Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

Instigator….

April25
I have been called an ‘instigator’ by most of my friends. And then you get them all in one room (like for my birthday party) and they all compare NOTES you know… and then it just really looks… bad really…
 
I’m sure they mean it in the nicest possible way. Even being that its *technically* true… kinda…
 
You see… I am the kind of person who likes to think up new plans. I like the concepts of doing things, but I don’t always have the courage to do them myself.
 
But I’m good at “selling” the ideas to people… people whom I can usually talk into doing things.
Its how I got my friend, Serin, to start a podcast (which he seems to have dropped by the wayside) so that he could test out how to do it before I tried to do one (that failed spectacularly, of course).
 
And how the“embrace the suck” project was born, and sorta left by the side of the road.
 
How my friend, G, got sucked into the universe of NaNoWriMo (which I told her about and have subsequently NEVER actually participated in)…
 
Or how about how I started the bi-weekly scrapbook sessions at a local shop, but have only gone 3 or 4 times (because I also started doing the online dating thing and kinda wanted to go on DATES with MEN on Friday nights when I didn’t have the kids… and then started dating Reg… who now doesn’t seem to want to spend weekends with me anyway, but DID 6 months ago when we started out… and really… I might NEED my weekend nights to date AGAIN sometime)…
 
And now I have *almost* talked Serin into doing the speed dating thing.
 
Because, of course, its something I always thought might be kinda interesting… but I haven’t had a chance. When I was newly single I had the Stalker clinging to my ankle like a ball and chain and it was likely he would have shown up to an event like that JUST to keep tabs on me… and then I started dating Reg… and besides that the only 2 events that were held during the time I was doing the online dating thing were on weekends when I had my kids and no babysitter…
 
It is something that I will definately look into if things with Reg go south.
 
(Not that they are… i’m just sad this weekend because it will be the very first weekend (and the first time) in 6 months of dating where I haven’t seen him at least one day out of a week. And that means, if you’re following along here, that I won’t be “getting any” — which for me is practically a TRAGEDY!!! Seven months ago I could barely stand the thought of “hooking up” with a boy, physically, because what I had with theEx and the Stalker was just not really worth it. But my libido has really woken up since I have been dating Reg, and I find that since we only get an opportunity about once a week, I look forward to that… and now I have to wait and wait… because I can’t go out there and he isn’t coming in  :(
 
Colour me sad right now… or frisky…  
But that’s neither here nor there yet… not looking at dumping him… he’s just distracted by his own divorce and custody drama that have come to a head lately (as mine seem to be petering out) 
 
Hey, this girl has NEEDS too… and its come as a big shock to me of all people!)
 
So… the point of the story is that I tend to not want to do things that I think of, but I make people do them and I observe… and I have been wondering if this is more an indication that I am too afraid to really live my life. 
 
It’s well known and well documented that I am afraid to fail at things. I hold impossible standards for myself that I don’t hold for others. I am afraid to write, date, go out and meet new friends, start hobbies, or be rejected.
 
And so I instigate social experiments in order to try out new things without risk of failure…
 
But I don’t WANT to always be that person. 
 
So, this year (my 35th) I have decided I am gonna try to be more than an instigator and try to go out there and DO some of these things MYSELF.
 
OBVIOUSLY, though, Serin is just going to have to go do the speed dating thing FOR me because I am not gonna risk losing Reg over a social experiment.
 
And Serin NEEDS a girl… he might not like me pointing that out, but he does (and quite a few of HIS readers agree with me). The point is just getting him out and out there, where the girls are, to talk to real people face to face!
 
… and to write about it, of course.
 
It isn’t at ALL about entertaining me. (Even though he thinks that it is) (well… maybe a little)… its to break him out of the rut he’s in…
 
And entertaining me… of course. 
 
He’s my best friend, I just want to see him HAPPY at the end of the day… 
 
But I have decided that I will be doing things myself too. 
 
