Frozen Nowhere

Starting over and learning to love MY life…

New and Old and Newer and Done and Doing

March13
So… I’m gonna update everyone (yay!) and see where this goes. Because writing, at least for me, seems to be more a process of talking to and discovering myself than really imparting ANY sort of information or interesting tidbit about anything that has anything to do with me…
 
Just so you are aware… really…
 
Anyway…
 
As I have been musing about lately, I am in the middle of a bit of an upheaval right now. The house that I bought with theEx sold and theEx has to move all his (and my) stuff out in the next 2 weeks while I have the kids.
 
This has caused some trouble for me.
 
I have to move out the furniture that he is required to give me back. TheEx wanted me to let HIS movers do it (at a cost to me of about $350 for 2 hours work), I wanted to find a cheaper way to do it. I’m worried that I won’t be able to fit the couch into the apartment and that theEx would then TAKE it back and leave me without.
It’s a distinct possibility, given the state of his assholery lately.
 
And knowing very well that I can’t afford to get new furniture to replace everything that he has kept doesn’t help the feeling of quiet desperation that I have when I think of that couch NOT fitting down the stairs or into the living room.
 
My other moving option, is to rent a Uhaul myself and see if I can rustle up a few helpers to drag the damned furniture from theEx’s living room into the Uhaul, drive the Uhaul to my apartment, and drag all the furniture through the backyard, down the stairs and into my living room. This option would likely cost me around $150, which is way less than the $350 theEx wants to charge me for 2-3 hours of time for his movers (at $60-80/hr — I don’t know why he’s quoting me at $350 when I would get $160-240 for that amount of time).
 
The problem is that the only helper I could get would be RGG. I have asked all the guys at work, and they don’t really want to do it (even for pizza and beer… I mean, really, its 30 mins of work!! all told, and driving things, but they don’t want to do it), and I can’t see how RGG and I alone can move things that are that heavy, especially with a min of 2 kids (maybe up to 4 of them) underfoot while we do it.
 
I might just bite the bullet and accept that I have to pay theEx to get my stuff (and hope that his movers can get my stuff in).
 
But this weekend I am working on REARRANGING the living room.
 
After all I have to fit in the couch and now 2 loveseats AND 2 additional livingroom tables (coffee table and end table)
 
And rearranging my living room has spilled over into rearranging my bedroom (which thankfully is pretty empty)… 
 
But moreso it will mean rearranging the way I do things. 
 
My laptop will be going into my bedroom and out of the living room. That will mean a change it the way that I deal with my time when I am alone. Instead of hiding out online all the time, I will be freeing myself up to spending time in my living room. I am hoping I get more of my hobbies done — needlework, scrapbooking, knitting, writting. But it will also mean that my living room will once more be the social hub of my home.
 
And I want better tv programming to facilitate the movement of the socialness from the bedrooms to the living room area.
 
Which means I need to ask my landlords if I am allowed to have satellite.
 
I am afraid to ask.
 
I realize the worst that they can say is “no“… and then I am stuck with the sucktacular situation that I am in now, with the barest minimum of channels that sometimes come in, where I can’t reliably catch most tv shows I like because sometimes the channel fuzzes out on me or I can’t stand the flickering on some channels, or I just don’t have the option to watch things at a time when I have TIME (ie, after the kids are in bed) the way I could when I had satellite.
 
But I am willing to pay for it on my own. I don’t really WANT to share with the upstairs neighbors to split the bill and the access (since I don’t really KNOW them it seems problematic) and there is a possibility I could get on my mother’s account too, to save money (which I couldn’t do if I have to share with the upstairs people)…
 
I can only ask and find out. They did say that I could get a better cable package if I was wanting to pay for it (cable is considered part of my rent, like water and internet) so I can’t see why they wouldn’t allow me to put up a small dish if I was willing to pay for that…
 
Doesn’t help me not to be afraid to ask.
 
I’m not good asking for things. When I first moved into the suite I didn’t have the internet password, and I was afraid to ask my landlord (who lived upstairs at the time and whom I had worked with in a capacity where I had been over HIM in the organization) for access. When my furnace broke on the first super cold night of the year, when my shower broke, when my kitchen sink started backing up… all these times I was afraid to go to the landlord for help. I am used to doing things on my own, and I feel like an interloper in my own home because I don’t OWN the space… 
 
Its something I have to get over, if I want to make things better for myself.
 
