With my divorce finalized, I have come to realize that the relationship with theEx has not only legally changed, but is ripe for a complete overhauling of the rules of engagement. While the rules have slowly been changing since I made the momentous step of walking out of our marital home and it has been difficult to create a sense of my complete independence from the role I played for so long.

The relationship with theEx was abusive. Verbally and emotionally theEx would use guilt and threats to subdue me and make me feel as small and unimportant as he could. Whenever I tried to create a boundary he would push through and stomp out my efforts. While most people would think that it would be easier to get away from someone who was “just” emotionally and verbally abusive than someone who hit you that’s not true.

 The was weakened boundaries for myself. Since standing up for myself, making my own decisions and trusting MYSELF were often triggers for abuse from theEx (because control was important to him) I avoided those behaviours. He could control me, and he wanted to keep that control, and anything the questioned his control/authority caused him to REMIND me who “kept” me (same with the Stalker) using care and money as a reason and induce feelings that I would have to stay.

When I broke loose and started looking at things clearly for the first time it was pretty obvious to me that I needed to decide FOR ME what was and was not acceptable. I needed to have boundaries so I could become the person I was meant to be.

I Needed to Build a Sanctuary of ME

I had to come to a place in my life where I felt safe to explore myself.

That might sound strange to some people, but the effort of avoiding negative emotions from things around me had stopped me from really finding out who I was. I hadn’t had space of my own, previously, where I felt I was free to unfurl my wings…

The first thing I did was to realize that I needed both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL space I needed time to make my home my OWN space. I wanted to sleep by myself, I wanted to do my own podcast by myself, I wanted to worship alone, I wanted to cook for myself, I wanted to parent my children alone, I wanted to watch tv, do needlework, read, write, blog, bathe…I wanted to taste life and EXPERIENCE things without having to please someone else or SHARE every single experience with someone.

I (started to) disentangle myself from a toxic relationship. Some of the elements of control and guilt and verbal abuse that I experienced in past relationships were violently waving red flags:

• being made to feel “selfish” or guilty via email for not agreeing to what the other wanted
• being made to feel pressured to share/hide my spirituality
• finding “gifts” on my doorstep intended to woo/buy/guilt me into response
• text messages/emails threatening me if I didn’t respond immediately
• attacks for my blog/diary/journals

While it was hard to leave theEx, realizing that the Stalker was just as bad wasn’t as hard. Part of realizing what I wanted in my life necessitated cutting out what I didn’t want, no matter what the other person wanted. Realizing that things were heading down a road I no longer wanted to walk, I choose to walk away. Saying that, the cutting of ties was harder than just saying that I was done. All told, I had to screen email, change locks, change my phone number and resist reacting to the threats, pleas, angry outbursts, drunk texts/calls, and viscious attacks on my blog for 6 months before I felt I could let down my guard and feel SAFE again.

 I went through a massive decluttering. I threw away/recycled/donated/gifted items that were in my home that no longer spoke of who I was. I was no longer Mrs. TheEx, after all. I was no longer bound by his rules for asthetic and status objects!

 I made room in my space for ME. I cleaned. I reflected. I enjoyed. I created sacred space for myself to shine through.

I modified my living arrangements to fit my lifestyle. The biggest thing I did was stop renting and make the jump to purchasing my own townhouse. Yes, I gave up savings, but it gave me a way out of an insecure and increasingly unlivable situation with my upstairs neighbors and a deadbeat landlord. Which lead to…

 Making lifestyle changes to fit the person I was becoming. For the first time in my life I started to really think about what I wanted my life too look like — present, near future, distant future — and I started to create a plan to get there. That meant having to make hard decisions in my life– what things I valued the most, what financial goals I wanted to meet, what interpersonal goals I wanted, what kind of relationship did I want to have with my family/kids/friends/partner/self — and start to make the necessary changes.

