Once again it is Wednesday, and that means Wishcasting Wednesday. This week Jamie asks us to consider “Where do you wish to make a fresh start?”

When I first read it, I read it as “what would you like a fresh start for”… and part of me immediately jumped to “my adulthood”… dayum, a lot of the time I wish I had made the right decisions when I started off my adulthood (I’m assuming around 20) and if I had done that I wouldn’t feel “lost” the way I do right now.

But even I know that’s false…

(At least I HOPE HOPE HOPE that I am not the only person who feels lost…)

But where do I wish to make a fresh start: now that is something that directs ME to make a change.

I feel like this year has been all about changes – I have moved and tried to radically change a lot of things (mostly unsuccessfully) in my life – I have tried to change the way I spend, eat, entertain myself, interact with people, and view the world…  and yet I haven’t really been able to “get it”…

What I need is not a radical change by itself, but a fresh start! I need to say “okay, that was that, now lets start as if we’re starting from scratch”… I need to let go of the old systems and stories that are holding me back, and I need to MAKE A FRESH START.

Where do I need a fresh start?

1. Finances. I need to let go of the past mistakes and just move forward from HERE. I have found a few really useful resources and I am starting to evaluate and learn about money management.
2. Career. I need to look at my education not as a missed opportunity and a failure on my part (since I haven’t been successful in using my degrees) and start as if I am just starting out NOW with no baggage. What do I WANT to do, even if it is hard? And if I can find that I can determine the steps needed to get there.
3. Love.  Past patterns and past rituals need to go, and I need to start as if I was just starting out instead of as one who has been through and is afraid.

Where do you wish to make a fresh start?

I have a lot of trouble saying “no”, even when I know I need to.

It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, just to say “no” to things that I do not want… but this is something I am working on changing.

Why do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”?

Honestly, there are a variety of reasons that I do this:

• I want to belong. This is the strongest one, because I can feel it pulling me into things I don’t have the time, energy or finances to do. I have spent more of my life looking for people to interact with and a place to belong than any other goal in my life, and even though I haven’t made any headway in this area, I continue to say “yes” to activities where I might find people to talk to and belong with.
• I feel obligated. This is particularly strong where my children are concerned – because I am a divorced parent I feel that I have something more to prove to the other mothers, something that I lack from having chosen to divorce the father of my children.  This is particularly strong when I am receiving judgement from the school system or my children’s teachers.
• I feel guilty saying “no”. This is strongest when I am confronted with a situation where I am propositioned to be NEEDED for something. Usually, this is a volunteer position that I am needed for, taking time and energy away from other things that I need to do (either for myself or my family), but because of the awkwardness of saying “no” I agree to do things…

So yeah, I people please… for a variety of reasons, either wanting to belong and fit in or because I feel that I will be letting someone else down, I do things that I do not want or have time to do.

It happens over and over.

Now I’m starting to look at this part of my personality and actually start to say “no” to things I do NOT want to do. It’s been harder than I expected, let me explain…

 Saying “NO” to the Boy Scouts of Canada

Last year I decided to get BoyChild involved with the Cub Scouts. When I was signing him up I got the pitch that they needed more leaders or the program wouldn’t be able to be sustained (guilt)… and I thought that it would be a great way for me to be more involved with my children (obligation) and I had been a leader before with the Girl Guides of Canada (belonging) so I said I would “think about it”.

I didn’t really get much chance to think about it because right from the minute they sensed that I might do it they ramped up the sales pitch, and before I knew it not only was BoyChild signed up for Cubs but GirlChild was signed up for Beavers  and I was being groomed as a Beaver Leader.  Within one the costs started to rise:

• $150/kid to be signed up
• $30 for me to sign up and $35 for my police record check
• $75 for uniforms for the kids, $50 for a uniform for myself
• $10 for the Cub handbook
• $2 every meeting for dues (for 30 meetings =$60)
• Camp fees all year  ($20/person/camp for 4 camps = $240)
• $300 in  Camping GEAR
• $50 for fundraisers

By year end I had spent at least $1000 to be part of this group.

Every meeting I was cornered and asked when I was going to do more training, telling me I needed to “step up” and do more. By mid-December I was expected to attend committee meetings once a month, to do online training, to volunteer more, and plan more activities and events.

It wasn’t good for ME and it wasn’t good for my FAMILY. I was feeling pinched in my finances and every time I turned around the group wanted MORE from me. Making extra meetings meant sacrificing time with my children and sacrificing time getting their homework done and proper meals cooked. It meant giving up sleeping in on Saturday morning. It meant feeling rushed. It meant letting other people down.

It was hard to step back and say – “while I want to be part of this group (belonging need) and I believe that this is a good thing for my children (obligation) and I understand the need for qualified leaders (guilt) I just do not have the capacity to meet your requirements of me either financially or with my time” – and even harder to realize that it is TRUE and its OKAY.