So there is that. If I can get permission I will be getting real tv, which will also promote my spending more time doing creative work in my living room and likely spending less time zoning out online. Which has both positive and negative consequences for me.
 
Its a change I need to make, the limiting of online time.
 
I don’t expect that it will come easily, though. Having 90% of my communication paths online, talking to friends and family via email and various IM programs, it will prove difficult to wean myself off.
 
Its something that I have to do, at least for a bit. 
 
I have so many craft things on the go and so much feeling that I really WANT to be focusing on, but for so long I have lived in the belief that I *HAVE* to be online at night, that I have nothing else that I can do with my evenings (especially when the kids are in bed and I can’t go to the gym and there isn’t anyone who can come over and visit or talk to on the phone) and I have nothing to watch on tv.
 
That’s changing, if I can help it.
 
I will have places to SIT. I will have my table to work on. I will have my lamp to stitch by. And I will ask about the tv situation.
 
I don’t have to be online only (although I will likely still be online a few nights a week) and I think that my creativity will thank me in the end…
 
I feel better sitting watching tv and knitting or doing cross stitch, doing yoga, playing wii (fit, of course), and not worrying about who might be ignoring me online.
 
Those are the changes going on….
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Still too cold

March11
 
That is EXACTLY how I have been feeling this past winter. Stiff upper lip be damned, its been too cold for TOO long and I am tired of it.
 
I am tired of
  • being indoors 
  • shivering
  • gasping for breath
  • sinus headaches
  • scraping car windows
  • starting my car several times a day so I can be assured that it will GO when I am done work
  • having to practically SIT on my space heater
  • no fresh air that doesn’t HURT
  • snow
  • cold
  • WIND CHILLS
  • being chilled
 
Winter here is bad enough normally, but when the winter never abates it just becomes too much to bear. I am feeling cranky and weepy and just out of sorts.
 
Not to mention that LAST week Mother Nature dangled the “spring” carrot in front of us by granting us a few short days of almost seasonal weather. 
 
Only to have the promise of the first NICE weekend in MONTHS (where the kids could maybe get OUTSIDE for a bit without turning into ice sculptures) cruelly ripped away by a non-forecasted blizzard on Thursday.
 
Dammit.
 
I am not one to really get SAD symptoms. Generally I make use of what little sunlight we get (Hell, we get a lot of SUNLIGHT its just that we don’t get any of the WARMTH) during the winters and hunker down and wait for the pain that heralds the snow-mold season… AKA spring in Saskatchewan
 
But this winter I have been having a really hard time dealing with the unseasonable and UNENDING cold weather and grey days.
 
The weeks alone haven’t been helping.
Having RGG in my life has been some consolation… being able to call him or IM him or text him or even go out to his house for the night once in a while has been what has been keeping me going all winter, but even that is starting to lose its effect on my mood.
 
No… its not that I’m less twitterpated with him… its just that the longer the winter goes on with the uncommonly FREEZING ASS COLD below -25c temperatures the less ANYTHING seems to be able to make me feel any better about things…
 
My ass is seriously DRAGGING here… I am so uninterested in everything in my life (betcha can’t tell with all the writing I’m doing) that I have been trying what I consider EXTREME measures to get my ‘mojo’ back…
 
Getting satellite tv.
 
Yeah, I ordered my satellite tv package from Starchoice (a Shaw TV company (laugh)) last night, and have been assured by the lovely email post that I received back that they will be contacting me within 48 hours (or 48 BUSINESS hours… which is like a week) to schedule a time for them to come and set up my system.
 
Sadly, I’m really looking forward to having tv.
 
And I’m looking forward to having something for the kids to watch that ISN’T TreeHouse…
 
Seriously… what is “In the Night Garden“? That show gives me nightmares!!
 
The kids laugh… but its true… Teletubbies were bad… Boobah was worse… Night Garden is some sort of drug induced kid crack!
 
((SHUDDER))
 
Anyway… I also ordered the Movies package with the system… so I can watch HBO shows and movies… RGG has gotten me addicted to Entourage (although I have only seen the first 3 seasons and about 1/3rd of the 4th season, and the 5th season isn’t out on DVD until June… sad that i know that, isn’t it??)… and before I moved into my own place I was addicted to BIG Love (although I will have to buy or rent the first few seasons to figure out what is going on)…
 
RGG is disappointed that I didn’t get any extra sports channels, preferring my own favourites (which he doesn’t subscribe to) such as A&E, TLC, Food Network, and H&G Tv….oh well… i know that I will still have enough sports to keep the boy occupied…
 
I do have the Wii after all… gives the boy something to do when he’s not interested in what I’m doing (or I’m out scrapbooking or something)…
 
Boys + Video Games = LOVE
 
My plan is to spend more time at home doing my creative stuff in the living room (although ALL my creative stuff is now shoved into my bedroom) and less time annoying the hell out of people online…
 
More Creativity + Less going out = Happier Pam
 
Now if I could only incorporate a graph here my entry would be complete :)
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A weekend “off”

March9
So… like I wrote previously, I was planning on making changes to the set up of my apartment this weekend.
 