Setting Boundaries

Building the boundaries (for me) was a process of getting to a space and time when I was able to be secure enough in my environment to start working not just to survive but to thrive as a person. Realizing, for the first time, that my life didn’t need to be lived to please or appease another person, that I could make my own decisions without having to justify or ask permission, was a truly NEW experience for me.

I feel like a new person.

I have started to change my relationship with my (now finally truely EX) ex-husband. I would like to say that I have become an expert on setting boundaries with him and maintaining them. I would be lying if I told you that.

Like all people who are used to getting their own way, setting boundaries with theEx has had the unfortunate effect of causing theEx to… well… to throw “temper tantrums” and exhibit bullying, abusive behaviour. And, just as his past behaviour would scare me into bowing to his demands or appeasing him, I have often felt the express “need” to give in to his demands, felt guilty, felt like a shitty mother, worried about my abilities to “make it”, and accepted blame for actions that were not MINE.

I have sometimes FAILED to stand up to him and defend my boundaries. I have continually taken on responsibility for his feelings, his reactions, and his needs, at the detriment of my OWN feelings, needs, or rights. Little by little I am unpacking the words he uses, the feelings that are evoked, and what my rights REALLY are. Little by little I am building stronger boundaries with him. Little by little I am gaining personal space and letting go of the fears that gave him control over me in the past.

I am standing firm.

 My relationship with theEx has to change. And that means that his role in my life has to change:

• I will no longer be afraid of him, since he no longer holds any power over me. While I was married to him I was economically tied to him (and his spending habits), but now I am financially free from his BS. The most he can threaten to do is take me to court for not “cooperating” with him the way he wants me to… and at the worst they will charge me money and uphold the status quo because I am a good parent (albeit strict) and a healthy person
• I will no longer accept responsibility for his financial fuckery. It is a well known fact amoungst the people who know theEx that he spends money faster than he earns it. But his spending now has nothing to do with me. NOTHING. His legal expenses are his problem and I am not going to remediate his costs (I can’t trust him enough to deal with him without legal assistance) or negotiate to keep his costs low at my expense. His child support payments are the MINIMUM required by the courts… I have never asked for more than was legally owed.
• I will no longer allow the guilt or blame. I realize that theEx exercised control over me by making me feel “not good enough” because it made him more secure knowing that I was insecure, and the easiest way to make me insecure was to make me question if I was being good enough by making me feel guilt for something I haven’t done or blame for something I supposedly HAD done.
• I will no longer accept control from outside me. I will no longer worry about meeting arbitrary demands and deadlines. Since there is nothing he can really do to me if I fail to live up to his expectations, I will make the conscious effort to put a stop to his expectation that I will drop everythign to answer his calls or respond to his emails immediately. Unless someone is sick, injured or dying there is no reason he should expect me to jump to respond to his demands. Again, he has nothing he can do, other than throw a temper tantrum.
• I will not allow him to corner me. I will not enter his home, I will not invite him into mine. We have no real reason to socialize together, and I have nothing I want to “talk” to him about that desperately, and its usually a code for wanting to pressure me into some sort of clandestine agreement when HE says it…

I imagine my personal sanctuary being fortified by my “rules” — I build a door by not letting him have power over me, I create a peephole when I view but don’t respond to his “urgency” via phone or email, I create myself a piggy bank when I control only MY spending issues and stop enabling his, I create a fence when I keep him out of my home, and I create a MOAT (full of karmasharks) when I take away his power to use guilt and blame…

What do you see when you create boundaries to keep toxic people out of your life?

I’m having a hard time writing lately. Things are feeling… hard… right now. I am distracted, trying to keep so many “balls in the air” in so many aspects of my life.

It’s hard to talk about things, even here, because I know that my words will be judged.  I appreciate people READING/Listening to my words, but there are some times when I do not necessarily need the FEEDBACK on my decisions, just the support that I am doing things the way I need to do them.