  1. I currently own over 20 blank books. I have decided that I need to start keeping a daily journal again, and what better way to do this than in one of the multitude of blank journals I own? I am gonna take pictures and see if anyone out there is interested enough to give an opinion on which I should use!
  2. Obviously I can blog. I am going to keep up with the blog. And I am gonna try to translate SOME of the blogging into my scrapbooking. I have started an “Embrace the Suck” scrapbook all about myself and the things that make me tick. This will be featured mostly on the Embrace the Suck Project blog, along with my attempts to knit and sew :)  
  3. Back to the Podcast!
  4. More hobbies… but the part that I need to work on is to get OUT THERE and be with other people.
  5. Take my kids travelling (Toronto this year)
  6. RELAX and play more with crafts and stuff…
 
So yeah… less instigating…
 
I do have ONE idea that I’m gonna keep a bit secret for now until I work out how to do it :)
 
(I heard that!!)

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Another Year down…

April20
 Yesterday was my birthday.
 
I turned 35.
 
I’m trying not to have a slight mental breakdown at the thought, “OMG, I’m in my mid-30s!”… Yes, I know… to some people that is not “old”… but its hard when you realize that, you are a “thirty-something” and yet you aren’t where you THOUGHT you should be at this stage in your life. I thought I’d be married to a great man, have a home of my own with a yard and a garden and a nice kitchen, and we’d be settling into life.
 
Instead I’m 35, going through a divorce (and that is dragging its feets), in debt because of my ex and my lawyer, living in a rental basement suite (with no yard of my own, no gardent of my own, and although I have a kitchen I would like to someday have an oven that didn’t BURN everything I try to make (the temp is off)). I mean, I have great kids — but they are only in my life 50% of the time. I have a great boyfriend — but he lives in a different town and therefore we can’t really have any future together (good thing neither of us wants a future right now)… I have cats… and I have plans.
 
Just thought… well… that I would KNOW where i was going by now.
 
I guess that’s not how it works, you never can know where things are going!
 
But it was a busy busy weekend for me.
 
I rushed home from work at 5:00pm, got home at 5:30pm. TheEx dropped the kids off at my home at 5:45pm. I got them cleaned up (why is my daughter ALWAYS covered in something? Geesh!) and GirlChild and I got makeup on (laugh)…
 
And we went to the giantly HUGE airport (Diefenbaker International) to pick up Serin who had agreed to come and visit on his way back between Seattle and Toronto…
Now… airports are a sticky situation for me, because, you see GirlChild has decided that she is afraid of airplanes. Not that she has ever been on one… she’s just afraid of them. So the first few minutes when she found out that we were on our way to the airport she was terrified that I was gonna force her to go ONTO the plane and she was having NOTHING to do with this insidious plot to make her go on vacation against her will (um…. yeah… I don’t KNOW either)…
 
But she realized that she didn’t have to go on the plane, that Serin was coming OFF of the plane instead (and that we’d be driving in the car, not going on a plane)… so she was good with that!
 
At first GirlChild was kinda “not so sure” about this newcomer into her life. She had been assured that I did, in point of fact, KNOW this person, and was reminded that she had spoken to him on the phone (and, had actually given him grief about not having gotten yarn for her for some socks that she had wanted me to knit for her, but which I had needed to get in Toronto… so she had called and actually NAGGED him!!!) and that she had regularily chatted with him over iChat… and then decided that he MIGHT be okay (which in her world meant that she stopped hiding behind me and actually deigned to make eye contact). BoyChild, on the other hand, started off talking about his new Bakugan (I don’t know either) and continued to chatter about it all through supper and until I made them go to bed (late)… good thing ONE of my kids isn’t shy at least.
 
