Frozen Nowhere

I have been called an ‘instigator’ by most of my friends. And then you get them all in one room (like for my birthday party) and they all compare NOTES you know… and then it just really looks… bad really…
 
I’m sure they mean it in the nicest possible way. Even being that its *technically* true… kinda…
 
You see… I am the kind of person who likes to think up new plans. I like the concepts of doing things, but I don’t always have the courage to do them myself.
 
But I’m good at “selling” the ideas to people… people whom I can usually talk into doing things.

Its how I got my friend, Serin, to start

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 Yesterday was my birthday.
 
I turned 35.
 
I’m trying not to have a slight mental breakdown at the thought, “OMG, I’m in my mid-30s!”… Yes, I know… to some people that is not “old”… but its hard when you realize that, you are a “thirty-something” and yet you aren’t where you THOUGHT you should be at this stage in your life. I thought I’d be married to a great man, have a home of my own with a yard and a garden and a nice kitchen, and we’d be settling into life.
 
Instead I’m 35, going through a divorce (and that is dragging its feets), in debt because of my ex and my lawyer, living in

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The boyfriend (aka, RGG) says that I think “too much”.
 
He’s right, you know.
 
I think a lot.
 
I think about everything.
 
And not just important things, but small things that get inside my psyche and trick me into thinking that they are BIG IMPORTANT SCARY things. Things that start off scratching at my consiousness, and become wrapped up in so much worry, like a huge pearl of anxiety… covered with layer after layer after layer of worry and anxiety.
 
I do this. I know I do.
 
I have always felt that putting a lot of conscious thought into things was a strength of mine.
 
But in reality I’m not dealing with

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Yes, today I am a giant bundle of annoyed. Most of it I have directed at the legal profession, and more specifically theEx’s lawyer… but to some extent my lawyer is being painted with the same brush too.
 
I just really wish they would say what they MEAN or be CLEAR.
 
But that’s too much to ask of anyone trained in the legal profession, apparently.
 
Or Engineers.
 
Yes… today is “hate the Engineer” day too… follow along here (theEx is/was a Professional Engineer)…
 
There is no way to ruin a day FASTER than to have to talk to a legal representative early in your day and try to figure out what the opposing counsel

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So… its been a while. 
 
My life kinda took a sideways slide last week, which was freaky, scary, unfortunate, and really made me not want to write anything about anything.
 
It took a LOT of talking to the people who matter the most to me, confiding in those I love, and some professional information and advice… but perspective has now been gained.
 
Things are not COMPLETELY resolved… there is still a giant question mark hanging over some aspects of my life, there are still fragments of my relationships that either can or cannot be repaired.
 
For one thing, I do not really know where I stand with RGG right now… but then again, I never

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