That being said… I have things that I want to get off my mind that don’t necessarily need the judgment of minds outside me (although support is okay, I don’t necessarily need “shoes” thrown (to use a Havi-Brook-ism) right now)…

1. Divorce

Amazingly enough, the order of divorce has FINALLY been signed by a judge, meaning that I will legally be no longer married (according to the Government of Canada) 31 days from that date. For those keeping track, the divorce judgment was issued April 15, 2010, and so I will be legally divorced as of May 16, 2010.

I don’t know how to feel about it.  My emotions are all over the place with the finality of the ending of my marriage.  I am:

• Relieved that this part is over
• Frustrated with the way things were handled
• Upset that I failed
• Happy that I made it through, relatively unscathed
• Annoyed that theEx continues to try and muddy the issues and play games with support
• Intimidated by theEx with regards to his constant badgering me to see how he’s the one presenting things “fairly” while I am being greedy
• Disappointment with the “death” of a life I wanted – married with kids and a home
• Realization that I am better off (emotionally, spiritually, financially, physically, socially) without theEx
• Unsure
• Self-loathing because I feel that he might be right in labeling me “greedy” for asking the lawyers to review the support documents rather than (yet again) agreeing with what he wants and sees as “fair”
• Proud of standing up to him and his bullying
• Afraid of the debt from enforcing my child support order
• Disappointed in theEx for trying to bully me out of support for our kids, when he makes THREE TIMES what I do
• Afraid. Afraid that I have been wrong. Afraid that the ex is right and that my asserting my NOW COURT GIVEN RIGHTS is “greedy” or “selfish” or will cause issues later on
• Virtuous. I did things right. I didn’t play dirty. I got out without bankrupting myself, and I asked for LESS THAN I was due from theEx and STILL made it through.
• ANGRY that even though I make 50-75% LESS than theEx he feels the need to constantly tell me that he can’t “live” on what he earns if he is required to pay support
• Guilt that he is “struggling” and feels that it is MY fault that he isn’t able to make his ends meet
• Frustration that I feel angry and guilty and a bit superior to him when he could definitely live within his means, rather than try to force me to give in and let him pay less and less…

2. CHILD SUPPORT ISSUE

There is a question of outstanding child support for 2009 on the table.  It shouldn’t be a shock to him, but he is trying to control the situation outside of talking to the lawyers. This is simply something he is struggling with, and getting DESPERATE trying to get me to agree with his interpretation of “fair”.

Most conversations go like this:

X: I had to wait to file taxes. I needed to be sure I had the money.

Me: I just need the forms.

X: I will get the forms when they come. But you DO see how it is unfair to have my income viewed at $X this year? They are counting it TWICE!! That’s not fair.

Me: I am not going to offer an opinion on that right now.

X: but it isn’t FAIR! 

Me: I do not know the tax and support laws/guides for this. Ask your lawyer, she’ll know.

X: But she charges me for every 2 min phone call! I can’t AFFORD that! But you can SEE its not fair this way! I can TELL Lawyer that my income is $Y and your income as $T and she will tell us what should have been paid.

Me: I am not agreeing or disagreeing. I don’t know the rules and I do not feel comfortable agreeing with you on this.

X:You’re being GREEDY!!! I have to live too you know…(much blah blah whining and email abuse about how I’m ruining him inserted here)

The funny part of this is that theEx makes THREE times what I make in a year. THREE TIMES. I don’t feel sorry for him. I don’t AGREE with him. I don’t DISAGREE with him, for the record.

I agreed to have it reviewed and dealt with… by SOMEONE ELSE, someone NOT theEx, someone who KNOWS about these things, is to look at both sets of documents and give us the answer…

I want to be protected.

3. LOVE LIFE

I haven’t wanted to write about this because I had enough of the negative reactions from people when I mentioned that I had been contacted by the Noodle.   And even worse when I mentioned that I RESPONDED to him

I got reactions that ranged from supportive but cautious to outright hostile about the Noodle. While I respect that things did not necessarily go very well between the Noodle and I, the ending was pretty much a letting go and stepping back away, not a blow out fight.  Responding to the message on FaceBook, then chatting on MSN, and talking on the phone??? Those were 100% my choices to make and didn’t affect anyone other than me and my children, and, those people are MY responsibility and no one else’s.