Because I have the weirdest arrangements in my house, I had poor Serin sleeping in the living room… where he apparently spent the entire night being stalked as prey by the cats. I’m sure they sat at either end of the airmattress and just waited for him to twitch all night. 
(twitch)– POUNCE–”HEY!!!!”–repeat… (snerk)
 
Saturday was interesting… the kids got up around 7am… at least that’s when I heard them up. GirlChild went into the living room to inspect Serin again, then came to my bed to tell me that he was still there. I’m sure she spent a good 5 minutes wandering up and down the hall “reporting” to me that he was there, that he had put the blanket over his head, that he was asleep… I bet its hard to sleep with a 6 year old staring at you (and having to lay still or become prey)… so eventually the kids got the adults up and Serin wandered off to have a shower (which meant that the kids could turn on the tv)…
 
Poor Serin got dragged about the city so much that he started recognizing different places (laugh) because we had to go past the same things a bunch of times. I guess its different when you live in such a small city (we can drive across the city in about 15-20 mins)… and often you only have only one of everything (unless its Walmart, we have 3 of those so far) to choose from.
 
I took everyone out for breakfast, then we went to witness BoyChild’s Tae Kwon Do class in the abosolutely FRIGID dojo (I think they had the a/c on already!). We then zipped over to the bank so the kids could deposit all their bottle money (and all the change they had mooched from my purse) into their savings account (and so I could get real money). Then out to Costco…
 
I decided that I could buy myself a birthday present this year (laugh) and decided to get a new crock pot at Costco beause the one I had was clearly inadequate for my needs (I need something that I can program, even rudimentarily, in order to avoid coming home to burned or unfinished meals due to the fact that while the recipe says “cook for 8 hours on high” I am actually not HOME for 10 hours… and I would like something that went from “high” to “keep warm” after 8 or 9 hours so I don’t char the crap out of everything I try to make)… On top of that I needed to get a membership in MY own name (since theEx had obviously decided not to renew “our” account with the money he got back for having the premium membership) so that slowed us down…
 
We had about 2 hours downtime before I remembered (while I was in the shower, of course) that I had promised Megan (from Megan’s Bloggy Blog and Sugar Bites ) that I would be coming over around 3pm to pick up the cake that I had ordered from her! OOPS!! Thankfully its warm (ish) so running out with my hair still dripping wasn’t TOO big a deal…
 
Serin decided that he should play with his GPS to figure out where she lived, and I think the fact that no matter what it said I didn’t follow its instructions (“turn right at Whitney”, “no”, “turn right at Ave X” “no”….), but I think that at least amused Serin for the 15 min drive across the city as I argued with what a GPS thought would be the best route…
 
The cake, as I said before, was absolutely GORGEOUS! And you could TELL it was very chocolatey even before we ate it (it RADIATED chocolate flavour!! YUM!!!) and I would DEFINATELY recommend Sugar Bites to anyone in the area that wanted a beautiful cake made for ANY occassion!!
 
<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/moonie/3458138438/” title=”IMG_8860 by Moonslark, on Flickr”><img src=”http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3611/3458138438_65e182bd1b_m.jpg” width=”240″ height=”180″ alt=”IMG_8860″ />Hand Painted ladybug!</a>
 
See??? The cake even had these sweet little ladybugs on it!! The kids were fascinated by bugs made of icing and everyone wanted one on their piece (laugh).
 
Thankfully, we had a bit of time AFTER we returned from picking up the cake so that I could change GirlChild into her party dress before people arrived (other than Serin, who, by this point was likely exhausted by travelling and being eaten by cats and being dragged all over the small city and having to chat with small people all day)…
 
G showed up first and was re-introduced to Serin (whom she had met 6 years ago at the baby shower I threw myself when I was pregnant with GirlChild)… and I decided that I should likely check with Reg (who has decided he doesn’t want to be referred to as “RGG” because that doesn’t have enough vowels) to see if he was still coming (it was 5pm at that point and I hadn’t heard from him all day, which is really unusual!) with his girls.
 
When Reg and the girls arrived we ordered pizza, and then C and my parents came and everyone made me open presents (which is not my favourite part of parties, I just like excuses to have people visit me!) while the kids ran rampant in the bedrooms, the cats cowered in my room, and the adults nibbled on the fresh fruit and veggie platters…
 
It was really a very NICE little party! Not TOO many people… and everyone seemed to have fun socializing.
 