And that is just what RGG and I did yesterday.
 
This weekend was GREAT (even despite 4 screaming kids most of the time)…
 
It all started… last week (laugh)
 
(cue wavey lines and flash back type effects here)
Last week I was starting to feel a bit weirded out by the fact that RGG has been having telecommunications issues — basically, for about 1 month I was unable to chat with him on IM and he was not able to call me (and given my cell plan, calling him was getting expensive) and I was starting to wonder if I had just done something wrong.
 
And then last Wednesday they fixed his phone lines  and he actually called me, after 1 month … And the conversation went something like this:
 
<RINGING CELL — I really need to have a special ring for RGG>
me: “hello?”
RGG: “hi babe!”
me: “what’s wrong?”
RGG: “Nothing, I just missed you. Can’t I call because I missed you?”
me: “oh, (flustered), of course, but you usually don’t call me, I thought something was wrong!”
RGG: (laughing) “no, its just you haven’t come out this week… I missed you and my phone works so I can call again!”
 
 When I told my friend S about the conversation he accused me of being a bit passive-agressive (laugh), which is not my intention at all… I was simply confused (and not sure if he was calling me on his cell, which is long distance charge for him) and if there was something wrong… I never meant it as a “you never call me” type of guilt thing, but an “OMG, did something happen to one of the kids” type reaction…
 
But its all good…
 
Since Wednesday we have re-established the phone calls, and we have fixed the MSN issue (for some reason his MSN account had blocked SEVERAL of his friends while he was offline for a month)…  and things are good.
 
Friday I took half the day off, having to go to the bank and the lawyer and sign things and get groceries and stuff… and although I was 45 minutes EARLY getting home (I normally get home from work at 5:45pm, this time I was there around 5:00pm) theEx was STILL sitting there in his black SUV waiting when I arrived home!!!
Seriously, how does he DO that every time he drops the kids off???
 
The first thing that the kids said to me when they bounded out of the SUV was “can we invite them (meaning RGG and his girls) for supper??” And I told them that I had already invited them all over and that we were going to have Chinese food for supper…
 
I know theEx was impressed by this all… but he can hold his tongue. After all he’s not exactly squeeky clean, he:
  • whines constantly about paying support and having to clothe his children, but can run off to the carribean for a week long vacation
  • didn’t tell either MYSELF or the kids WHERE he was going when he left the country
  • won’t tell me where he is moving this coming weekend (so how can I drop the kids off or pick them up, eh??)
  • is apparently taking another vacation the end of March/beginning of April
  • is denying he’s dating a woman who apparently isn’t terribly fond of children, although she has 2 puppies she can’t control
 
What. Ever.
 
I know that in a few months I will be divorced from him. And I’m good with that.
 
So… we ordered Chinese, RGG and his girls came over… we ate and put the kids to bed. And surprisingly there were no fights to get them to sleep.
 
The weekend was good, other than not being able to breathe at all… Saturday RGG and I and my kids (his girls went to their grandmother’s for the afternoon) did a bunch of errands before we all came back to my place for pizza (RGG claims to be a “pizziologist” since he was highly involved in Domino’s Pizza for most of his adult life) which we managed to not burn too much (my oven is hooped!!)… and then taking ALL FOUR kids to a live hockey event…
 
While at the hockey game my asthma started really bothering me, and by the time we were ready to leave it was to the point that RGG and my kids were “concerned” about me and the difficulties I was having breathing and talking.
 
We came back to my place (RGG with only one girl in tow, since the youngest decided she’d rather go to grandma’s) and RGG did most of the work getting the kids into bed and settled, set up my new computer desk in my bedroom, and helped me get settled.
 
My breathing calmed down the constriction in my chest eased, and I (unfortunately) passed out cold on RGG while we were watching tv and relaxing. So we went to bed and both passed out cold until about 8am when the 3 kids got up.
 
