the weeks they are gone and crave the weeks they are here.

And so begins a new week for me.

The kids are home, I don’t necessarily need to deal with the ex for a while (other than the…

Even facing “death” can’t slow down my life too much, there is just too much going on, and although I mourn I move and grow and reclaim. At least the attempt at reconnection, rejection, acceptance, and reflection have done one thing for me — I have been able to reclaim one part of my past and reintegrate that shard of who “Pam” was into who “Pam” IS now…

As anyone who might be reading can tell, my writing has flourished in the past few days. It might be shocking to anyone who only knew me in the past 5 or so years to know, but this used to be a daily practice — NaNoWriMo would not have slowed me…

I think it is always good to reflect on passings and endings. And as I have finally come to the ending of a friendship that I had been desperately holding onto, it is time to reflect on that relationship and let it go. In a few weeks I will make the final cut, and ritually “bury” the past forever, so now I am in the last stage where i have accepted its dead, gone, cold and flatlined and that it happened a long long time ago. 

 
And so I need to look at it for what it was, the good and the bad, and see what lessons I learned from this friendship; what can I take with me…

This week, so far, has been a huge roller coaster of emotions, and for that I think I am glad. I am bringing resolution to some of the unresolved issues in my life.
 
The biggest resolution was the knowing that, once and for all, forever and ever, the past friendship I had had (the one in which I felt the need to just vanish into the ether of the world from) is gone. Is that the resolution I was hoping for? No. Quite frankly, I knew that it was more likely than not that he would be upset with me, and likely that he would not want me in his life… but I think a (very, VERY, small and

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