<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/moonie/3457325083/” title=”IMG_8871 by Moonslark, on Flickr”><img src=”http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3497/3457325083_21126e87e9_m.jpg” width=”240″ height=”180″ alt=”IMG_8871″ />Reg — aka Really Great Guy </a>
 
<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/moonie/3458142544/” title=”IMG_8870 by Moonslark, on Flickr”><img src=”http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3481/3458142544_0d5c898359.jpg” width=”500″ height=”375″ alt=”IMG_8870″ />Paige and Shaylee (Reg’s daughter)… and Gale</a>
<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/moonie/3458152660/” title=”IMG_8884 by Moonslark, on Flickr”><img src=”http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3536/3458152660_82213d3e73_m.jpg” width=”240″ height=”180″ alt=”IMG_8884″ />Reg and I</a>
 
<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/moonie/3458153848/” title=”IMG_8885 by Moonslark, on Flickr”><img src=”http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3499/3458153848_dc663b2712_m.jpg” width=”240″ height=”180″ alt=”IMG_8885″ />Reg, Pam, Cami and Paige with the cake!</a>
So… that’s it for now… I’ll have to disucss Sunday in another post (laugh)
 
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Mental Wanderlust

March30
The boyfriend (aka, RGG) says that I think “too much”.
 
He’s right, you know.
 
I think a lot.
 
I think about everything.
 
And not just important things, but small things that get inside my psyche and trick me into thinking that they are BIG IMPORTANT SCARY things. Things that start off scratching at my consiousness, and become wrapped up in so much worry, like a huge pearl of anxiety… covered with layer after layer after layer of worry and anxiety.
 
I do this. I know I do.
 
I have always felt that putting a lot of conscious thought into things was a strength of mine.
 
But in reality I’m not dealing with things, I’m letting them snowball on me.
This is one of those things that being alone really makes WORSE for me.
 
When I was married I knew that at the end of the day I wasn’t truely alone with the things that were happening in my life, that there was another person out there that could help me. Whether he WOULD help me or not was a completely different matter, because often openning up my mind to theEx would only get me talked down at and treated like a total moron… but there was comfort in knowing that there was another mind out there that could help see things clearly sometimes… whether or not I trusted him enough to reveal to him how badly things were going when he didn’t like me enough to listen.
 
Now I am alone with my thoughts, because I don’t have anyone who I have a right to corner and say “hey, this is worrying me, what do you think?”… there is no one to share the burden with, its all 100% mine to have to carry on my own.
 
And I’m being squashed under it all sometimes..
 
And I’m very new in my relationship to RGG (5 months in now) and I don’t always really know where I stand with him. I don’t want to read ANYTHING into this relationship right now, I don’t want to colour anything with what I want by accident — and so i try to play it cool and keep my issues to myself until they have completely overwhelmed me.
 
The hardest part of being “single” is dating. Dating is both fun and exciting, but at the same time it doesn’t compare to being in a settled, committed relationship. Even with RGG and being an exclusive couple (by which I take it to mean that neither of us dates other people until such a time as we decide to change that arrangement) there is still so much ambiguity in the relationship that every contact, every conversation, could be interpreted badly.
 
Look: I don’t necessarily want to get married, but at the same time there is something to be said about having some form of established and RECOGNIZED relationship. Its a long way off, either way, but there is something great about knowing that there is someone out there that at the end of the day is my PARTNER in life, who weathers the storm WITH me, who strengthens my weak spots, and whose weak spots I strengthen.
 
Right now I am keenly aware of where my weaknesses lay… but I don’t have a life partner, I don’t have prospects for a real partnership, and I’m spinning my wheels attempting to fill in my weaknesses with MY strengths… which are OBVIOUSLY not going to cover MY weaknesses… and even more so tend to make me less and LESS strong because I tend to start to try and bolster my weak spots by focusing all my anxiety on fixing them. But not being truly able to focus on what I am GOOD at, because I am too worried about the things that I am NOT good at… I tend instead to fall apart.
 