While there was perhaps a grain of trying to protect me from hurt, the vehemence of the proclamation that even talking to the Noodle again was “stupid” and that he was just going to “use” me again was a little disconcerting to me. Yes, the relationship went off the rails pretty early on – mostly due to lack of communication, stress of divorces (both of us were completing divorce processes), and child rearing pressures … but in the end only I know what I want and do not want in my life…

I wrote truly about the previous part of the relationship. The last day I saw him was January 1. The last time I talked to him was January 5 when I called to wish him a happy birthday. We drifted apart via MSN on January 12, and he had made it clear that he just hadn’t been interested in fighting for a future.

So I was shocked to hear from him 3 weeks ago. At first I wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, but I was willing to listen, I was open to at least a friendship. I wasn’t about to pretend that nothing happened, I wasn’t able to just ignore the fact that I had felt very isolated and alone and unwanted in the relationship for most of the time we were “together”. I couldn’t ignore the things I had done wrong, but I couldn’t brush aside the lack of willingness to care and nurture a relationship on his side either.

In the end I decided, FOR MYSELF, to give the relationship another shot. There are changes in the way things are going to go – I am not hosting weekends at my place, we’re not getting the kids together yet, the focus (whether anyone else agrees or not) is on the Noodle and I (not on our lives as single parents) and we’re communicating regularly. And even though people would rather I just stay single and focus only on my kids and my cats, I know that my life path isn’t necessarily going to follow the “approved” path that everyone ELSE wants for me…

So… there you have it: My divorce has been signed and I will be officially, legally single again as of May 16^th, I am still avoiding agreeing with theEx on back support issues, and I am once again dating the Noodle…

Any questions???

I’m sitting at work listening to the howl of the wind as my province falls into yet another late winter storm pounds the wall and window beside me. I can feel the draught from under the door and the cracks in the window. It’s freezing here (0C) and it’s hard to believe that just yesterday it was +18C (although with the ever present wind)… we’ve been promised or threatened with up to 20cm of snow… and from the chill and the sound of the wind it’s not unlikely either.

This week has been a total mish-mash of ups and downs and weirdness and unexpected twists and turns…

The bad Stuff

NO ME TIME.

Seriously, I felt like I was booked all week with things. While I generally LIKE to keep busy on the weeks I don’t have the kids, I was also really hoping to have a portion of time to myself this week to get a bunch of cleaning, organizing and unpacking done around the house. Unfortunately with the Easter break messing with the joint custody schedule, the last month I have not had more than 1 weekend at a time without the kids (instead of 2 weekends)… and every weekend they are with ME I have been chauffeuring them to various social obligations.

This week I was booked and most days I didn’t get home until 9pm… so a lot of the cleaning and things that I wanted to do didn’t get done, and I have the kids for the next 2 weekends (and then I only get HALF a weekend when they go to their dad’s LATE for a 1 week “visit”) so some of those things will have to wait for a bit longer.

Don’t get me WRONG, I prefer to have my kids with me… but there are just some things that are easier to do without having to worry about having the kids underfoot. I am hoping, though, that we can get the basement In some sort of order over these 2 weeks so that we can use it as a craft/family area and not just a clutter catcher J.

Weather

Today we are having a “late season” storm. I wish I could easily convey the noise of the wind smashing its fury against the wall and window of my office. I wish I could explain the sleet pelting against the windows, the feeling of being yanked and buffeted about by the wind.

Suffice it to say, things are a bit out of sorts here. I am at work, desperately wishing to get the LAST piece of information I need so I that I can pack up and retreat home before the highway between my work and my home are officially closed. I have spent the day listening to the fury outside and dealing with out-of-sorts engineers and construction workers who have been unexpectedly trapped in our city for the weekend because the highways THEY need to travel ARE closed.