Sunday I was feeling a lot better, so RGG and I got up, got moving (grin) and we got things moved around in my house. The kids played in the bedrooms while RGG organized my house for me (what a great boyfriend I have):
  • he installed blinds in the kitchen window
  • moved the book shelf and craft shelves to my room
  • moved the PC tower to the computer desk in my room
  • reorganized my closets
  • moved my entertainment system and rewired it
  • mapped out where we’d put everything when I get my furniture this coming week
 

IMG_8665BEFORE BEDROOM
IMG_8730AFTER BEDROOM

Now my bedroom is really FULL of things… (the only thing I don;t have in my room is a tv, which I have never had in my room and which I have never really NEEDED in my bedroom)… and its a bit crowded… and my living room is absolutely BARREN!!!

IMG_8632Living room BEFORE
IMG_8735Living room AFTER

 
Pam’s Life lessons:
  • My daughter will mimic the behaviour that annoys me most, if given a chance
  • my son will do things to be passive agressive and get negative attention
  • Girls love to scream
  • My son loves hockey, who knew? The girls love ice cream.
  • I have the best boyfriend in the world
  • Sometimes having someone point out how rediculous it is that you have so much stuff you don’t use 
posted under My Life | 1 Comment »

Hi there, long time no see

March3
I am finding myself in a good mood this morning, which is a surprise because I have been feeling a bit uneasy for the past few days and I can’t quite put my finger on WHY.
 
This past month has definately had its ups and downs.
 
Ups:
  • RGG said he loved me out loud. I mean, I KNEW that already since we had been dancing around it for a few weeks before he said it, but it was nice that he actually said it out loud. I have to admit that I was kind of shocked, because we had been joking around and watching a romantic movie at the time and he went all suddenly serious on me and told me that he had to tell me something. I have to admit that I tend to think the worst in situations like that (laugh) but it was good.  In case there was any doubt I told him I loved him too…
  • We have had a lot of time together this month, both with and without the kids.
  • My house sold.
  • I will be getting some of my furniture back.
  • I have been getting to the gym once or twice a week and doing Wii Fit to keep getting in shape. I have not lost or gained any weight, but have gotten up to 110lbs and maintained it. I had previously dropped to about 103 lbs.
  • I got my hair done and I love the way it looks, and even better, I like that I have no more gray showing.
  • I had RGG’s good friend do my hair for me, which gave me a bit of time to get to know her (she’s very important in his life, and therefore I want to make sure she’s okay with me too) and get a little more dirt on him (laugh)… I came away with the knowledge that RGG is “the nicest man on the planet”… this is apparently a sore spot for him, as a few (at least 2) women had used that as a reason not to be with him. But for me, having a truely “nice guy” is a great thing.
    • and he is the “nicest guy on the planet”. Sometimes I can’t believe how truely caring and considerate he is, given that he’s, well… a man. I mean, here is a man that is concerned about what I want to do, how I feel, making me comfortable, and making sure that everyone around him gets their needs met as well as HIS. The only thing I can complain is that he always forgets NOT to give me “love bites” (laughing) and then thinks he’s funny… (I kinda think its funny too, jsyk)
  • I haven’t heard from the Stalker for a while, which I am taking as a sign that he’s finally decided to move on and stop trying to “be friends” by throwing nasty emails at me over and over. I don’t know what I will do with the blank book that he gave me, maybe I should just send it back… but that might be encouragement
  • Have been discussing the possibility of taking a trip with RGG. I can’t say for sure that this will ever happen, but its a nice thing to think about. I am sure that we will eventually take a trip out to Edmonton, but I can’t really see (right now) a way to take a longer trip somewhere outside of Canada. Not with both of us having to juggle jobs and finances and kids’ schedules. But we can try, and we can plan, and maybe we can make it happen.
 
Of course, not EVERYTHING has been 100% great around here. As my mother would say “In every life a little rain must fall”… and so… 
 
DOWNS:

  • Still haven’t had the divorce papers given to my from my lawyer. Yes, the house has sold, yes things are progressing, but I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel here, and that means having the divorce finalized. So much is riding on this:

    • I want to know, definitively, how much I owe my lawyer so I can start to PAY that off

    • I need to know how much marital debts I will have after the house sale, so I can get a loan to deal with paying that back

    • I want to change my name back to my maiden name

    • I want to get a passport IN MY MAIDEN NAME

    • I don’t want to be MARRIED to theEX anymore. I mean, I have no plans to get remarried, but the fact that he still has a legal hold on me ticks me off. I know I will be tied to him for a considerable amount of time because of the kids, but I do not have to be legally “his” especially since the lawyers agreed that we’ve met all the requirements to get a divorce

    • I want to throw a PARTY (laugh) to celebrate my freedom from theEx… 

  • I have been having anxiety issues for the last month that I can’t account for. I know that things have been crazy, and the re-appearance of the Stalker (even briefly) in my life has hindered me feeling comfortable in my own home, but the anxiety has really hit me a few times.