There are so many things that I feel are vitally important that I am not really feeling competent with:
  • I am not a financial wizard. Not saying that theEx was (he’s proven otherwise with his not so smart lack of savings and increased levels of debt in the “you can’t take it with you and I want it NOW” attitude he always had) but he always seemed to have concrete REASONING for what he was doing and a PLAN for how to get ahead. Now I look at my finances and I make decisions, but I don’t KNOW if I have the confidence in the system, because I don’t think I have enough information, to make a real go of it.
  • I am not exactly a MATH wizard either. This might sound laughable, until you sit down and think about all the things that you need to be able to do MATHY things
    • paying bills
    • budgeting
    • tipping
    • financial planning (see??? see??)
    • carpentry
    • household repair stuff
    • kid type homework stuff
  • I am not competant with power tools. I know that I COULD likely become more comfortable with these things (which could help with the repairs bit, if I can get over the fact that sometimes I measure 3 times and get 3 completely different numbers… (such is the story of the blinds!!!). I don’t have a clue how to start with a lot of projects, I just have never had any sort of familiarity with building or fixing or doing that sort of household repair, maintainance, or improvement stuff
  • I am not at all sure how most things work. Such as my car. I am not naturally aware of what to do when things break, and I don’t know the necessary rules of maintainance. I know these things are essential for me, but right now my car is having issues… and I am not even sure where to take it because I can’t trust not to be taken to the cleaners (see points 1 and 2) because I am completely ignorant of what is “reasonable”..
 
Because these things feel all out of control, I freak out when things happen. I feel the inexplicable rush of fear when I try to untangle how to go about fixing something, planning something that needs to be done, or looking at my bills. I worry about my finances and making ends meet. I make stupid spending decisions. I put things off. I feel weaker and weaker because these are the things that, up until 2 years ago, theEx did FOR me.
 
I know I need to stand on my own now, and it scares me that I am still not entirely comfortable doing that, that I still want to have a partner who can help me with the overwhelming bits. I am good, for the most part, at keeping things clean, cooking, baking and housework. I am good at remembering appointments and getting people where they need to go. 
 
But what if there is no one out there who NEEDS me? Certaintly the things I am “strong” at are not really necessary and they aren’t special. Anyone who is strong enough in themsleves to make their life alone and keep a budget and a house and stay strong through every crisis will NOT have need for the stupid “womanly arts” bullshit that is all that I seem to be able to offer.
 
Which only leaves me one choice: Learn to be strong enough on my own, because I am too weak to offer strength to someone else.
 
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Big Giant Bundle of ANNOYED

March27
Yes, today I am a giant bundle of annoyed. Most of it I have directed at the legal profession, and more specifically theEx’s lawyer… but to some extent my lawyer is being painted with the same brush too.
 
I just really wish they would say what they MEAN or be CLEAR.
 
But that’s too much to ask of anyone trained in the legal profession, apparently.
 
Or Engineers.
 
Yes… today is “hate the Engineer” day too… follow along here (theEx is/was a Professional Engineer)…
 
There is no way to ruin a day FASTER than to have to talk to a legal representative early in your day and try to figure out what the opposing counsel is trying to get at WHEN SHE HASN’T EXPLAINED it.
 
Basically… I have a smaller debt load than my legal counsel thought I would have… but because the house sold BEFORE they could start the divorce proceedings there is still outstanding issues (sigh) and so I’m forced to estimate my legal bills so I can try for a consolidation loan to pay my debts so I can manage everything.
 
Damn lawyers. She (theEx’s counsel) that they were demanding extra from me to  him… no explaination about EXACTLY what she was going towards. I had to wait for MY legal guy to let me know what she was thinking…
 
Still very annoyed.
 