I just want to go home and not have to worry about the anger of the late season storm right now.

Wanting a break

The last few weeks I have just been wanting to get away from it all… but since I moved I have barely had a day to myself to get done what I need to do! So I have been trying to figure out when I can get away and visit Sunil out in the no-so-wilds of Toronto again… I needs me some BIG books.

Things I am not sure how to respond to

The Noodle

Earlier this week I was contacted by the Noodle via FaceBook message. I was shocked that he would bother to contact me at all, given that we haven’t really talked much more than 3 or 4 text messages passed back and forth after I moved (because he still had a set of my keys for the old place).  I had the impression that he had really not been all that interested in me as a date OR a person.

He pointed out that he had visited my blog (which I knew he knew about) and that I had seemed very much more BITTER than I had led him to believe, which had lead him to believe that either I hated him or that I was a very angry and bitter woman.

While I felt disturbed by the way things went, and how much I tried to make this work with him, I took away from it not anger or resentment but what I could have done differently and also what I learned about MYSELF and what I wanted in not only a relationship, but out of my life.

But his feelings are his feelings. He felt that I was bitter. I felt that I had misread a situation and that I should have done better. He felt I was angry. I felt hurt that I misunderstood what we had to be a real relationship when he felt it was casual– and the interpretation of the term that way really hurt my heart.

I was not sure, given the wording of the message, what he was asking for (or had wanted to ask for), but I asked if he would want to go out for “coffee” sometime. I had appreciated the part he had played in my life, and what lessons I learned about who I was and what I wanted… and thanked him for that.

I’m not sure what to think about the situation. In the intervening 2 months since we dissolved our association with each other I have realized how I should have been more forthright and upfront about what I wanted, even when I changed my mind, and clear about my own boundaries.

My response stated all I wanted to say about the ending and my self-recrimination for how things went. It was a catalyst to further understanding of my patterns and what I really want, and that isn’t a bad thing, whether this finalizes any contact we ever have or not.

The good…

(Because I am hoping to sneak away early today for safety reasons, I better make this pretty brief)

In no particular order:

Started an art journal online workshop thing with DirtyFootprints Studio. I have wanted to do this sorta thing for a LONG time, and so when this came up I felt the desire to JUMP and start. I haven’t had a lot of time, yet, to do this stuff… but its not a time sensitive type thing so I am not gonna stress. So far I have only managed to glop colour and gel medium onto 1 page… but I have lots of time yet.

My own HOME! Yes, a LOT of the rooms are still “builder beige” and I really detest that colour, but I am slowly making the space my own. I have So many ideas, just not sure how to get them done. I have started to realize that I need some power tools and some basic know-how… but I don’t have to ask permission and I can do what I need to do to make this place MINE. I can’t express how HAPPY I am as I  walk through my house at night, to realize that this is all MINE and its okay if I change things.

Secret vegetarianism. The weeks that I do not have the kids, I have found that more often than not I eat a mostly vegetarian diet. I am loving cooking things that are less reliant on meats and more flavour based… and I’m looking into going more either vegetarian and cutting down on meats.

My kids will be home in a few minutes, so I am gonna post this and go…

Have a great weekened everyone

When I was a teenager I believed that the right man would be out there, waiting for me. I believed that he would be right for me, no matter what, and I would know who he was and it would be happily ever after.

In high school I dated Jace. We dated for 2 years. We were best friends and lovers. We fought like cats and dogs. We loved each other, but we both knew that in the end we were not “meant” for each other. I moved on and dated other people and married theEx, Jace moved on and dated other people and married. We drifted apart.

In my “senior” or grade 12 year and through the first few years of university I dated ColdBlood. We were not friends, we were lovers. He was cold and calculating, distant, moody, and punitive. I believed I loved him, I believed he loved me. I fell into the cycle of abuse with him, forgiving his outbursts and violent mood swings because of his mental illness and because he promised it would never happen again. I believed he was “THE ONE” and so I was shattered when I walked away from him.