    • I have realized that I am getting comfortable with RGG and being in his home, but I am still a bit uncomfortable in his space.

    • I know RGG understands how it feels to have a panic attack, that doesn’t make it any less embarassing when I get sideswiped by anxiety I can’t control.

    • I want to KNOW what is triggering it, so I can face it down and deal with it.

  •  I have had periods of time where I have really doubted RGG and how he feels, especially given that he’s almost completely cut out ALL avenues of communication during weekdays. That means, not only is he not on MSN anymore he isn’t online at all, and he doesn’t phone me. It makes me very ANXIOUS (yes, i know, this is likely one of the many triggers here) because I feel communication is important. He says its a telecommunications issue — that he’s having problems with his internet and phone — and I believe him, but I still feel weird about not having a way to talk to him during the week. I feel anxious that he might be doing it on purpose, that it might be some sort of test, and so every time I reach out and phone him I might be potentially FAILING this test.  I hate “tests” like that…

  •  Missing my kids. I am not used to the 2 week break from my kids, and not having them in my life makes me question my identity — when I don’t have my kids with me I feel like my identity of “mother” has been ripped away from me, and I hate the feeling that by allowing theEx to have joint custody with me I have admitted that I am not a good mother. I would MUCH RATHER have my kids 100% of the time and NOT have time away from them… but he finds that unacceptable.

  • Finances. Taxes, savings, RRSPs, debts, plans for the future… its all becoming a bit overwhelming. I want to consolidate what I owe so that I can start to work towards 3 things:

    1. becoming debt free again

    2. gathering a down payment for a place of my own

    3. planning the trip for my kids and I to DisneyWorld, Orlando, that they have been talking about for years

  • Things I need to deal with that I don’t want to deal with, such as having to buy things for my house to have it set up correctly, GirlChild’s birthday, and having to move all my furniture around, hoping that my furniture that is being returned to me next weekend will FIT, having to worry about buying more clothes for the kids to wear…

 
Mostly things are going well. I am working on my own issues, trying not to focus too much on RGG (and hoping desperately that he is NOT playing some sort of game or putting me to some kind of test right now that I am SURE that I am failing), and just trying to get my house and affairs in order for the upcoming changes in my life. I have made a few attempts to put out a new podcast… and I have plans for the long stretch of this week without RGG in my life which mostly involve cleaning my house (for the inevitable destruction when the kids come back), baking and trying to move things around for the return of the prodigal furniture.
 
This week I will endeavor not to be bugging the man (laugh) by calling all the time. I have a whole house to clean. I have knitting to start. I have tv programs to watch (again, thanks to the man I have started following a few shows that I had dropped because I had lost MOST of the tv channels I loved when my landlord decided to cut the cable on me and I never did get anything but the first 12 channels back, much to the annoyance of my kids (I might have to ask permission to get satellite installed so I can watch things I like again the weeks I am alone)). I have baking to do. I have friends to catch up with. Dammit, I have a podcast to do. And I have to figure out how to move things around in the house to make things more efficient — the computer to my room, move tables around, move things into my room, get rid of things that are in my room, pull the entertainment system over a bit, figure out where to get mattresses and bed linens for the kids’ beds — and I want to finally hit the yoga class now that G has joined the gym I go to.
 
Maybe I can pass RGG’s “test” after all… 
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Is it me?

February24
Right now I am feeling the “its not you, its me” thing.
 
Its not that I don’t like RGG, hell… I love the boy. And I mean the weird mooshy-gooshy romantic sort of love, not the “you’re my friend and I love you, man” sorta love.
 
But I find myself a bit… scared right now.
 
You see… I want to spend time with him. A lot of time. Hell… I would like to go to bed with him every night, and wake up with him every morning. I would like to cook for him and clean up after him. I would like to fight with him and make up with him…
 
I am, quite frankly, twitterpated.
 
Yep… gobsmacked in love with this guy.
 
And all my instincts are telling me to RUN… do not pass go, do not collect $200… just run before I get into trouble.
 