Today is just annoying to me. I am feeling all anxious and prickly and not at all sure about anything… and to make matters worse because RGG had the day off today he didnt’ text me this morning (which makes me sad because I like that small “touch” across the distance) and he won’t be coming in tonight like he usually does, and I’m not entirely sure if I’ll be seeing him this weekend OR next weekend.
 
I think its a statement that *I*miss him a lot and feel really lonely when I don’t see him or talk to him, but that he doesn’t feel the same way. It kinda bothers me that I have to initiate contact all the time, that he rarely phones me because he misses me, and that suddenly he’s backpeddling about previous conversations.
 
Maybe its just a matter of time? I’m trying to be “meh” about it, because if he’s not feeling it I’d rather he not feel like he has to continue with it. We’ve both “settled” in the past, and I don’t want that again, so right now I’m just leveling down any outright expressions of anxiety, cutting back a bit on trying to keep in contact, and focusing more on ME rather than any US that might very well not exist outside my stupid thoughts…
 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to give up yet. I just don’t have the capacity to keep pushing for what is hidden underneath the jokes all the time, I’m willing to just watch how things shake out a bit more than trying to guide things to become ANYTHING.
 
I know I will be fine on my own. I am not worried about it. I can start over, if I have to, and I will eventually get what I need too… I know this. I know that RGG MIGHT or might not be my future… and things will work out as they will. I’m not going to just “settle” for someone who isn’t sure they really want to work on things too… I am not going to be the one doing all the work for nothing anymore… If I wanted that I would have stayed married to theEx. Or even stayed with the Stalker…
  
The thing is that I expect SO LITTLE from him already that I don’t want to change that. I don’t expect him to phone  but I’d like it. I don’t expect him to care about my life or my thoughts but it would make me feel wanted and special if he did show interest. I don’t expect flowery words or gifts. I don’t expect to go out together or do anything alone or date like. I don’t expect him to mark important dates. We don’t really “date” anyway… I’m feeling more the “chick he bangs” than anything else… 
 
Things might change. Things might not. 
 
I’m not gonna push it because I don’t want another man settling for me when I’m not what they want. 
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I’m still alive, this time I’m SURE

March24
So… its been a while. 
 
My life kinda took a sideways slide last week, which was freaky, scary, unfortunate, and really made me not want to write anything about anything.
 
It took a LOT of talking to the people who matter the most to me, confiding in those I love, and some professional information and advice… but perspective has now been gained.
 
Things are not COMPLETELY resolved… there is still a giant question mark hanging over some aspects of my life, there are still fragments of my relationships that either can or cannot be repaired.
 
For one thing, I do not really know where I stand with RGG right now… but then again, I never really KNEW where I stood with him, other than he loves me and I love him — there isn’t any rush right now and there isn’t any “next level” to move to with him…
 
So if things survive THIS mess then we’ll be good.
 
If not… well… I repair myself again… pull myself up by my bootstraps once more… and allow myself to start dating again. Hell… someone has my signed up for EHarmony anyway… I might as well put it to good use.
 
No reason to be TERRIBLY pessimistic either way yet…
 
There is a certain amount of clarity here, though…
 
In some ways there is a definition set in my life, clarity of who belongs… who DESERVES to be a part of my life… who I can count on, lean on, or trust… and who I definately do not feel I can count on, lean on or trust…
 
More than that, it has clarified just WHO I don’t want in my life. And WHY.
 
Not that I didn’t already have an idea… but as my dismay and fear and sadness and self-loathing turned from inward directed anger towards… well… facing the reality of the situation and where my anger should truely BE directed…
 
And that’s all I can say about THAT…
 
<hr>
 
Things have been… wild to say the least.
 
Last week, amid the personal issues I was having that had me in a mental tailspin for 7 days, I had things going on with the kids teh entire week…
 
Monday I had to run out with the kids so that BoyChild could buy a present for a birthday party that he was invited to. It was important to him, so we made it a priority.
 