I needed to say “no, I can’t do it” and not offer excuses or reasons. I didn’t OWE them a reason, my stating I would not be able to be there for them this year had to be enough.

What I learned:

It is OKAY to say “no”, without offering an explanation. In this case there was no way that the other leaders and committee members were able to understand my point of view.  It is sufficient for me to say “I cannot do this” without having to offer excuses or explanations or reasons or humiliating myself by explaining that I can’t afford something on my budget.

I have the right to say “I do not have the extra time for this” without an argument – after all, only *I* know what I have or do not have time to add to my life.

It’s OKAY to not belong. The requirements of membership in this group were too expensive – both in terms of money and time.

It’s okay to shift priorities. While I realized quite early on in my stint as a Beaver/Cub leader that it wasn’t really something I could sustain long term, I did my best to meet all the requirements of a leader for my term with them. I did not shirk my duties and I tried my best to meet their demands with the demands of a full time job, parenting, and personally rewarding activities. In the end, I realized that while I enjoyed Scouting, and my children enjoyed Scouting, it wasn’t high enough up on our priority list for this year.

Saying “no” is not burning bridges. This summer I had another situation which I had to say “no”… this was very difficult for me because, like the other situation, it was something that I really wanted to be part of. I had applied for a scholarship to an online workshop type thing, and had received a partial scholarship – which was still a bit beyond my budget. I didn’t want to disappoint the workshop leaders, whom were people I respected and wished to be friends with, but after a few weeks it became apparent that the material presented was just not right for who I was at this point in my life. Luckily they graciously accepted me stepping down from the course, understanding that right now was not a good time for me to accept the information they were giving me.

Sometimes it’s okay to have no reason to say “no”.  As I get to know myself I have started to realize that sometimes it pays to listen to that little voice inside me telling me not to do something (or, to do something no matter what it takes). I don’t have to understand WHY something feels right or feels wrong, I have to go with the feeling.

Don’t rush into decisions. Because my time and resources are finite, and because I have to juggle work and kids and leisure activities for all of us, I need to be more careful agreeing to things. Like the Scout Leading, quite often there are more time or money requirements that aren’t immediately apparent and thinking about these things, and determining how saying “yes” to this might affect other priorities, is essential.

Meet YOUR needs BEFORE you please other people. For me it’s always easier to avoid confrontations by agreeing to do what will make the other person happy, if possible. Often that means putting the needs of the other first and subsuming what I need to do to make myself happiest.  Its NICE to please other people, but the $1000 I spent on the Scouting experience could have been put towards the Dream Vacation (DisneyLand) and we’d be 25% closer to our dream.

It’s okay to think in terms of money, or time, or interest. So maybe not everything in your life HAS to be socially motivated. That’s OKAY! It’s okay to sacrifice for something that has a higher priority, even if it is more “me” time when people think you SHOULD be more social!

So, while I still FEEL guilty when I say no, these experiences have made me step back and start to focus on my priorities and what *I* want out of life – for my social experience, for my money, for my family – and not to keep being bullied into what other people want.

What do you (if there are any YOUS out there anymore) do when you want to say “no”? Have you ever had a time when you said “yes” to something that you knew you should have said “no” to? What steps do you take to avoid the “no” guilt?

I seem to have fallen silent here lately, and that’s a shame because I feel like I have things to write about but not the time to write them (work has kicked up a notch and after a day on the computer I have no desire lately to spend more time online)… I assume this is a summer thing, as there are other things I am better able to do while the season is at least somewhat pleasant.

So… the question Jamie asks this week is :

What do you wish to send LOVE to?

As weird as it might seem, I wish to send love to my SELVES :

•  I wish to love the unloved child-self that never felt like she was “enough” for her family 
•  I wish to send love to my wife-self so that she can understand that it was necessary and RIGHT to have left her abusive marriage for something better. I wish for her to love herself because she was strong enough to leave, instead of hating herself for staying so long or not staying longer.
• I wish to send love to my mother-self so that she forgives herself for not the mistakes she (and wife-self) has made with the kids. I wish for her to understand that kids want her TIME and ATTENTION, not objects and clutter and detritus. I want her to forgive the “imperfections” and “issues” that other people point to in her children, and help her to see the beautiful shining souls that are just waiting to come forth in her children. I want her to love what she does do instead of hating herself for the things she can’t do. 
•  I wish to send love to my lover self so she understands that to love someone doesn’t mean to lose the self in him or allow him to walk all over her 
•  I wish to send love to my future self, so she can see that the “mistakes” of her life were fated necessity… I wish her to love the journey and to continue seeking the path because Present-Self doesn’t wish to give up trying to find her place in the world 
•  I wish to love my Present-Self. I wish to love myself, because I should. I wish to accept myself. I wish to keep cheering for myself even though I feel LOST. I wish to forgive my “flaws” and love me no matter what anyone else thinks.
• I wish to send love to my Creator-me so that she can understand that being creative is NOT about being PERFECT, it’s a fundamental need I have, and there is no “right” and “perfect” wasy to do it, nor is there an easy way to get through other than to try and try and try…