Not sure what KIND of trouble. As I have discussed, there isn’t anywhere for this to GO right now. We can’t move in together. We can’t rush into marriage (since right now neither of us CAN remarry). I can’t get pregnant. We aren’t likely to rush into joint purchasing. There really isn’t anywhere for this to go.
 
But I worry.
 
I worry he’ll break my heart, because I have totally given my heart to him right now.
 
That is SCARY shit, yo!
 
Why is it scary, you might ask?
 
Well… here I am, a 34 (almost 35) year old woman.
  • I have been engaged twice.
  • I have been married once.
  • I have given birth to 2 children.
  • I have been on the dating scene.
  • I have been rejected.
  • I have been stood up.
  •  I have been cheated on.
  • I have been accused of cheating.
  • I have been stalked
  • I have given my heart twice before.
  • I have had my heart broken twice before
 
 Now… I am in a dilemma here; I can run away from this before I get my heart broken or I can hold fast and face the fear of the unknown.
 
Both are good options.
 
On the one hand, I can play it safe and not risk my heart again. I can do what I have with theEx, and retreat from the hurt of a broken heart and find someone SAFE that can’t hurt me because, quite simply, I haven’t given my heart up to sacrifice.
 
On the other hand, I could allow myself to experience the roller coaster feelings of being in love, of being ALIVE and of risking it all. I can get out there on those skinny branches and risk my heart and my happiness, and take a gamble that this time I COULD come out ahead.
 
You see the dilemma, don’t you?
 
I can play it safe, and not have the hurt that will result in heartbreak. But that strategy hasn’t exactly worked out terrifically for me in the past. I ended up married to a man that I was playing it safe with, a man whom I didn’t truely and deeply love. I couldn’t live without that love in my life.
 
I can let myself experience the fullness of love. I can let go of the fear that I will get hurt again, and just open myself up to the real experience of being in love. I can let things develop, have hope for the future that I can feel is out there, and not really worry about getting “in trouble”. I can stop fearing that something will happen, and let things work themselves out organically and see where it gets me.
 
And if my heart gets broken?
 
I guess I can just experience heart break… fully and completely, knowing I will survive. I have survived before, I can survive again.
 
But… what if I DON’T get my heart broken? 

Can I take the risk of walking away and NOT allowing myself to see where this goes on its own? Can I run in fear and not always wonder “what if”…
 
I feel so much for this man. 
 
I really want to take a chance on him, on me, on an US.
 
Even knowing that I want to see what happens, even stating that I am deciding, right here and now, that I am going to let myself open up to the possibilities for a loving relationship and stop being afraid to be hurt.
 
If I get hurt I get hurt.
 
Pam’s Life Lessons:
  • Pam talks to herself through her blog. Yes, its weird. No, I/she is not likely to stop doing it.
  • Sometimes you have to “get out on the skinny branches” and reach for what you want, risk falling (failing) and reach for the things that you think are beyond your grasp. And you know what? I know full well that when I do that I will either fall(fail) or I will actually reach the goal… but I won’t know the outcome OR the consequences, until I try. So I have to try.
  • I can’t live fearing being hurt. Yes, having your heart broken HURTS a LOT. But so does living in a situation where you are settling for someone, where you are playing it safe but you have no deep loving connection with the other person.
  • Since I have stated to myself, to RGG, and to everyone in the universe that I want a true and loving PARTNERSHIP I need to start doing that. And I can’t have that if I walk away every time I start to feel too much for someone.
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This is the blog of a 30-something woman. I am a single mother of 2 children (9 year old son, 7 year old daughter). I am walking a Pagan Path. I am divorced. I am a geek girl. I am a nature’s child. I am a seeker. I am a talker. I am sometimes jubilant, sometimes creative, sometimes anxious, sometimes bitter… I run the gamut of emotions as I go through walking not only my Pagan Path but my everyday daily LIFE Path.

My interests include creativity, art, crafts, magick, nature, spirituality, writing, collecting blank books, pens and office supplies, technology, myths, kids, colours… hell… I might write on ANYTHING that strikes my fancy.


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The Freak Manifesto

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Things I am up to right now!

52 WEEKS TO AWESOME!!!

The Next Chapter: The HAPPY BOOK
THE GIGGLE Mail around Group

Goddess Leonie’s Wonderful Goddess School!!


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2010 Goddess Workbook!
Goddess Leonie's Guide to 2010 Goodness!!

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