Tuesday each child had something that they needed to do… and so I had to implore theEx to help out. He took GirlChild to her Irish dance recital and I took BoyChild to his school science fair and watched him while he explained his experiment to the adults who came in.
As an aside, I was actually pleasantly surprised to see not only ONE rather “goth” mother (she had  piercings through both cheeks, her nose (which I have too) and her hair dyed black) wearing a pentacle… but there was also a rather “suburban SAHM” type openly wearing a pentacle in the school… as well as a few kids proudly and publicly wearing their own signs of Pagan faith. I wish, at times, that I could wear my symbols of faith as openly as all that. I know, too, that I could never give my children a pentacle without risking the heated WRATH of their grandfather..
Wednesday came and BoyChild had a birthday party to attend to after school. So GirlChild and I rushed around after I got her from daycare and picked him up from the party… 
 
Thursday I had to have enough invitations for GirlChild’s birthday party ready and in her bag so she could invite all her little friends from her kindergarten class. After school we had time to go and get a quick snack to tide the kids over before we were due back at their school for a Parent/Teacher interview with BoyChild’s teacher, Educational Assistant, and resource teachers (thankfully he seems to be doing better, he’s not where most kids his age are yet, but he’s been improving, and that’s better than getting worse)… 
 
And Friday I had to rush around to get the kids to theEx’s new apartment after daycare… and back home (instead of being allowed to go out to RGG’s) to hang out with G for the evening.
 
Saturday I had to get a bunch of things done… I had to get my oil changed and new windshield wipers, I had to check some stuff out for RGG, I had to pick up a few groceries, I had to get some materials for a new project… and after I was done all that I was invited to go out to visit RGG and his girls.
 
Although I was thinking he only wanted me to go out for the afternoon, he decided that I should come out and stay for the remainder of the weekend and leave Monday morning…
 
The weekend was stressful with all the stuff I have been trying to get through, and the newest tailspin that I had been placed in was still weighing VERY heavily on my mind. I had a lot of moments of time this weekend when I seriously thought that it might be a VERY GOOD IDEA for me to just pack up my heart and walk away from RGG. Thankfully he’s got a much cooler head (and a much more logical and less emotionally driven thought process) than I have and decided that we were NOT going to jump to conclusions at all over the whirling mess of my life… because things were not certain OR finalized and it was best to just let things shake out and deal with them first.
 
Right now:
  • I am finalizing a house sale with my ex, which has caused me a bit of concern over the amount of debt I will be experiencing once things are finalized. I feel a bit more up in the air about this than I thought I would
  • I have now been given everything from my marriage that I will EVER get back — and I experienced the final LOSS of my marriage through the simple fact that no matter how hard we tried we could NOT get my couch into my apartment. I know that I have 3 love seats, and that it is PLENTY of seating… but I wanted my couch… and now I have had to give it away… and it still makes me sad.
  • My lawyer is STILL dragging his goddammed feet about the freaking divorce. I know that there are a million small details to complete before the debts are finalized and all… but HOLY F**K man, when I asked him in JANUARY (the 13th to be exact) how long it took to draw up the divorce paperwork along with the separation agreement and he said “maybe 1 or 2 hours??” and its been 2 months and NEITHER side has started it yet??? FUCKFUCKFUCK!!
  • I thought I’d have the divorce paperwork STARTED before I turned 35… but… despite not having that going yet I am STILL turning 35. I have decided since no on ever gives a fuck about my birthday anyway I am not going to have one this year… that’s it
  • I know that anytime I lend money I have to expect not to be repaid. I am more worried about saying anything about it, because I don’t want to make a big deal about it  and its more of a trust issue than a NEED for the money back
  • I haven’t done my taxes, and I have the kids coming back to me on friday, which means I have to wait ANOTHER week, or beg SOMEONE to take them for an hour (which is unlikely to happen) before I can get this done. As well, my fucking ex went outside of the written agreement and is forcing me to declare an extra month’s worth of spousal support on my taxes, so I am worried that instead of getting money BACK I will have to PAY money in for the first time in years… 
    So… yeah… I’m a stress monkey
 
 
 
 
 
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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