I also wish to send LOVE to:

•  My children, so they would always know that even when I am hard on them, even when I don’t give them everything they want, I love them and am willing to sacrifice to make them happy, healthy and well rounded.
• My family so they will someday be able to love and accept my life choices.
• My friends, whom I don’t get to talk to or see often due to time, energy, or distance.
•  The friends I have yet to meet, knowing that someday I will love them, its just a waiting time now.

I love…

… the newly painted green of my bedroom.

…the warmth of a kitty cat

…circles, spirals, dots, swirls

…greens, blues, indigos

…brown eyed susans on the side of the highway.

…calla lilies, roses, lilacs

…aurora borealis shining overhead at night

… being held by one who cares

…holding my children in my arms

…having a home of my own

…being part of a family, even a broken one.

…travelling, something I NEVER thought I would love when I was younger (and more naïve).

…baking and cooking (just not doing the dishes).

…trying new foods (as long as they are fish and peanut free)

…arts and crafts

…frogs

…taking pictures

… creating art

I have been doing a lot of thinking of what things I love to do, as I am still on an exquisite exploration of my me-ness. Part of this has been looking at things that I enjoy, that feed my soul, and incorporating things I love into my life to make things feel fuller. It’s something that I have regretted not spending time on in my past, because I often did the “womanly” thing and put the needs of others before myself… and I lost a lot of time learning what I do and do not like/enjoy by ignoring myself.

While I am not exactly SINGLE anymore (I am in a committed non-live in relationship) I do not want to walk down that path again, which is exactly why I am trying to use this time in my life to find out exactly what I want, like, and NEED for myself outside of my relationships with any other people.  Too soon life changes and I might not get the time or have the ability to explore or have alone time like I do now.  I don’t want to wait forever to try new things, especially knowing that my partner is NOT at all interested in trying new things with me.

While I love Reg very much, I just can’t see him being willing to take a trip somewhere new, go to an opera or ballet, take a class with me, or try a new kind of food… he just wouldn’t do it and I know from experience that there isn’t a point in pulling someone along to things they seriously do NOT want to try… it’s about as pleasant as taking a cat for a walk.

So… part of my process is trying things out on my own, for me. Not needing another person to be with me, to share things with me (although, yes, it is much more fun when you get to have an adventure with someone you love). It’s part of my process of being SINGLE (because I am not married to him, even if I am committed to seeing if this is what we both want out of life) and finding the places I can compromise my yearning for new, adventurous things with the idea of having a life partner who is there for me for the long haul, everyday type events that are truly important.

I don’t know if I will marry again, or cohabitate with anyone… that’s the future and one that’s too uncertain to speculate on.  I am planning my life for ME… and if someone else fits into it on the way that’s great (I know that my kids fit into it already, since they are part of my whole life)… but if they don’t I’m no longer going to be the kind of girl who gives up everything she is and dulls down her existence because of a man…

Never again…

So, while I have time to decide the path I want to take I am doing all I can to enjoy my life. If that means having a glass of wine with dinner, so be it (Reg is a complete teetotaler) even if my SO doesn’t share the pleasure. If I want to go out and try something new, I am willing to invite my S.O along, but I am not longer willing to forgo things just because they don’t WANT to come along for the ride.  I will no longer allow someone else tell me I CANNOT do something just because they do not want to do it…

So I have decided that I am going to try and implement a plan of action for my life:

• Take at least one class a year to learn something I love
  • Last year it was Irish dance, this year I will continue with Irish dance and if I can afford it I will take Tae Kwon Do with my son as well
  • Take myself on at least one small trip every year (within reason)
  • Save at least $100 a month into a savings account
    • By cutting cable back to basic or tier 1, my internet phone to basic, and my internet to high speed light and managing my cell plan better
    • Taking lunches instead of buying lunches for work
    • Cutting down grocery costs
    • Cutting energy costs  as much as possible (running only full loads of laundry, changing to energy efficient lights, unplugging things that are not critical when not in use)
    • Pay down my debts within 2 years (mortgage excluded J)
      • All GST, bonuses and tax refunds go to pay down debt
      • No incurring new debts
      • Pay off credit cards and consolidating into the line of credit which has a significantly lower interest
      • Move towards super secret plans J

In the mean time I will EXPERIENCE my life more…

Any tips/hints/suggestions to doing that? What do you do to EXPERIENCE life fully?