Immediately after leaving ColdBlood I started dating theEx. I was a shattered shell of a woman, believing that there was still some WHITE KNIGHT who would “save” her from the world. I thought that TheEx was that person. He was in turns loving and caring and then insulting and demanding. I believed I was broken and unlovable, and was lucky to have ANYONE interested in me. But the insults, jealousy, demands and utter disregard for my feelings, interests or family got to me and I left.

I jumped from theEx to the LAST person he had accused me of cheating with (and really, I likely wouldn’t have even given this person any sort of consideration if theEx hadn’t been blown away with insane jealousy… I would have likely stayed under his roof, under his control, and continued on the way we had been, but MONTHS before I even left him he started in on me about how Stalker was “eyeing” me and how he didn’t like how he talked to me in the 10 minutes that we attended a FUNDRAISER for my work!!!!)as soon as I left. Again the Stalker was a “White Knight”, come to rescue me from an unhappy marriage. But red flags, verbal and written “shit bombs” and other warning signs chased me away from him within a year…

And I immediately started online dating. I met and dated several men. The Fireman, the Teacher, the Business man… very few men made it to the second date stage. Then there was Reg – aka The Noodle.

At first we seemed to have a lot in common — but it soon became apparent that the things he had said were largely to impress me and not really an accurate reflection of who he was or what he was interested in

In the end I stopped trying, and when he made the move to sever ties I jumped at the chance and haven’t looked back.

 Life is too short to be tied to someone who makes you miserable.

So I have decided to take a break from the dating scene.

Yes, I realize that, given my age it means that I am l likely to be single for the rest of my life… or at least for a VERY long time. I’m good with that, because I realize (maybe late in the game) that I’d rather be alone than with someone incompatible or WRONG for me.

With this in mind, I have been putting some thought into a “dating manifesto” of sorts, for when I feel like I might be ready or willing to look for another relationship.

My Manifesto
….Or, dating requirements and Rules

1. EDUCATION. I need a man who has completed a degree. I don’t care what in, but he has to have successfully completed a degree in some field – and within a reasonably average (aka 4-6 years) amount of time.  It might seem snobbish to some, but it does show that someone can follow through on something that is not necessarily EASY to do, and complete it successfully.
2. WELL READ. I am a reader. I am a writer. I read and I write, and I need someone who can appreciate the beauty of that. I need a man that enjoys reading books and reads for fun and education.  Someone who reads will not only be more likely to have shared interests and education, but will be someone who I can carry on a conversation with.
3. BALANCED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. This one is a bit different, I guess. I need to be with someone who has hobbies/interests of their own – things they enjoy doing before we meet — but that are not obsessive (therefore balanced). I can appreciate someone who is interested in sports, as long as they don’t have their ass glued to a couch or bar stool for EVERY SINGLE SPORTING EVENT EVER CREATED. I can appreciate someone who is a fan of something; as long as they realize that the universe does NOT revolve around their fandom.
4. SHARED INTERESTS/HOBBIES. Obviously I want to find someone who has SOMETHING in common with me, who enjoys the kinds of things that I enjoy. Not EVERY interest or hobby has to be identical to mine though.
5. WILLINGNESS TO BE INTERESTED IN MY THINGS. I take it as a given that I will try to show some interest in his thing… I like to learn new things and I am at least WILLING to make an effort. I tried to like theEx’s music, I tried to understand the appeal of WoW for the Stalker (and I did come to enjoy it after a while), I tried to understand the appeal of football and hockey when I was with Noodle… but not ONE of them ever showed any interest or willingness to be present for things I was interested in. I do not think it is unreasonable that, if I attend football games or hockey games or go to movies that my SO is interested in, that he tries to attend a play, a musical, an opera, or a “chick flick” for me.
6. SPIRITUAL BELIEFS. I don’t want someone who calls themselves a Christian just because they figure that’s what it is if you aren’t something else (as much sense as that makes). If you don’t know the core beliefs of your religion, you aren’t really part of that religious tradition.  I don’t want someone who wants to just go along with whatever someone else tells him to believe, either… I want someone who knows what they believe and believes it because it works for them. 
7. ACCEPTANCE OF DIFFERENCE. Because I don’t expect to find someone who is Pagan/Wiccan or follows my spiritual beliefs, it is important that whomever I date is open to accepting the rights of other people to choose traditions, beliefs, or spiritual paths that are different than what they hold. I could not tolerate someone who feels that they have the answers for ANYONE other than themselves about any lifestyle, cultural, spiritual, or personal choice… someone who cannot accept people the way they are WITHOUT judging them as “wrong” (or misguided or uninformed or… ANYTHING negative) is likely someone who will not be happy with me (or anyone else) who is “different”.
8. SENSE OF ADVENTURE. Again with the openness thing, I need a person who isn’t afraid to try new things and open to learning about new things. I can’t imagine being stuck in a relationship with ANOTHER man who was closed to the idea of trying any new food, going to any new activity, learning about anything, or unwilling to consider travelling. I love learning about new things, trying new things, and having new experiences, so it is vital that any person I partner with will also value these things.
9. ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE. With so many past relationships there was a decidedly one-sided communication flow – I called, texted, and did all the work to make sure that we communicated regularly. Going forward I will let my partner know what I expect and need in terms of communication (I like to talk regularly on phone and I really like getting texts at least once a day, even just to say “hi!!”) if that person can’t or won’t communicate consistently they obviously aren’t right for me.
10. FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY. It is important to me to be financially responsible myself, so I expect the same in any partner I have. That doesn’t mean I necessarily need a man who makes a large income, but that I expect that he would be able to pay all his bills (and on time), and support himself without living beyond his means. If he has kids, I’d expect that he promptly paid his child support and didn’t complain about it all the time, whine about his ex being a “gold digger” for having requested child support, or moan about having to buy things for his children that they need. I know that everyone has times when things aren’t necessarily perfect in their lives, I got behind! But if he gets behind or has a set back that he has a plan to get back on track…
    1. NOT MISERLY. Yes, I expect my SO to willingly, lovingingly, and spontaneously GIVE me things to show he cares. I do this for those I care about, I expect that any man I date for any significant amount of time (longer than 3 months) will also be caring and giving in this way.
    2. NO LOANS. I will NOT EVER loan anyone sums of money. Not even “temporarily” (ie, a few weeks/months) to get back on their feet. I don’t object to buying things, taking turns paying for things, but a man who asks for someone they aren’t married to or related to to bail them out, that’s a HUGE red flag.

RULES FOR DATING ME!

1. 1.       Show up on time.
2. Wear clean clothes and be well groomed.
3. Be willing to go out and do things, even if it is only going for a walk and talking.
4. I will not “PUT OUT” automatically at the three date mark. I don’t know who made up this arbitrary “rule” for dating (is it just for dating past your 20s? after divorce?) but it just isn’t happening. I am not going to have sex with someone until I know if they are really someone I want to spend a serious amount of time with. I know that will limit my “choices” but if someone is only looking for a woman willing to give them the three dates and then fuck them, well I don’t think EITHER of us has the right person.
5. If you want a second date, you have to be willing to make the effort to PHONE me. Not text, not chat online… CALL and invite me out. I am not going to be a booty call. After learning that one the hard way (wince) I now realize that calling a woman is a sure sign of actual INTEREST.
6. If you aren’t polite to others around, if you make off colour comments, slurs, or are just disrespectful I will not go out with you again.
7. 7.       You will not meet my children until I deem that you are someone I want in my life for while.
8. I will not tolerate abuse of any kind… including verbal “teasing” that is derogatory in nature.
9. I will not automatically “love” you.  I have been too hasty in the past and so now I am less willing to make statements of emotion. Also know that, should you profess love it does not get you a free pass to ignore, abuse, or mistreat me in any way.
10. I am not going to give up my spiritual beliefs for you or anyone.
11. 11.   I am not going to give up my hobbies/interests for anyone
12. If you are at my home I control what is on MY TV. If you really MUST watch something desperately, ask or don’t come over. I am willing to compromise, but you have to be willing to watch my things as well.
13. If you want to impress me there are three good ways to do that:
    1. WRITE me something – a card, a poem, a letter
    2. COOK for me (and no, bbqing a hamburger doesn’t count)
    3. SHARE an activity with me, more points if it is something NEW that neither of us have done before

That’s what I have so far…

What do you think? What are your deal breakers or REQUIREMENTS?

In January I wrote out the things I most wanted to change in my life in 2010, rather than writing out resolutions.  I focused on the 5 areas of my life that I felt I needed to change to start getting back to being more fully ME.

The fifth and final (but certainly not least) of these areas was the desire to reconnect to something larger than myself out THERE. I wanted to re-visit, explore, and reconnect my soul to the Divine… even though after 12 years I wasn’t entirely SURE what I “believed” anymore…

So in order to keep myself on track, I have decided that I am going to check in every season to see how I am going, what I forgot, what goals have changed, and what I have achieved.

How have I been doing making changes?

The answer? Not at all.

The biggest thing I have let slide is looking seriously at my spirituality. Why, you may ask (go ahead, ask…)? Well… I was wondering about this too, until I reviewed how I have been feeling lately and realized I haven’t had enough solitary DOWNTIME to really sit and consider what I have been feeling or seeking or WANTING.

If I review the things I wanted to do to make changes:

• Reading – books, magazines, blogs. Learning what sparks my interests and what does nothing for me.
• Writing – getting my blog on over in my spiritual blog, Facing East Again, journaling
• Soul Listening – spending time listening to what resonates with me and what causes dissonance, listening to why I am uncomfortable with this or drawn to that
• Listening – to podcasts, music, interviews… finding out what draws people to something and why
• DOING – spending time creating and using traditions and rituals in my own life, podcasting again, being PRESENT in my own life, giving myself feedback on what does and does not work for me
• Joining – online groups, classes, discussions, meetups, coffees, checking out local groups, searching about national or international groups, maybe even joining the Unitarian church

The only thing in the list that is not a solitary practice is JOINING!! But to get to the “joining” phase I  need to do the other things. And in order to do these things, I need more than a few snatched hours alone!! This is something I have lacked for the last few years – something I either avoided or just couldn’t find a way to get the alone time or I had other obligations…

Which lead to another thing that I really needed to take a serious look at: BOUNDARIES.

Now, boundaries are likely a connecting factor with ALL the things I want to change:

• I need to set physical boundaries in terms of where I live, what is allowed within my physical space, who is allowed within my physical space, and how I decorate my home/space
• I need to set personal boundaries – for my kids, for my family, for friends, for colleagues, for people I interact with, for potential dates, for theEx – and stick to them.
• I need to set boundaries for my TIME
• I need to set boundaries for my finances
• I need to set boundaries for my journey

and as it relates to my SPIRITUALITY, I need to shore up my belief in myself in order to stand FIRM and defend my boundaries – be it not allowing theEx to corner me into discussing financial agreements best handled through the courts or telling other people “no”.

My NEW AFFIRMATION

 I want to become more spiritually aware. I WILL start communing with myself through daily meditations.  I WILL consult the tarot. I WILL join with other people who are seeking spirituality, but avoid the ones who tell me what I HAVE TO DO. I WILL read about spirituality. I WILL share spirituality with my children. I WILL create rituals for myself that connect me to what is important to me, not worrying so much about a specific tradition base. I WILL start TRADITIONS for my children that we can carry forward. I WILL write in my spirituality blog, Facing East Again, and to start doing my podcast again.I  WILL take time for myself, with ONLY myself, and not give in to the needs of everyone else. I WILL find the spiritual in everything I do.So I will.